153: Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home

In her book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa Turner talks about the disconnection we feel from others, as well as from our own selves, because of the experiences we’ve had in our childhood.  While Toko-pa’s childhood was traumatic by any definition, even those of us who didn’t experience severe trauma were told - either verbally or non-verbally: You’re not enough.  You’re not good enough.   Or even: You’re too much.And we shut off that part of us, whatever it was.  Our sense of joy, our creativity, our need for autonomy.   We set aside those needs so we could be accepted by our family, whose love we craved more than anything in the world.But that doesn’t mean we need to always live our lives in this way.  We can accept the pain and suffering we’ve experienced, and incorporate that into new, more whole ways of being in the world.  A big part of this is finding a new relationship with our needs - seeing them, understanding them, being willing to articulate them.  Being willing to ask for help in meeting our needs - from our children, our partners, and our communities.  Toko-pa points out that our culture teaches us that the giver is in the position of strength; they are rich and secure and don’t need anyone’s help.  The receiver is the weak, poor, needy one (the whole thing smacks of femininity, doesn’t it?).  So to be in the position of strength we give and give and give until we don’t have anything left.But we have needs too, and we deserve to have these met, and to invite others to help us meet them - and this episode helps us to get started.I want to remind you of a couple of upcoming opportunities if you see that your own needs are not being met right now.   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.     Toko-Pa Turner's Book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home (Affiliate Link).   Jump to highlights: 02:18 We create separation because we worry that we won’t be acceptable to the world. 02:50 An open invitation to join the free Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Workshop. 05:01 Toko-Pa’s quest for belonging leaves her hungry for her mother's love and recognition. 06:38 Our first experiences of not belonging come at the hands of our families 08:51 Due to the dogma we have lived, we learn to hide, dismiss, or separate our feelings that are not valued 12:03 The desire to teach our child a lesson comes from our own pain, resulting from our own trauma. 13:25 Women are raised with extensive cultural history programming that dictates how a proper lady should behave. 18:54 The Death Mother is an archetype that represents a mother who takes control of her children's narrative lives in order to overcome her own traumas. 24:12 Being a mother has no worth in our culture, because they live to serve their children. 26:50 We gain a sense of belonging when we can help others. 33:43 The fear and shame associated with being an imposition on others. 37:44 You burden people when you show that you are in pain and in need. 42:00 Being seen is a paradox. It's the thing that we want more than anything, but we fear it more than anything too. 48:22 The purpose of our dreams. 54:53 Belonging to yourself to those who need you - both human and other-than-human.