Welcome to Here to Thrive. I'm your host, Kate Snowwise. This is a podcast for people who are ready to steep up and live a happier life. It's for those of us who are dedicated to understanding ourselves and getting the best that we can out of this thing called life.
It's a mix of psychology and modern spiritual thought, always with a focus on practical advice so that you can take it back and apply it to your own life. I don't believe we're here to merely survive. I truly believe we're here to thrive. So let's get going.
Today on the Here to Thrive podcast, I wanted to address the issue of authenticity. It's something that is such a buzzword in the self-help space, but I feel like so many of us aren't really sure what it means. Or more importantly, what it means to us and the way we live our lives. It's like we know we're supposed to be authentic, but what does that look like?
So I want to talk about that today and help you conceptualize what living an authentic life could look like for you and what that means to you. And really just get you thinking about how you are living your own life and if it feels real for you. So this one's a little bit more of a discussion format than perhaps some of my other podcasts, which might feel a little bit more instructional. But I'm sure it will get you thinking.
So I want to start with what authenticity is. And the best definition I've found so far comes from Brene Brown. And she says, Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. So if we break down the two parts of that definition, there is letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.
So it leads to the question, well, then who do we think we're supposed to be? And I think we underestimate how much that we are affected by the society we grow up in and the expectations of others and the stories of success and happiness that we buy into. I mean, in Western society, we have inadvertently been taught that success kind of looks like a white picket fence, two cars, successful jobs, a college degree, probably. That's what we are taught, whether we kind of realize it or not.
I bought into that hook, line, and sinker. In my 20s, I was definitely living a life of who I thought I was supposed to be. I chased after the corporate job so that I could wear the suits and beautiful high heels and was married in my 20s, went on to be a mom. All of it beautiful, all of it important in my development.
But I wasn't necessarily chasing my own goals so much as the goals of the society that I had been brought up in. And so it really just becomes an opportunity to ask yourself, are these the things I want? Or am I attached to these notions of who I'm supposed to be and what I think I'm supposed to do rather than what is really coming up for me? The other part of that is that we all kind of wear social masks at times.
We all don't let everything out there, if you like. And I think authenticity gets a bad reputation sometimes because we think that being authentic is being messy and sort of spilling your guts. And it doesn't necessarily need to be that. But it's about embracing our imperfection, if you like, and recognizing that that is perhaps where our beauty lies.
That in being different and unique and vulnerable, we are more real. And those are the words I think about when I think about the people I know that are authentic. They're real. They're genuine.
They're grounded. They're not worried or obsessing about what other people think. They're just honest and true. Now, the other part of Renee Brown's definition is embracing who we are.
Now, the huge part that comes with that is that we have to know who we are. And I know that I got to the end of my 20s. And that's sort of where my crisis of deepening started was recognizing that I didn't know who I was. And I didn't really know what I needed to feel really alive or excited.
And that led me on a big path of self-discovery. And so I don't think that we need to be worried if we can't immediately say, well, I am this person and I need that. But if you feel like that question, embracing who we are, if you feel like that raises more questions than answers for you, then I'd encourage you to start there on your path to authenticity because it's such a vital part of being authentic and having an authentic life is being able to tune into what it is that makes us feel alive and what it is that we crave out of life, what makes us tick. It's certainly an area I work in with a lot of my coaching clients.
A lot of people come to me when they're feeling that level of confusion around who they really are and what they really need. And it's one of my favorite places to work with people. So if you feel like that question comes up for you and you feel uneasy with that, then don't hesitate to go over to my website and have a look at some of the coaching I do. It's at thrive.how, so www.thrive.how.
But why do we even want to be authentic? I think it's so important to sort of ask ourselves, what are the benefits of this? Because it's all very well to just start off a buzzword and rave on about authenticity. But if I don't even know why I need it, why does it matter?
I think, again, I love Renee Brown when it comes to authenticity. She's just got this one covered. So a great quote from her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and I will put that in the show notes. It's called The Gifts of Imperfection by Renee Brown in a great short read.
But this one always makes me chuckle. So that's the support for why we would even want to live an authentic life. She says, I think we should all be born with a warning label, similar to a cigarette package. Caution.
If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief. Oh, Renee, you got it. The thing is, if we turn away from ourselves and if we turn away from our real and authentic nature, we hurt.
There's a level of pain that comes with that. And we either look to numb that pain through eating too much or not eating enough or drinking too much and self-medicating, or we become withdrawn, sad, depressed, full of rage, sadness, and anxiety. I don't want to live my life that way. I don't want to live my life not giving my attention to my authentic self and honoring that.
I don't want to live with that pain. And so that's why I think it's so important. I was speaking with a bunch of women last week about authenticity, and I was so surprised when I said to them, can you think about a time when you weren't being true to yourself? Can you think about a time when you turned away from yourself?
And can you recognize that? Did you know in your past behavior when you were turning towards yourself or turning away from yourself? And what I was struck by was this resounding, yes. We know in our heart of hearts, we know deep inside whether the decisions we're making are taking us further away from ourselves or closer to ourselves.
It's just that sometimes we don't want to admit it because being authentic can feel scary. It takes courage. But as Renee says, if we choose safety, if we trade our authenticity for safety, there's a price to pay. It hurts us.
So I just want you to sit with that thought for a second, that we know when we're making decisions that turn away from ourselves, and we know when we're making decisions that bring us closer to ourselves. And even though the decisions that bring us closer to ourselves might be scarier, and take more courage, they will always make you feel better in the long term. So being authentic, I believe, leads us to sort of genuine and fulfilling happiness that we can't necessarily tap into when we are making decisions that take us away from our true natures. The other beautiful thing about being authentic is it breeds connection between people.
We crave authenticity in others. It's like our souls speaking to one another. I'm sure you all know someone who's relatively superficial, and the small talk gets frustratingly boring, if you ask me. I'm not much of one for small talk.
I'm definitely a deep feeler, a deep thinker, and so I crave authenticity in other people. Oh my my, I need it to sustain a relationship. I need people to be very authentic and real with me. And part of that is showing me their imperfection, showing me their vulnerabilities, telling me when they're scared, because we all feel that way.
And it is when people open up with you that you can really connect with them. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think it is appropriate to go out and start laying your heart on the line with any old person. As Renee Brown sort of says, you have to earn someone's trust. Someone has to earn your trust before you sort of open up with them.
But when you're in a relationship, to really deepen it, you have to be open. You have to be willing to put your real self out on the table if you want it to deepen into something more than a superficial connection. So what are the things that stop us from being authentic? In my opinion, there are three things that really get in the way.
We've touched on one a little bit already, and that is society's expectations, or the expectations of those around us. So if you've grown up in an environment where there were big and strong expectations about what your life part was going to look like, if your parents had big expectations, and you bought into those, it's something that can really hold you back from your own authentic self. Because when you buy into other people's expectations for you, or expectations of you, if they're not in line with your authentic self, you can very easily turn away from yourself. There's also the society's expectations.
You know, we live in a Western society where, as I mentioned, we've bought into the notion that success looks like money, and having everything that we need, and a four-bedroom house, two cars, white-packer fence. It's very easy to be caught up in that. And it's often hard or courageous to turn away and say, that's not what I actually want. I mean, as a woman, I think we see the discussion more these days, but the expectation or society's expectation is that you become a mother at a certain age.
And for those women that perhaps don't want kids, it can be hard to stand their ground and say, that's not what I want for my life. That is not authentic for me. So the second thing, which I've touched on, but I want to go a little bit deeper, that stops us from being authentic, is not really knowing ourselves. By not really knowing ourselves, we can't really know what we want or need.
And so that self-awareness and willingness to look inside of ourselves and treat ourselves as an exciting discovery project is so essential. A good life is one when we're connected to what it is that brings us alive. And if you haven't yet listened to my podcast about nourishing your soul, I think that's an awesome starting place to really start to think about what are the things that light you up. So go back and listen to that one if you haven't heard it already.
So self-knowing is an essential part of living an authentic life. But the third element that I think stops us from really expressing ourselves authentically in life is a tendency to people please, which is always undermined by a sort of weak sense of self-worth. And I will say to this person, oh my, my, I fail you on this one. If you are prone to people pleasing, then please know I understand you.
