#14 Self indulgence

Okay, this is the third and final card in the “Yellow” category. The Hedonism Trilogy.We had Pleasure (The sensation). We had Enjoyment of Life (The attitude). And now, the big one: Self-Indulgence.If the other two made me uncomfortable, this one makes me want to run for the hills.“Self-Indulgent” is almost always used as an insult. It implies weakness. It implies a lack of discipline. It implies eating the whole cake while everyone else watches. For a guy who works hard to cultivate Capability and Service, “Self-Indulgent” sounds like “Useless.”But I am holding this card, and I am looking at the definition in my head: yielding to one’s own desires.And I am thinking about my customers.I sell lattes. I sell giant, buttery pastries. I sell cookies with hazelnuts and praline. Nobody needs a hazelnut praline cookie to survive. Buying one is, by definition, an act of self-indulgence.When a customer walks in at 1:13 on a rainy Tuesday afternoon, looking tired, looking beaten down by their boss or their kids or the news, and they order that cookie... are they being “weak”?I don’t think so. I think they are being kind to themselves. I think they are buying a ten-minute vacation. I think they are using a small indulgence to patch a hole in their hull so they can keep sailing.So why is it so hard for me to buy that cookie for myself?Maybe it’s because I confuse Indulgence with Greed.* Greed is taking more than your share.* Indulgence is simply allowing yourself to have a share.I am hard on myself. I hold myself to high standards. I value “Capability” and “Ambition.” And often, I treat myself like a machine that just needs fuel, rather than a human who needs a treat.But machines break. Humans burn out.Maybe Self-Indulgence isn’t about being spoiled. Maybe it’s about Mercy. It’s the act of saying: “Nicholas, you are working hard. You are allowed to sit down. You are allowed to eat the cookie. You are allowed to watch the movie. You are allowed to turn your brain off.”If I can offer that mercy to a stranger across the counter for $4.50, surely I can offer it to myself for free.So, here ends the Hedonism Trilogy. Pleasure. Enjoyment. Indulgence.I don’t think I’ll ever be a “Hedonist.” My heart is still with the Blue cards—the values of Service and Benevolence that we are going to look at later.But I am realizing that I cannot be a servant if I am running on fumes. So I’m going to indulge. I’m going to savor. And then, once I’m full, I’m going to get back to work. Get full access to Nick Walton at nickfromoregon.substack.com/subscribe