#285 | 42 Years Married: The Protective Parts That Show Up in My Own Marriage

What if the reaction you have with your partner isn't really you — it's a part of you doing a job it took on when you were five years old?In his yearly anniversary episode, Todd Creager marks 42 years of marriage by turning the lens on himself. Using the internal family systems model, he walks through the difference between our protective parts, our wounded parts, and the Self — the part of us with the capacity for compassion, clarity, calmness, courage, and curiosity toward everything else going on inside.Todd describes how managers work to keep it together and hold the pain in place, while firefighters put the fire out through yelling, gambling, drinking, shutting down, or scrolling a phone instead of turning toward a partner. Then he names his own. The tension in his chest and jaw. Speaking before he knows what he's saying. Getting short, raising his voice, barking back. He calls himself more of a fighter than a flight-er, and he's honest about the manager in him that tries to calm everyone else down as a way to calm himself, sometimes at his own expense.He spends real time on the people pleaser part — the one that doesn't want conflict and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Todd separates setting his needs aside because his wife's needs matter in that moment from setting them aside because a protective part is running the show. He shares what he calls being healthily selfish: saying what he feels even when she may not like hearing it, and finding that he likes her more when he shows up as himself.Perfectionism gets the same treatment. When his wife says something about him he believes is inaccurate, the quick correction leaves her feeling dismissed regardless of who's right. Todd describes slowing down, soothing himself, and making room for her experience instead — which is possible only when the protective part hasn't hijacked him. He traces that reactivity back to being five or six years old, listening to his parents fight, and deciding conflict wasn't safe.He closes with what happens when wounded parts get to heal at the core through approaches like internal family systems and EMDR, so protective parts no longer carry the burden of guarding them, and two adults can be present for each other.If you recognize your own patterns here, listen through and notice which part tends to speak first in your marriage. Follow the show, and pass this episode along to your partner if it opens up a conversation worth having.This is Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclassTodd Creager, LCSW, LMFTTodd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288.You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com  HELPFUL LINKS:Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...