Real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good, real good. Ladies and gentlemen, hello and welcome to another edition of America's Best Worst Canadian Sports Podcast. That's right, real good show is back at it again for another week. It is episode number 104, an episode for which there is literally nothing I can say about this number.
We have entered the dead zone, the number bit is being retired. We'll see it again in a few weeks, maybe about half a year probably. But in the meantime, I'm Justin Marissette and with me once again, as always is... Stefan Hack, John Cohen.
And with us for this very special episode is... Gavin Matt. Gavin Welcome. Hi Gavin.
Hi guys. Thanks for coming to the show. Thanks for having me. Hi, Stefan.
Hi, Stefan. Can you hear me? Sort of. Cool.
All right. Now, this is not the first time that you and Stefan have been on a podcast together. I was a producer on his podcast rescue show. They never used the best producer, too.
He was a very good. I was Stefan's producer. So what did you produce? Like, what was your actual producing job?
Like, what did you do? I just kind of like turned the cameras on. Right. I made sure that it was working.
Cool. That sounds important. They never actually let you be on the show. No.
It wasn't allowed. You didn't let you? Did Stefan specifically say to you, hey, man, you're not allowed in the fucking show. Did he say fuck?
He never told me personally. He was looking over the chat. He was like, check out the chat press. But did you ever say that to him, though, Stefan?
Or were you ever like, hey, no, you're not on the fucking show. Like, shut the fuck up. Nice about it. Yeah.
I told Krista Santa. Okay. So what should we say to Gavin? Like, should we start swearing at him?
Yeah. Was he actually officially a producer, Stefan? Or did he give himself that title? Did you think of him as more of an intern?
Well, he didn't get like an IMDB credit because of the asking. Is that an IMDB credit intern? No, we didn't get them either. Right.
Right. Nobody got them. Okay. I got you.
So technically I'm a producer. Nobody can take that away from me. I mean, I think if anything, you would be the one to add them to IMDB, bro. Oh, so it's my fault.
We're not an IMDB. Yeah. That's the intern's job. Fuck.
Yeah, we didn't have interns. Just producers. So, Justin, what are you going to do to start the episodes now that you don't have the number? I don't know.
I'm not sure. How about, let's talk about squirting again. Yeah. Okay.
That's a good way to start every episode. Let's just start every episode with you talking about squirting, that would be ideal. Somebody wrote in that I could just start combining player numbers, but I don't think that sounds so stupid. You can do one plus four and that's five.
Yeah, exactly. And that's how you start it over again. Yeah. That's so stupid and dumb.
We're not doing that. I like the squirt thing. So do you think it was P? I would rather that we don't get into this again.
I didn't really want to get into it last week at all. I mean, that's not true. I'm going to be honest with you. We didn't even know that that had happened.
You brought that up yourself. Sorry, Justin. You want to get into that, like, when it was happening to you? Like, we're talking about last week, but like when the squirting, you want to be, like, did you want the squirting to be, you want to be in the squirt?
In the splash zone. Yeah, splash, splash. That's a real callback right there. Not necessarily.
I mean, it was not necessarily. It was a new experience. It was fun. I've squirted before.
Did you have to wear one of those poms? Like when you go on the log flume rides? I was just coincidentally wearing one of those already. It was just happened to be a happy accident.
Subconsciously, you were, like, prepared. I just knew it was going to be somehow. Yeah, you could just tell. Do you think, is that a thing?
Do you think you can tell if a girl is a squirter when you meet them? No. I don't think so. Well, but you were wearing a poncho.
So it riddled me this. Well, it was the chance of rain. I was just prepared, like, a voice note. You squirt on.
What was your strategy? Did you do anything different? Yeah, like, what, okay, yeah, how did you react when it first happened? Oh, I don't want to do this.
Okay, wait, actually, here's a good question. Did you think it was P, like, right away? Like, was that your first thought? Like, oh, this is P.
No. Okay. I mean, like, it crossed my mind that made me. Did she close her eyes like a sneeze?
I don't know. I can't answer that. His eyes were also close. He had goggles on, actually.
He brought goggles with his poncho. You have to close your eyes. That's how you move your tongue fast. Is that scientific?
