242: The secret to having feedback conversations your family will actually hear

Have you ever shared an observation with your partner or child, only to watch them immediately become defensive or shut down? You meant well, but somehow your words landed as criticism instead of the helpful insight you intended.   In this episode, we explore The Feedback Process framework with Joellen Killion, examining how we can transform our family communications. When we participate in the feedback process effectively, we create conversations that family members can actually hear—conversations that lead to lasting positive change rather than defensiveness and resistance.    Questions this episode will answer Why do our attempts to share observations with family members often lead to defensiveness?What's the difference between criticism and participating in the feedback process?How can we frame our observations so they're received as helpful rather than hurtful?What specific language patterns help family members stay open to what we're sharing?How can we create feedback conversations that strengthen relationships instead of damaging them?How does shifting from "waiting to respond" to "truly listening" transform the entire feedback dynamic?How can we teach children to participate in the feedback process constructively?    What you'll learn in this episode The key components of The Feedback Process framework and how they transform family communicationsPractical techniques to share observations without triggering defensiveness in your partner or childrenSpecific language patterns that help feedback recipients stay open to what you're sharingHow to recognize when feedback isn't being received and what to do about itThe crucial difference between criticism and constructive feedbackWays to create a family culture where feedback strengthens relationships rather than damaging themHow participating in the feedback process builds emotional intelligence in childrenPractical examples of transforming common family conflicts through effective feedback conversations   This episode provides practical tools to break cycles of criticism and defensiveness, creating space for authentic communication that leads to positive change in your family relationships.   Joellen Killion's book The Feedback Process (Affiliate link)   Other episodes mentioned 212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting   Jump to highlights 00:57 Introduction of today’s guest. 04:17 Key distinction between the traditional feedback that we usually practice and the feedback process. 09:50 When we encourage our partners, children, and siblings to express their views and desires, we acknowledge that we don't have authority over them. True connection comes from understanding what others want, sharing our perspective, and finding mutual agreement. 14:55 When parents define success differently, navigate this by exploring each other's underlying values without judgment, sharing your perspective, finding common ground, and experimenting with compromises that honor both viewpoints while meeting your child's needs. 20:52 Create space for productive dialogue by focusing on the agreement versus the action, and inviting reflection rather than demanding explanations, you maintain connection while addressing inconsistency. This helps parents recommit to thoughtfully revising agreements when needed. 27:48 The feedback typology and how we know what type of feedback to use in any given situation. 32:48 Examples of what the feedback process looks like in the regulate middle stage, and the metacognitive reflect stage. 35:19 What does reflecting and metacognition look like with a child and with a parenting partner? 38:56 The stages of the feedback process. 40:11 Situations given by Joellen in which we can determine if it is construction knowledge or deconstruction knowledge. 49:26 Success comes from finding the middle ground that allows for consistent parenting. We can examine specific situations where we approached our child's emotions differently, analyzing how each of us felt, how our child reacted, and the ultimate outcomes. From this analysis, we can construct an ideal approach that incorporates both perspectives. 55:55 The first question in the feedback process is what do you want to learn about the topic, because it shows a small indication of motivation, openness, and willingness to learn 57:46 The difference between giving and receiving feedback and engaging in the feedback process or a learning process. 59:10 Wrapping up the discussion.   References Bing-You, R. G., & Trowbridge, R. L. (2009). Why medical educators may be failing at feedback. Jama, 302(12), 1330-1331. Black, P., & Wiliam, D. (1998). Assessment and classroom learning. Assessment in Education: principles, policy & practice, 5(1), 7-74. Bok, H. G., Teunissen, P. W., Spruijt, A., Fokkema, J. P., van Beukelen, P., Jaarsma, D. A., & van der Vleuten, C. P. (2013). Clarifying students’ feedback‐seeking behaviour in clinical clerkships. Medical education, 47(3), 282-291. Butler, D. L., & Winne, P. H. (1995). Feedback and self-regulated learning: A theoretical synthesis. Review of educational research, 65(3), 245-281. Hattie, J., & Timperley, H. (2007). The power of feedback. Review of educational research, 77(1), 81-112. Kluger, A. N., & DeNisi, A. (1996). The effects of feedback interventions on performance: a historical review, a meta-analysis, and a preliminary feedback intervention theory. Psychological bulletin, 119(2), 254.