428: My Move to the Beach and How to Change Your Mind

Is Betsy moving to the beach? Inquiring minds want to know. Tune in to get the update, and remember that changing course isn’t failure or indecisiveness it’s just listening to oneself, and that not knowing yet isn’t being stuck. It’s important to remain open as we evolve. Decisions can be amended, updated to reflect our needs and wants as we grow. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. This is gonna be sort of a shorter show, a shorter episode, and the reason… Well, the reason is ’cause there’s not a lot to talk about with this, but I did wanna give a really important update. You know, I, I had this thought and I wanted to share it with you. It’s kind of a follow-up to an episode that I did a few months ago. If you remember, we talked about how I make big decisions, and I went through, , this whole thought process. And one of the things that I had decided to do in that episode, and I talked about it in the birthday Q&A episode, was moving to the beach, to Florida specifically. And I think in the big decision episode, it was, I was really heavily leaning towards California. Anyway, a few days ago, yesterday maybe, I posted on Instagram that I had come to the realization about the beach and that I felt like I was sort of grieving. And a lot of people messaged me. , I was surprised how many people messaged me and said, “Wait, are you not moving to the beach? What’s happening?” And so I thought maybe we need to do a little update, because I’m certainly not trying to hi- As you know, I tell all the things. And one of the things about this episode, and I think with my social media, and I think just with me in general, is that I tell- things in real time. Like, uh, you know, unless it’s something painful, I wait until I’ve processed those things. But, , if it’s something that I’m actively working on, I think that’s sort of the beauty of this show, right? Is that as things are being in development, w- I share and we talk about them, and I’m noodling through things. And so I wanna talk about this a little bit, … So let’s talk, let’s start from the episode where I talked about big decisions. And man, did I feel like California was the place. In fact, I still do. If somebody came down with a magic wand and said, “There will be no loss, only positive. Where would you like to go?” I would absolutely say I wanna go to California. But there is loss, and there is trade-offs to things. And when I really weighed things from , like, from the place where I am standing, California felt too big. I actually questioned, is it a nervous system thing? , Is it just my nervous system saying I can’t handle that? But I absolutely believe I can handle that. I, I don’t think it was that, and I’m, I’m gonna get into some pieces of this, ’cause it all plays out. But at that time, I, feel like there is one aspect of this that’s financial, and I am d- of the belief, and I stand by this, that financial things work themselves out. I really don’t have a lot of fear. I probably need, I probably need a little healthier amount of fear around finances, and I just believe everything works itself out. I, , it always has, it always does. I just don’t worry about it. , I had a friend that reached out to me, , I don’t know, a month or six weeks ago, and she said, “I have accumulated some business debt, and I’m really stressing out about it.” And I said, “Just don’t look at it.” Just don’t look at it. And she was like, “Well, no, I mean, I…” And I said, “Yeah, I mean, it, it is going to be there whether you look at it or not, but you looking at it is making you feel like crap, and when you feel like crap, you’re not gonna be creating more of it. So why don’t we just not look at it for a little while? Or if you feel like you have to look at it, like, block off 15 minutes every night and think about it. But other than that, don’t think about it. It’s not helping you.” And that’s just been my philosophy, so I just don’t worry about stuff. I know that there are thousands and thousands of people that live in California and figure out the finances, so I know I can too. That wasn’t my worry. There was a little bit of a worry of how I structure my business, some of the ways that I have contractors I couldn’t necessarily have in that way in California. But also there was a point of if I’m making really good s- sound decisions as a 55-year-old woman, it would be a different sound decision financially if I was a 30-year-old woman. , My runway would be different. And when I looked at what I was would be paying in taxes, the difference in the taxes was substantial, taxes on my business. And I thought, you know, is it worth looking for other places just in case there’s another place that I would like just as well? But I wanna tell you that the financial piece really wasn’t the clincher for me, ’cause All that stuff is figure-out-able. Here was the clincher. And I’m gonna make this as simple, , when I describe it as I can, but then we’ll dive into it a little bit, but- I grew up on the East Coast. I’ve always wanted to live on the West Coast, but I grew up on the East Coast. My father is 85 years old, and he lives on the East Coast. All my friends from high school that are my closest friends, they all live on the East Coast, in New England, most of them. My son lives on the East Coast, and the thought, although he is great, he’s 24, he’s doing well, although the thought of moving felt really fun, the thought of being in a place where I could get home without… Like, I could get in my car and get to any one of those people felt really important to me. And when I thought about living on the West Coast and having