309 — Feel Left Out a Lot? The Neuroscience of Exclusion — and the Daily Habit That Builds Secure Relationships with Columbia Neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine

Want more plays to choose from? Pre-order ⁠⁠The Mental Strength Playbook⁠⁠ before April 28th and get exclusive bonuses delivered instantly — including a mental strength audit and the book's introduction. Have you ever wondered why an unanswered text can send you into a spiral? Or why you keep having the same fight with your partner over and over again? It might be your attachment style. And the good news is, you can actually rewire your brain to feel more secure in your relationships. My guest today is Dr. Amir Levine, psychiatrist, molecular neuroscientist, and the bestselling author of Attached. He's back with a brand new book called Secure, where he shares how the small, everyday moments of connection can change your brain on a molecular level. Some of the things we discuss in this episode are: Why you can be securely attached to one person in your life and anxiously attached to another — and what that reveals about you. The "cyberball effect" and the surprising reason your brain reacts to being left off a group text the same way it reacts to physical pain. The shocking experiment that proved exclusion hurts even when the people excluding you aren't good people. The 5 pillars of a secure connection — and the simple acronym (CARP) you can use to evaluate every relationship in your life. Why even a nod from a stranger in an elevator matters more to your brain than you think. The "CARP intervention" — what to do when someone in your life isn't showing up for you. Why you don't need years of therapy or a massive breakthrough to become more secure. The fascinating science of why some people are wired for closeness and others aren't — and what a microscopic worm can teach us about it. How to "reshuffle your social media" (the people in your life, not the apps) to create a secure bubble around yourself. The reason recalling childhood memories in a secure environment can actually edit those memories — and heal them. If you've ever felt like you're too needy, too distant, or just bad at relationships, this conversation will change how you think about connection — and give you the tools to start feeling more secure today. Subscribe to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mentally Stronger Premium⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for exclusive content like weekly bonus episodes, mental strength challenges, and office hours with me. Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 290 — Feeling Disconnected? Do These 5 Things With Your Partner This Weekend to Develop a Stronger Relationship ⁠⁠261 - The Small Social Risks That Spark New Connections and Deepen Your Relationships With Ben SwireLinks & Resources LInks & Resources Secure Connect with the Show Buy a copy of⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Connect with Amy on Instagram —⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@AmyMorinAuthor⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Visit my website —⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠AmyMorinLCSW.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Sponsors MUDWTR - Get up to 43% off your entire order, plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use code STRONGER at ⁠⁠Mudwtr.com⁠⁠. AirDoctor — Head to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠AirDoctorPro.com⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠and use promo code STRONGER to get UP TO $300 off today! One Skin — Go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠oneskin.co/STRONGER⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and use code stronger to get up to 30% off your first 3 subscription orders Fast Growing Trees — Get an additional twenty percent off better plants at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FastGrowingTrees.com⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠using the code STRONGER at checkout Subscribe to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mentally Stronger Premium⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for exclusive content like weekly bonus episodes, mental strength challenges, and office hours with me. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices