#44: I am seen, so I am*, with Paul van Heeswijk

Send us Fan MailA child breaks a window and the adults don’t rush to punishment. They sit with him, gather as a team, and ask a harder question: what have we been missing in his communication? That single moment opens up a deeper way to understand trauma, behaviour, and what “care” actually looks like when it’s done well. We’re joined by Paul Van Heeswijk, a highly experienced child psychotherapist and former consultant to the Cotswold Community. Paul shares the stories that shaped his practice, from early encounters with the deschooling movement to a formative visit to Cotswold and the influence of Donald Winnicott and Barbara Dockar-Drysdale. Along the way we unpack big ideas in plain language: behaviour as a request for something needed, mirroring and integration, and why teams often see different “parts” of the same child. We also get practical about the adults. Trauma-informed practice in residential care, foster care, schools, and CAMHS demands more than goodwill. Paul explains how children can pull carers into powerful roles, why reflective spaces help staff de-roll and reset, and how co-regulation sits beneath everything from Winnicott’s thinking to modern polyvagal theory. The closing message is a strong one: if we want better outcomes for children, we must invest in the adults who hold the work. If this conversation helps you rethink behaviour, care, and presence, please subscribe, share it with a colleague, and leave a review so more people can find Secure Start.Paul's Bio:Paul qualified as a Child Psychotherapist in 1981and is a Member of the Association of Child Psychotherapists. He was a Member of the Bowlby Centre until he retired in 2024. Paul worked in Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services and Child Psychiatry in London since 1981, including a Tier 4 Eating Disorders Unit between 2009 and 2014.Between 1991 and 2000 Paul was Consultant Psychotherapist to the Cotswold Community. He has also consulted to several other Social Care Organisations in Ireland and the UK, and to Foster Care Agencies in England.Links:Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TheSecureStartPodcastPodcast Blog Site: https://thesecurestartpodcast.com/Disclaimer: Information reported by guests of this podcast is assumed to be accurate as stated. Podcast owner Colby Pearce is not responsible for any error of facts presented by podcast guests. In addition, unless otherwise specified, opinions expressed by guests of this podcast may not reflect those of the podcast owner, Colby Pearce. Finally, all references to case examples are anonymised to the extent that the actual case could not be identified, or are fictional but based on real-life examples for illustrative purposes, or have client consent to talk about in an educative context.*Attributed to Donald WinnicottSupport the show