342 – The Art of Apologising as a Counsellor

Shame in Supervision – Creative Learning During an Academic Break In Episode 342 of the Counselling Tutor Podcast, your hosts Rory Lees-Oakes and Ken Kelly take us through this week’s three topics: Firstly in ‘Ethical, Sustainable Practice’, we explore the art of apologising as a counsellor - why it matters, how to do it effectively, and how to avoid making it about yourself. Then in ‘Practice Matters’, Rory speaks with Dr. Ruth Birkbeck about a powerful and often unspoken topic: shame in supervision. We explore what it looks like, how it can impact both supervision and client work, and what can be done to repair it. And lastly in ‘Student Services’, Rory and Ken look at how you can make the most of your academic break with creative learning - offering tips for staying engaged without overwhelming yourself or contaminating your core training. The Art of Apologising as a Counsellor [starts at 03:10 mins] In this section, Rory and Ken explore what makes a meaningful apology in the therapeutic relationship. Key points include: Apologising isn’t part of most training, yet it’s crucial when a rupture occurs in therapy. A well-placed apology can strengthen the therapeutic relationship and model healthy repair. An apology should focus on the client’s experience, not your own discomfort. Avoid justifying your behaviour or offloading guilt onto the client. Principles of a meaningful apology: Clarify your intention – Why are you apologising? Acknowledge the impact – Understand how your action affected the client. Resist the urge to justify – Don’t make excuses or shift the focus. Take ownership – Use “I” statements to show accountability. Invite the client’s response – Open the door to dialogue. Don’t expect forgiveness – That’s the client’s choice, not your right. Repair the rupture – Explore what can be done to rebuild trust. Tolerate discomfort – Apologising can feel hard, but it’s part of ethical practice. Shame in Supervision [starts at 29:12 mins] In this week’s Practice Matters, Rory speaks with Dr. Ruth Birkbeck about the impact of shame in supervision. The key points of this discussion include: Shame in supervision can silence supervisees and damage the working alliance. Common causes include: Judging or criticising supervisees’ clinical decisions. Idealising supervisees and ignoring their vulnerabilities. Expecting them to know everything, especially in second trainings. Shame often results in withdrawal, silence, and loss of trust. Supervisees may internalise shame and stop bringing important issues to supervision. How to avoid shaming supervisees: Be aware of your own power and possible transference. Stay curious rather than critical. Show your own vulnerability, e.g. by talking about past mistakes. Openly name and repair ruptures if you suspect shame has occurred. Create an attuned, safe supervisory relationship that allows for growth. Shame often arises not from what was said, but from how it was experienced. Creative Learning During an Academic Break [starts at 53:10 mins] In this section, Rory and Ken offer advice on how to use your academic break effectively without overwhelming yourself or stepping outside your core training model. Tips for creative learning: Avoid cross-modality contamination – If you’re training in one modality, don’t dive deep into others during a break. Focus on areas that are universal and always useful: Counselling skills Personal development Professional ethics Use your break to: Review past material to reinforce what you’ve already learned. Read ahead if you know the next module topic. Connect with peers through study groups or online communities. Watch live skills demos to see techniques in action. Other ideas: Explore special interest CPD (e.g. grief, young people,