Love and Abuse
by Paul Colaianni: Relationship and Emotional Abuse Expert
Helping you identify toxic communication, emotional abuse, manipulation, and other forms of difficult behavior in relationships. Love and Abuse offers the perspective of both the victim and the perpetrator. Full of tips and advice for your friendships, family, love life, and marriage.You'll learn about covert abusive communication that takes away your power. And you'll discover how to pinpoint the specific toxic behaviors, such as narcissistic abuse and verbal abuse, before you are dragged into a psychological game so deep you come out a shell of your former self.Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook, an assessment and healing guide to help you evaluate the emotionally abusive and manipulative patterns in your relationship. Get the guide that will tell you exactly what's happening in your relationship over at loveandabuse.com.https://loveandabuse.com/
Episodes
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Follow-up - You learned you're being emotionally abused. Now what?
This is a follow-up episode for 191: "You learned you're being emotionally abused. Now what?" Take time to reflect on 10 self-assessment questions based on the key themes from that episode. Pause between each question and be honest with yourself as you consider how these patterns show up in your...
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You learned you're being emotionally abused... now what?
Should you come right out and say, "Hey, you're abusing me, and you need to stop"? Hmm, that might work for a very small percentage of people. But what if it's been going on for years? What if it has become normal in the relationship? Is there a way to approach an abusive person without things...
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Follow-up - When anger is used to keep you compliant
This is a follow-up episode for episode 190 - When anger is used to keep you compliant. Take time to reflect on 10 self-assessment questions based on the key themes from that episode. Pause between each question and be honest with yourself as you consider how these patterns show up in your life…
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When anger is used to keep you compliant
Anger in an emotionally abusive relationship raises the emotional and physical stakes. The risks are higher, and often, so is the submission and compliance.
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When they lie and lie and lie
Is one lie too many? Is honesty important in your relationship? Is it so important that if they lied once, you could forgive. If they lied twice, perhaps you could get past it. But what if they simply don't stop lying? What's after that?
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The early warning signs and red flags that make up an emotionally abusive relationship
Are there early warning signs that signal the strong possibility of a relationship becoming abusive? Yes. Absolutely. And you should know them. There are many, unfortunately. Knowledge is power - and this episode is all about your power.
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When there's zero reprieve and it's always bad
Every single thing you do is not only not good enough, but on top of that, you're insulted, belittled, put down, and shamed in front of others. There is absolutely no reprieve from some people. It's like they don't even like you, let alone love you.
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In the never-ending rut of hoping they change
When you're exposed to toxic behavior day after day, you get stuck in a rut with walls so high that you feel like you can never get out. Sometimes a slight shift in mindset allows you to find the first stepping stone toward the top. It may take a while, but there is a path out of the in-the-rut...
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Can you get past more aggressive or physical abuse?
Physical abuse is the totality of all abuse in one package. It's violent and extremely damaging. And the victim of such aggressive behavior can literally be scarred for life. I hope you never experience anything like it. But if you have, this episode may be helpful to you.
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Someone's obsession of you can be disastrous
It can feel amazing when someone focuses entirely on you, supporting you, helping you achieve whatever makes you happy... until it turns into a nightmare.
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Isolating you from everything and everyone, leaving you a shell of your former self
Isolation is one of the more destructive forms of emotional abuse, yet many people don't realize it's happening. They simply notice they no longer feel happy or fulfilled. Understanding how isolation works gives you the foundation to make decisions from a place of empowered knowledge instead of...
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They call me names, put me down, tell me how pathetic I am - I guess I'm the problem.mp3
Are you the problem if nothing you do is ever right or good enough? Could they possibly be right about everything they're saying? If you believe this, please listen to this episode. It might just save you a lot of doubt and confusion.
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It's me or them: When someone wants to control your relationship with others
When someone wants to control who you see by giving you an ultimatum between them and "me", you might have a hard choice to make. Or, maybe it's an easy choice, but it might be hard to get there from here.
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Being called a bad parent if you want to leave the abusive relationship
You realize the relationship isn't going to work out and want to leave, but you're worried about being called a bad parent. Not only that, you are guaranteed to be called a bad parent by an abusive partner. Are you stuck in this relationship forever?
