#49: Who Counts As A Trauma Survivor When No One Sees You, with Ruth Clare

Send us Fan MailSome children live through severe developmental trauma in plain sight, then grow up to find they are missing from the research, the services, and the stories we tell about “who trauma happens to”. I sit down with Ruth Clare, author, TEDx speaker, and intergenerational trauma educator, to talk about what it means to grow up as the child of a traumatised Vietnam veteran in a home shaped by family violence and addiction, and why children of veterans are still treated like a footnote rather than a category that deserves targeted support. We unpack how many child safety and mental health systems quietly depend on a functional adult to report harm, advocate, and follow through, and what happens when every adult freezes or looks away. Ruth shares why compassion is easier when trauma looks like sadness, and why it becomes much harder when trauma shows up as anger, defiance, or volatility. From there, we turn to the places where support can actually be embedded, especially schools, and why an integrated model matters when children spend most of their time either at home or in the classroom. Ruth also brings practical nervous system science into the conversation, including the Dan Siegel hand brain model and the moment the thinking brain goes offline. We talk through accessible regulation tools, how neurodivergence can overlap with trauma-like reactivity, and why “strictness” can escalate threat responses rather than create learning. We finish on funding and reform: how to trial new programs like Parenting After Trauma and its 4R model, and why supporting teachers and carers is one of the fastest paths to safer kids. If this resonates, subscribe and share the episode with someone working with children, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations. What would change in your workplace if asking direct questions about safety was everyone’s job?Ruth's BioRuth Clare is an author, TEDx speaker and intergenerational trauma educator whose work bridges research, nervous system science and lived experience.Author of three books, Ruth's award-winning memoir Enemy (Penguin, 2016), tells the story of growing up as the daughter of a traumatised Vietnam veteran in a home marked by family violence and addiction. Her TEDx talk has over 600,000 views. Ruth's work is dedicated to preventing children growing up in families like hers from falling through the gaps.With a background in biochemistry and communications, Ruth translates complex trauma research into practical tools and psychoeducation for individuals, practitioners and organisations. She is the developer of Parenting After Trauma (PAT), a structured group program for trauma-affected parents in veteran and first responder families, built around her original Four R model: Recognition, Regulation, Repair, and Reframing.Links:Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TheSecureStartPodcastPodcast Blog Site: https://thesecurestartpodcast.com/Disclaimer: Information reported by guests of this podcast is assumed to be accurate as stated. Podcast owner Colby Pearce is not responsible for any error of facts presented by podcast guests. In addition, unless otherwise specified, opinions expressed by guests of this podcast may not reflect those of the podcast owner, Colby Pearce. Finally, all references to case examples are anonymised to the extent that the actual case could not be identified, or are fictional but based on real-life examples for illustrative purposes.Support the show