#278 | You're Not Fighting Your Spouse — Here Are the 3 Parts That Are

What if the fight you keep having with your spouse isn't really about dishes, money, or who said what last Tuesday? What if the two of you aren't even fighting each other at all?In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience working with couples — walks you through a framework he uses with couples every day: the three internal parts that show up in virtually every relationship conflict. Once you can see them, the whole fight starts to make sense.Todd breaks down the Firefighter — the part that attacks, raises its voice, and catalogues every grievance from the last six months. It looks strong, but it's actually operating from fear. Then there's the Manager — the part that goes quiet, pulls back, or tries to smooth everything over. From the outside it looks calm, but inside it's just trying to survive the moment. Underneath both of those protective parts lives what Todd calls the wounded or exiled part — the younger, more vulnerable self that feels unseen, unimportant, unsafe, or like it doesn't belong.Todd shares a real couple he's working with right now: a wife who grew up in a loud household where no one really listened, and a husband who was told as a child he should never have been born. Their fights look like her escalating and him withdrawing — but what's really happening is two wounded parts trying desperately to protect themselves. As Todd puts it, their protective parts are actually making things worse for each other, even when that's the last thing either of them wants.The shift happens when couples stop seeing each other as enemies and start recognizing the parts driving the conflict. That awareness — paired with compassion for your own internal experience — is what makes real repair possible.If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same cycles, this episode gives you a clear, honest way to look at what's actually going on beneath the surface.Todd works with couples navigating communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, infidelity recovery, and long-standing patterns that feel impossible to move through. If you're ready to work with him directly, visit toddcreager.com to learn more about his couples therapy and coaching services. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclassTodd Creager, LCSW, LMFTTodd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288.You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com  HELPFUL LINKS:Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...