#40: Rethinking Harmful Sexual Behaviour In Kids, with Alan Jenkins

Send us Fan MailWhat if the biggest driver of harmful sexual behaviour in children isn’t deviance in the child, but disconnection in the systems around them? We sit down with Alan Jenkins—veteran practitioner, author of Becoming Ethical, and pioneer of “multi undisciplinary” teams—to rethink how shame, belonging, and power shape what children do and how adults respond.Across vivid stories from schools and services, Alan shows how our default reactions—suspensions, isolation, forensic labels—often deepen the very conditions that fuel harm. He traces a common pathway that starts with curiosity, is supercharged by isolation and low worth, and is reinforced by a culture that teaches sex as conquest and anaesthetic. Instead of fixating on acts alone, he urges us to assess what truly regulates a child: connection to people, a sense of worth, and supervised, guided places to belong.Central to this conversation is a sharp distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is neat and cognitive; shame is affective and, when contained, becomes a compass. Alan calls it the shadow of love—the feeling that slows us down and attunes us to another’s boundary. Through careful, respectful work that first restores stories of loyalty, protest, and care, children can access imminent shame: the embodied “my God, what have I done?” that opens integrity and real repair. From there, practical steps follow—support circles, connection‑centred safety plans, and everyday opportunities to practise discretion.We also turn the lens on practitioners and supervisors. Urgency to “make them face it” is often picked up as demand and met with rightful protest. Alan outlines a parallel journey: if we expect a young person to consider the other’s experience, we must stay acutely aware of our impact. That stance disarms resistance, honours healthy protest, and creates the safety needed for ethical growth.If you work in schools, child protection, youth justice, or therapy—or you care about building communities where kids can belong without causing harm—this conversation offers a grounded, humane roadmap. Subscribe, share this episode with a colleague, and leave a review with one change you’ll make in your practice.Alan’s Bio:Alan has worked in a range of multi-undisciplinary teams addressing violence and abusive behaviour for more than 35 years. Rather than tire from this work, he has become increasingly intrigued with possibilities for the discovery of ethical, respectful and accountable ways of relating. The valuing of ethics, fairness and the importance of protest against injustice has led him to stray considerably from the path prescribed in his early training as a psychologist, towards a political analysis of abuse. Alan’s most recent publication is ‘Becoming Ethical : A Parallel Political Journey With Men Who Have Abused,’ published in 2009.He was a director of Nada and managed the Mary St. Program for young people who have engaged in sexually harmful behaviour, along with their caregivers and communities.Links:Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TheSecureStartPodcastPodcast Blog Site: https://thesecurestartpodcast.com/Disclaimer: Information reported by guests of this podcast is assumed to be accurate as stated. Podcast owner Colby Pearce is not responsible for any error of facts presented by podcast guests. In addition, unless otherwise specified, opinions expressed by guests of this podcast may not reflect those of the podcast owner, Colby Pearce. Finally, all references to case examples are anonymised to the extent that the actual case could not be identified, or are fictional but based on real-life examples for illustrative purposes, or have client consent to talk about in an educative context.Support the show