426: How to choose yourself

On todays episode, Betsy talks about healing, traveling back to her hometown and how to really choose yourself in the face of pressure and old dynamics. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, fellow adventurers. Hi, everybody. I am back home after a long weekend of being in Vermont. That’s where I grew up, in Vermont, and that’s where my dad still lives. He lived for a long time in Vermont and in Florida, and about a year ago decided to sell his home in Florida, and he’s just in Vermont full-time. So, um, he is 85 years old, and weirdly seems really young. And I know it’s not just me. I know it’s not just my bias view, because I saw so many of my friends from high school, and I’ll get into that, but they all were like, “Why does your dad seem so young? Like, he seems just like he did even 20 years ago.” It is a little unnerving. He’s like Benjamin Button, I guess. Rides his bike, goes to the gym three times a week. He’s very busy, and cognitively still really there. I don’t know. I know intellectually 85 is, you know, a- an advanced age, but I guess the older we get, the more young older age seems. And now 85 just doesn’t seem that old to me, but I know cognitively, I know that it, it is. So this past weekend- I went up to Vermont because my best friend growing up, I had a best friend named Heather, and her younger sister was just a year younger, so Linny. So Linny and Heather were my very best friends, and I spent every waking moment with them. Um, if you have been here for a long time, you may remember when my friend Heather’s mom died about five years, four years ago probably now. Um, and I went up to Vermont and just flew in, went to the hospital, and stayed a few days and then left. So I didn’t see anything in Vermont. It wasn’t like a real visit, but I went up for that. My mom and Heather’s mom were very best friends, so our families were very, very connected. And so a few months ago, Heather’s dad, Bob, passed away, and they were having, like, a celebration of life for him. And so I, I, I really don’t go, like, I’m using air quotes, home very often. I hadn’t been since before I was married, except for when, you know, to go to the hospital, when Michelle was in the hospital. So, you know, it’s… I really don’t go. I, I joke that the only thing that will get me to make the trek home is Heather and Linny. Um, but, you know, they needed me, and so of course I was gonna go, and Bob was such an important part of my life. It feels funny calling him Bob. That was his name. But Daddy Oved is what I c- I called him Daddy or Dad or Mr. Oved. Um, but when he passed away and they were having this celebration for him, then I really wanted to go, and it was really beautiful actually. You know, so many people came to the celebration. It was, like, at the legion hall there in the little town where I grew up. And so many of my friends from growing up were there. You know, people whose lives he had touched, and I think really importantly People who find Heather and Linney to be really important. You know, I think it was also such a beautiful example of the impact that they have on the world, you know, and on their, on their world. And so anyway, it was really nice. Um, you know, Heather still lives in Vermont, has lived a couple places, but she’s back in Vermont, and Linney is just outside New York City. So, you know, it was nice to have everybody come and to see so many friends. And, you know, seeing those friends from growing up, it, it’s like a light, nice little reunion, you know? I think that Mr. Ovitt was complicated, like a lot of our dads. Not especially emotional, but you knew that he cared about you. I remember, and my dad was mentioning this, and, and we talked about this a little bit, but when my mom died, Mr. Ovitt was the first one over at the house and just started cooking for everybody. And I remember actually sitting in my family room. Everybody was in the living room, and I had gone to, like, the family room to kinda, like, get away from all the people. I mean, I was, I was stunned. I was stunned and in shock. But I remember looking from the couch and seeing him leaning over the kitchen and, or over the kitchen sink and doing something. And, um, and yeah, it was just, he had an impact on, on all, on all of our lives. And then, of course, my dad still lives in Vermont, and so I made sure that I planned this trip also around visiting him while I was there, and that’s really kinda what I wanna talk about. You know, I think it can be hard sometimes to go back to the place where we were, who we were, and try and keep the version of us that exists today. I think this is why so many people, you know, fight at the holidays and all that, because we have changed or grown so much, and then you go home, and you are expected to be the same. You know, I wonder sometime if I do this to my own child, you know? I expect them to be a certain way ’cause that’s the way they are. And so in all of that, in trying to manage that experience for myself, I decided to stay at a hotel down the street from where my dad and his wife live. I thought this would be really nice for me so that I could have my own space. And, you know, I knew that going to have this visit was gonna be tricky. You know- I, I’m gonna guess that you all kinda know what I mean by that, right? Like, family dynamics can be really complicated sometimes, and sometimes you just need to have a plan. You know, you need to know how you’re gonna move through it without disappearing into it. And so, you know, the celebration of life for Bob was super nice, and, um, that was on a Saturday. I got there on, um, like the middle of the night on a Thursday. The flights, the flights from Atlanta to Vermont are not simple. Um, but I spent the day with my dad and his wife on Friday, and the celebration of life, and I stayed with my friend, and then went back to a hotel the following day. So all of it was really nice, but at, you know, at the end of the night, my, my family wanted me to stay with them. They wanted me to go get my stuff from the hotel and just stay with them. You know, just keep- Like, c- I, and I guess I understand this in a, in a way, right y’all? Like, we want our children under our roof. Like, I, I, I understand this. But that isn’t the kind of