That's how I go. Just lots of aerodynamic. Have you actually noticed that when you close your eyes it goes faster? Yeah, because I just, like, squeezed my eyes close to my neck.
It's tight. It's tight. Oh, God. I eat ass, so.
I mean, congratulations. That's why we have you on. You're like the youngest guest we've ever had. We need to know what the kids are up to.
Yeah, I mean. How often do you think girls pee on guys on purpose and are like, oh, I'm a squirter? Oh, it's definitely. There's definitely a lot of people.
Like, I feel like I kind of want to be like a Jackie Robinson of squirting for men. And just start like peeing and say, oh, no, I'm squirter. I mean, it's peeing. It's not pee, though.
Like, no, it definitely is. No, but mine. It's like a bit of both. I have two fluids down there.
I have three of you kind of blood, but like that's not there's no squirt. You squirt too. I squirt because I have a huge dick hole. So like your semen squirts, like the sperm, the sperm and the semen are so brittle.
There might be some like urea in there, but it's not pee. It's definitely pee. Okay, where is the squirt coming from? It's not just straight up.
Okay, but what do you think it is? I don't I have no idea. Do you think women just have some kind of like sack in their body? Oh, but you think we do?
No, they don't. No, that's what I'm saying. Justin got art attacked all over his face. Oh, to attack.
That's what she said. That's what she said for sure. But I did not want to talk about this again or even once. Again, once again, you brought it up.
Because you said that there was no way that you couldn't bring up my message given the crude nature of a message. Yeah, and I said, but the only reason that I sent the message with that wording was that I had like in pure proof that that happened. I mean, I mean, I was just establishing further context. I guess like if you're the type of guy that feels like you need to bring that up, like no, it actually happened.
It's just stacking the proof that it was a good date. But I still hear say. I don't know that the score happened. All right.
Do you comment? Justin? I'm not doing this. No, he did.
He was like, wow, that was a lot. I had a conversation with my mother earlier today. About square? No.
It was about career prospects. And she said that the reason why I'm not getting the jobs that I want is because there was a tweet that went out from the Real Games show account that included the word porn. When we talked about the sex thief on a downer episode. I included the words called classic soft core porno and she just focused on the word porn and was like, I wouldn't hire him.
That's the reason? I think that's true. I don't think she's actually listened to the actual content of the show. I mean, I hope not.
If that is the reason, then we can just go hog wild basically. Because obviously saying the word porn or tweeting it, if that's the line, then we can just go fast. We're a big trouble. So I wanted to challenge the listeners to help me disprove this theory by asking anyone out there to just please hire me to do it literally anything.
I'm not going to ask people to record videos themselves squirting. No, I need a job. So please, if you can help me get a better job, please do. Bonus points if you can also play on his wrestling career too.
And again, it was kind of like a joke, a little throwaway line there. But if you can, if you're a guy and you know how to score it, just take, go on, if you want to photo booth, if you have a Mac, you want to photo booth, you can take video. It's like a misleading name. Like you can take video.
Yeah, it's also a video booth basically. I'll start it to you. Yeah. Yeah.
So just like record yourself again, if you're a guy, I just wanted to see, if I'm I the only one who can do it. Gavin, you said you could. Of course. Well, look at the internet.
Dropbox. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of Dropbox, we got a donor to thank this week. Yeah, yeah.
That's my tight segue. The donor segment. That was a very impressive. Speaking of sperm, we got donors to thank this week.
Let's play the donor theme song. Speaking of sporting on camera, someone gave us a money. Thank you for donating to the show. To the show.
You work hard for your money that we know. That we know. The segments where we read out all your names. All your names.
Hey, that's good. That's good too. Thank you goes out to Rohit Bati who raised his pledge from $100 a month to $10168 so that he could be ahead of Paul Heck. Stefan's dad.
Oh, so he'll be the top donor. And I'll say because we, so he donated a hundred bucks to get us to watch Beba Boys. Yeah. And then we thought, okay, he made a mistake and accidentally let his $100 donation slide one month by accident.
