103: How to raise a child who uses their uniqueness to create happiness

Dr. Rose defines a Dark Horse as someone who uses a variety of unusual strategies like understanding their 'micromotives' and not worrying about their overall destination and to focus instead on more immediate goals to create a fulfilled life.   In his book he focuses on the paths adults have followed to become Dark Horses, which is almost invariably one of either: Child is successful in school, attends an elite university, achieves financial stability, realizes they feel unfilled, and switches direction mid-lifeChild flounders in school and barely graduates or doesn't graduate; gets married and has children or works a series of low-level jobs before discovering their path   But I wondered: rather than following either of these (highly frustrating!) paths, could we instead support our children much earlier in life to discover how their passions can lead them toward a fulfilling life, rather than forcing them through a standardized system and then making them figure it out on their own later?   Dr. Rose agreed that this would indeed be the preferable path, and we also talked about how to do this.   Dark Horse: Achieving Success Through the Pursuit of Fulfillment can be purchased in your local bookstore or on Amazon. (Affiliate link)   Learning Membership Want to know what skills YOU need to raise a dark horse? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.   Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.   When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it.   Click the banner to learn more!   Here is Dr. Rose's interview on The Art of Manliness, where you can learn more about how his approach could help you as an adult to become more of a Dark Horse   Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Todd Rose 07:45 What is a "dark horse"? 08:43 Pursuing personal fulfillment over standardized success 09:48 What actually makes for good learning: engagement, relevance, autonomy 11:53 Who should decide curriculum: bureaucrats or communities 15:18 Pervasive individuality: why the "average" learner doesn't exist 16:17 A personalized nutrition example that reveals the flaw in group averages 19:34 Three different pathways children take to learn to read 26:02 Todd's story: how his dad's advice got him through the GRE 32:13 What standardization means for children of non-dominant cultures 34:09 The hidden trade-off schools make: sameness over self-knowledge 40:48 Micro motives: the small, specific things that truly drive us 49:56 Two common dark horse paths, and a third one we could choose instead 57:40 Why children need real agency, not just small choices 01:03:39 Rethinking meritocracy: equal chance versus equal fit 01:07:18 Why change should start with the most marginalized communities   References Cantor, P., Osher, D., Berg, J., Steyer, L., & Rose, T. (2019). Malleability, plasticity, and individuality: How children learn and develop in context. Applied Developmental Science 23(4), 307-337. Mischel, W. (2004). Toward an integrative science of the person. Annual Review of Psychology 55, 1-22. Osher, D., Cantor, P., Berg, J., Steyer, L., & Rose, T. (2018). Drivers of human development: How relationships and context shape learning and development. Applied Developmental Science, 1-31. Osher, D., Cantor, P., Berg, J., Steyer, L., & Rose, T. (January 2017). Science of learning and development: A synthesis. American Institutes for Research. Downloaded from: https://www.air.org/sites/default/files/downloads/report/Science-of-Learning-and-Development-Synthesis-Osher-January-2017.pdf Rose, T., & Ogas, O. (2018). Dark Horse: Achieving success through the pursuit of fulfillment. New York, NY: HarperCollins. Rose, T., McMahon, G.T., Saxberg, B., & Christensen, U.J. (2018). Learning in the 21st Century: Concepts and tools. Clinical Chemistry 64(10), 1423-1429. Rose, T. (2015). The end of average: How we succeed in a world that values sameness. New York, NY: HarperCollins. Rose, L.T., Rouhani, P., & Fischer, K.W. (2013). The science of the individual. Mind, Brain, and Education 7(3), 152-158.