And there is no judgment coming from me because I am still a recovering people pleaser. But I can't get over how much my authentic expression has changed since I became really aware of my people pleasing tendencies and have been able to sort of override them. So in terms of being a people pleaser, so often what we're doing is based out of the need of other people's approval. So rather than approving of ourselves and looking inside for that sense of approval, we tend to rely on the outside to give us that sense of approval.
And like I mentioned, it typically comes down to a sense of sort of lower self-worth or not really believing in ourselves. And that absolutely undermines our ability to be authentic. So for example, if you are the type of person that is putting on your clothing and you're more worried about what your girlfriends are going to think, then whether you love it, you just need to think about whether you're being truly authentic to you or are you more worried about impressing other people? And don't get me wrong, it's not always an issue, but I think it's something to be very conscious of.
And I watched this awesome TED Talk by a woman called Sarah Pernholm and I'm going to put it in the show notes about authentic expression and she gives a great tool to help manage this. And she talks about its use on social media or before you commit to something. I love it because it's so simple to remember and this is the takeaway I want to leave you with today. But it's about questioning yourself and asking before you commit to something or before you commit to a post or commit to going out with some friends or whatever it might be, am I trying to impress or am I trying to express?
So before you post that social media post, are you doing it out of a place of authentic expression or are you doing it out of a place of wanting to impress some people? Because if you're leaning towards being worried about other people's thoughts and trying to impress others, then it may not be so authentic. The thing about authenticity is I see it as a practice. We need to stay connected with ourselves and that inner guidance system to really be able to show up and consistently be authentic.
And so you have to sort of make a lifestyle choice that you want to show up and live a life that is real and in alignment with you and be committed to that. And that means taking the time to regularly check in with yourself and see what it is that you need. That means cultivating curiosity it means being courageous and trying new things. Challenging that comfort zone.
It means nourishing your soul as I mentioned earlier and doing the things that make you feel alive. There was such a brief introduction to authenticity but I hope it got you thinking about what the subject really means and what it means to your life, what it means to you. So as I mentioned, we talked about authenticity, being letting go of who you think you're supposed to be and embracing who you are. I talked about why we would want authenticity because it's where true fulfillment and genuine happiness stems from and it's also how we can create real and deep connections with other people.
I also talked through the three things that's not passed from being authentic and those are society's expectations, the stuff that we often don't even realize we're brought into. It's not knowing ourselves. It's not really having that deep understanding and connection with ourselves that allows us to express it. And then it's that people-pleasing tendency.
It's worrying more about impressing others than it is about impressing ourselves, and it always comes from a place of low self-confidence or worth. And in order to stay authentically connected, we have to be committed to that kind of life. We have to be committed to being courageous and stepping out of our comfort zone and challenging ourselves. We have to take the time to check in with ourselves and reflect and work out what it is we need, where we are feeling at a certain time in our lives, what's rising in us.
And we need to nourish our souls and make sure we stay connected and lit up from the inside out. If you have any questions or want to continue this discussion about authenticity, jump over to my Facebook group, which has got the same name. It's called Here to Thrive. It's a closed Facebook group, but it's completely free.
I would love to continue the conversation there with you. As I mentioned, if you feel like there's parts of this that leave you with more questioning, don't hesitate to jump over to my page and look at my life coaching options. I help so many people sort of deepen their understanding of themselves so that they can show up and be more authentic in their lives, because that self-knowing is a crucial element. Finally, I'm going to leave in the show notes, as I mentioned, that TED Talk I talked about, and a link to Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, which is such an easy and light read and such a beautiful introduction to some of these topics around authenticity and living a real life.
Thank you so very much for tuning in and listening today. If you found this useful, I would so sincerely appreciate it if you could pop over and leave me a little review in iTunes. You can do it from your phone if you're listening on there. If you can't see a review tab, you may just need to search Here to Thrive.
Again, click on the little picture, the icon for the podcast, and then there should be a tab that comes up in the middle with a review button on it. From there, you should be able to type in your review right from your phone. The reason this matters to me is this is how iTunes decides whether or not this one's worth listening to, and it helps me get the message out there and spread the word. I would so appreciate if you enjoyed this, telling a friend, let them know about the podcast so I can help spread these messages just a little bit later.
Thanks so much.