101. 700 Pounds in my Lifetime

I came to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) fifteen years ago weighing 211 pounds. Despite countless diets, fasts, and exercise routines, I couldn’t maintain weight loss until I found FA. Beneath my career ambitions, I was plagued by shame and self-loathing, constantly trying to project whatever image people wanted—determined, fun, or athletic.  For confidence, I relied on drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, and, most of all, food. In my twenties, I replaced meals with liquid protein supplements, which led to hospitalization, a two-week coma, and the loss of a kidney. Even after that ordeal, I continued fasting and restricting my food intake during the week, and bingeing and purging on weekends - all to suppress my anger and rage. I was an out-of-control food addict, destroying everything in my path—my relationships with colleagues, friends, family, my bank account, and certainly my own health. My therapist, after determining I had probably lost and gained 700 pounds in my lifetime, admitted she couldn’t help, but she suggested I try FA. I didn’t want to go to a meeting—my life was very busy, after all. But I was desperate and broken, so I went to a meeting, and I found hope. Today, I no longer obsess over food or body image, I’ve mended relationships, including with my husband, and let go of the shame that once consumed me. I no longer compare myself to others, and instead focus on what’s right in my world. FA and the 12 steps have given me the tools to live life on life’s terms, and for that I’m deeply grateful.