This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 1394, dealing with conflict. Time is on your side by Allain Masikat of freetopursu.com and I'm just a molecular very own personal narrator today. Every day actually, it's not a typical podcast, there are no interviews and it's short, almost always fewer than 10 minutes. Simply subscribe for free to get new episodes.
I really appreciate my subscribers and those who listen daily or even binge listen, that's fun too. Anyway, let's get right to the post and start optimizing your life. Dealing with conflict. Time is on your side by Allain Masikat of freetopursu.com You know that feeling of an interaction gone wrong?
It could be face to face, over the phone, via email, or text. The blood starts boiling, emotions take over and you just want to scream. Yeah, that one. My thoughts go right to defending myself.
I need to make myself whole again. What can I reply that will reestablish the power balance? How can I defend myself? With a personal insult?
By denying someone something? By hurting the other party somehow? None of the above is the right answer, but at the time, boy, do they all feel like the right thing to do. We want to take action, do something.
I've been experiencing a challenging situation recently that dispute has been petty, even unnecessary, and some of the behavior towards me has been nothing other than mean. Written messages are curt, actions are offensive, and I'm not responding at all. Stepping back and looking at the situation, I'm seeing the other person is in a lot of pain, and is lashing out in a way that I guess must feel good in the short term at least. It was hard at first.
I just want to say something back or take some sort of action, but there is no response to that really makes sense in the heat of the moment. I'm waiting for the opportunity to have a conversation when both parties are calm and can have a meaningful discussion. That is the only way we will get past this and find some way to get along again, like rational and civilized individuals. I'm doing my best to continue along the chosen path.
I hope I continue to do the right thing. We all get upset. It happens. Sometimes often, sometimes seldom, but it happens.
So what we do next that matters most. Do we lash out? Do we have a sharp tongue or a pen? Do we raise our voice or become mean?
Do we stomp around, throw things, punch things or worse people? Whatever it is, it's out of character unless we stop and leave the situation and it's associated emotional buildup of it all. How can we possibly leave it be? It's a choice to stop ourselves and our tracks and realize that our behavior at that point in time is not rational.
To realize that our response will be out of character and not in line with what our rational self would do. And more importantly, it will not make things better long term. It never has for me anyway. Quote, you cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.
Burnay Brown. So what is the antidote to bad behavior? Two bad reactions, two given situations and outcomes? Time.
It allows emotions to dissipate and helps us regain perspective. Quote, they say revenge is the dish best eaten cold, but for most people, by the time it's ready to eat, they just don't fancy it anymore. Joe Bran, being in the moment is great when times are good. Pay attention to it all is wonderful during times of bliss when all senses are merrily engaged.
That is the time to create memories that encompass all the senses, sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. Ained awareness helps seal in memories, making them available to be cherished for years to come. Being in the moment and being hyper focused on it when times are bad has, well, the opposite effect. The moment festers, we hone in on how we are being slighted, wronged or injured.
We want to react because we'll make us feel better, even if only in the now. The reaction is visceral as opposed to thoughtful. Our lizard brain takes over and our reaction is out of character. We almost always regret our short-sighted reaction and immediate actions.
And as is the case with the great moments, our heightened senses ensure we always remember those unfortunate moments as well. These memories are not only vivid, but they are often accompanied by feelings of regret and shame. Being aware of our thoughts and actions enables us to realize when our lizard brain wants to take over and that flight versus fight is the better option, at least in the immediate. Negative feelings can help us identify when it's best not to act and take a step back.
Separating ourselves from a situation that becomes emotionally charged helps our real selves resurface. We are all familiar with this. It's at the root of books such as The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll, Mr.
Hyde, or comics such as The Hulk. It's a constant internal struggle between the good and evil within each of us. Our logical selves often have different preferred reactions to being wronged, slighted, or injured. These different reactions are more likely to be on-side with our preferences in the long run and are therefore reactions we are unlikely to regret over time.
They might even be reactions we are particularly proud of or that we don't even recall because they are a match with the person we are or aspire to become. Regret and the shame that often accompanies it is a tough cross to bear when we should avoid it and when and where possible. So why would I write about this topic? Because it does not only apply to personal relationships, it applies to all interactions, including professional and commercial relationships with product and service providers.
Behaving badly costs us on all levels, it costs us opportunities, special offers, favors, even unexpected assistance in various areas of our lives. It's hard to know exactly what the occasional momentary laughs and judgment really cost us. If you think about it, how likely are you to help out or offer something to someone who has a quick temper or a sharp tongue? How likely are you to make concessions when negotiating with someone like that?
I tell you to be inclined to give much up. I wish you good outcomes from even the most trying of circumstances. It is possible. We just have to choose to act in line with our character by being aware of a reptilian alter ego and managing a response when it decides to surface.
You just listen to the post titled, dealing with conflict, time is on your side by Ellen Masikad of reader pursue calm and come by free to pursue calm and show Ellen support. She's a great writer and has some really cool book reviews. We're checking out too on her site of meta awesome person. And this has actually been my strategy for a long time as long as I can remember really.
I've never found he did arguments to do anything when someone's lashing out for whatever reason. My response is pretty much always take a step back helps so much. I really feel it diffuses attention and the situation. The only thing I wonder about is where the line is between getting that distance and running away completely or avoidance.
But just talking about it now, I think that if you choose to ignore or run away or avoid and never bring up this topic again, that can be a problem, especially with personal relationships, but could be fine in other situations like if a driver cuts you off in traffic, go ahead, take a step back and avoid it. You'll forget about it within minutes. But with relationships, it's really important to come back and try to have a civil conversation about it so that it doesn't continue to become an ongoing problem. Just my two cents from someone who completely relates to this article.
That I'll do it for today. Thank you for listening and sticking around until the end. Have a great weekend if you're listening in real time. And I'll see you tomorrow as usual.
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