#34 Teaching Kids Self-Trust in a Manipulative World | With Dr Naaila Chagani

In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner emotional world belongs to them and cannot be rearranged by someone else.Drawing from both personal lived experience as a bonus mom and rigorous research, Dr. Naaila shares a compassionate, nuanced framework for helping kids recognize emotionally manipulative behaviors, trust their own instincts, and stay safe — without having to sever love from protection.Key TakeawaysHeart safety is as important as body safety. Just as we teach kids "your body belongs to you," we need to teach them their inner world — feelings, perceptions, sense of self — belongs to them too.Manipulation exists on a spectrum. From a tired parent saying "you're fine" to genuinely harmful conditional love — many behaviors, unintentionally or not, ask a child to ignore what they feel.Fear and discernment are opposites. A frightened child freezes or fawns. A discerning child notices something feels off and trusts that noticing. That trust is the goal.Children turn confusion inward as self-blame. When something feels off but no one names it, kids often conclude they did something wrong — a wound that follows them into adulthood.The DARVO pattern (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) is used by highly manipulative people, and it's important for kids to know they may not always be safe to speak up directly.Don't label the other parent — name the behavior's impact. Help children notice what doesn't feel good without putting the burden of intent analysis on them.The loyalty bind is real. Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations often gravitate toward the more manipulative parent to stay safe — making unconditional love from the safe parent even more essential.Start young. You can begin conversations about emotions, what feels good and what doesn't, as early as 18 months to 2 years old.Kids are allowed to say whatever keeps them safe in the moment. They can debrief and process with a safe adult after.About the GuestDr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) is an applied developmental scientist with a Ph.D. in Child Study and Human Development from Tufts University. She specializes in the role adults play in positive youth development and helps parents navigate high-conflict and toxic co-parenting situations. She is also a bonus mom, and her personal experience navigating a manipulative co-parenting dynamic is the foundation of her work.🌐 Website: parenting-mindfully.com📘 Book: Seeds of Self-Trust — 25 read-aloud stories for ages 4–8 (also deeply resonant for adults)📺 YouTube: Parenting Mindfully with Dr. Naaila Hudani📸 Instagram: @drnaaila_parentingmindfullyResources Mentioned📗 Seeds of Self-Trust by Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) — seedsofselftrust.com — 25 read-aloud stories for children ages 4–8 on recognizing emotionally manipulative dynamics🏫 Making Caring Common — Dr. Rick Weissbourd's project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education on raising empathetic, ethical children — mcc.gse.harvard.edu👤 Dr. Richard Weissbourd — Senior Lecturer & Faculty Director, Making Caring Common, Harvard GSE — Faculty Profile📕 Street Smarts: Trust Your Instincts, Outsmart Danger, and Stay Safe in a World That Isn't by Dannah Eve — includes the "Lie to Survive" framework — Amazon🔐 Secure Parenting Program by Eli — attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program📖 The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz — Referenced in conversation ("Don't take it personally") — AmazonConnect with Eli🌐 Website: attachmentnerd.com📸 Instagram: @attachmentnerd🎵 TikTok: @attachmentnerdLearn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/