to… Like, you know, it wasn’t even like I’d have to buy a $1,500 plane ticket, although I would, to get home. And so if I wanted to come home every month, that would be a substantial thing to plan. If somebody was sick or somebody needed me, you know, , to move away at, like, was a whole other layer. So this is what… So those two things are the things that I was like, “Okay, so let me just start taking a look.” And I started looking, and I’m telling you, like, when I say I st- When I say I was looking, , I wasn’t just, , looking at a map. I was going… I, I went all the way around the coast of Florida, and I used YouTube and I used realtors’ videos. So you can find a realtor anywhere you wanna go, and they will do walking tours. They will show apartment buildings. They will show streets and parking lots. I mean, you can find, , a map of the world on YouTube. So- I went all the way down the coast. Besides the fact that I have been to… My dad lived in Florida for 30 years. My step brothers and sisters lived in Florida. , I, I’m very familiar with Florida. , But I checked out all the little places that I might wanna look at, and what I finally decided was I really wanted to be near an airport, like a bigger airport, and I wanted to be in a place where it was a blue dot. You know,, Florida is a red state, and it was important for me to find like-minded people that I could live near and be friends with. Now, I don’t need everybody to think just like me. That’s not what I’m saying, but I do have a trans son, and I wanted to be able to have him come visit in a place where he felt comfortable and loved and supported. And so, you know, I finally decided. I was like, St. Pete seems like a really great place. It’s a blue dot in a red state. It’s near a big airport in Tampa. I have some people that I know that live nearby. My neighbor here in Atlanta used to live there, and we went out to lunch, and she… We pulled out the map, and she gave me all the places to look at. And I planned that trip for my birthday to go down, and I’m, was so sure, I was so sure that I was gonna go down there that weekend and find an apartment. I planned to give notice at my apartment in just a couple days, like July 1st, so then I would move in August, ’cause I have to give two months’ notice. And I was so sure, I bought a plane ticket to go to London. You know, I’m going to London in November, and I bought the plane ticket from Tampa. , That’s how certain I was based on all the research I had done, how I was feeling, everything. So I bought a plane ticket, and I was like, “I’m going down there. I’m gonna find my apartment, figure out where I wanna live. I’m gonna give my notice, break my lease, and I’m gonna move in August after my retreat in Belize in July.” And I felt really good and aligned, and I went down there, and I really had the best time. I met a friend of mine down there, and I mean, I r- I really am so grateful I went down, We went everywhere. Like, we went everywhere, drove everywhere, checked every little place out, and I just couldn’t find a place that, felt right. I felt like I was trying to fit into something that didn’t have room for who I am becoming. And I want to explain something about that, ’cause I think this is where a lot of times we get stuck, is we make a decision, you know, we make a plan, and we commit to it. And then when we get there, or when we get close, we feel something that tells us this isn’t it. And instead of listening to that feeling, we push harder. We try to convince ourselves. We gaslight ourselves, right? And we say, like, “Well, I already decided. I already bought a plane ticket. I already told people. I already started.” But that feeling, that is not a sign that you failed to plan right. It’s not a sign that you’re indecisive. It’s your intuition. And you know what’s the weirdest thing, is I got off the plane, I got in my rental car, and I drove right to a hotel by the airport, and I spent the night, and in the morning, I drove into St. Pete and I called my friend Molly and I said, “This place can’t hold me.” That’s the… I know that’s a weird thing to say, but I was like, “This… It isn’t… This isn’t the place.” Like, I knew, , right away Ugh. And I tried to find other places, and it’s funny, my friend Kim was driving me around, and when we got to the marina area, I perked up a little. She was like, “This is the first time I’ve seen you, like, really sit up and, like, look around.” But I found myself saying things like, “Oh, but in Atlanta we have that.” , I was comparing it a lot to Atlanta. And so I, I really wanted it to work, but I recognized that feeling I had, that’s the feeling that I listen to, and it’s not a sign that I failed to plan. . It’s not a sign that I’m indecisive. It was my intuition. It was, it was me. It was the version of me that I am becoming was saying, “Hey, wait a minute. This doesn’t fit anymore.” And I think there was a version of me that really wanted to move to the beach, , for a decade. M- I mean, more than a decade, but really hyper-focused on it for a decade. There was a version of me that had decided it, and that version was real. I, wasn’t making that up. But here’s what I think really happened over the last year, is I grew. I changed. I became a lot different, and I have a level of decisiveness that I’ve never had before. And the version of me, the one who made the plan, she doesn’t exist anymore exactly like she was. And I don’t mean that in, , like a spiritual, like we’re, we’re all constantly evolving, you know? Although, I believe we are all constantly evolving, but I mean this in a really practical way too. The things that matter to me now are not the same things that mattered to me five, six years ago. The space that I need, the word space, maybe we need to define that. I’m talking about an energetic space, and I don’t know how to explain that other than I hope you know what I mean by that. But like the energetic space that I need has gotten bigger, and the kind of life that I really wanna be living is clearer. And when I went down there and I felt that space and I realized that it was lovely, amazing, beautiful, awesome, and I realized that it didn’t have room for all of me. I wasn’t rejecting the plan, but I was honoring what I know now that I actually need. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s like this part that’s, that’s really important is that I didn’t fail because I changed my mind. I succeeded because I listened, and this was a really important lesson. I think it was like a pivotal point in my whole journey There was a version of me that wanted to live at the beach, and that version of me doesn’t exist anymore. She’s dead. There’s a version of me that lives now, and maybe it’ll still be at the beach, but it won’t be anywhere that I thought, and I have to give space instead of trying to push this. And I think when we’re trying to make big decisions, I’m not making this change. I’m not changing my mind. I’m not even saying never. I’m just saying the way I was doing it, it’s not right. Something’s not right. And I have done a lot of pushing in my life, and I have pushed when something didn’t feel right because I thought that the pushing was the same as being committed. I thought that it meant that I was being brave. I thought it meant that I wasn’t being flaky. I don’t ever wanna be flaky or indecisive. And it is possible to be brave and also to not force something that doesn’t have to be forced right now. You know, my lease isn’t up until mid-February. I could break it pretty easily. It was like two grand to break it, which I really don’t wanna spend two grand either. , If… I’m not, uh, dying in love with where I wanna go that I can’t even wait one more minute. , I d- it’s not like I got two grand to blow. I could. I could push. I could try to make the Florida thing work anyway. I could say, “I’m just gonna go down for a year,” and schlep all my stuff down. Half of it’ll probably get broken in the move. Y- you know how it goes. But the version of me, the one who knows how to listen, she said, “No.” She said, “You don’t actually have to do that. You can stay. You can think about this. You can explore. You can check out California again with new eyes.” When I went home to Vermont a couple weeks ago, all my girlfriends live, , in New York City. . All of them live in New England. All of my friends from growing up, my really good friend Molly that I went to Morocco with earlier this year, New York City. My best friend from growing up, New York City. , One of my other really good friends that I talk to all the time, have for years, New York City. Like, maybe it’s New York City. Maybe I could just stay in Atlanta. I could, my lease could end and I could go month to month., I don’t have to know right now. And I want you to hear this in case you’re in the middle of a big decision, right? Not knowing right now is not the same as being stuck. I have struggled with this ’cause I’m like, “Oh, I wanna know. I wanna know,” because I’m looking forward to where it is. But when I went to Vermont, I recognized that one of the things that was so great about being home was my friends. It was being with people that knew me forever. It was, it was f- like just feeling like I could, I could sleep. I know that’s a weird thing. Like, I could just felt like I could just …, my friend Heather, I just wanted to be like, “Can I sit on your lap? Like, I just need to rest.” And I, it was that feeling of being carried by people we love. And then I think about my son. He’s totally fine if I leave. He’s “Leave. Go to California.” I mean, he’s encouraging me. And we also do a lot of things together. We run out for tacos once a week. We share chicken salad when I buy too much chicken salad. , There are really good things in that, too. And I think before I did this whole experiment, I was overlooking some of the really good things in my life. And so, you know, sometimes listening to yourself means appreciating where you are. Sometimes it means slowing down. Sometimes it means, let me just feel into this thing a little bit longer. Let me see what else is available. Let me not force something because I’m afraid of not, of looking like I changed my mind, you know? So I decided the people who think you’re gonna be flaky for changing your mind are not the people who need to be in your life. The people who matter … And I’ll tell you, nobody thinks I’m flaking. The, uh, and the messages I all got w- like, were so nice and supportive. People were , genuinely interested. Like, “How are you doing this? What’s happening?” But the people who matter, the people who love you, the people who get it, they get it. They understand that you’re listening to yourself, and if they don’t get it yet, that’s okay, too. But I want you to know something. You have the capacity to know yourself better than anyone. Your intuition knows what fits and what doesn’t fit, and I think our bodies know when something is too small or doesn’t have the room for who you’re becoming. And the thing that took me so long to understand is that it is not arrogant to listen to that energetic bubble. It’s actually the most honest thing I think you can do for yourself. It’s telling yourself, hey, your feelings matter here, your f- your needs matter. And,, if you’ve been here for a while and you even if you just listened to the birthday episode and you heard