#283 | How Childhood Shame Shows Up in Adult Intimacy: Exiles, Protectors, and the Way Through

Your partner reaches for you, and something inside pulls back. Not all of you. A part of you.In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about the young part that decided long ago that if anyone got close enough to really see you, they wouldn't like what they found. He calls that part an exile — a child who absorbed a message like "I'm not worth attention" or "something is wrong with me," and has been carrying it ever since. The child didn't choose that belief. They lived in conditions where it was the only conclusion that made sense.Todd describes the protective parts that form around an exile and why they are built to keep intimacy at a distance. One protector deflects every compliment before it lands. One keeps sex physical but never emotionally present. One picks a fight right when things are going well. Another becomes whatever the partner needs, pleasant and agreeable, so the real self never has to show up. None of these are character flaws. They are parts doing exactly the job they were given.The way through isn't forcing yourself to be more open, Todd says, because the protectors won't allow it. It's turning toward the exile with Self — the part of you that isn't a part at all, the calm and connected essence you were born with — and letting that young part be seen without judgment first.He closes with a client story from years back. A man whose mother projected onto him her hatred of his biological father, who grew up carrying the message that he was bad, acted it out as a juvenile delinquent, served time, and then sabotaged the marriage he wanted most. Todd walks through how they identified the protective parts, reached the shame underneath, and used EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) with that wounded part. Once the man knew the belief wasn't his, the protectors could rest, and closeness finally had somewhere to land.If any of this sounds familiar in your own marriage, listen with some gentleness toward yourself and your partner. Intimacy becomes possible when we look within and heal. Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclassTodd Creager, LCSW, LMFTTodd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288.You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com  HELPFUL LINKS:Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...