11. Soft On People, Hard On Problems

Musing Interruptus is a podcast meant for sharing thoughts and stories and enjoying idiomatic phrases and words in general. You can read along; the transcription is in the description of this episode. The idiomatic expressions are in italics. Try to get the meaning from the context and then look them up to see if you were right. If you like it, share it, but more importantly, continue the conversation.  Today, I’ve got my mind set on negotiation, problem-solving, and the perils of jumping the gun instead of negotiating a solution. More specifically, the trials and errors of learning how to resist the urge to impose a way forward or give up when the going gets tough. For some, giving up is as impossible a task as giving in. Never give up is a great motto. However, we need to ensure we are holding on to the right objective. Learning to separate ego and expectations not grounded in reality is a feat in itself. It takes some running into walls and conking our heads a few times to learn. I’m sure some people are naturally talented in this sense. This, of course, is not a lesson for you. For the rest of us, this is a struggle. A lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again in the classroom and relationships. Learning how to get out of your head and let curiosity guide the process of understanding the issues standing between everyone and reaching shared goals. Again, that is one of the starting points, identifying the right goal. That takes time, patience, conversations, and listening hard. Everybody needs something and not necessarily the same thing. This year I started wondering about the questions we ask to get to know people. The treasures we each hold in the most mundane corners. The keys to our humanity, as it turns out,  are also the keys to collaborating. Being patient from a loving place makes a big difference. I wish I were more patient. I wish I had learned these lessons before and better. Investing in having conversations, asking the right questions, and listening with your whole self, can change your life. The next step is figuring out what to do with that information. Jumping the gun and jumping to conclusions are typical mistakes. We can avoid these with time, space, and curiosity. It is so easy to listen to our inner voice or voices saying what you think is right, specifically when it comes to other people. Mix that with insecurities and you have a recipe for disaster.  You might be right. The question that begs to be asked is; isn’t it better to be sure? I’d rather have certainty before I make a decision. I like when I’m wrong about people. Specifically, about their motivations. Although it is true, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, many a time, it is the intention that counts. It is so important to see past what we believe to be evident and our own biases. It was true when we were children, it is true now. Not when breaking the law, but other things. Creative things, things that have to do with our love languages, building a community, healing a community. Being soft on people is part of that. Recognizing their humanity and our own. Coming to terms with our fallibility.  Once we have established the problem and objective (or objectives), progress can be made. This is easier said than done, especially when different cosmovisions and interests are at play. Let’s remember to celebrate the small victories. Meeting at the metaphorical or physical table is a great sign. This seems like a small feat, but it needs to be appreciated. That is a building block.  A note about the title… excuse the double entendre. That was not my conscious intention. I’m sorry if you were expecting something else. If you are having issues, I recommend you see a urologist, and remember, patience is required as we age. So says Dr. Ruth. A