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I don't want to hurt the person who hurts me by leaving them
Your heart is big. And your kindness and compassion, though amazing qualities, can also keep you in situations that are unhealthy for you. When you're afraid you're going to hurt someone by leaving them, there's a bigger picture to keep in mind.
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The feeling that you lost a big chunk of your life to the abusive person
It's hard enough to be in a difficult relationship, but when your boundaries are shot, your adrenals are through the roof, and lots of years have passed, you might be wondering if this entire relationship was a giant waste of time, thinking about all the things you could have or should have done...
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Leaving an abusive person isn't easy and sometimes isn't over
It can be hard to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. The challenge is real! But what about leaving one? It might be just as hard or harder because of the unknown of what happens next.
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The trauma bond keeps you lovesick and broken
A trauma bond is like being addicted to both the highs and lows, just waiting for your next fix. It's not impossible to break a trauma bond, but it can be hard as hell.
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Can you still like someone who hurt you but not love them?
Can the victim of emotional abuse accept the former abuser as a friend after a lot of time has passed? I received this question from someone who used to be emotionally abusive, feels awful about it, but has been out of that relationship for years. Then she met up with her ex again, and things are...
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Are your children being manipulated, too?
You're watching your child mirror a narcissistic parent and it feels like you're losing ground. Arguing with the lies they're being told feels pointless, but asking the right questions might just be what helps you keep your connection to your children, helping them choose empathy over manipulation.
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If you don't draw the line on how much is too much, you won't have a line
How much mistreatment is too much? When your boundaries are violated over and over again, there will be a point where you have none and the sky will be the limit on someone else's hurtful and controlling behaviors.
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How does an abusive person become an abusive person?
There's got to be a reason someone becomes abusive, right? All abusers abused as children... is that it? Maybe it's a mental health issue. Maybe it's none, some, or all of the above. Or maybe it's something else.
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Getting conned into taking an unhealed abuser back
They've changed! They've really seemed to change. They seem like a new person so you take them back. Then you find out they were just playing the long game. Emotionally abusive people can heal if they want to. Those who don't may just come back to fool you again.
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Do mutually abusive relationships have a chance?
Sometimes both people in the relationship are hurtful, controlling and manipulative. When that's the case, it's going to take more than one person stopping the behaviors, and that presents a few challenges in itself.
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The superiority complex of misogynists
A unique episode about the superiority complex that drives mysogny in abusive relationships, why abusive people target those they perceive as weaker, and how their insecurity fuels the need to control and dominate.
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When you won't see an emotionally abusive person change
You can't fix what's unwilling to be fixed. And when someone would rather you and the relationship suffer and crumble than work on improving themselves, you might have only one choice left.
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Did you sign up for a life of indentured servitude?
If you feel trapped in a maze of emotional manipulation, hoping for a change that never comes, you might realize you've signed up for something you didn't expect and certainly don't want. There's a history lesson in this episode that may give you all you need to know for what the future holds for...
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They say they love you but they hurt you anyway
Some people seem to care but then do awful things. When they do, it's hard not to question if they love you at all.
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I feel like a bad person for being abusive back
Sometimes emotionally abusive people heal and change. Sometimes they just... change. Either way, when the victim of their behavior gets a "break", they might discover a lot of buried emotions that are just itching to come out.
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The healed emotional abuser is more than just a behavioral change
I've seen emotionally abusive people heal and become completely different people. You wouldn't even recognize them! And when you no longer recognize the person who's hurt you over and over again, that might be a very good thing.
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Do we talk about divorce during the argument or the calm period
When you've decided to leave the emotionally abusive relationship, when is the best time to bring it up? During the storm or the calm?
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Do I accept that this is how theyll be forever
Some behaviors are unacceptable. Some people are unacceptable. Just what should you accept and what should you do when you can't? Emotional abuse has a tendency to make you feel completely powerless, unable to make such decisions.
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When its impossible to get away from all the toxic behavior
Some relationships end but continue leaving destruction in their wake. Some don't end and you suffer through the daily drip-feeding of emotionally abusive behaviors until you lose your sanity. When there's no way away from all the toxicity, what can you do?