And now he is doubling while not doubling down. He's dollar 68 down on his $100 donation. He is our primary. So my dad has to step up though.
Yeah. That's kind of what I'm saying. It seems like by making his number 68 it is a true challenge to Paul to see if he can make it 69. Give him the opportunity.
Yeah. Yeah. So we'll see. Speaking of listeners.
This week we also have a gift from our good friend, Yerki 21. Who was just angling so hard. He wants to be listed here. He listened to the year 2017.
And so he has sent us a gift to celebrate our 100th episode. And so Stefan, do I have your permission to open this? Yes. Just so you know he was already opening it.
Yeah, that seems fair after the last. Well, because there's a big fiasco I didn't want there to be like a Stefan world order or something like that. So I just figured I would ask you to see if it was okay for me to open it. I wasn't going to step world order.
All right. It was a lot of work for not really a lot of people. He says happy second anniversary slash 100 episodes. Yerki 21.
He says if you're opening this while recording there's no need to read this out. That's stupid. But there should be 35 in total. He says there are nine different outcomes in the part that you scan just so you know.
What? They are real good scratch lottery tickets. What? Yeah.
Apparently there's 35 of them. So on the front they've got a picture of us and it says real good scratch. And it says if you get three of the same RGS host without a dangle you win. Plus you can scan the code to see if you're also an instant winner.
Is this real? Yeah. Well, I don't think we actually win. So he says on the back it says cards have no cash value.
It must be over the age of majority in your state or province of residence to play. Avoid in a bunch of states that he lists. Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Hawaii, Iowa. Oh, I don't even know what MB is.
Oh, yeah, that's okay. He went into state. So I got very confused. New England.
No, you're safe. Yeah. New England. What is boy good or bad?
Yeah. NC is North Carolina. NB would be New Brunswick for sure. New Mexico, Ohio except Akron, Tom Hennep, Pennsylvania, Quebec, South Dakota, Saskatchewan, Tennessee, Utah, Wyoming.
Except Tom moved to North Carolina so you'd have to move back. That's true. He says winning consists of having a drink on your key 21 if you're ever in the same place. If it's John then maybe a Joan soda or like a salad or something.
Cannot be combined with other offers. Maximum one winning card per encounter. Okay. Two maybe if I'm in a good mood.
Instant winner is totally not a registered trademark even though the TM symbol appears beside it. As an aside it would actually be really tough to register that term as a trademark since it's descriptive. Terms and conditions subject to change without notice which kind of makes you wonder what's the purpose of printing any of this in the first place. Are you still reading at this point?
That's pretty impressive. You may be required to answer skill testing question I guess. Something I just make up on the spot. It will probably be about the 90-91 Vancouver Canucks.
I mean I'm just giving you a fair warning. Cards are not affiliated with the 90-91 Vancouver Canucks. All resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. May not be reproduced without the express written consent of Major League Soccer.
Can I feel the duct tape off one? Yeah, yeah. Scratch it up. Okay, it's duct tape.
Still well done. Yeah, it's still very cool. I don't know if he sent away for it or he did it himself. Did you win?
No, I got a dangle. Oh no, you got dangle bro. I'm not going to dangle. Oh shit, okay, I'll do one.
Sorry you're not here for this, Stefan, but this is pretty damn cool. Yes, it's honestly so cool. Yeah, can you scratch one for me? Yeah.
Oh, I got a dangle. I got two Justins and me and a dangle as well. I like the dangle's face. It kind of resembles like a zombie as well.
He looks bad. Yeah, he usually looks bad. Yeah, he does. He's a fucking asshole.
Okay, so now I'm scratching one for you, Stefan. So if you win, then you get it. I also lost. I got two Johns adjusted and a dangle.
Not a lot of Stefan's on the ones we pulled off. Actually zero Stefan's so far. I got two Stefan's and two Justins. Oh, it's not even a John winner.
No dangle. No, he needed a John to win that one. No, it's three of the same host. Three of the same.
He does say though that I guess it says that there are nine different outcomes in the part that you scan. So I guess you can actually scan it. I don't know. I've never scanned the QR code entirely.
No, I'm tired of life. That's pretty impressive. Okay, so I've only scratched two. I've only scratched one for me and one for Stefan.
