Welcome, welcome, Here to Thrive listeners. This episode is on connecting. You know, things like how do we have charisma, warmth, make a positive first impression, that kind of stuff. I mentioned it at the start of the season four episodes, but each month we are focusing on a new theme with Here to Thrive for this season.
The theme is further backed up in the Here to Thrive community newsletter, which you should all go and sign up for over at heretothrive.com if you haven't already. But we started with adulting. We had How to Adult Like a Pro and then Keena Newell dove in deeper with us around financial wellbeing. She was so knowledgeable.
Wow, blown away by that episode. The next theme is around connection. So this episode, I'm sharing my thoughts with you on how you can show up and have that natural sense of charisma and warmth, but how we can also do this from a place that feels real and authentic to us, even if we're a little socially nervous or shy. And the next episode, I'm speaking with Johnny Zubak from the Art of Charm podcast.
And we're gonna dive deeper into connection with ourselves and others. He's got a few good tips and pointers, so let's have some fun, people. Welcome to Here to Thrive. I'm your host, Kate Snowwise.
This is a podcast for people who are ready to step up and live a happier life. It's for those of us who are dedicated to understanding ourselves and getting the best that we can out of a single life. It's a mix of psychology and modern spiritual thought, always with a focus on practical advice so that you can take it back and apply it to your own life. I don't believe we're here to merely survive.
I truly believe we're here to thrive. So let's get going. Connection. This is an interesting topic for me.
And honestly, that's because I do have a little bit of social anxiety. For the most part, I absolutely manage it. Like, not a big deal, but it is a trait that has endured over my life. It has held me back at times.
And I look back now and think of the woman I was in my early 20s and how much I wished I had been able to get out of my own head and take action because I craved more social contact than at times I probably had. But I was very nervous and conscious of being judged. Now, the fact that I also say this is probably quite entertaining because it's somewhat contradictory for me. So from a personality standpoint, I profile as socially shy or a little more reserved than other people.
But in the same way, I also profile as more warm and friendly than others. Like, how does that even work? Well, strangely enough, it does for me. But what it basically comes down to is the fact that I'm naturally shy on first meeting and I can get very overwhelmed by certain social settings.
But most days, I'm fairly okay at it now. I still have certain settings that will throw me for a loop. Like, it takes a lot of energy for me to show up in certain situations which are triggering or uncomfortable for me. And that's why I think it's an important message here is it takes courage to connect, but it's so worth it.
I'm kind of chuckling to myself because as I recall this, of course, what comes to mind is the last time that I felt like my social anxiety got the better of me. And I recall going to my co-working space a couple of years ago and it was packed with women. We were all there to see a well-known author speak as part of her book launch. And on the social front, it was a total fail for me.
I think I was already a little bit tired before I turned up. I hadn't got my head in the game. I literally walked into a packed building and I was so overwhelmed when I got in there. I couldn't find a place to stand.
I tried to make small talk with one lady and it didn't go super well. And then I found myself literally just going into my little social cave, which is basically staring at the floor, sitting by myself and avoiding all eye contact with other people until the event was over. And then I ran out as quickly as I could. So I don't pretend to always have this mastered, but for the most part, if I can kind of psych myself up and use the strategies that I'm going to talk through in this episode, I can stay pretty good.
And my own sort of social tendencies if you ever see me at a really big event, can you please come up and talk to me because you'll be doing me a favor. In truth, though, if you don't struggle with these kind of things, please look out for the person who might be slightly having a bit of a panic attack and give them a lifeline with a friendly smile and an opening for conversation. You don't know how big of a gesture this can be. And even if you would feel a little bit more like me, like you might tend towards that shyer side, if you can get out of your own way and recognize that you might be doing someone else a favor because there's a good at least half, if not more, of the population walking around feeling pretty nervous about events such as those.
So do other people a favor and be friendly. So that was a slight tangent, but I think it's important to open up and normalize this. I have studied personality and it's shocking to me that many of us feel like we are alone when it comes to feeling a lot of this kind of social anxiety and it's actually incredibly common. Most people aren't those kind of outgoing, seem to have it all together people, right?
Most people are not that. So if you can resonate with me at any level, I have some things to share with you. I mean, I moved to the USA and didn't know how to make friends and knew no one. And now I have friends, people, two cities.
I had to make friends twice. And I get it. It is not easy to start over knowing anyone and had to find ways to put myself out there and connect even when it's not my natural go-to. Still working on it, but getting better.
Must admit, now touching on that contradiction thing, the reason I said that is once you get to know me, you would not think of me as shy. I doubt any one of my friends would say that I'm shy. Why? Because I've got really good at functioning outside my natural trait tendency.
So I'm aware of this tendency and I choose to kind of override it if you like and show up differently. These are the choices I make. So I choose to show up more confidently. The second bit is once I'm actually comfortable with you, I won't shut up.
