12 Steps Series: Step Nine

Step Nine of the Twelve Steps Codependents’ Guide To The Twelve Steps, Melody Beattie (CODA) STEP 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Quote #1 - “…allowing other people to have their paths and issues and learning to have our own.”(p134) Quote #2 - “...We must work through, and experience fully, our feelings. We must clearly identify and accept the abuse. We need to figure out what our new behaviors and responses to others need to be, so the abuse or mistreatment doesn't continue. And then we will be led into forgiveness.” (p135) Quote #3 - “Sometimes the lesson is establishing boundaries...learning to say no...learning to own our power and respect and trust our feelings, wants, and needs. Sometimes the lesson isn't clear, and all we can do is accept that the incident happened.” (p135) Quote #4 - “Often, the shorter the amend, the better. The cleaner and clearer, the better. The more direct, the better. The more it comes from the heart, the better. The more it is led by Divine Guidance, the better.” (p143) Quote #5 - “Sometimes I’ve said, “I’m sorry if what I need to do to take care of myself hurt you. It was not intended or designed to do that.””(p144) Quote #6 - “ All of recovery— all of what we are going through — has to do with making an amend to ourselves. Giving ourselves permission to have our feelings is an amend. Giving ourselves permission to be alive are happy is an amend. Taking gentle, compassionate, loving care of ourselves is an amend. Learning to set boundaries, be direct, and stop defeating and victimizing ourselves is an amend. Learning to stop allowing others to mistreat and control us is an amend. Learning to stop expecting perfection of ourselves, own our power, and be who we are is an amend to ourselves. Learning to listen to and trust ourselves is an important amend. Learning to trust our instincts and value our feelings and needs is an amend. We may have many amends to make to that frightened, abused, or neglected child within us —amends for being so critical, negligent, and shameful. We owe ourselves an apology and changed behavior for not allowing ourselves to receive the love and nurturing we need, especially from ourselves. We owe ourselves an apology and changed behavior for the sometimes terrible ideas we have maintained, dwelled on, and believed about ourselves. That we aren't lovable, aren't good enough, can't think, don't deserve success, don't deserve to have fun, or don't deserve to recover are untrue beliefs we have assumed, beliefs that need correcting as part of this program of making amends to ourselves.”(p145) Quote #7 - “I spent years looking to other people, looking to relationships, to take care of the child within me. I looked to relationships to comfort my fear and to nurture, support, and protect that child within. I looked for relationships to be there for me because I wasn't willing to be there for myself. I didn't know how. Now, slowly, I'm learning a better way. I'm learning how to listen to that child I abandoned most of my life. I'm learning ways to get in touch with her, hear her, and give her the comfort, nurturing, protection, guidance, and discipline she needs.” (p146) Quote #8 - “This behavior of nurturing the child within is not foolish, as I once believed. It is healing. A few moments a day of caring for that child frees my adult to be rejuvenated and responsible, and lets my child feel warm, safe, and cared for. It also enables me to be a nurturing effective parent to my children. They have taught me much about my inner child and what she needs; my inner child helps teach me about what my children need.” (p146) Quote #9 - “I needed to forgive myself and develop a better relationship with myself. I needed to talk better to and about myself; I needed to forgive and forget; I needed to stop punishing myself for the wrongs I had done and for what others had done to me.” (p147)