113. Sane and Happy

For as long as I can remember, I was either too much or not enough – too thin or too heavy. At 5’7”, I’ve been as low as 105 pounds and as high as 220. I ran, played tennis, and tried to disappear into thinness, but no matter how much weight I lost, I still saw flaws. I obsessed over food, swinging between control and chaos. My addiction manifested in bizarre ways: while studying at college, I’d reward myself with a treat after each page I’d read, and at work, I’d bring sweets to the office only to consume them all myself. Business trips became opportunities for planned binges, where I’d spread out multiple snack foods on the hotel bed and then eat everything, drowning in shame. When I walked into my first Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) meeting at 197 pounds, I was desperate. I didn’t think FA could help me. Then, a woman stood up and told her story. I couldn’t believe it. She looked nothing like me, but she had lived my life. After the meeting, I got a sponsor. That night, I binged one last time, but the next morning, I called her and began. I didn’t think I’d last a day, but I have been here 22 years now, living in a body that feels like home. I weigh a steady, healthy 141 pounds, and more importantly, I’m no longer tormented by food or shame. At my first meeting, I heard that working the FA program offers “a life of sane and happy usefulness.” That combination – sane and happy – sounded pretty good to me. And that’s exactly what I got.   #overeater #undereater