The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hey guys, I'm Whitney Port, and this is With Wit. A lot of you may know me from reality TV, and the reality is a lot's happened since The Hills. With Wit is dedicated to having real, raw, and occasionally ridiculous conversations with the people who have had a profound impact on me, because on With Wit, very little is off limits.
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Molly here. Welcome to What You're Craving. Okay, so it's solo podcast day. This girl is on fire.
This girl is on fire, because in the Breaking Up a Sugar Facebook group, I told this story on a live about, I was watching my five God kids, because sometimes I just think I'm more capable than I actually am. It was a trip. Bless you mothers. Bless you mothers.
And so, I have five kids. I have to get like four of them to camp. I am like making breakfast, lunches, the whole thing. I have to get them to like two different camps.
It's a vibe, is what I can tell you. And so, I'm driving the two to camp. I've dropped two off, driving two to camp. Everyone's running late.
One forgot her tennis racket in the car. And I just have this like moment of like total self-hate. Like, what is wrong with you, Molly? Like, what is, like, what is wrong with you?
Come on. You know, that, and if you don't know that nasty voice, then you might not be listening to the right podcast, because that is a very familiar voice to me in my addictions and my eating disorders. Come on. What's wrong with you?
Get it together. It's a real, like, low-level voice. And this real miracle happens as I'm doing this. Oh, by the way, in the midst of this, one of the mothers, my best friend, texted me like, how's camp drop-off?
And that's really where it started. Like, oh, God, I can't even drive kids to camp. What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with me.
Nothing's wrong with me. Nothing's wrong with you. It's really hard. So this beautiful thing happens as this really destructive voice comes in telling me how terrible I am and that I'm not enough.
This beautiful voice arises from me and just says, hey, Ma, you're doing the best you can, you know? And it was such a relief. Like, you're doing the best you can. You're doing the best you can.
And it was true. I'm not skilled at that. And also, I think even if you're skilled at that, getting taking care of five kids in a very short amount of time is very hard. As is a lot of things.
So this voice comes in, and it's like, you know, you're doing the best you can. You're doing the best you can. And I'm like, yeah, I am doing the best I can. I agreed with it.
And oh my God, did my day go different. And I'm going to tell you another part of that story. For those of you who come on and listen to me, thank you. But for those of you who come on and listen to me for the eating disorder stuff, you know, after that, I went and picked up a nice coffee at this really fancy coffee place.
And next to the register, it had these like muffins. They're like keto, no sugar, no that. Like, it was like these dream muffins, right? But like, I knew because I was in the space of wisdom and self-love that those were not my muffins because if it's too good to be true, it probably is.
P.S. I had looked at them before and they were filled with fake sugar and fake everything. And I don't do fake. I don't put that kind of stuff into my body because I love my body and I love myself.
And muffins ain't my food. I've already eaten all the muffins. So, I tell the story in the Breaking Up Sugar Facebook group. I tell this story.
And it goes on like hotcakes. Pardon the pun. It goes on like hotcakes because there's this really long conversation. And I would say largely, 80% of the group is saying, thank you.
Thank you. This was so helpful to me. Thank you. I am doing the best I can.
I need to remind myself of that. Right? But then there's like, and I love this 20%. Like, if we're not telling the truth, we can't heal.
Right? Like, if we're not telling the truth, we can't heal. So, there's 20% of the group that's like, Molly, how do I know if I'm doing the best I can? And then there's this 10% contingency that's like, Molly, what if I'm not doing the best I can?
Like, what do I do then? So, my head was sort of exploding because I have so many thoughts on this. And then I thought, well, isn't that nice? I have a podcast to talk about this.
And let me tell you something. The more I think about this and the more I think about this, like, I literally could have my own. I just have a podcast about talking to people who struggle with diet drama and trauma or life drama and trauma about this particular thing. Because this is such a function of diet culture.
I don't even know what to say. It's a function of life. And I think living in this world. But this is the greatest con we have going on.
Because think about it. Just from a diet culture perspective. If I'm walking around thinking that I'm never doing my best and that it's never enough, right? Perfectionism is the great killer.
It will literally ruin your life. I remember I was in treatment for my codependency. And this woman, Anne, looked at me. She was the teacher.
And she said, you know, if you want to know the way to live a miserable life, be a perfectionist. And the real truth is, if you can't ever find a space in which you believe that you're doing your best, then we have a whole host of problems. Because you're never going to be happy. And I believe you deserve to be happy at minimum.
I believe you deserve a big, beautiful life. But that's not what today's podcast is about. So you have to know that there's a part of not believing that you're doing your best that comes so deeply rooted in the greatest con, the greatest scheme on earth, which is diet culture. Right?