relationship that I really have with my family. And so I had to really decide which version of me is gonna show up here. Is it the old version of me? And really, it’s a version of me from maybe 15 years ago. I haven’t been there since before I got married, like, for a visit. You know, before all the things that I have looked at and healed over the past, you know, I would say 2010, I probably started my real heal- healing journey, so the past 16 years. You know, am I going, am I going to be the version of me who used to show up with them, or am I gonna be the version of me that has done the work? You know, am I gonna be the version of me that would’ve just folded and done what they wanted? You know, if they pressured me or asked me enough, I would’ve just said, “Oh, you’re right, I’ll just do it. It’s easier.” You know, she would have stretched herself thin and made herself available even though she didn’t have it in her. You know, it, I think that at the end of the day she would’ve resented them a little. She would’ve resented them for asking. She would’ve resented herself for doing what they wanted. And I think that in a lot of ways, and I’m gonna say something that’s gonna sound very dramatic, but it would have put me in the crosshairs for continued trauma. And I, I say this, and I know it sounds dramatic. We all have our things with family, so I’m not saying my thing is worse or better or, eh, you know, anything about the degrees of it other than my body and my nervous system interprets what’s happening as a layer of trauma. So what I noticed on this trip was that my body was really working to keep me out of the crosshairs of further injury, and it was a lot to navigate. It was a thing and a moment where I think I had to honor The version of me who was healed and recognizing when something didn’t feel right so that I could make a different choice in the moment. And I could feel it when I would make a different choice, and my whole body would relax. And I would say, “Okay, well, that was the right choice.” My nervous system was speaking to me so, so clearly. And I think when we have lived in a certain way for so long, and then we heal, and then we go back to the place where we used to be that old version of ourselves, it can be really difficult to stay in the version of us that lives our everyday life. You know, I think that when I look at my life in Vermont and the time that I had spent there, and, and really I left, I mean, I left right after high school and went to college, but I would come back. For the first year, I think, of college I went back to my dad’s house. After that, I didn’t go back. I would stay with my sister at her apartment when my dorm would shut down, you know? But, you know, we have continued cr- you know, interactions with our family even if we don’t live with them. And so I feel like when I was there this particular time as a healed person for the first time in 15 years, I could see so clearly my old patterns, the patterns of the people around me, and really why so many things felt familiar inside my marriage. Like, why I chose the way that I chose. Because those same things were actually inside my family dynamic, but I had never really noticed it before. I never noticed it because it was normal. It was, like, reality. I’m using air quotes. Like, reality. Those things were there the, the whole time. And then when I could see it so clearly, I could make a really different choice. So I wanna share with you sort of something that I did knowing going into this and how I kinda handled it. So before I got to Vermont, maybe, like, four or five days before, my nervous system started really reacting to what was coming, and my aura ring was like, “Hey, are you okay? You’re experiencing a lot of stress. You’re not sleeping. You’re in a sleep deficit. What’s going on?” And so I decided that I needed to have a, a real plan, not only for myself and, like, where my personhood was, where my body was gonna be, but also how I wanted to be thinking about this. And so, you know, I’m gonna share this with you in case this helps you, uh, because you’ll have things like this, too, right? It might be when you go home to family, but it might be other things, too. And so what I did was I sat down, and I imagined how I wanted to feel at the end of the trip, not how I wanted them to feel And I know that can be really hard, ’cause so many times we frame things around how we want other people to experience us. But what I wanted to do is I wanted to figure out how I wanted to feel inside my body, but also how I wanted to think about myself and how I moved through that experience. You know, inside the Navigate method, we talk about moving through your divorce with bravery and integrity, and I think that’s really what I brought into this. I really wanted to be in integrity with who I am, like, h- how I treat people, but most importantly, how I treat myself. And I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be brave enough to choose myself, and that word brave that, it sounds so d- I feel like I sound so dramatic. But, it, it is, it is an act of bravery to say no to a family dynamic that has always said yes. It can be difficult to make a different choice and to say, “I know I’ve always just gone with the flow. I know I’ve always done it the way they wanted me to do it, but I’m not going to this time.” And I’ll tell you, it was difficult because There was an ask for me to do something many times, and then when I said no, the ask was asked again and again and again, and the pressure mounted. And I had to remind myself of how do I wanna feel when I leave? Like, when I’m on the flight on the way home, when I look back on this experience, how do I wanna look at how I acted? And I wanted to feel light. I didn’t wanna feel small. I wanted to feel like I had sort of embodied my, my fullness, who I am. You know, I asked myself did I wanna feel proud of how I showed up, or did I wanna carry resentment home with me? And when I would make a choice, I would say which, which way is this gonna land? Am I gonna feel proud of this, or am I gonna feel resentful? You know, I asked myself, like, how did I want to honor what I actually needed, or did I wanna make myself just fit into, you know, the space that they had for me? And I decided in the end, before I even