Hi, this is Pablo Francisco. I'm WG Giovanni. This is Craig Shoemaker. This is Brian Collins.
This is Sebastian Maniscalco, and you're watching the Comedy Sideshow. Good evening, Eskimos and hot chicks. Welcome to the Comedy Sideshow. I'm your host, Theo Vaughn.
We've got an amazing episode for you, filled with everything you ever wanted to know about comedy, including our in-studio guest, Nikki Glaser. First, let's start off the show with some new material. Here's a clip I had on the stage the other night. What's the food here?
I can't even guess. Man, how crazy is that? What the fuck? Like, all you have to do is invent a dance move.
They'll keep you above water. Teach me how to duggie paddle. This is stupid. What else is going on?
Child abuse is getting big again, which is fine with me. That's who beat the fuck out of these bitches. No, not you women. I mean, the kids.
I like it anyway. You like it anyway, right? I'm fine. Yeah?
Yeah, I don't know. These are big kids. I'm always young. We just got our ass beat, you know?
If you weren't good, you got the shit beat out of you. You know, one time my mom beat you so bad, I couldn't even wear clothes for a week. Just because it hurt so much. You know, my buddy's like, dude, you're naked.
I'm like, yeah, but I'm behaving. That's what's important here. Oh, I met my first Jewish Jamaican person. Hey, my knee.
I got like that. All right. We're trying. We're trying.
These are new jokes. My family's going through a tough time, actually, right now. My uncle just got busted for sucking really small dicks. Everybody's pretty good out of shape about it, you know?
It's like what you do, you know? He's my favorite uncle, too. He thought I'd bust a nut. He didn't touch us or anything.
He just stood up and jerked off into the fire. But I wasn't going to say anything, you know? It was his party. And then someone just got to sit there and finish a cake.
I like my boo-man. I mean, if I could be black, I would be black next time. It's just cool, you know? You can wear whatever you want, you know?
If you said black, I want that shirt down in here. What fucking size is that? Forever? Like, if I were that, I'd look like a lesbian about to take a nap.
The only black person I don't like is the lady that works at the department store, the one that's always on break. I'm like, man, I'm looking for a new suit. She's like, I'm on break. But you're the only person working today, and I'm on break.
Damn it, man. I thought about it. I was like, I'm lame black people. Like, you know, I mean, like, you know, for being, I don't know, upset at white people about shit.
Like, man, I'm not the guy that put him to work, you know? Like, in the past. I mean, if slavery even happened, I mean, they never found the boats. But, um, I'm not the person I put him to work, you know?
Like, I mean, I look a little bit like the guy that did, okay? I get on that. But, um, so it's been really surprising. Like, honestly, if I were black, I would fucking beat the shit out of white people every day.
That's all I would do. I'd just get up early, I'd put on a cake. I'd call myself Blacktastic. I'd just fucking fly around, kicking crackers all day long.
And they'd be like, Blacktastic, come quick. A bus full of kids just fell on the river. And I'd be like, are they white? Yeah?
Well, tell them I'm on break. I'd be all right for a bit. Those are jokes, enough for you. Welcome back.
Guess who's got a boner to pick with you? That'd be me. I don't know what you guys thought of those new jokes I just want to say. But I know something that is very funny.
And she is sitting right next to me. Nikki Glaser, how are you? Yeah, I know it's you. Good to see you.
Oh, nice. And she made that sound. Yeah, I felt good about it. Oh, good.
I like that. That's a good start. I was just telling you, such a gentleman. Well, I don't like it.
We first met on Last Comic Standing. We met on Last Comic Standing where you were a full-time contestant. Yeah. And I got kicked off.
And we'd be going to the table and we'd be like, you look lovely this evening. You're just such a Southern gentleman. It's human part of this business. I would rather be a Northern non-gentleman who gets some puss.
You know what I'm saying? Okay, and we were just like, that doesn't get you a lot of money anyway. Yeah, I'm like a Southern gentleman. Like, you look lovely, darling.
I don't think I get you laid anymore. I know. And tonight you didn't tell me you look lovely. And I want to fuck you so bad.
That's what I'm talking about, dude. Like, why does it work? Times are a changes. I've learned the game.