Because that's how it keeps you hooked. It keeps you going to the next cleanse. It keeps you finding the next promise, you know, empty promise from a coach or a program or a conventional diet program. And this is really what we need to break free from.
Right? We have to teach ourselves how to get out of this or we're going to be stuck in the cycle forever. And like, no and no. And I want to say, you know, and sometimes we fall back into old habits.
Like that happens. And that's what happened to me in the car, by the way. I was in the old snow groove, the well-worn snow groove of, come on, you're terrible. You can't even drop kids off at camp.
Like, what's wrong with you? And thank goodness for these new muscles that I built. And I work hard at it. And I'm proud of that.
That was like, uh, I don't think so. You're doing your best. This is just really hard. And I want to say, before I start anything, is that, you know, beliefs are simply repeated thoughts.
They're repeated practice thoughts. And so we have repeated these thoughts and these actions that diet culture and culture culture and patriarchal culture, blah, blah, blah have instilled in us. You're not enough. You need to try harder.
Get it together. You know, I don't know what your voice says, but I'm sure it's very close to mine. I've sat in enough circles where there's a lot of head nodding. And so part of the work, and if you really, A, don't know if you're doing enough or you really don't think you're doing enough, is to really rebuild this belief structure, which means building a whole new snow groove.
So get the tractors out, right? Get the tractors out. Get the tree removal out because we got to build a whole new snow groove for you. You know, so anyway, this might be a multi-part series.
I want to really be able to dive into this with you. And so what I want to say is, first and foremost, in dialectical behavioral therapy, which is what I am trained in as a therapist, the treatment developer, Marsha Linehan, who I love more than life itself, has a saying. And the first part of the saying she says is, we are all doing the best that we can. We all need to believe that.
Everybody is doing the best that they can. Now you may be like balking at what I'm saying right now. And I just want you to soften into that. I just want you to lean into that.
Like, I want you to really investigate, like, what's happening for you right now. I'm not trying the best I can. Do you really believe that? We're going to get to that in a minute.
I need you to discern whether or not that's just a reactive thing that comes up for you or if you really don't believe that. Because if it's a reactive thing, then you have such an opportunity to change your belief system right in this moment. So beliefs are chosen thoughts. Beliefs are repeated thoughts plus action.
So what if you started from a core belief? What if you started from a core belief every minute We cut and run off diets. We cut and run out of life and we cut and run from ourselves. And that is just absolutely unacceptable.
So Marsha Linehan says, we're all doing the best that we can. And then she has a second part to it. So she says, we're all doing the best that we can. And sometimes we need to do better, try harder and be more motivated to change.
And I agree with that wholeheartedly, right? So I believe like in these moments of my own desperation, and I say this honestly, when I, when I was like 325 pounds, like questioning whether or not life was worth living, laying on couches and watching Dancing with the Stars in some kind of sugared out haze, you know, I had a really loose grip on life. I mean, I actually would say right then and there, I was doing the best I could given what I had. I was doing the best I could.
Then I had some offerings to heal. And I took them, right? Because that's the second part of this, that we need to do better, try harder and be more motivated to change. And like, I had to find some internal motivation to take a leap of faith.
And that's, I think what happens with us. So, so for the people who say, well, how do I know if I'm doing enough? How do I know? I want to say first and foremost, that is a question that will keep you sick and keep you trapped and keep you in a trance of unworthiness till the day you die, because there's no answer.
The answer is actually within you. There's no answer to that. And that's the great con that diet culture and culture has on us, is that there's no answer to that question. How do I know if I'm doing enough?
You'll never know. And so you have to sort of just call the game, right? You have to call the game and say, you know what, in this moment, I am doing enough. Maybe I want to do better in the next moment.
Perhaps, you know, maybe I want to go ask for help in the next moment. Maybe I want to say no to something in the next moment. Maybe I want to say yes to something in the next moment, but in this moment right now, I am doing my best. You have to declare it.
You have to declare it in the name of self-love. You have to declare it in the name of taking your power back. You have to declare it. We're probably gonna have more than one podcast on this.
I think this is gonna resonate with you all. It's resonating with me right now, to be honest with you, right? But I think the beauty of life and the beauty of change and the beauty of breaking out of eating disorders and addiction is having choice. It's having choice, you know, when we're feeling like a victim, when we're feeling in that confusion, right?
Am I doing enough? How do I know? How do I know? Somebody tell me.
Number one, we are throwing our power out and likely the people who are going to pick up that power are people who are gonna suck it. Who are gonna suck it dry. Who are gonna suck you dry. So that has to be unacceptable.
