#280: What to Do When Your Partner Says They Need Space

Ask Us A QuestionMet the right person, check. Got married, check. Bought the house, check. Had the kid, got the dog, put up the picket fence out front. Check, check, check.And then years in, somebody says, "I need some space. I can't do this anymore."And the other one is standing there going, what the hell? This wasn't the deal. I thought we were doing great. I thought we were knocking it out of the park.If you're the one who just got hit with those words, hold onto this number before your mind writes the ending for you. Only 5% of divorced people said nothing could have saved their marriage. The other 95% said skills and support could have changed everything. Your panic is quoting you the wrong number.This week we're replaying the most downloaded episode we've ever made. Our family is heads down finishing two new resources and getting ready for our first international retreat in Tuscany, and new episodes return mid-September.What we get into:What your partner is actually asking for when they say they need space. It's almost never the thing you're afraid it is, and once you hear it, the last several months rearrange themselves in your head.Why it didn't come out of left field, even though it hit you like it did. I tell on myself here. I was a master at making the relationship work for the other person. Never made a fuss, never said what wasn't working for me, and the whole time I thought I was doing the kindest thing I could do. I'll tell you what it cost me, and I'll tell you honestly that I've broken hearts over it.The thing I call the cruelest thing we can do to our lovers. It isn't cheating and it isn't lying. Most people are doing it right now believing it's the generous choice.What Brooke used to do the second a partner told them they weren't happy. She says it out loud, unedited, and then explains why it made everything worse. If you're the anxious one, this part is for you.The separation rules everybody is about to hand you. Move to the other bedroom, cut them off, no sex, no talking. I have some very direct words about that advice, and I'll give you the one thing that separates giving space from being abandoned.Why the more space you give, the more conversation you get back. It feels as backwards as turning into a skid, and Tom explains why every instinct you have will fight you on it.The six places to put your energy while you wait. I call what they build love insurance, and they happen to be the same things that put you back in the 95%.Whatever you were about to do tonight, listen first.Resources from this episode:Take the free Better Love Quiz (about 5 minutes, results instantly): https://betterlovequiz.comBook a private session with Staci: https://stacibartley.com/private-sessionsSchedule a clarity call with Tom: https://stacibartley.com/applyWe're live every Monday at 1:00 PM PST / 4:00 PM EST on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. Come hang out and bring your questions.Remember: love isn't enough, but skills are. Learn them, practice them, and live them today.Timestamps: 02:54 Why Space Happens04:04 The Blindside Dynamic08:17 Losing Yourself Over Time11:42 What Space Really Means13:10 External Pressures Pile On16:28 95 Percent Can Recover18:30 Anxious Reactions to Avoid22:28 Give Space to Get Closer25:06 Handling Panic and Reassurance27:25 Your Turn for Self Work28:30 Reset the Dynamic29:13 Self Soothe Anxiety31:24 Emotional Gas Tank32:55 Six Support Pillars36:40 Space Dos and Donts39:12 No Punishment Rules42:07 Boundaries and Support46:29 Avoid Dating During Space47:00 Get Help and ResourcesOkay, but is my relationship actually in trouble?If you’ve ever listened to Love Shack Live and wondered that, Staci wrote Is My Marriage Dead? for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know.$9 digital guide. Start reading today