I'll save the rest. I'll mail them out to some people. Row hit is do some t-shirts. Don't worry about you.
Maybe Craig Tamble will get one. I won. I got three Stefan's and a Justin. No dangles.
You win a drink on your key. I don't know why Justin opened two. I only opened one and Gavin only opened one. I have a big stack in front of me and I wanted to play.
I'm not going to let him set him without winning. I guess that's true. We do have to win one, but it's very selfish. I did.
I did. I did. Sorry. What did you say?
I've heard that he's got a big stack in front of him. Oh, yeah. You know who told me now? He was the girl who beat on him.
That was square. Not the same. I was definitely squirreled about. I'm so glad that I just made a mockery of myself forever.
It's a complete stranger who loves to embarrass me online. Do you want me to talk about my squirting ex? No, it's fine. I won't.
Stefan, you went to Dr. Sadie today? There's no squirting there. No, no, no.
We're moving on. It's not relevant to our podcast. You bought your tickets off at Seakeake, which we don't have to do an ad for this week. There's $4.
The tickets were definitely $4. They were shitty is what you're saying. I was basically the furthest away you could be from everything. It really felt even further away because Rob and I ate a bunch of edibles before we went.
It's like baseball. You would baseball fan. Maybe this will make the game better. It's all about the atmosphere of the live crowd.
That's why you go to the end. Yeah. Also, the attention is in Dodger Stadium in a real sketchy area. No, I think it's getting pretty gentrified now.
It was more of the fact that it was really steep. We were super up. That was terrifying. It's kind of an old school stadium where they would build them with the big angles.
There's 50,000 seats and one usher for the entire stadium. That was fun. We went to the wrong level first and sat down next to this guy. He was like, those are my friends' seats.
Please leave. We were so high. I'm like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I think that was kind of our big problem is we took the edibles thinking, oh, it's just going to be me and Rob to watch the game.
We forgot they're going to be like 49,998 other people there. They would all be really loud and angry. It's a common mistake though. I think I've made that before.
Yeah. I know. Right. Gavin, you made that mistake?
I made that mistake. Cool. It's not like my favorite mistake that I've ever made. It's my favorite mistake.
What's your favorite mistake? It's so tropical. It's terrible. We got to the stadium in the third inning and after lining up for food and trying to find our seats, we ended up sitting down in the fifth inning.
We missed two innings just waiting for food and stumbling around in the stadium. Once we were up there, it was like, I couldn't focus on the thing that was furthest away from me. It was focusing on everything else going on around me. I don't even think the game just ended.
We left early because we were just like, what was the podcast? Right. That's not because you weren't having a good time. No, we were really enjoying ourselves.
We were having the time of your life. Who were they playing and who was pitching? They were playing the Giants. Their pitcher was Korean and Bungarner was pitching Florida Giants.
He's back from his dirt bike accident. Sick. He's my... Oh, he was a dirt bike accident?
Yeah, he missed a couple months at the start of the season. Was he doing a sick trick or something? Oh, yeah, for sure. He's probably ripping a snake out of his oil tank or even a Superman pose.
Yeah, Superman that hole. It's like Soldier Boy. Yeah, I would recommend Naught. I would just drink at the game if you were going to go to the game.
The beer is like $15. They're very expensive. Did you ask how much it costs? No, the beer there is so expensive.
He's saying it. He's been a Dodger Stadium as well, Gavin. It was like $18 a beer or some shit. Yeah, yeah.
There's no parking. There's no parking. It's just desert and you have to walk up the longest hill. And then there's just a bunch of parking services people that just yell at you for no reason.
I didn't have a good time. It's not fun. It's not fun. You just had a regular bad confusing time.
Imagine if I had edibles. You probably had an awful time step in. Yeah, no, it was bad. It was just not.
Also, I realized now I don't really like that. I realized now I don't really like baseball that much. Which maybe I should have listened to myself about that. But everybody always says, oh, live, it's so much better.
You can't say that. It's a different experience, I think. When you go to baseball live, you can't expect it's going to be more exciting or more impressive. It's not.