It's within you. And the beauty of life is you can make that decision in that moment. I'm doing my absolute best right now. I may want to try harder.
I may want to ask for more help, but I am making this decision right now. I'm holding my power within me and I'm doing my best right now, right now, right now. It's a call to action, right? That question is a call to action.
And so when we're feeling a victim or we're feeling that confusion, the first thing we forget, write this down, is that we have choices. Everything we do is a choice. I know it doesn't feel that way. The amount of times in a week that I'm feeling like a victim and I need to say to myself, right, right.
Well, you're choosing this, so choose something different, Molly. I mean, I can't even tell you. I'm so grateful that one of my teachers downloaded that to me because I use that so often. Oh, I forget I have a choice right now.
Oh my goodness. Thank goodness for that. That's all I can say, right? I think that this piece of how do I know if I'm doing my best is a real connection problem.
I really do. I love this data that says that, you know, the five people that we hang out with the most are the most influential people in our lives. I actually take that so seriously. You know, and if you're like, well, Molly, you know, I gotta, I gotta hang out with these three abusers.
then you take those other two people and you make sure they are blue ribbon characters who do nothing but support you. Because it's so important that you're connected. And like, don't even get me started on meditation and connection to something greater than you, because usually that not enoughness is the tape that we're playing in our head. And we need a bigger, braver, louder tape that says you are enough exactly as you are.
I love you. I love you. I love you. And whoever voice that is, if that's your internal voice, if that's a voice of a higher power, if that's a voice of, you know, your favorite celebrity, like who cares?
Just, you know, we have to get a bigger, louder voice inside of us, because otherwise it's the lower voice, the voice that tells us to binge, the voice that tells us to self-harm, the voice that keeps us little and playing it small and playing it sick. And I don't know, if you're hanging out with me, I think you want something bigger and I think you deserve something bigger and better. So usually it's a belief problem. And the big problem with that, let me just put on my therapist behavior hat for a second, is that we engage in actions that support the belief, right?
So if I'm like, oh, I'm such a terrible person. I'm fat for life. I'm never going to get it. And then I'm like binging my brains out and not asking for help and not fighting for my life, then that's going to make that snow groove probably stay the same way.
And so trying is such a brave act, right? Making an attempt, saying I'm never giving up on myself, right? Getting up when you fall down. Actually, I think that those behaviors, the ones that are actually imperfect, right?
Like I'm going to try my best. And if I don't do my best, like that's okay, too. And I'm going to try again and I'm never going to give up ever, ever, ever, ever. I actually think those are the actions that really declare this new snow groove.
They're the ones that move the trees out of their roots and make it easier to go down a new snow groove. It's actually, you know, life is filled with imperfections. It's really how we approach those that counts in our spirit and in our soul. And in this new playbook that we're writing, that we have this opportunity to write.
I'm telling you, beliefs are thoughts that we repeat over and over and over again. I didn't know that. I didn't know that till so late in life. I can't even tell you.
When someone told me I could redo my belief system, it was literally 15 years ago. I was like, are you joking? Oh my God, and just count me in on that. Because I was so desperate.
I was like, count me in on that. And it's imperfect. It's imperfect. That's the beauty of it.
And so us talking about this, this idea of am I doing enough when how do I know? It's like, that's perfectionism. It's such a nasty little serpent. It can like, it's a chameleon.
It can look in all different shapes and sizes. And if you're stuck in a loop, it's usually perfectionism that's trying to get you down. Push forward. You're enough.
I love you. The other thing is, in these moments, if you're knowing you're not doing your best, there's probably a really good reason for it. You know what I mean? There's probably like, you may not be able to be doing your best right now.
And that's still your best. Isn't that bonkers? Like, I think we gotta keep our eye on that one, too. Like, there are moments in which we're doing our best and it's not our best.
I know. Is your head kind of going, what are you talking about? What do I mean by that? Well, let's say that you know your best is like this really solid meal plan.
We'll talk about the food. Your solid meal plan, writing it down, praying, meditating, connecting with people. But like life gets in the way. And so you're doing 50% of that.
But that 50% is actually your best because life is in the way and you got to take care of sick parents or you're like in the middle of a breakup and you just can't give your all. That's still doing your best. Do you get that one? Give me a note.
Send me a note if you don't get that one. Maybe I need to do a whole podcast on that. This is where the rubber hits the road, my friends. That's all I'm saying.
So here's the final thing I'm going to say. A lot of times, if we don't think we're doing our best or we're not sure if we're doing our best, it lends to the idea that you maybe need some help. You know, the bravest thing we say in this lifetime is I need help, right? And the even braver thing that we do is that we like are open to guidance.
You got to be careful who you get your guidance from because there's a lot of serp