So it's just an initial barrier thing for me. So once people actually know me, they wouldn't see any evidence of this initial social anxiety or shyness because we're through that. So I'm kind of like fake it until you know me, if that makes sense. And the third thing is that I think, and the last thing I think has really made a difference for me is leaning into and owning myself.
This is where I've been able to focus less on other people accepting me and focus more on what feels good to me. And I think authenticity is an excellent word for that. That's what I wish I had been able to do a better job of in my early 20s. As I've matured, as I feel like many of us do, I've tried to show up less as someone who I think is acceptable to others and more as simply myself with that take me or leave me attitude.
Okay, so all that said, let's dive in a little deeper here. The first question I think is worth addressing is if it doesn't come naturally to you, what are some of the things you can do to show up as a warm and friendly person? Now, I wrote a blog post about this on my site, thrive.how, and it's literally still one of the ones that gets the most hits. Like people must Google search how to have charisma.
So here we go. Honestly, first impressions count and so much of what we say has nothing to do with words, people. So I do think we need to be conscious about making that positive first impression. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean you have to have makeup on and your hairstyle nicely.
Like that's not where I'm going with this. I'm talking about body language and the way we hold ourselves. So don't get too stuck in your head around this because obviously one of the downsides of being a little socially anxious is sometimes we can get stuck in our own heads. All I want you to remember is to smile.
Like warm and friendly people look warm and friendly. So smile. Stay open with your posture. Shoulders back, stand tall, hands behind your back, not over your forjjay-jay in that uncomfortable big leaf position that makes you look, I don't know, just uncomfortable.
Literally stand tall. Now, these are the things I remind myself before I go into a daunting social situation, before I go to someone's house for the first time. If I don't know someone very well and I'm meeting them for coffee, I'm like, smile, stand with open body posture. Simple.
All I need to remember. My message here is really to just be the most confident version of yourself on the outside even if you don't feel it on the inside. Smile with your eyes and that open body language, it really hacks into, according to Amy Cuddy, you can look this up, it really hacks into our physiology as well and even if we're kind of stuck in our head, if we can go against our natural instincts with our body, we can start to trick the nervous system into thinking we might not actually be as freaked out as we feel. So go on the hack front as well.
The next one almost feels like it's a communication hack but you totally need to know this and I mention it in coaching sessions because it's like one of those like little golden nuggets that I feel like we should all just be like remembering and that is we want to be positive when we meet people and I'm not like fake it positive like, oh, it's all rainbows and sugar puffs. No, just say something positive. Don't like on a first encounter with someone be like a total downer. Now, this is as relevant when you're going into an important business meeting as it is when you are opening a conversation with someone for the first time.
Research shows that if you start a conversation on an upbeat note that the entire conversation is likely to be more positive and open. I mean, it makes sense. Our emotions are contagious so if you can sort of channel that bright energy we've all got it and bring it into the initial context with someone or the start of a meeting room oh my gosh it's like you just lighten the space. Now, don't get me wrong here I'm all about having an event session with a friend when you need it like social support people but that's a friendship and I'm not talking about that here I'm talking about making positive first impressions and connections.
So start positively. The other little hack I would mention here is it's important to actually initiate conversations. Like, don't wait for people to talk to you you have to talk to them and I know you can feel like a jerk doing this like I feel like a jerk doing this but if you're a big social event my favorite thing to do is to go and stand by the food or the bar and then just say something casual to the person next to me. I feel like this sounds creepy breaking it down but it's really not as creepy as it sounds.
So the application might look a little bit like this. If you're at an uncomfortable networking event and you want to try and connect with new people standing at the food I might turn to the person next to me and say this seems like a really nice group of people or haven't done a lovely job with this event positive thing and then if I get an inkling of a response from the person I'll turn towards them open body language with a big smile on my face and say by the way I'm Kate and then people reciprocate with their name and you've started conversation and connection boom conversation started. On the making new friends tactic honestly the first thing we have to recognize here is that friendships take a while to develop so just because you meet someone in the park doesn't mean you're now going to be like BFFs in five minutes. Let's be honest about that you can't rush an actual and authentic friendship also you'll find that you'll hang with some people but they won't be your ride and dies and that's okay too and completely normal.