me talking about how I was told a lot as a young woman after my mom died, you know, that my feelings didn’t matter, that my needs didn’t really matter. Other people’s needs mattered more, and I believed that for a long time, and I don’t believe that anymore. And so what’s the best way to honor and to, prove to my nervous system that that’s not true? Is to pause. I’m not gonna pretend something fits when it doesn’t just so I can prove that I can stick to a plan. So I’m staying in Atlanta for right now. I’m staying in my apartment. I’m staying open to what comes, and I’m really, really glad that I went down to Florida. I’m really glad that I tested it. I’m really glad I got to hang out with my friend Kim. I’m gonna go back down probably more times than not, and I’m so pleased with myself because now I know. I know what fits and what doesn’t, and maybe that will fit later. Maybe I’ll go down and visit Kim, and then I’ll be like, “You know what? I can see my life here.” But that’s how you get clarity. , That’s how you get information, you know? That’s a, a big difference, I think, between trying to live the life you thought you should have, ’cause for decades I thought that was the life I should have. The moment … I remember we were driving. Kim and I were driving, and I remember thinking like, “I have dreamt of this moment of having the choice to say, ‘I’m coming here. I’m gonna live here. I’m gonna be able to drive to the ocean in 10 minutes.'” , I have dreamt of that, but the actuality of that it, it, something wasn’t quite right yet. Yet. You know when something feels right and when it doesn’t, and your job is just to listen. My job is just to trust the feeling enough to act on it, even when it doesn’t look like how you thought it was gonna look., But I think that there also has been a lot of grief around that. I think I came home, it’s, I’ve been home now for a month, having this realization, am I ever gonna go to the beach? Is the beach the place? , I never, m- I never imagined the beach, , in the cold. Like, I never imagined, like, Maine being my beach. Do you know what I mean? It was always, , tropical beach, warmer beach, Florida at least, ? And so I think there’s been a grieving because I’m recognizing and I had such a realization that the version of me that l- lived there, is kinda gone, you know? And I, I think there was, like, some sadness in that. I had to… You know, I, I always say, like, when we get divorced, we have to let go of this version of us or this version of our lives that we thought we would have, and I felt like that’s what was happening to me. , I was re- I was really grieving it. It was like on that one podcast with Joy when we recorded the Q&A for my birthday, I was crying, I was so overjoyed. And now, like, I, I, now I’m crying ’cause it’s not what I thought. And, a- a- and here’s the thing, I’m open to anything, and I’m gonna stop- I’m just gonna … I, I guess I’ll say it like this. I’m gonna just become hyper-aware. I’m just gonna be being for a while. I’m gonna notice what lights me up. I made a list ’cause I was like, “What do, what do I want?” And I made a list, and I made sure that the list didn’t include anything that I could discount. So this is what I would do. I would say, , “I wanna have, I wanna be by the beach, but I need to be near a big airport. , I, I wanna be near, on the ocean, but I need to be in a place where I could potentially afford to buy someplace.” So everything has these caveats. So I was like, “I wanna make a list.” Like, I want, I want a screened-in porch for my cat. That’s what I want. I wanna be able to drive to someplace where I feel inspired. I want to be able to feel like I can … Like I belong. I wanna feel rooted. One of the things I noticed when I was in Florida was that I really wanted to This is gonna sound silly, but I really wanted to be able to wear winter jackets. , I grew up in Vermont, like 10 minutes from the Canadian border. , I wanted to be able to, to have seasons. And I got there, and it was my birthday weekend, and it was so hot down there. And although I loved it, I thought, “Could I live in it?” Everything changed. So I started just making lists of, this feels good. It feels good to think about having a big patio for my cat. It feels good to have a place where I have close friendships, the kind where you can open the door and say, “Hey,” and not have to knock, you know? It feels good to have … And so I just started making the list and not worrying if it contradicted anything else on the list. I just made my list, and I’m adding to the list, and the list is just the things that feel good. Will I get all the things? Well, that’d be great, but I don’t know that life works that way. There is grief. There is loss in everything. If I go to the beach, I’m losing things in Atlanta, and if I stay in Atlanta, I’m losing the dream of the beach. But now I realize that maybe the vision, maybe the dream is shifted a little bit, and so I’m gonna just let that be. I’m gonna let that be what it is. I’m in no rush. Life is just waiting for me, and I know that when we go through something big like this, it means there’s something really amazing coming, and I’m gonna just let that thing come without trying to push or control it. Ah. And when you can do that, I think that is when you live a big life. All right. Thanks so much for being here this week. Thanks for being on this journey. I’m open to idea- if you live in a beautiful place and you’re like, “You should come visit,” let me know, ’cause I will check it out. I will add it to my list, and we’ll, we’ll see how it all unfolds. All right. See you guys next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.