176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond

Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?   I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.   We discuss, among other things: The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoodsWhat kinds of shame really are helpful in our livesHow to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children   AJ's book (Affiliate link) Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold?   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 02:05 How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is 05:12 What is shame? 07:15 Different versions of shame for different people 08:10 Shame is like an alarm system 10:39 The breaking of the interpersonal bridge 15:48 What does good repair look like 18:45 The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger 25:41 The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time 26:58 Shame will often feel like it’s connected to survival 31:09 Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame? 34:18 The concept of healthy shame 37:19 The 123 Punch of Shame 47:03 How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values   References Arnink, C.L. 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