25: Divorce and Sports with Brian Brunkow

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 25 Divorce and Sports Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here's a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce  In This Episode:   Brian Brunkow is a San Diego-based lawyer, Glazier Head Coach Academy speaker, and the author of Zero Offseason – a guidebook on divorce & sports parenting.   With a background in family law and coaching youth football, Brian's focus is helping coaches and parents collaborate on the "ABC's of Divorce & Effective Sports Parenting."   When time and money is so commonly used as a weapon in divorce situations, the "ABC's" : Aligning Goals, Following the Best Interests Standard & Controlling Controllables.  They help encourage the adults to stay focused on helping kids develop life skills thru positive youth sports lessons. Brian has a substantial background in coaching.   It's important to keep the kids on the field and involved in sports to give them the life skills that can come through sports.  Sports can reduce the high school dropout rate with adolescents. When parents are passive aggressive with time and money, the child is the one that misses out and is ultimately hurt. Brian tells us about the Baldwin vs. Basinger story, how high conflict divorce can result in the child missing out on valuable time over custody battles. He shares some statistics about divorce.   He also shares insight of how divorce can impact kids.  T here are some program success studies that illustrate the importance of working together as parents for the children's sake.  Brian is the author of a book, "Zero Offseason". Good behavior will not change the behavior of the other parent.  But, it will give you a piece of mind. He tells us about the "ABC's" : Aligning Goals, Following the Best Interests Standard & Controlling Controllables He talks to us about aligning goals.  He tells us a story of divorced soccer parents and how their situation affected the child. Simple rules, but complex..."The kids gotta play, let the coaches coach, and the parents need to support." Being the support system as a parent is so important. Sports help kids with socialization skills, as well as conflict management skills that will help keep them out of trouble in life.  Youth sports teach kids discipline, mental toughness and grit. Communication between parents is very important.  Using stories is a great way help parents work things out, so that the child doesn't lose years of opportunity for sports growth. He talks to us about "Bleacher" Parents and references Jennifer Capriati and her experience through the divorce in her family.  As a tennis player, she was an incredible athlete and top performer in the world.  By the time she was 17 though, she retired from tennis.  She didn't have the support system at home.  Some parents equate their ability as a parent with the child's performance in the sport. The parents need to be smart about how they approach the calendar.  A throughout calendar can prevent some conflicts from occurring.   " Best Interests" standard is all about the child, not the parents or the coaches. Brian recommends having a Co-Parenting Mission Statement to have on the refrigerator at both homes. You can get a copy of it at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/divorceandsports   The child may think, "Mom and Dad don't get along, but they both have my back." Impact – Safety is considered a "non-negotiable.  Parents must communicate.  For example, parents need to work together and communicate if their child gets a concussion.  This is HUGELY important. It's important for parents to remember that they can't control bad behavior of the other parent, so it is best to focus energy on what you can control. Process-based goals keep things focused on the child. On field & off field, parents need to support their child. Brian recommends playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" game with little kids as a way to teach them how to control the controllables.  This is where you want your energy to be because this is where you can have an impact.  It helps teach kids the importance of teaching them to focus on what's in front of them.  Brian is working on a program, a legal workshop for employees "aligning goals", "best interests", and "controlling the controllables".