You're just going to have a fun time. It's just a nice day out. Hockey and basketball and stuff. There's an amazement.
Hockey, it's crazy how fast they are and how big they are. It's crazy how big they are. And fast, but not the same. Baseball, you're kind of just having a manic episode because of all the edibles you ate.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. We're not going to say that a lot of pretzels. Oh, you had too many pretzels?
Had a bad time? One time, yeah. Oh, man. Mistakes, John makes.
It's my favorite mistake. Too many pretzels. One too many pretzels. I have a question about the edibles themselves.
Yes, it's relevant. Have you registered to a local dispensary in your area in Los Angeles? Rob has. I am waiting for my Social Security number, which should be here this week hopefully and then I can go do that.
But you are planning to do that eventually. Oh, absolutely. You don't feel like that's a very bold move as someone who's temporarily in the country? I mean, it's legal.
I guess, yeah. It's different times. I guess I was there like five years ago. He's just trying to blend in.
Yeah, he's legal there, man. I really wanted to do it, but I was like, I don't want to give them any excuse to be able to kick me out of the country at the same time. Well, it's not like a drag car. I've got that.
It's not a government thing at all right now. I mean, I think there's a car you can get that is, but you just go to like a doctor and they ask like, oh, you're sad? Sometimes you're hungry? Like a night?
You get nervous. And then, yeah. Would you like to have a manic episode at a baseball game? Do you ever get nervous?
You should have had a survey for sure. I heard you said like the girl. Is it true? Rob and I have two.
We saw Dunkirk and IMAX as well. Oh, shit. Audibles? Yeah.
Oh my God. I mean, I was like two of the chocolates. And I had just for context today, I had like a third of one of the chocolates and it destroyed me. And Rob is a bit bigger.
So you're a plus. I'm a higher tolerance. But yes. Well, we know that.
I mean, after Dunkirk, he was in like a fugue state. And this was like just as bad. So going well. It went really well.
I'm really enjoying this. Did you hear that story out of Alberta about the like actual veteran of Dunkirk who went and saw Dunkirk? Yeah. And so it was very accurate.
I thought I was fake. I thought I was fake at first and then it was like global. Yeah, it's like the real thing. It's like a video of him walking like in a shitty synaplex.
Yeah. A little known fact he was also an editable. He couldn't even afford D-Box because our veteran affairs is awful. I wanted to see it in IMAX, but.
He was sitting in the far left. Yeah. Far left front row. So I did actually feel like Dunkirk.
Yeah. It did feel like Dunk. I liked Dunkirk. My neck hurt the whole time.
I was uncomfortable. Yeah. I was wet. I was crowded.
I was like, I'm a Dunkirk or Justin's eight nights. Hey. This is never going away. Nope.
It is not. Great. No. Absolutely.
Justin's squirt segment. I'm sure in like 50 episodes. JSS and my life will have come along with it. It's possible.
I mean you've had a tough go on the show. I'll say like you're recurring for segments of Alden back. For someone who does all the work to make this happen. I certainly take a lot of punishment from making it happen.
I mean self-inflicted. You brought up the squirting. You brought up wanting that sex with a mascot. That's a baby.
Okay. We're not in control of these things. It's comedy show. Trying to help the people have a good time and they are trying to help me regret every decision I've ever made.
Hey, when you take your beard hairs out of your beard, do you think you could pick them up this time? I do. I do try to. And then I have to clean them up off my table.
What's going on here? It's like really tense. Like in the middle of that. What Justin's doing is he's picking the hairs out of his beard.
I'm not picking them out. And then it just happens to fall out. Okay. But he's like trying to get them out and then he's leaving them out.
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing here. Justin just slammed his fist on the table. Yeah. So he's like, Justin, you're going to get a big aggressively?
No, this is my casual clothes. Oh, that's aggressive. We're being casual. I'm wearing teal shorts.
I feel like it's automatically not aggressive. Just based on my shorts. It's an aggressive seal, but yeah, I'm sorry that you have to be in between us. It's not okay.
I'm sorry. They have to be here at all. All right. This has been episode one.
Oh, you, you have a reason that you wanted to come on though, right? You wanted to well, I heard that you made a girls' court. And I was like, I need to find out if that is key. I'm coming on the show.
I want to learn this shit. People that are listening now, they are either half of them left because they don't want to hear about Squared and Pete. And then the other half of the state are just people that really want to hear about it. They're like, talk about it more.
We're just refining our audience. I'm just trying to stay on-brand with this episode. No, I appreciate it for sure. Also, yeah, no, it's good.
Should we talk about sports? Yeah, we could do that. Ostensibly, that is what we are here to do. Why me ostensibly, that is true.
Yeah. See, you all watched the fights last night. Should we also talk about the fact that this is episode 103 and not 104? Is it not?
104? No, it's 103. I was just about at the beginning and then I just- It seemed to me that there was 103 Dalmatians also. No, we talked about that.
I thought there was, but there wasn't. And then there isn't. There's not a trilogy? No.
I got to bring it back. All the dogs are dead by now. Okay, so 101 puppy graves. Everybody just be really quiet right now.
I need an edit point. I'm going to say the words 103 and I'm going to take this and put it back. No, don't do that. No, no, no, no.
Leave it. Go ahead, Doctor. 103. Squared.
The chemistry is still there. The magic is still there even though you're in LA. Episode 103. But was it Pete?
103. In the place to be. Is it Pete? That's my schoolhouse rock.
Art attack. Art attack. Oh, it's unbelievable. The canvas she creates with her vagina is incredible.
Oh, that would be sick if she put some color dye. Yeah, like tie dye. That's good stuff. Yeah, I'm going to decide if I'm so defeated.
No, no, you're good. Okay, so speaking of defeat it, UFC was a nice. I'm not going to put that. I'm going to come out and pull up her like frozen, like Mr.
Freeze. I bet it would steam. It'd be like dry ice and have a dry ice effect. It'd be like, ooh, it's a spooky one you squirt.
If she was an American gladiator and it would be liquid. Nitro. Okay, sports. UFC.
UFC was last night. That was cool. It was a good one. Did you watch a two step?
I did watch it. Nice, man. Yeah, it was good of your own volitioner because Rob's just getting you into combat sports in general. No, Rob actually hates UFC.
I like UFC. Oh, really? I love the first fight on the main card. The previous one were so good.
The British guy. Oh, yeah. Jimmy Nana. Yeah, he's like, I have a 94% knockout right.
And after I knock him out, I'm going to get a short at the title. And then he's just done in seven seconds. Yeah, he got destroyed like 30 seconds in my full can. Best name I've heard in my life.
He's got a Swiss because that's what you think when you hear the name full can. Ooh, Demir. Oh, that guy's probably. And he touched his watch like 100,000 times.
Very over-excessive. His nickname is No Time. And the Swiss. Then why was he like a watch?
I think because he was saying it's time for my title shot now. But he has that's what Swiss people are famous for. Yeah, he actually has a side business. Ooh, Demir watches.
And he was hoping that he would get some ad revenue off of that. Are those two things? Swatch? Yeah.
Those are swatch. The poor man's toe. Right. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Case Swiss. Yeah. It's it's Swiss for sure.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, started by this guy named Keith Swiss. Case Swiss.
What was the slogan for case Swiss shoes? Be creative. Was it? Where?
Almost Adidas. We're so close. It seems like it's been a really down year for the UFC, though, in general. Like none of their big show.
Well, they've had a lot of injury problems. And there's this like, I feel like people are really reaching over saturation. Like there's so many events. It's almost impossible to keep up with.
It seems like it really slows down though until the McGregor fight. It's like if McGregor's not fighting the UFC, it doesn't matter. Now the Jones is back. They have like a main guy.
Yeah, they have two main guys. So that'll pull buys to something. I can't believe he's doing made official by tomorrow or so. Like very soon.
I like a cyborg. Chris Cyborg. Yeah, she's crazy. She doesn't look like a person.
That was really great when she fought a lady that looked like a PTA president. That was my hand. Did you follow my hand? Did my hand get good?
I should have said three. If they rebooted, here comes the boom with Amy Schumer. You're kind of the shoot. What's like?