20 - The Little Mermaid (May 2023)

Little did we know that it would actually be the "Disney Live-Action Remake-a-verse", rather than the MCU, that would end up being the bane of our existence when we started this project. But alas, here we are. Why, oh why, did someone decide that this movie needed to be "Part of Our World", when truly, the ideas for this meandering sea slug should have been left "Under the Sea" with the rest of the bottom-feeders? And by that, I mean among actual aquatic animals, not the grumbling execs over at Disney scraping the bottom of the barrel for their next unoriginal remake. Yes, Halle Bailey does a rippin' job with the songs, but watching her act opposite an eerily photorealistic crab and a male lead who hasn't figured out he's not doing actual musical theatre makes me want to impale myself on the bow of a wrecked ship. And even more egregious than somehow managing to add 52 minutes of runtime to a children's movie is the fact that they yanked my boy René Auberjonois clean out of this movie like the guts of one of his famous hors d'oeuvres. Ursula, grab your quill—I'm ready to sign away my soul to avoid seeing this movie ever again. [email protected]