Can we cuss on the shelves? Yeah, we can cuss, yeah. Okay. We can cuss.
Because this week I watched I Am Comic. It's a documentary. You watched it this week? I did, yeah.
Just watched it the other night. And it was awesome because I saw a lot of comedians that I know and I recommend it. If you don't know anything about stand-up comedy, check out I Am Comic. You can get it on iTunes.
It's play instantly even. I mean, on Netflix, play instantly. It's great. And you'll learn a lot.
And we're on there. Yeah. I met the director at a comedy. Michael, is that his?
No, it's Jordan Brady. Jordan Brady and Michael Adonis, I think, did The Heckler. Okay, that's right. Yeah, there's a lot of documentaries, but this one was like, I'm so proud to be a part of it.
It's a good one if you are interested in stand-up on any level, if you want to do it, or if you just enjoy it. It's just a really in-depth look at stand-up. You know, I got to show it to my parents and they were like, we get it. What we do is really difficult.
It's not like you're just throwing your life away. Like, it's a good... Maybe they should recommend that to my family to check out. I really, yeah, I think they'll get it.
I mean, maybe this part, because I was in it and kind of struggling in it, kind of shows me coming up in the business. Yeah, no, I saw you at the... I mean, I even recognized that comedy you were standing up when I was off. The Tempe Improv.
Tampa. Tempe Improv. Yeah, right in Ybor City, and I was like, oh, I slept right there. Yeah.
I've been on that sofa. Yeah, I tried to get my threesome one night in that place in that living room. I buy drugs. I know.
I was in an interview. I'm getting an interview, and during the interview, the doorbell rings, and it's the guy that is emceeing the shows. Roy, I remember him. Roy, coming to give me drugs.
That's awesome. That's how the whole thing works. Marijuana, you know. Marijuana.
We're not talking about something crazy. We're not talking about Adderall, but if you have a hook-up, please. NikkiPlazer at Gmail is my email. Actually, I've got some 5 milligrams in the car.
Do you really? Yeah, it's extended release. It's time release. Oh, so I'll have to plan ahead for what I want to be pronounced.
Yeah, I'll have to plan ahead for what I want to be pronounced. I want to clean my room tomorrow. Yeah, there you go. That's the only way I got shit done.
It's more like, yeah, you have to really look in your planner. Have you snorted as an extended release? I'm not sure. I've never done that.
I'm just saying that that's something that people do. Sometimes I'll suppository them. Ooh. And then, actually, you don't get any at all at all, but you get the feeling of sticking something in your ass for a second.
And that motivates you in the same way. Keep your focus. That'll keep you up for at least an hour. What the fuck did I just do?
Like, you're just out questioning your identity. Oh, yeah. I've been there. I have been there many times.
Now, your identity. Let's talk about your identity, then. You are a female stand-up comedian out of the Midwest. I have a vagina.
You have a vagina. You're an attractive girl. So, how does... I want to know...
I have a compliment. Okay, sorry. You are lovely. You look lovely.
How is it being an attractive girl on the road? Like, do girls, like, hook up on the road? Does that happen with this? No.
Not really. I do find that it doesn't... Like, I see my male counterparts getting laid on the road all the time. Like, when they come up drunk, like, you are so funny, and, like, falling over them, and then one thing goes to the other, and you see them walking up to the other.
That never happens with me. I mean, guys will come up. I don't... I don't know if it's me or the guy, but I don't necessarily want a guy who's like, you are so funny.
Like, that's not going to turn me on some guy. I want a guy to be like, this is what I get. This is... I'll tell you what I get.
I got a guy last week... Because I talk a lot about sex on stage. I got a lot. So, guys will assume that I'm just, like, some filthy...
Exactly. Have you seen my act? You know, this jacket... I bought this off of eBay, and they said in the advertisement that the person who had this was a rapist.
This jacket has been implicated in a rapist. Yeah. That's awesome. It probably actually helped the rapist, because the girl trusted the guy who's writing this jacket.
It probably aided. This jacket should be locked up. Yeah, it should. Man, it said, I'm locking myself in it.
Wait, that is not a real thing that they put into eBay. I'm not joking. Somebody said it. Somebody had been...