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Dont call them what they really are, it will work against you
Calling a duck a duck makes sense. But this logic works against you in the emotionally abusive relationship. Calling out an abusive person for who they are might just turn the whole thing around on you.
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Total defeat and burnout in the emotionally abusive relationship
Every relationship should have stopping points when you feel yourself slipping away. Emotional abuse operates as a slow drip-feeding of toxic behaviors that gradually erode boundaries.
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When you are a captive audience to the emotionally abusive monologuer
The endless monologue of some emotionally abusive people is a tactic that keeps you silent and submissive. It's designed to wear you down until you finally give in.
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Ive stopped being abusive, let's have sex
Some emotionally abusive people do heal. And once they do, they might feel the relationship will be great from that point on. What they don't consider is that the victim of their abusive behavior is only starting their healing process.
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Don't gaslight yourself into thinking you're the abuser
The emotionally abusive relationship is confusing and draining. If you don't get a grip on what's going on, you may start to believe perhaps you are the problem and they are a saint. Let's fix that faulty thinking.
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The feelings of guilt and shame after leaving the abusive person
If you've ever questioned how to forgive yourself for choosing your own well-being over an abusive partner, you're not alone. If you're feeling guilt or shame for leaving an abusive person, this is an important episode to listen to.
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Breaking the trauma bond can be hard as hell
If you find yourself obsessively attached to someone who hurts you, is it a sign of a trauma bond? I'll tackle this challenging subject, shedding light on why you might stay in a relationship despite enduring hurtful behavior and what this could mean for your sense of self-worth and emotional...
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Can you heal from severe abuse while still in a severely abusive situation?
Some people will deflect blame and make you feel like the problem. In this episode, I dive into this subject by examining a heart-wrenching story from a listener whose partner's jealousy turned violent, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship and her path to healing.
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Why you may not be ready to call it abuse when it is abuse
The emotionally abusive relationship can sometimes be hard to define. How long must abusive behavior go on before actually admit that what's really happening is abuse?
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Do you end the relationship because they won't?
How do you know when it's time to instigate a split? If your partner's behavior leaves you feeling oppressed and defeated, and they refuse to change, and they also don't want to end the relationship, then what?
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The breadcrumbing of relationships' past
Breadcrumbing can be a manipulative way to keep someone in your mind so that you can't fully move forward, keeping you as a pawn in another person's game. In this episode, a person wrote to me talking about their ex, a 13-year breadcrumber!
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The language patterns of the abusive person
The way someone talks about their relationship reveals a lot. Abuse victims and perpetrators each have their own language patterns. Knowing these language patterns will help you understand on which side of the fence you're on.
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Can you ever go back to who you were?
In abusive relationships it might be difficult or even impossible to discern which parts of yourself are truly you and which are shaped by the abuse. Let's talk about what it takes to start building or rebuilding your identity.
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Never trust someone who wants to change who you are
You walk into an emotionally abusive relationship as one person, but where do you go after you're in one for a while? Is the person you're with trying to change you into someone you're not?
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The love of my life is the abuser in my life
Love can feel like a double-edged sword, cutting deep despite the tender moments. Or is that really love? Caring and kindness mixed with toxic, controlling behaviors create a dangerous emotional cocktail of bonding and trauma.
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Can someone change even after they've done something terrible to you?
They did the worst thing imaginable and now want you to stay in their life. Is it possible they can change? Should you give them a chance?
About this show
Helping you identify toxic communication, emotional abuse, manipulation, and other forms of difficult behavior in relationships. Love and Abuse offers the perspective of both the victim and the perpetrator. Full of tips and advice for your friendships, family, love life, and marriage.You'll learn about covert abusive communication that takes away your power. And you'll discover how to pinpoint the specific toxic behaviors, such as narcissistic abuse and verbal abuse, before you are dragged into a psychological game so deep you come out a shell of your former self.Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook, an assessment and healing guide to help you evaluate the emotionally abusive and manipulative patterns in your relationship. Get the guide that will tell you exactly what's happening in your relationship over at loveandabuse.com.https://loveandabuse.com/
Hosted by
Paul Colaianni: Relationship and Emotional Abuse Expert