49 The Secret Impact of our Shame on our Sexuality

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Resilient Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!  That's right, in this new year we have a new name, and it's fitting because we have broadened our scope to do so much more than help you, our listeners deal with the Coronavirus Crisis.  When this started out. Coping skills, build resilience, not alone-- crisis management.  Now a long crisis.  Now not just about making it through the coronavirus crisisNow we are really about increasing resilience through transformation -- a radical transformation of self, overcoming anything that gets in the way of us loving God our Father and Mary our Mother with the trust and dependence of a little child. Resilience from a Catholic perspectiveAnd there are both great similarities and great differences in resilience understood from a Catholic Perspective and Resilience from a secular perspectiveResilience through Human formation --  a lot more to say about this in the future. We are still all about rising up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview.    I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 49, released on January 4, 2021and it is titled: The secret impact of our shame on our sexualityThis is the 13th and final episode in our series on shame.  We are wrapping up that series, but we will be coming back to shame over and over again in future episodes, because of how central it is in our lives.  This is also the first episode on a new series of episodes, a new series all about sexuality.  We are going to spend time on sexuality and in the coming weeks we will address many topics, including masturbation, pornography, adulterous affairs, pre-marital sex, asexuality, homosexuality, and sexual trauma and its effects.  And we're going to get into the topic of sexuality the same way we do with all the topics on this podcast. We assume that what the Catholic Church has always infallibly taught to be true is indeed true, and then starting from that theological, philosophical and metaphysical base, we bring in the best of what psychology offers.  And we harmonize the best of psychology with what we know  to be true by Divine Revelation.  Here we don't try to reshape Catholicism to fit the latest and greatest woke ideas from the world about sexuality.  So I will be coming from that Catholic base.  And that is a minority position in psychology -- if you want to know what the latest trends and beliefs are in the secular psychology community you can check out the guidelines that the American Psychological Association puts out on its website APA.org. This podcast is for people who really want to understand psychology harmonized with the perennial teaching of the Catholic church And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error.  Please get in touch with me at [email protected] or at 317.567.9594.  Citations -- Catechism, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic DogmaDon't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that masturbation is normal and God doesn't mind it all.  That's not helpful.   Sexuality is such a huge and complex issue and so confusing for people.  One of the two most difficult topics for people to discuss.  The other one?  My relationship God, how I see God, all the personal or lack of personal connection with Jesus, with God our Father, with the Holy Spirit, with Mary, our Mother. Sexuality is difficult and confusing for so many reasons Shame is at the center -- hard to talk about this because it is so personal and so intimate, and often so bound up with shame.  Sexuality not talked about, not discussed Modeling from parents -- conveyed a sense of embarrassment No modeling from others Deep feelings of incompetence, not knowing, not understanding Not sure about what is normal and not normal, what is morally acceptable, what is not Not wanting to embarrass a spouse or fiancé or girlfriend or boyfriend Not wanting to make the listener uncomfortable Not sure if the other person -- like a therapist -- will respect Catholic beliefs. Many clients reach out to Catholic therapists because of this fear -- if I am struggling with porn use or masturbation will this therapist inwardly mock my beliefs -- or outwardly say that masturbation is normal and porn use can enhance one's sexual experience.  Many clients are afraid to disclose to a Catholic therapist their sexual experiences, for fear of being judged -- two-edged sword Some grounds for that -- some Catholic therapists are uncomfortable with hearing, may feel undue pressure to make sure some change happens,  May be overly concerned with their own "participation" in some way with sexual material coming up.  Not know what to do, and signal to the client that it's better "not to go there."  Sexuality part and parcel of our bodies, all about our bodies Body keeps the Score -- body is where we tend to hide all kinds of unresolved psychological issues Catholics often hold Manichean and Jansenist ideas about the body.  Catholics who are serious about their faith often have a propensity to start with self-judgement and self-condemnation, like at the end of a trial, without really understanding themselves well. Internal self-shaming And all of this makes sense, makes sense, because almost all of us Catholic adults have sinned sexually.  Review of Shame (Episodes 37, 38 for full picture) Shame is:  a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal,  a judgement, and an action. (Click to episode 38 for a summary) Qualities of shame Shame is hidden.  Hidden from others, hidden from God, often hidden from the therapist, hidden from self.    Shame inhibits positive emotions And a Catholic view of sexuality, in which sexuality is ordered to what is good, true and beautiful is so different than what the world offers us. Moral issues Stating a standard -- even reading a Bible passage can be considered hate speech.  Cancel culture.  Rule based rather than relationship-based approaches So many needs and messages being expressed