10. forgiving myself, for praying my father away as a child.

Growing up, my father struggled with alcoholism, among other things, which turned our home into a volatile environment. As a child, I never knew what would set my father off; I had to develop hyper-alertness and problem-solving/ escape-planning behaviour. Being around him left me feeling uneasy which drove me to seek refuge in my bedroom away from him and his drama. I'd spent hours thinking back to when I saw all the good things in my father, better yet, when he saw them in himself. We used to have picnics in the golden African sun in Johannesburg. We would listen to music and eat all the treats we could manage that day. As I mourn for those days, I wonder how much my father mourns for the parts of himself he doesn't get to visit either. In my plea for escape, I turned to God with a request that used to make me sick to my stomach.