Oh my there are so many dynamics that go into actually making a friendship sick so I just want to say that if you feel like you struggle in this run please just be a little bit gentle with yourself because I mean most of us only have like a handful of good friends so just keep putting in the effort recognizing that this one's a numbers game as much as anything but be willing to start the conversation. If you're a mom in the playground or you're on the sidelines of a soccer game with other moms I've totally made friends at the playground by the way one of my great friends I met at a local playground when I first got to Minnesota all you have to do is be the person that says oh how old is your little guy and like look up I contact people like be interested smiley friendly not creepy or you can also like hypothetically you're sitting alongside other parents at a kid's soccer game just be like oh who's your little guy got for a teacher this year and open up a conversation then before you go too far in the conversation turn around and say oh I'm Kate by the way because otherwise you just continue this like superficial conversation where you never share any personal information and literally introducing yourself earlier on can help deepen the connection just saying now if you get a good vibe of this person you've been talking for a little bit then you can say something like we should do a playdite sometime boom exchange phone numbers if you don't have kids maybe you can say it'd be really nice to get together for a coffee sometime or lunch yeah great exchange phone numbers and like what's the worst that can happen you know the worst that can happen is they will either be like oh yeah I'm really busy you don't get their phone number or they'll say something like yeah sure give you their phone number and then you'll text them and you'll hear back like none of this is terminal people it's just part and part of the process okay you just need to realize it's not a big deal so the third part of this is always be willing to invite people into your home be the one to make the first move invite another family over to watch the game or for a casual barbecue because people tend to reciprocate okay so it's like this other form of human dynamics it's like the reciprocity principle that if I invite you in my house you're going to feel obliged to invite me to yours and that's how it goes around now does it always play out like that no but again just get in the game open up and let people in and you'll be amazed that people open up and let you in too now this is more of a side note but I feel like it's really important and if you want to be considered sort of warm and friendly please just listen oh my gosh holy crap people we need to be conscious that everybody wants to be heard I'm sure we all know these people that like they can talk about anything forever sometimes themselves but you feel like you'll leave a conversation with them and they haven't asked anything about you I'm just highlighting this because I think a lot of people do it unconsciously so one of the best ways and then listen to their response don't be in your head thinking about what you want to say just be present with someone be curious now when I say question others and listen I don't mean interrogate them like this is a two-way conversation so look for links for sure but also just be careful not to like one-up every example that they have with a story of your own like oh yeah like oh cool so you went to Fiji well I went to this even more amazing tropical island destination super place you know what I mean listen and share about yourself too this really just comes with being genuinely open to being curious to learn about someone else Because we all want to feel listened to. We all want to be heard. Which brings me to my very last bit, arguably the most important, and that's authenticity.
Now, I mentioned earlier that it isn't always going to be a fit when you are meeting new people. Please don't try and shapeshift yourself to somehow align with someone else. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. And be honest about that.
The other thing I feel like I have noticed about authenticity is that it has this kind of magnetism about it. Like it really does make you cooler. I wish I had a better description, but I'm sure you can think of someone who just seems to ooze the sense of self. That makes them really cool.
When I consider my ability to make friends and connections now, I think that really knowing myself and showing up as that authentic, real, self-help, book, lover, cheesy quotes and all type person has allowed me to form much more authentic connections with people. And truth, maybe I have sacrificed some superficial relationships through being more myself. Like I really do swear too much in everyday conversation, people. And that's not for everyone.
I mean, like there is a good chance that I might accidentally say shit in front of your children. And if that's going to be a major problem for you, then our friendship is probably not going to make it. Let's be honest. But it also means that I do have relationships in my life that I can be exactly as I am.
And that makes them feel easy. So to the how-to summary, here are my pointers. Make yourself uncomfortable. So this is a muscle.
And the more you stretch it, the more comfortable you become in uncomfortable social situations. Consciously smile and be open with your body language. If you want to read more on this, you can search Amy Cuddy. She has a book called Presence.
And it's a good read. And I think she has a TED Talk that might be useful too. Be the initiator of conversations and inviting people over. People will tend to reciprocate out of just like social niceties.
So typically you have more to gain than lose here. Go over to the food at an event or swing by the bar. Maybe even talk to people in the line at the bathroom. I feel like that's always been a good place for me to connect at big events.
They might work better for women more than men. But, you know, look for where people are naturally congregating but not necessarily already wound up in an attached conversation. Listen genuinely. Please do your best to get out of your head and just into that present moment and concentrate on the person you're with and learning about them.
I like to think of being curious at this point. Make sure this doesn't turn into an interrogation. Obviously, you also have to share about yourself. But a great conversation should have a natural back and forth and not just be one person doing all the talking.
And if nothing else, work on not actually giving a fuck what anyone else thinks about you. Your own approval is worth a billion times more than anyone else's. And on that, don't give a fuck. I'm going to drop the mic there.
See, I am the person that will swear in front of your kids. Whoopsie daisy. So it goes. I love showing up to this podcast and sharing my insights on what it means to be human week on week.
As I mentioned, next week we have Johnny Zubak from the Art of Charm podcast coming to share some of his wisdom with us here. It means so much to me, your ratings, your reviews, your messages. You guys have been so sweet. I feel like I've been getting more messages and the reviews have picked up a little bit lately too.
So thank you for putting the effort in to write those and share your thoughts with me. It really does help the show. Another thing that would help the show, if you enjoy it, tell a friend. It could be a good thing to connect over.
You can debrief over here to thrive episodes. It would mean a lot if you could recommend this podcast or a friend if you've enjoyed it. All right, beautiful people. I will be back with you next week with Johnny Zubak.
In the meantime, keep thriving. Don't be afraid to start a conversation. Keep thriving, beautiful people. Keep thriving.