27: Avoiding the Four Horsemen in Marriage Communication

Welcome back to another episode of the Love How Deep podcast.  We hope as you continue to listen that your marriage is strengthened and that you continue to use God's Word as the foundation for your marriage. 

Just as the Four Horsemen are known as a sign of the end of the world and the second coming of Jesus (as discussed in the Bible in the book of Revelation Chapter 6), they are also known for the end of a marriage relationship when they enter the scene. No, we are not talking about actual horses, here but rather four pieces of unhealthy communication.

Let me explain. So, Brian is trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy which was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. John Gottman is called the Einstein of Love as he has gotten things down to a science of sorts when it comes to what works and what doesn't work in a marriage relationship. In their decades of research in understand couples and their relationship they discovered 4 ways of communicating that when present with high frequency and/or high severity can be a significant predictor of relationship demise or divorce.

In fact over the years, his team began to be able to predict with about 94% certainty whether or not the couple would divorce based on the Four Horsemen. In his research in what the media refers to as the "Love Lab" (Gottman referred to it as the Apartment Lab), he and his team would invite couples in to spend the day. During this time the team would monitor conversations between husband and wife. They would then pour back over the recordings and started to notice many ways in which healthy couples discussed events and the ways in which unhealthy couples discussed events. The unhealthy couples would more frequently devolve into the Four Horsemen while healthy couples could stay away from them.

Let's take the rest of our time to talk about each of the 4 Horsemen. The goal is not to completely eliminate them (although I will make the case that one should indeed be eliminated). The goal in general with most of them is to become aware of them and then significantly reduce them when they do cause an issue.

Let's start.

Criticism – The First Horsemen in Marriage Communication Criticism, emerges when partners attack each other's character rather than addressing specific behaviors. This negative communication style can create a hostile environment, eroding trust and emotional connection within a marriage.

Solution:  The antidote to Criticism involves expressing concerns using "I" statements, which focus on specific behaviors or actions rather than making sweeping accusations. By framing complaints in this way, couples can foster understanding and maintain open communication, contributing to a healthier and more constructive relationship.

Defensiveness: The Second Horsemen in Marriage Communication. Defensiveness, occurs when one partner responds to criticism with counterattacks or plays the victim. This defensive posture can escalate conflicts and hinder effective communication.

Solution:  To counter Defensiveness, couples are encouraged to take responsibility for their contributions to the issue at hand and show empathy towards their partner's perspective. By adopting a more proactive and understanding stance, couples can break free from the cycle of defensiveness and create a space for collaborative problem-solving, strengthening the foundation of their marriage.

Stonewalling: The Third Horsemen in Marriage Communication.  Stonewalling, manifests when a partner emotionally withdraws from a conversation, shutting down communication. This behavior can leave the other partner feeling unheard and disconnected.

Solution:  The antidote to Stonewalling involves practicing self-soothing techniques and taking breaks when necessary but committing to returning to the conversation later. By implementing these communication strategies, couples can navigate challenging discussions more effectively, rebuilding bridges and maintaining a sense of emotional connection in their marriage.

Contempt: The Fourth Horsemen in Marriage Communication Contempt, the most toxic of the Four Horsemen, surfaces when one partner adopts a superior attitude, often expressing disdain through sarcasm, mockery, or hostile humor. Minimizing contemptuous behaviors is crucial, as they can severely damage the marital bond.

Solution:  While complete elimination may be challenging, couples can work towards reducing contempt by building a culture of appreciation and respect in their relationship. This involves acknowledging each other's strengths, expressing gratitude, and fostering an atmosphere of mutual admiration, ultimately contributing to a more positive and enduring marriage.

Biblical Wisdom Conclusion:

Guiding You Toward Lasting Love with Biblical Wisdom As you navigate the challenges posed by the Four Horsemen in your marriage communication, consider anchoring your journey in biblical wisdom for a stronger and enduring relationship.

When faced with Criticism, turn to Ephesians 4:29 (Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.), reminding yourself of the power of edifying communication.

Confront Defensiveness with the gentle guidance found in Proverbs 15:1 (A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger) encouraging you to respond with words that diffuse conflicts.

In moments of Stonewalling, recall the advice from Matthew 18:15 ("If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over), emphasizing the importance of open dialogue for conflict resolution.

Tackle Contempt by reflecting on Philippians 2:3-4 (Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others, embracing humility and mutual respect).

As you embark on addressing these challenges, draw inspiration and guidance from the timeless wisdom of the Bible. By incorporating these biblical principles into your communication, you can not only avoid the apocalyptic signs in your marriage but also build a love that aligns with the enduring teachings of Jesus Christ. Your commitment to nurturing a relationship grounded in faith can be the cornerstone of a love that withstands the tests of time.

Don't forget a couple of resources to help you combat the 4 Horsemen for a more connected marriage. 

FREE "Date Night Ideas"

There are several creative and easy Date ideas for you as a married couple to engage in.  We give some brief instruction on how best to enjoy each idea.  Spending Quality Time together will give you a much better chance to strengthen your connection and you will create a memory you won't forget together.  Go to www.lovehowdeep.com/datenight to see several free options. 

FREE 10 Practical Communication Strategies

This guide will help you as a couple have more effective and connecting conversations. 

 Closing

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