094: Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefully

Today’s episode pulls together a lot of threads from previous shows, and will also give you some really concrete new tools using what’s called Nonviolent Communication to support you in your parenting.  It’s not like these are concepts that we’ve never discussed before, but sometimes hearing them in a different framework can be the key to making them ‘click’ for you. Our guest Christine King has been teaching these techniques to college students, teachers, and parents for over 17 years.   And I’m releasing this particular interview today because these tools are ones we’re learning how to use in the free online workshop.  In the workshop we’re going to spend a couple of weeks learning why our children trigger us so much and how to stop being triggered, and how we can move beyond the power struggles we get caught up in with our children so we can have the kind of relationship with them where their true needs as people are respected and met – and so are ours.   Parenting Membership  If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.   The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!       Things we discussed in the show: We now have feelings and needs lists available to support you in using the tools described in this episode! Click here to access the list of feelings Click here to access the list of needs Christine’s game for kids can be found here Videos of Christine’s giraffe and jackal puppet shows are here Inbal Kashtan’s book Parenting From Your Heart The No-Fault Zone game Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life   Jump to highlights 02:30 Introduction to the episode and guest Christine King 04:06 What nonviolent communication means 07:57 Sharing power between parent and child 10:57 How self-determination theory connects to NVC 13:05 Observations versus evaluations 16:11 True feelings versus false feelings 18:23 Protecting children from feelings versus building emotional literacy 22:52 Needs versus strategies 27:32 Demands versus requests 31:03 Jen's dishwasher story: a demand instead of a request 36:19 Four ways to respond when a child does something we don't like 57:03 Games and tools for building a feelings and needs vocabulary   References: Baesler, E.J., & Lauricella, S. (2014). Teach peace: Assessing instruction of the nonviolent communication and peace course. Journal of Peace Education 11(1), 46-63. Juncadella, C.M. (October 2013). What is the impact of the application of the Nonviolent Communication model on the development of empathy? Overview of research and outcomes. Unpublished Master’s Thesis. University of Sheffield. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/NVC_Research_Files/Carme_Mampel_Juncadella.pdf Kashtan, I. (2005). Parenting from your heart: Sharing the gifts of compassion, connection, and choice. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press. Marlow, E., Nyamathi, A., Grajeda, W.T., Bailey, N., Weber, A., & Younger, J. (2012). Nonviolent communication training and empathy in male parolees. Journal of Correctional health Care 18(1), 8-19. Rose, M.B. (2003). The heart of parenting: Nonviolent Communication in action. PuddleDancer Press. Retrieved from https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/pdf_files/parenting_communication_mrose.pdf Rosenberg, M.B. (2005). Raising children compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication way. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press. Rosenberg, M.B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication (3rd Ed). Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press. Suarez, A., Lee, D.Y., Rowe, C., Gomez, A.A., Murowchick, E., & Linn, P.L. (2014). Freedom project: Nonviolent communication and mindfulness training in prison. SAGE open January-March 2014, 1-10.