It's not even saying implicated. It's a little more professional. They were like, this jacket witnessed a rapist. This jacket was involved by a rapist.
A serial rapist. It was $60. Why does that make it more... Like, that makes it more valuable.
Even to me, I'm like, this is a rapist. I know. What I'm talking about, dude. It's a boner maker right here.
It's a question that it's women. Why is that attractive to us? What was I talking about? Whatever.
I don't know if I'm on the road. I don't. Because guys don't approach me. I think they're more intimidating.
This is what I got. This is what I got. I had a guy come up to me after a show, and he... I was eating my dinner.
Like, scarfing my dinner. I got off stage. I get your free dinner. The Columbus funny mode.
So I'm just, like, shoving salmon in my face. And people from the show come out to go to the bathroom and stuff, you know, and they walk across. And they'd be like, oh, you were just on stage. This guy goes to me and, like, puts his arm around my waist.
I'm not a Santa. I was like, what the fuck? And then he's like, you're so funny. And I was like, I'll let it slide.
So he touches me. And he's like, you're so funny. And, like, it's grovey. And I was like, thank you.
Thank you. So you're out at this point? You're like, no? Or you're like, yes?
No, no, I'm like, thanks. I'm just trying to be nice. And he goes to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door right before he walks into the bathroom.
He reaches up. He's walking in. He goes, you're a fucking slut. And then he, you're a fucking slut.
To who? You? To me. Across the ball.
I don't know if you're talking to salmon. Yeah. Salmon are the slutiest of fish. Dude, what kind of fucking horse fish swim upstream?
With their eggs? With all their omega-3 fatty acids. Bitch, get real. Yeah, I get that.
I get, like, the last minute, like, guys are just like, I want to say you're a slut right before I get to be safe in my sanctuary. But now, what do you think is you, like, extinguish them? Because I'm talking about having a lot of sex on stage. So, no, no, no, it wasn't that.
It's just, like, guys want to, guys want to reinforce that, like, they want to be in on the joke with me, even though I'm a freak on the stage with a lady off stage. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Me too.
Yeah, you're a freak on the stage and you're a lady off stage. I am just a real, I'm a little bit of a bitch off stage. Are you? Yeah.
But, no, so, so, then. You're wearing a rapist jean jacket. Dude, it is good in here. I can't believe that that is a fucking, if that wouldn't have been a rapist jacket, you might have gotten that for 35 bucks.
Dude, my penis is so hard. I can barely, my legs are hard. I can barely bend my knees right now. That's how, what power this jacket gives you.
Oh, yeah. So, ready, your RTR. Ready to rate. Yeah, ready to rate, man.
Yeah. Your DTR. I'm going to just rate this table. Make a little table if this table doesn't even want to know the father is.
I don't want to insult you, I want to rate the table when I'm right here. Make a little step stool if this table doesn't even know who the father is. I'm right here. Sorry.
Okay. You want to rate it? It could be a threesome. Oh, yeah.
You mean the table? That'd be awesome. We just high-five when we're fucking the table, like, we're doing the Wokley H, or whatever they call it. Oh, the Eiffel Tower, they call it.
Yes, yes, yes. But Eiffel Tower really had to, like, lean into the other guy, and that seems really tacky I think that you would make out that stuff. I know. That's no good.
No. I've gotten asked to be enough reason by two guys that, like, approached me, like, hey, we really talked about this. It really talked about it. But the thing is, they were so slightly gay that I felt like I was just, like, a go-between today.
They could see each other naked. Like, there's a girl here, though. I'm like, what am I? I was a referee.
I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Well, the last thing I need is two guys not calling me the next day. That's my joke about it.
That would hurt. Now, your friends, we have a mutual friend, Amy Schumer, who's a friend of both of ours. Yeah, she's one of my best friends. Yeah, she always says the nicest things about you.
Yeah, yeah. Every time I talk to her, she always brings you up. Same with you. That's nice.
Would you hook up with Amy if you were a lesbian? I don't need to be a lesbian, so I'm going to hook up with Amy. I think she's, yeah, she's very cute. But I'm not, yeah, yeah, Amy is hot.
