274: Separate Decisions from Difficult Conversations

If you feel totally stuck in decision fatigue and spinning and chewing on a decision, see what happens if you separate clarity on the decision itself from the fact that you're going to need to communicate to other people someday. What we have in it, you didn't have to tell anyone. You could just get clear for yourself what you really want. What's next?

This is a question we're all having asked at the answer more frequently. I'm Jen Blake, your host of the podcast and author of Pivot, The Only with the Matters is the next one. For shown in the episode, visit PivotVit.com slash podcast. If James is the only constant, then let's get that out of it.

Here we go. One of the most confusing parts of the Pivot process is being able to separate making a decision from carrying out that decision and having any ensuing difficult conversations. If you've been here listening for a long time, if you've read Pivot, you know that it's structured around a four-stage process. Plants scan pilot launch.

Plants is all about doubling down on what's working and what success looks like to say a year from now. Then you can scan, bridge the gap, looking for people's skills and projects, related to your strengths and where you want to end up. Pilot is all about taking action. Setting up small experiments and not having all the answers at front, running little tests into C3Es.

Do you like this new area? Can you become an expert at it? And is there room to expand? And this gap in within the role you currently have or if you're contemplating bigger moves.

The fourth stage launch is where you go all in on a new direction. And that can be easier than it sounds. For so many of you working on pivots and progress and who isn't after these last two tumultuous years of living, the launch moment can feel muddy and confused because you might have a whisper in your gut about what you really want to do deep down. But the thought of communicating that to other people, especially ones who might not agree, can be terrifying.

So I want to take you through a section in Pivot. This is in chapter 11 on flipping failure that I find particularly helpful to think about when you have a big decision in front of you. This is a section called separate decisions from difficult conversations. In addition to dealing with others' reactions and opinions and your anticipation of their reactions, a huge sticking point in this final pivot stage is actually having the difficult conversations that you might need to have with family, clients, managers, or co-workers that are going to set your launch in motion.

Remember that difficult launch conversations have five distinct parts. I recommend slowing down your process and slowing down your thinking so that you can really tease these five parts apart. And it might make you feel more confident in what you actually want deep down before you worry about how you're going to communicate it. Part one is making the decision based on your gut instinct.

If no one else were involved, if no one else has to say, if no one else would be mad at you or care or be disappointed, what does your gut say? So that's step one, make the decision based on your gut instinct. Imagine if no one else was a factor. Part two, figure out how to express the difficult decision in words clearly and directly.

This might mean you script it out and write it down, you do run through as a friend. But first, you just need to figure out how you want to put something into words before you ever worry about actually having that conversation. Your confidence will build as you start to get this down on paper and out your head because it can be a very intimidating process. Step three, you'll decide when to have a conversation.

So for example, in the case of somebody who is leaving their current organization, first, you might figure out how you're going to get noticed. And then later when you feel good and confident in your choice and how you want to communicate it, then you can decide the when, when to have that conversation. Step four, this is a big scary part actually communicating the decision to the others involved. Maybe you're telling your parents about a decision you're making or a partner or your manager.

So step four, that's a scary part is communicating the decision to others involved. And then step five, responding to their reaction and any incident consequences or follow-up. So many people make mistake of conflating all five of these steps and they end up so confused when contemplating or facing a tough decision. What really may be happening is that they're clear about number one, the right thing to do, but they're scared to ensure about how to communicate it.

The reason that I even separate step four and five communicating the decision and then responding to that reaction is that as my friend Julie says, sometimes the initial conversation is like an earthquake. It can be rattling for everybody involved and everybody many times is where it reflects. So then there might be a few aftershocks or follow conversations needed to finish working through things. I remember an example I shared in the book is one of my coaching clients at the time that I was working on for that.

Who I call Sadie in the book. She started coaching with me when she was unsure about what to do. Should she continue working at her small company or she had a lot of responsibility or pivot to one's related business. In her heart of hearts, she knew all along that she wanted to start her own business and I have to say as her coach, that's where the energy was.

All the excitement was in building this business and her side hustle and how many ideas she had and she just came so alive. Every time she was talking about it. So one of the things that we needed to do to give her confidence to even admit to herself that this was the direction she wanted to go someday was if her permission not to worry about when she would leave her company. First step was just saying out loud.

Yes, I went to run my own business and then I told her, okay, no pressure at all. But let's just figure out how you would communicate this decision even if it's six months from now. I find this really helpful with pivot planning. One, you can try on a decision.

So you can tell yourself you made a decision and sit with it very quietly without telling anyone else around you. Try it on like no fit. How does it feel? How does it sit with you when you sleep on it after a day or a week or a month?

Do you still feel confident in that decision or do you waffle? Do you still feel uncertain? So sometimes just trying on a decision without the pressure to communicate it can be really helpful. With Sadie in this case, I said, let's talk about how you would give two weeks notice and what you would say even if it's six months from now.

Thank you for permission that I wasn't been a force or do something she was uncomfortable with. Or was she going to do that to herself? There was no pressure. This could be a far off conversation, but at least we would take the box of starting to get clear on how she would communicate it.

So together we worked through the benefit. In the plant section, she wrote an mission statement for her new business and imagined what successful look like one year after she launched. Again, with total permission not to stress about the timing of any of this. Then we worked through the scan stage.

So we created a strategy for her to work toward that business vision. Whether or not it was a side-gagged, or a full-time job. We looked at tools, skills, and context that would be most helpful as she started building her business even though her own nights and weekends. So we thought about what would be the onboarding process for her new clients for the product that she was like, how could we just get ahead and start on creating some of that?

Then during the pilot stage, she took small, meaningful steps for building her business, such as starting to write the website copy and setting up an onboarding guide for new team members. We also at this point determined the checkpoint date. I wish you would seriously consider the return job, which for us at that moment ended up being about three months ahead. So we said, listen, we are not even going to debate this issue or bring up and coaching for the next two months.

Let's take a breather. We'll revisit that decision three months for now. In the launch stage of the process, we worked through how she would have that time-leading conversation with her boss. Again, whether in two weeks or two months, you can see how we keep creating a sense of psychological safety.

Of no pressure, it's all good. Everything's optional and let's not even spin about this. Let's put the entire decision on hold. So we continued working out her talking points and doing a little bit of roleplay conversation-wise of just how could she honor that relationship with her boss and keep that relationship strong while still communicating her total belief and excitement about her new direction.

We'll be right back just after this. Just having clarity on these four stages and these four aspects of the process gave her such a feeling of relief. And funnily enough, ironically or perfectly, a few weeks later, her gut started speaking out more and more loudly and she was starting to feel increasingly anxious and bored at work. So even though she had given herself permission to wait three months before giving her two weeks notice, she knew that she was ready and in a few weeks she went ahead of conversation.

So because we were able to separate what her decision was from how to communicate it from when to communicate it, that gave her that space and clarity to move forward on a timeline that worked for her. And I see this having with so many clients that something that once seems very scary, once you just get clear on some of the details of it and then put no pressure for timing, that their gut often speak up sooner than later and say, well, gee, now that I'm clear on wrestlers and I actually want to get a move on and a lot of that fear dissolves just through practicing and working through some of these big and small details. So even though netting could change the fact that having the conversation with her boss would be uncomfortable, say they went in feeling confident and empowered because she knew deep down their choice was the right one and she also felt someone prepared for what was going to happen afterward. Giving two weeks notice if any of you have done it, it's never fine.

It feels bad to disappoint somebody, but the best managers and companies feel happy for team members to keep moving and define the best role and to pursue their passions. A lot of companies have a phrase of boomerang team members where they might leave and come back. And the best companies know that they want to keep a strong relationship with their alumni and welcome them back in the future when those team members will have even more skills and value to bring to the organization. Another aspect of this is being able to hear what your gut is saying to you, even when your field of nerves and uncertainty.

So one exercise that I also share in the book that I love is to get quiet and for a situation or a big decision that you're facing, ask what does my head say, what does my heart want, and what does my gut say? And that often your gut acts as a referee between the two that your mind is often filled with suds. What you should want, but looks good on paper, what will make everyone else in your life happy? Your heart is your heart's desire.

It's that magnet that you have that's unique to you that is connected to your soul that is pulling you towards something new and possibly different and exciting. Because when I say what is your gut say, if you get really quiet somewhere deep down, there is a whisper and your gut knows or at least tell you one next step that would be most helpful to continue working toward clarity. So I bring you this short syllabus of today to say that if you feel totally stuck in the city and in spinning and chewing on the decision, see what happens if you separate clarity on the decision itself from the fact that you're going to communicate to other people someday. What would happen if you didn't have to tell anyone, but you could just get clear for yourself what you really want.

I hope you found this helpful and if you are looking for one on one support, tell you through big pivot in progress or big decision or doing role plays on how to communicate it, how to navigate an interview process or even have structured your first 90 days after you pivot, I encourage you to reach out to the coaching team. These are such wonderful hard-centered, deeply experienced career coaches with a decade of business experience in their own right. I encourage you to sign up for any questions that are totally free. Go to pivot method.com slash coaching and then you'll find a link to me, the team.

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Just navigate down to the one on one section, meet the team and sign up for your intro call. We look forward to hearing from you and I'm wishing you well with a big decision set you're facing. Remember, at the end of the day, decisions are data. Sometimes there is no wrong answer.

You just make a decision. It moves you forward. It gives you a new vantage point. And from there, you take in that new information and experience to keep moving and keep adapting and adjusting.

There's no there there. And we're all reinventing a future together now in these crazy times. So I'm here for you. If you have a more specific question for the pivot podcast, you can do that at pivot method.com slash task.

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