104 - Why Is Dating So Hard?

If you have been listening to me, even for just a tiny bit, you know I often say dating is very hard and then I quickly follow that up with but totally possible. However, I may not have added that latter part when I was in the throes of dating. Whether I was or wasn’t doing online dating, I actually did not know if I would be able to experience dating success. For me, success in dating meant finding someone to share life with and possibly raise a family with. For you, that might me having a series of monogamous love affairs or just having a good time dating a few people at once. I trust that you have a good idea on what your definition of dating success looks like. But let’s face it, dating is damn hard. I must also confess that one of the many joys of having a life partner is knowing you don’t have to be in that vulnerability again of putting yourself out there and date new people. If you have listened to me for a bit, you also know I have created the Dating Made Easier monthly membership to offer all people wanting to be successful at dating skills, resources, and support to make that happen. Having been born with CP and life with adversity being all I have known, I grew up - much to the credit of my amazing parents - to believe that you don’t back away from something simply because it’s hard. As I always say, if there’s a dream in your heart, it’s worth pursuing because it will help you feel like you’re living your life to the fullest. Today I want to look at exactly why dating is perceived as being so hard and offer my own take on how it can be easier. For the reasons why dating is hard, I’m referring to an online article called of course, Why Is Dating So Hard? So Many Choices You can easily get overwhelmed by all the choices for online dating platforms and apps. It seems like there’s specialty dating spaces for all kinds of people. Did you know there’s one for farmers, for example? So of course diversity is great, but it can actually pause progress if you get caught in trying to decide the best one. My advice is pick 1-3 dating platforms to try. No more than three. You’ll overwhelm yourself. Then commit to at least three months on a platform to allow yourself to gain traction. Personal Expectations Many people go into a date thinking or hoping that this may be their last date—or this is the person they’re going to marry. That’s a lot of pressure, not just on them, but on you! Ease off on yourself. The article I’m referencing gives a good analogy of thinking about dating in terms of friendship—you wouldn’t go into a party thinking you’re going to meet your best friend that night, right? Why is dating different? Societal Expectations Things are rapidly changing in our society and heteronormative rules of the traditional family unit of finding a partner, getting married and having kids is no longer the standard. I believe that’s a good thing for people with disabilities as we frequently don’t fit into norms. But for many, the expectation that we should is still there. This is where I believe personal empowerment comes into dating. I encourage people to spend some time getting clear on what they want for themselves in dating and relationships. What’s your long term vision? What kind of relationship will really meet your needs? I have a great exercise to help you get clear about this. You get out a note app or pen and paper and write this sentence repeatedly, “I attract into my life _________.” Then you fill in the blank with qualities of a partner and relationship that would truly fulfill what your heart desires the most. Download a copy of this exercise at the link in the show notes. Dating Apps The article cites that nearly 40% of people report meeting their significant other online. “Apps, on one level, make it harder to sort through,” says Carmichael. “However, it makes it easier to locate a broader swath of people you might not ordinarily be exposed to—and establish right off the bat that you’re single and ready to date.” I encounter many people who don’t want to do online dating or the platforms are not disability friendly, either in terms of accommodations or attitudes. We definitely have work to do in the dating app world. With that said, I do recommend that if you haven’t tried online dating or a dating app, to give it a try because hey, you never know, right? And…I do have to say something here that will be controversial and I may do a separate episode on this because it’s such a complicated issue, but here goes. I understand many, many people with disabilities are living on limited incomes, which naturally is a broad and systemic problem. That being said, I think if you want to increase your chances for dating success, you need to consider budgeting a small amount of money for a dating app, coaching, counseling or a membership like Dating Made Easier because it gives you what they call “skin in the game.” For better or worse, when we invest some money, we tend to be more invested in the outcome and put more effort into something versus when we get some for free, we often don’t have that same level of commitment. Safety People, particularly women, are perhaps more worried about their safety than they’ve ever been before. The rise of online dating and technology in general add new concerns, such as being catfished, receiving unwanted explicit photos, or someone sharing your explicit photos without your consent. My advice is set up some rules for yourself like always having a video chat before you meet someone in person, always meet in a public location, tell others where you’ll be, develop good boundaries, etc Social Media Remember that despite the illusion of social media, people are imperfect,say the wrong things, and make tons of mistakes. Your potential partner is no different. Remember not everything is a happy IG post and that’s part of what makes love and intimate relationships so great - committing to the whole person and guess what, if it really works right, they commit to all of you as well. Yes, dating can be hard—but don't despair. It's very possible! Resources  Why Is Dating So Hard? (article) Relationship Vision Guide (download) Check out our Dating Memberships: Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation Artwork photo by Elevate