left, I, I did this, like, days before, that I wanted to feel like myself. And so when they asked me not to stay at a hotel, when they wanted me to do what they wanted me to do, I didn’t have to fight with them. I didn’t have to fight with myself either. I just had to remember the feeling that I had decided on, and I knew that if I felt in alignment, if I felt good about myself, if I didn’t have resentment, my relationship with them would be better. And so I said no so many times. I drove myself somewhere. I went back to my hotel. I decided to take a walk. You know, I honored what I had committed to myself, which was really taking care of myself. It was really listening. And you know, in those moments, I really, I really have realized something, that, that choice, the choice wasn’t It wasn’t hard because I’m selfish. It wasn’t hard because I don’t love them. It was hard because for so long the version of me that said yes was the version that I thought I was supposed to be, you know, to be loved or how, whatever it is that we think. That that was the person I believed I had to be in order to belong in that family dynamic, in order to be okay But the truth is, that’s not who I am anymore, and so many of you are likely not who you were last time you went home, or last time you went into an experience, you know, a- an environment. Maybe it’s with your former spouse and you’re doing a family thing with your kids. You know, you’re stepping into something and you’re like, “I’m not the version of me that I was when I was in this last.” And so every time I chose myself, even in the small moments, and there were small moments where I had to say, “I don’t want that. I want this.” “Uh, would you like a Diet Coke?” “No, thank you.” “Have a Diet Coke. I bought you the Diet Coke.” “I don’t really want a Diet Coke.” “You said you liked Diet Coke, so I bought it.” “I, I, I’m choosing not to have a Diet Coke right now.” I mean, like, it, it was a choosing of myself over and over and over again, and I knew, even in those little moments, I am building the version of me that doesn’t have to question whether she belongs here or whether she should do what they want. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s these, like, small choices. They’re not separate from big choices. They’re the same exact thing. It’s the same muscle. And, you know, over the last 15 years of, of healing myself, I have been able to witness these patterns instead of being inside them. You know, before I, I used to feel like I w- would go there, and I would w- be, like, inside a washing machine. Like, I was just being, like, w- waterboard, waterboarded and, and tossed around, and I couldn’t see what was happening while I was in it. I just knew it felt awful. But now, this time, I could step back. I could witness myself. I could see it. And when you can see something really clearly, you get to choose something different and feel more steady in it. And so that’s what happened in Vermont. I could see the pattern. I could see the old impulse to say yes and to shrink myself, and I could still choose differently. So here’s what I want you to try. This is a little tool for you this week. Before you walk into a situation where you know that the tricky parts are gonna show up, take five minutes, close your eyes, and imagine yourself at the end of that time. Not at the beginning, at the end, when it’s all over, when you’re on the flight home, when you’re driving back to your house, when you’re settled in your own bed that night. How do you wanna feel? Not how do you want them to feel, not what do you think you’re supposed to do, not any of those things. But how do you actually want to feel in your body, in your bones? And then as you’re moving through it, you’re not fighting anyone. You’re not white-knuckling through it. You’re calibrating towards a feeling, and you’re making decisions that move you towards the version of yourself that you decide on beforehand, and it changes everything. It’s not about being card, card… Ca- cold, cold or hard. That is my new word, card, trademark. Or selfish. It’s not about putting up walls. It’s just about knowing who you wanna be and letting that be the thing that guides you instead of letting everyone else’s comfort guide you. And I’m gonna say it again, but when we can be truly ourselves, our relationship with those other people can be better. And instead of old patterns, instead of the version of you that you thought you had to be, you get to show up as you, and then you feel good about that, and you don’t have resentment or carry any, you know, harmful feelings afterwards. And I think when you make a choice with yourself in the small moments, you’re not just choosing yourself. You’re saying something to yourself. You’re saying, “I see you, I hear what you need, and I’m gonna take care of you.” And for me, I think that was so huge. Like, I’ve have felt like, you know, perhaps the people around me had failed me in some ways, but I won’t ever fail me. I won’t ever fail me again. And I think every time you can do that, you start to build a version of yourself that knows she can trust herself, she knows she can make decisions, she can count on herself, and I think that is how you live a big life. That is the work. That’s the healing. And that’s what it looks like, you know, when you’re stepping into a version of you that you really wanna be. All right. Thank you so much for being here with me this week. I love you guys so much, and if I can do anything for you, be sure to reach out. Message me on Instagram. If you have a podcast suggestion, please let me know. And if you haven’t ever given this podcast a review, if you could do that, go to iTunes, give us a review. It would mean so much to me. I noticed that recently we got some new reviews, and I forgot how much life that brought me. You know, it’s hard sometimes doing this work on this end of the microphone, not looking at anybody or seeing anybody, and wondering if this is landing, like wondering if this is helping. So if you wanna give me a review, I would be forever grateful. I really do check ’em now, and, and I’m looking. So, all right. Thanks so much for being here. I’ll see you all next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pay and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.