Amy is, yeah. I've never hooked up with Amy. I've never hooked up with Amy. You've never.
No. No, no. Yeah, I know that. Okay.
All right, we apparently ran into what I'm going to call some sound issues. Sound issues. Let's go back to sound issues, everyone. We're just having issues with sound issues.
Which happens to be the name of your podcast. Is that true? Almost. So close.
I do have a podcast. It's called You Had to Be There. Oh, dang. That was almost it.
That was so close. Some of the letters are the same. The O and the U are in both of them. Yes, they are.
Yeah, I have a podcast, an audio podcast, where we interview my co-host and I, Sarah Schaefer. You see it with your mind. Yeah, you listen and you picture it. It's like the old days family, like Fireside Chat.
Yeah. Who used to do that with a president? Oh, Abraham Lincoln. No, I don't think it was him.
Oh, okay, sorry. It was definitely one of the depression era. Abraham Lincoln's my favorite. Radio didn't exist when Abraham Lincoln was around.
That's a good point. Well, you know who I went to Abraham Lincoln's house with? Amy Schumer and I. And on a tour of Abraham Lincoln's house.
Speaking of, it cut out before we were talking about Amy Schumer. One of my best friends. One of his good friends. Yes, we're talking about him.
We're going to a pro tour about a three-step. It's in coercion. It's in coercion. It's in coercion?
Yes. Okay, the connotation of coercion is, I think this jacket is rubbing off. I know. I just pulled that word out of this pocket.
Dude, it's a rapist coat. It must have been a short-arm rapist. It's really just a real vagina jockey. What's coming out of this line?
You know you want it. Oh, weird. Yeah. Come on.
It's like a misfortune cookie in here. A bunch of rapey terms. A rapist fortune cookie. Oh, your Powerball number is 69.
Blah, blah, blah. Vagina rape. Okay, and we are back. But no, Amy Schumer and I went to President Abraham Lincoln's house.
We were on a tour. And the tour guide, our number said, that Abraham Lincoln would take a lot of notes about things when he was working on his speeches. And Amy raises her hand and goes, do you think he hid a lot of his notes in his hat? Like, that's what she asked.
That's fun. And it was so awkward. And I bet she'd definitely very sincerely, like, did he have a lot of notes in his hat? That's exactly how she did.
Like, waiting for her response to him, knowing this is on this question. Just knowing that he's like, man, we don't know. She's like, what did he keep in his hat? Well, like, did he have secrets?
Amy Schumer, check her out. Amy Schumer. But this isn't about Amy. This isn't about her.
God, everything in my life just fucking goes to her. But if it is, if it is about her, let's talk about, I have a video with Amy Schumer on Funny or Die right now. I know this is going to air a little bit later. That's okay, but it was just tweeted this week.
No, no, no, not the right video. Let me just plug this video quick. Amy Schumer 9, it was Amy's video. I was a part of it.
It's like a day in the life of female stand-up. It's like Funny or Die. It's really funny. We shot it here at the improv.
Actually, here I shot it. Yeah, it's here. It happened here. It smells like you guys are here.
That's just my natural sense. It's not like production. Oh, really? Yeah, it's not like production life.
But I did have another video this week that went viral. Viral video, they call it viral. Like HPV that's running through my system. The highly played video, that's what that means.
Yes, it was a PSA, public service announcement to Justin Timberlake to make music again. And it was retweeted by Justin Timberlake. Yeah, he picked it up with him. He posted it on, I forget what to say, but he tweeted it within nine hours of us posting it, and then he put it on Facebook, so it went pretty crazy pretty soon.
And if you just YouTube Justin Timberlake, it comes up right away. But it's just Justin Timberlake to make music again. It's the black of my video of us being like, please, Justin, I can't masturbate to Justin Bieber. You need to put out songs again.
Because he hasn't been on an album for five years, so we're trying to get him to put his name. I agree, dude. It is time. It is time.
He was so good when he was doing his video. Oh, it was the best. Future Sex Love Sounds, that album came out five years ago. It's been too long.
And I still think about that when I drive around. So let's go to that right now. Let's go to your video of Justin Timberlake. Oh, yeah, you don't even need to go away.
Right, you don't need to Google it because it's right here. Don't do it. Let's keep going. Get the views up.
Check it out right now. 2006. It wasn't so long ago. But things were so different.
George W. Bush was president. Pluto was still a planet. The national mortgage rate was at 6%.
I pretended to know what that meant. But most importantly, in case you forgot, Justin Timberlake released Future Sex Love Sounds. And that was the last time Justin Timberlake released an album. Five years.
Five years. Every day. Without a new Justin Timberlake album feels like an eternity. Feels pointless.
Hopeless. Unsexy. I have no way of telling the girl who cheated on me how I feel. I can't dance up in the club.
Because I can't even say duck club. I have to say thuck club. Because I'm white. How am I supposed to feel tingly?
Am I down there? I haven't had an orgasm in three years. I don't know how to pleasure myself to Bruno Mars. I've never had an orgasm.
Children are dying. Probably. And who do we blame? Justin?
Diaz? Mila Cuntis? Was it Neil? My mother?
That whore. Justin Bieber is too young for me to jerk off to. Speak for yourself. Justin, it feels like you're cheating on us with acting.
Lisa hasn't spoken in five months. Remember that time you showed the world Janet Jackson's titty? That was awesome. Do that again.
She thought she was hearing a new Justin Timberlake single. But in fact it was a tainted sample. Sure. You performed a few new songs in your barbecue joint.
I don't give a fuck. Someone had made a Hungarian techno remix of Sexy Back. And she wasn't able to turn it off in time. She did the whole song.
Michael Jordan thought it was a good idea to play baseball. Remember how that turned out? Real shitty. The effects on the brain have been catastrophic.
Look Justin. We get it. You're funny. You're charming.
But. But. But. But.
The sexy is no longer back. The sexy is gone. You brought sexy front. And what goes around comes all the way back around.
Because that's how science works. And if you wait too long my friend you can never bring sexy back back. I was about to have a threesome. Like I had gotten both of them in the room.
And I thought just get a little music on and I put my love on and they both started crying. Where the sexy where the fuck is the sexy fuck? And that's your fault Justin. Hell I'll cheat on you.
We'll take one minute and I'll cheat the hell out of you. I did all the groundwork and you fucked me. Why? It's like permanent PMS.
She's always going to be this way. I was going to have a threesome. So Justin please. Please.
Please. Please. Do what you were born to do. Do what you were forced to do at a young age.
You can do this. Just do it before you get old. Sing Justin. Sing.
Please Justin Timberlake. Make music again. Ladies and gentlemen. If you have a man.
If not you're just a lonely lady. Welcome back. And we are in a segment now called Off the Radar. That's something you don't know nothing about.
You little sweet thing. It's the radar. I'm not on it. I know.
You're on the radar. Oh well I can't. You can't see this person you're about to tell us about. We're getting ready to go off it.
Yeah we're getting ready to go off it. We're just hitchhiking. So we need to tell us about a comedian that we don't know about yet. Oh I got one for you.
Who is it? Okay this is not coming from a place of. Okay I'm just going to say it. My podcast co-host her name is Sarah Schaefer.
S-A-R-A. S-A-R-A. S-A-R-A. S-A-R-A.
S-A-H-A-E. E-F S-A-R. E-R. Sarah Schaefer.
Look for her. She's my podcast co-host and I met her to do my podcast. We became friends. I never even saw her stand up before I started a podcast with her.
I wouldn't saw her stand up if she's like my favorite stand up going now. Is she cute? She's cute. She talks honestly about her life.
I mean she's a huge influence on me and she's going to be huge and no one knows her stand up yet. It's not out there. So if you get on this bandwagon you'll be like one of those people that used to say like I like dating before you went. Oh yeah.
You think she's dating a guy like me if I like her stuff? She has a boyfriend but I wouldn't put it faster. She's awesome. So I'm talking about getting in to Sarah Schaefer.
Sarah Schaefer. Sarah Schaefer. We're going to check out a clip of hers right now. This is Off the Radar Community that you don't know about but that Nikki Glaser just introduced you to.
When I was in 83 we had this awards assembly and the entire student body was filling the auditorium except for the front row which was inexplicably occupied by my family. Nobody else's family was there but my family was there. To make that worse I was winning every fucking award because the family turned itself. But I was a huge fucking dork.
