23: Do opposites attract?

Social psychology has been telling couples for decades that "similar people attract" and long-term love depends on shared values and secure attachment. Dr. Lisle says that framing misses what's actually happening. People are not drawn to similar people, and they are not drawn to opposites. They are drawn to value, and they wind up with whoever they can actually afford on the evolutionary market. In this episode, Dr. Lisle takes on three big questions in sequence: why narcissistic and borderline personality traits exist as genetic outliers on the Big Five rather than as "types," why a 96th percentile borderline looks so different from an 80th percentile disagreeable partner, and why the "opposites attract" debate is the wrong question entirely. He also debates emotionally focused therapy with marriage and family therapist Jack Gershfeld, pushing back on the idea that distressed couples are always fighting for connection. Sometimes, Dr. Lisle argues, they are renegotiating the deal and signaling defection, and good therapy has to be honest about that. Key question covered: Why are people attracted to certain partners and not others, and what does evolutionary psychology say about whether opposites actually attract? Beat Your Genes is co-hosted by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Doug Lisle, PhD and Dr. Nathan Gershfeld, DC. New episodes every other week. YouTube: youtube.com/@BeatYourGenes beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle: esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld: fastingescape.com X: @BeatYourGenes Intro and outro: City of Happy Ones. Ferenc Hegedus. Licensed for use. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast