097: How to support gender-creative children

Recently a listener posted a question in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group asking about research related to children who are assigned to one gender at birth, but later realize that this assigned gender doesn’t match the gender they experience.   Another listener recommended Dr. Diane Ehrensaft’s book The Gender-Creative Child, and we are fortunate that Dr. Ehrensaft quickly agreed to speak. Listener Elizabeth co-interviews with me as we learn how to truly listen to our children when they tell us about their gender, and what we can do to help them navigate a world full of people who may know very little about – and even fear – children whose gender does not conform to expectations.   While we didn’t get a chance to discuss it (too many other topics to cover!), you might also be interested to learn about the “They-by” movement, which advocates for allowing children to choose their own gender when they feel the time is right, rather than the parents assigning a gender at birth based on the child’s genetalia.   Here are some especially recommended resources:   Human Rights Campaign’s Guide on supporting transgender children: https://assets2.hrc.org/files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf?_ga=2.156922811.1499059672.1559845994-1938179427.1559845994   Recommended books for children – for ALL children, not just those actively exploring their gender identity (note: these are affiliate links): 10,000 Dresses The Adventures of Tulip, Birthday Wish Fairy My Princess Boy The Paperbag Princess Mama, Mommy, and Me Daddy, Papa, and Me Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity I am Jazz Julian is a Mermaid Introducing Teddy   Jump to highlights 01:21 Introduction to Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, author of The Gender Creative Child 02:52 Introduction to listener Elizabeth and her four-year-old, John 04:00 Defining terms: sex assigned at birth, gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality 07:08 Cisgender, transgender, and gender-expansive, explained 09:26 The history of gender diagnoses in the DSM, and why Dr. Ehrensaft wants it removed 19:01 What the data shows about children who are supported versus those who aren't 22:12 The "gender galaxy," and why living with not-knowing is so hard for parents 29:43 Elizabeth shares how this began for her family, from the dress to the questions to pushback from other adults 33:13 The double standard: why cisgender kids are believed but gender-expansive kids get dismissed as "too young" 36:54 Practical day-to-day support: checking in without interrogating, following the child's lead 39:15 Building "gender literacy" at school and with extended family 44:17 What parents go through emotionally, including grief for the vision they had of their child 50:32 When and how to seek professional support, for the child and for the parents 53:51 The HAPPINESS framework begins: being heard and truly listened to 58:24 Access to age-appropriate information, including a note on avoiding too much too soon 01:06:07 Freedom of expression, safety, and support as the final pieces