33. I’m Jealous

Hello and welcome, I’m Renée Valentina and this is Musing Interruptus. A podcast meant for sharing thoughts, stories, enjoying idiomatic phrases and words in general. You can read along; the transcription is in the description of this episode. The idiomatic expressions are in italics. Try to get the meaning from the context and then look them up to see if you were right. If you like it, share it, but more importantly, continue the conversation. Today, I’m Jealous  Once upon a time, there was a young, scratch that…. Let’s not go full out toilet immediately .  Let’s start in bed. I bet that is where most of you started out, especially those who have unadventurous parents. Actually, we should go further back. Gordon Mathew Thomas Sumner, a.k.a Sting reminds us we need a space to imagine when he describes the inspiration for the song Why Should I Cry For You. Believing in the importance of, what some call procrastination, which I think is better known by those whose creative process requires space, the space for imagination. Believing in the importance of this space is fundamental and crucial. The space for thoughts and wandering down paths. This can happen in many places, in bed, letting the mind wander, in my case, atop my bicycle, taking a walk, or just sitting in my thoughts, surrounded by silence or music. I call it the planning stage and much like Sting, for me it is the place where stories gestate, up to the moment when I just can’t stand it, and I have to write or create something, anything. Like a pressure cooker. I notice how as soon as I have that space, more pressure builds up. The creative energy builds up. The more space there is, the more time I have, the more ideas I get. Dave Chappelle describes feeling like he is getting into the trunk of a car and the idea is driving. That sounds like a fun roadtrip. Not all ideas are good or do us good. Imagination can take us to very good and pleasant places, and other times, it can take us to dark, scary, catastrophic places.  Jealousy is a sour little sphincter, retaining, and holding in. Rotten feeling, isn’t it? Then again, it is probably the stuff that was being retained, the insecurities, projected on the other, of course, the feeling of being unloved, overlooked, discarded, dejected, and forgotten. Retention only keeps those feelings in, inside and in a vicious cycle, increasing the yucky feeling. And it is not just those feelings, for instance, imagine being jealous of the object of your affection loving someone else. Jealous of how they discover all the wonderful things you want them to discover in you. The mental images you won’t utter out loud for fear that saying them out loud could make them real, if they aren’t already. You are of course, certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are real. You feel it and that feeling is so strong, wretched, and painful, it must be real. Say it and, like some masochistic incantation, make it real. Funny how you might believe that, and you won’t believe in how you could use your magic to your own benefit. That is another Musing Interruputs. Continue reading