39 The Real, Radical, and Resounding Differences Between Shame and Guilt

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before.  I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving.  Thank you for being here with me.  This is episode 39, released on October 26, 2020 and it is the third episode in our series on shame.  and it is titled: The Real, Radical, and Resounding Differences Between Shame and Guilt.  Two episode ago, in episode 37, we introduced shame as the silent killer who stalks us from within.  Last episode, episode 38, I invited you to see the signs of shame in yourself and others, to recognize shame in ourselves and in others, becoming better able to detect it.     That's important, because shame pulls us to allow our shame to remain hidden, unobserved, unrecognized for what it is.  Shame is tricky, it's slippery, it loves to camouflage itself. Encourage you to listen to those last two episodes, very rich, RCCD community members discussing listening multiple times, really working on understanding.  Now that we have a much better understanding of shame from the last two episodes, we are going to take the next step. This episode will stand alone, I will give you the context.  Today, in Episode 39.  We are going to understand much more deeply the difference between shame and guilt. Many people use them interchangeably they don't recognize a difference.  I feel bad with both of them because something is wrong. Shame vs. Guilt  Distinction.  I asked about this in intake evaluations.  Five negative emotions.  Anger, Sadness, Fear, Shame and Guilt.  What's the difference between shame and guilt.  Most people could not tell me the difference.  Rare that someone could give me a good answer.     Do you know the difference between shame and guilt?  Do your siblings know the difference? Does your spouse or significant other, do your friends, your kids, your siblings.  As we will see, it a crucial distinction -- because the upshot is that we work with them in very different ways.   focusing today recognizing the difference between shame and guilt Important psychologically Important spiritually Not just an idle curiosity, the kind of thing philosopher like to debate about But a real world concern Brene Brown: I believe the differences between shame and guilt are critical in informing everything from the way we parent and engage in relationships, to the way we give feedback at work and school. Bernard Williams (1993) claims that guilt and shame overlap to a significant degree and we will not understand either unless we take both seriously. Catholic guilt or Catholic shame.  Review.  Shame has been very difficult to define.  Most definitions have been inadequate and very contradictory.  Shame mentioned only once in the entire Catechism of the Catholic Church. CCC1216 on Baptism: Baptism is God's most beautiful and magnificent gift. . . .We call it gift, grace, anointing, enlightenment, garment of immortality, bath of rebirth, seal, and most precious gift. It is called gift because it is conferred on those who bring nothing of their own; grace since it is given even to the guilty; Baptism because sin is buried in the water; anointing for it is priestly and royal as are those who are anointed; enlightenment because it radiates light; clothing since it veils our shame; bath because it washes; and seal as it is our guard and the sign of God's Lordship. Shame not mentioned in Fr. Hardon's modern Catholic dictionary or in the Traditional Catholic Dictionary or in the 1917 Catholic encyclopedia.  Shame also not listed in the American Psychological Association's Dictionary of Psychology.  Ooops.  Brene Brown: I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.Shame has five dimensions: shame is a primary emotion, shame is a bodily reaction, shame is a signal to us,  shame is an internal self-judgement, and shame is an action -- a verb (review).  Shame as primary emotion--  primary emotions are those that we feel first, as a first response to a situation. They are unthinking, instinctive, automatic emotions that we have.   Heartset Can be conscious or unconscious Held by a part of us. -- part of us burdened with shame.  Doesn't just come and go in waves Also a self-conscious emotion Also a moral emotion. Shame as a bodily reaction not under bodily control -- bodyset Hyperarousal -- this is where our sympathetic nervous system revs us up, gets into fight or flight mode in response to shame Heart starts racing Breathing quickens Pupils dilate Blood rushes to arms and legs Face can flush red Get ready to defend ourselves or attack or run away Hypoarousal, when the parasympathetic nervous system shuts us down -- freeze response, like a deer in the headlights Shut down.  Numb out.  Dissociate Head drops Breaking off eye contact Tightening up of muscles, curling up in a ball (spine) -- hunching to protect vital organs.  Making one's body smaller, less visible Feeling like ice water in the veins, cold freezing sensation Fluttering in belly. Shame as a judgment  -- a negative, critical, global judgment of who I am as a person. -- mindset  Part of me holds this disparaging perspective of myselfPart of me accuses me of being incompetent, inadequate, worthless, unlovable, bad or even evil,A judgement about who I really am originally picked up from the perspective of an important other who was perceived as critical or rejecting. Shame as a signal