And I literally was winning like every possible academic honor you could have at this school. Now most people would just ignore the family which would be bad enough to ignore your mom. That's what I mean. But I made it abundantly clear that it was my family.
Abundantly clear. I was ripping awards out of my teacher's hands and now they were like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was For the Classical Association of Virginia Latin, a friend of an honorable mention, Susan Long is thankful to Sarah Schaefer. Sarah Schaefer. Sarah Schaefer.
Sarah Schaefer. Sarah Schaefer. That's my last presentation today. Sarah Schaefer.
Sarah Schaefer. For those of you not personally reading, I'm saying, I'm going to kill you. Wow, so I would agree that Sarah is good looking. She's kind of like, she's got a little bit of a...
You don't know that's not at all, my guys. But that's all. She's a vixen. Yeah.
I love her. I want to get up in her vagine. That's what she calls her. Oh, sorry.
I thought we were going to change it to something less. Oh, no. Sorry, man. I just came from crass pants.
I'm sorry, Sarah. Yeah. I'm sorry, too, actually. You seem like a really sweet girl.
I like how you grew up fingers. Like, two fingering fingers. No, I did not. Sorry, Sarah.
I want to get up on that. Well, Sarah, you have a long life, so do I. No. Not you.
Okay, I'm going to die, too. I'm going to murder her. Whoa, whoa. This isn't a murderer's coat.
Is this a murderer's shirt you're wearing? Well, let's just look and pull out another one. Just finish your drink and we'll talk. Oh.
That's what I'm talking about. Good thing I brought a van. Oh, the old rapey fortune cookie. Okay, that is Sarah.
Just drink off. Okay, okay. Oh, I wasn't telling you that. That's what the rapist said.
Oh, sorry. So that was Sarah Schaefer. And now we're going to ask you, Nikki. Like, a comedic influence you have.
As a girl, I wonder, are they different than guys' influences? I actually like Midwestern, my favorite. Richard Pryor, my favorite comedian. Yes.
And actually, Maria Bamford, my other favorite comedian. Love Maria. Yeah. I will say that she, I'm not as, I don't do what Maria does.
Maria actually does something that I'm not capable of doing. I watch her and I'm just like, I can't do that. So it's not as much of an influence as it is. It's just like, she makes me walk rough.
In all, yeah. Influence, Sarah Silverman, right off the scene. I'll say, I saw her and I was like, oh, that's something that I want to do because she makes it look like you can do it. And, I mean, for the first time I saw Sarah Silverman, I was like that.
She's so composed. She's so composed. She's amazing. One of the best writers in the business.
Agreed. I just love her. I can't say that's nice about her. That being said, I will also say that she's influenced Wendy Leibman.
Do you know Wendy Leibman? I do know Wendy Leibman. Not well, but I know her. Yeah.
I mean, she was who I first was introduced to as a child. And she kind of knows the joke. She started the whole genre of jokes where you say a line and then you have one thing to end and it seems the whole thing to end. Right.
Which I'm adopted by acting. I totally attribute it to her. I mean, she started that. So, Wendy Leibman is, I love her.
She's a cat meow. Man, if you're young and you don't know who Wendy Leibman is, Google her right now and get into it. Oh, watch this. Don't Google it.
You know who Sarah Silverman is. Yes. We are booming right now. This is going to keep you warm at night, little guys.
This is so great. This is my lucky day. You know why? Because I'm doing my first HBO special and you're here.
And today I found 20 bucks. Woo! Isn't that fun when you find money? Yeah?
It was just sitting there in my bra. In quarters. And I immediately checked the other cup. Flat broke.
But right before this, I was in Alaska. Yeah, I was there for two days and six nights. And it was so cold there, you guys. I saw a dog wearing a cat.
And I didn't know what to do in Alaska. You know, I saw the pipeline. I ate some Eskimo pies. And I did...
Oh, that could have been a dirty joke. And I did... I went to the mall, you know, because I love to shoplift. I love that.
And I thought I was somebody else there. I thought I was Rikki Lake. I guess I looked like her a little bit. I mean, that might happen to you.