134: Beyond Sex Education with Dr. Nadine Thornhill

"Do you know what happens to your body when you get older?"   "Um...you get hairy in some places?"   "Yeah...other things happen too.  We'll get you some books."   That was what I learned about sex education when I was seven - I was always grateful that I learned it from my parents (who were pretty terrified to talk about it,  I think) rather than from the other kids at school.  But then the topic wasn't mentioned again until I was about 18, with a vague reference to "being careful" with my first boyfriend, whom I wasn't even sleeping with yet.   Friends: we have to do more than this if we want our children to be able to show up in relationships as fulfilled human beings who understand what pleasure is, how to ask for it, and how to give it.   We need our children to know that sex does not have to equal intercourse, and that there are a whole host of ways to enjoy our (and each other's) bodies without doing this if we don't want to do it (when they're ready for it!).   And we need to help our children understand boundaries so they can protect themselves when they need to - without getting so caught up in the shame that pervades our thinking about sex.  (Since the sex = shame narrative is deeply pervasive in our culture I don't think we can overcome it completely, but we can make a start...).   In this episode we build on our conversation with Charlotte Rose about sex for us parents to go (far) Beyond Sex Ed with sex educator Dr. Nadine Thornhill, whose direct, fun, engaging style will help you to see that you, too, can have conversations about sex and pleasure with your own children.  You can find more information on Dr. Thornhill's work on her YouTube channel where she addresses topics from what happens if the kid walk in on parents having sex to whether first time sex always hurts, as well as on Instagram.   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits  If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to highlights: 00:01 Setting Loving and Effective Limits Workshop 02:18 Where we’re at with our mini-series on issues related to sex 03:34 Introducing our guest, Dr. Nadine Thornhill 04:54 The importance of continuing the conversation about sex beyond the basic topics 09:17 Figuring out what kinds of things I need to teach my children and how 12:22 The value of showing our vulnerability to our children 14:45 Talking about the traditional ways we talk about sex and how can we change that narrative 19:03 Having conversations around pleasure of the non-sexual kind 23:27 Modelling intimacy to our children without overdoing it 25:41 Helping our children set boundaries even when we’re having trouble setting boundaries ourselves 31:53 Dr. Thornhill’s son’s case of the “hangry” and how he came to develop recognizing physical signs before he gets hangry 33:41 Talking about shame associated with the White, Christian view of sex 40:34 Talking about bodies and nudity that doesn’t rely on shame 43:07 Going a little deeper into consent and the Authentic Consent Framework 50:48 The House and the Superintendent Metaphor 53:23 How parents can leave more space and be supportive of the potential suite of options about a child’s sexuality 57:46 Should we wait to teach our children about aspects of sex and sexuality until they ask? 01:02:11 Wrapping up   Guest links: Nadine’s websiteNadine’s e-booksNadine’s InstagramNadine’s YouTube Channel   Episodes mentioned: 021: Talk Sex Today!096: How to prevent sexual abuse097: How to support gender-creative children   Resource links: FREE Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits Workshop Sex Is A Funny Word, by Cory SilverbergThe Nap MinistryOutspoken Sex Ed