154: Authoritative isn’t the best Parenting “Style”

“On average, authoritative parents spanked just as much as the average of all other parents.  Undoubtedly, some parents can be authoritative without using spanking but we have no evidence that all or even most parents can achieve authoritative parenting without an occasional spank.” &nbsp; I was fascinated by this statement, since authoritative parenting is the best style.  We know it’s the best, right? &nbsp; I mean, everyone says it is.  Including me and who was the co-author on this paper this statement comes from?  None other than Dr. Diana Baumrind, creator of the Parenting Styles (although they weren’t called that then; they were originally called the Models of Parental Control.  Just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I’m going to say that again: Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the parenting styles/model of parental control, says you can’t achieve the parenting style that has the ‘best’ outcomes for children without an occasional spank. &nbsp; So in this episode we dig pretty deeply into what makes up the parenting styles, and what Dr. Baumrind and others found about the effectiveness of these styles, and what impacts they had on children.  (And I have to warn you now, the samples sizes we’re looking at to ‘prove’ that authoritative is the best parenting style are going to make your stomach churn.) &nbsp; Questions this episode will answer What are the parenting styles that Dr. Diana Baumrind identified? Dr. Baumrind originally identified three parenting styles in her groundbreaking research: Authoritarian (high control, low warmth)Permissive (low control, high warmth)Authoritative (high control, high warmth). Later, other researchers added a fourth style—Uninvolved or Neglectful parenting (low control, low warmth). This completes the two-by-two grid framework we know today. The episode explores what Baumrind actually meant by these categories. They might not be helpful for modern parents trying to build healthy relationships with their children.   What's the difference between parenting styles and parental control? Were they originally the same thing? Many parents don't realize that what we now call "parenting styles" began as Dr. Baumrind's study of "Models of Parental Control." This shows that her research focused on how parents exercise authority over children. She wasn't looking to describe all possible parenting approaches. Most experts - including me! - just replicate what everyone else says: Authoritative is the best parenting style. But when we dig deeper we find that authoritative might not be as great as most experts claim.   Why does everyone say authoritative parenting is the best style? Authoritative parenting is widely promoted as the gold standard. It supposedly balances firm boundaries with emotional warmth.  Decades of research have shown that authoritative is the best of the three (later four) parenting styles that Dr. Baumrind identified.  But there’s no evidence that these are the only possible parenting styles.  Dr. Baumrind herself found another style that she called ‘harmonious’ but she chose not to explore it. Researchers have just accepted that there are only four styles. Within these four, authoritative is often (but not always) best for children.   How large were the sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind's original parenting styles research? The sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind's original research were shockingly small. You might then question how such an influential idea became so widely accepted on such limited evidence. This is a perfect example of why we should critically examine even the most established parenting theories.   Is authoritative best in all cultures and circumstances? Authoritative parenting is often presented as universally ideal. The episode examines how different cultural contexts value different parenting approaches. What works well in one cultural setting might not transfer to another. An emphasis on authoritative parenting often reflects Euro-centric values and assumptions. The podcast explores this cultural dimension and challenges the one-size-fits-all recommendation.   What alternative approaches to parent-child relationships does the episode suggest? The episode introduces alternatives that move beyond the control-based framework of the traditional parenting styles. We explore approaches that honor both parent and child needs. We don't have to default to authoritarian control or permissive lack of boundaries. These alternative frameworks offer a more nuanced understanding of the parent-child relationship. &nbsp; What you'll learn in this episode The widely accepted "authoritative” parenting style might not actually be the best approachDr. Diana Baumrind created the parenting 'styles.' Surprisingly, she thought authoritative parents should spank their children.We'll describe the 2x2 grid of parenting styles, which describe parents' warmth and control. Each one describes a particular parenting style and how parents using that style interact with their kids.The original research describing the parenting styles used very small sample sizes. Dr. Baumrind deliberately tried to recruit only middle class White children in her hometown of Berkeley, CA in the 1960s.Dr. Baumrind wanted to explore how parents controlled their children, not what parenting style is best for children.Cultural context shapes how we interact with our children. This challenges the one-size-fits-all recommendation of authoritative parentingWe'll look at alternative approaches to parent-child relationships. These honor both your needs and your child's needs without relying on control-based frameworks &nbsp; If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm &amp; collaboration. &nbsp; I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:33 Introduction to today’s topic 04:05 Influential figures like Dr. Larzelere and Dr. Baumrind supported spanking within authoritative parenting. 16:19 Traditional parenting expects child compliance, emphasizing authority over autonomy, and conformity over individuality. 28:30 Dr. Baumrind's parenting styles theory categorizes parenting into two extremes, neglecting the middle ground of "harmonious parenting." 38:30 Harmonious parenting emphasizes reasoning and mutual understanding while behavioral compliance can create mixed messages about control and values, reflecting broader societal power dynamics. 46:19 Parenting styles must adapt to cultural diversity and consider alternative parenting goals, emphasizing mutual understanding and meeting children's needs. 49:46 Understanding and meeting the needs of children and parents can eliminate the need for punishment. &nbsp; References: Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development 887-907. Baumrind, D. (1996). A blanket injunction against disciplinary use of spanking is not warranted by the data. Pediatrics 98(4) 828-831. Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology Monograph 4(1, Part 2), 1-103. Baumrind, D. (1971). Note: Harmonious parents and their preschool children. Developmental Psychology 4(1), 99-102. Baumrind, D. (1983). Rejoinder to Lewis’s reinterpretation of parental firm control effects: Are authoritative families really harmonious? Psychological Bulletin 94(1), 132-142. Baumrind, D. (1996). The discipline controversy revisited. Family Relations 45(4), 405-414. Baumrind, D. (2013). Is a pejorative view of power assertion in the socialization process justified? Review of General Psychology 17(4), 420-427. Baumrind, D., Larzelere, R.E., Owens, E.B. (2010). Effects of preschool parents’ power assertive patterns and practices on adolescent development. Parenting Science and Practice 10, 157-201. Cowan, P.A., Cowan, C.P., Weinstein, R., Owens, E. (2020). In Memoriam: Diana B Baumrind. University of California. Retrieved from https://senate.universityofcalifornia.edu/in-memoriam/files/diana-baumrind.html Darling, N., &amp;amp; Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin 113(3), 487-496. Greenspan, S. (2006). Rethinking “harmonious parenting” using a three-factor discipline model. Child Care in Practice 12(1), 5-12. Garcia, O.F., Lopez-Fernandez, O., &amp;amp; Serra, E. (2021). Raising Spanish children with an antisocial tendency: Do we know what the optimal parenting style is? Journal of Interpersonal Violence 36 (13-14), 6117-6144. Gross, A.K. (2021, October 18). How White supremacy culture shows up in our families +practices for how we can dismantle it. Mistress Syndrome. 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