501: Ask David: Help! Relentless Anger–Nothing Works! Is Freedom of Speech a "Need?" Or "Want?"

Ask David: Help! Relentless Anger! Nothing Works! Is Freedom of Speech a "Need?" Hosts: Kevin Cornelius, LMFT Dr. David Burns Guest: Dr. Rhonda Barovsky Today I am thrilled to be working with our new host for the Feeling Good Podcast, Mr. Kevin Cornelius, a dear friend and brilliant therapist who works as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at the Feeling Good Institute in Mt. View, California. Today, Keven starts a multi-podcast trial as our new host to find out how he likes the new position, and how you, are audience feel. It will be hard for anyone to fill Rhonda's shoes, of course, but Kevin brings his own combination of warmth, charm, and brilliance to the show. I hope you like the new show! Let us know what you think! Today, we address three questions: Question #1: How do you deal with a "relentlessly angry" patient who does not respond to the five secrets of effective communication? Question #2: How can I deal with a patient who may have been triggered by my phone call when I had to change l a scheduled session? Question #3: Zach asks if freedom of speech is a "want" or a "need." Hi David and Kevin: I have cleared my schedule so I can be there to support Kevin in his first podcast,. I have two questions for the Ask David podcast: 1.) How do you handle a "relentlessly angry" patient? By that I mean, one of your patient's is upset with you, you respond with a skillful 5-secrets response and yet they continue being angry with you, even screaming at you for 30 minutes. David's comment: The discussion of this excellent question got a little heated, as David pointed out that in his experience, when people say "I tried the Five Secrets and it didn't work," 100% of the time they did not actually do a skillful job with the Five Secrets. David asked for the familiar format: What is ONE thing the (angry) patient said, and what, EXACTLY, did you say next? Put this on a Relationship Journal and you will be able to spot your errors right away. David reports that this format does tend to anger people who don't want to have to examine their own role in a relationship problem. The idea that they may have botched the Five Secrets appears to be deeply disturbing, hence the heated discussion today. 2.) How do you handle what is happening "in the here and now" immediate moment, the here and now, with your patient? For example, I had to change an appointment with a patient, she became really angry, and then cancelled her next appointment. One of my colleagues suggested that my patient might have felt triggered when I cancelled the appointment. My colleague suggested I talk to her about what happened when I asked her to change the appointment because if she felt abandoned by me she might have the same experience with other people. How would I bring up what is happening in our relationship with my patient, that they may also experience in other relationships? I could probably think of a few more, Rhonda 3) Dear Dr. Burns, Hello. I hope this message finds you well. I'm writing to ask you a question that has been on my mind. You have mentioned before that freedom of speech is an important part of your value system. I'm curious about how you would frame it psychologically: do you see freedom of speech more as a want, or as a need? Relatedly, for people living in non-democratic countries, do you think it is still possible to achieve a high level of happiness without freedom of speech? I would greatly appreciate your thoughts when you have the time. Thank you very much for your work and for sharing your perspectives. Warm regards, Zack David's Comment: This led to a lively discussion and a consensus on our panel today. We decided that freedom of speech is a great thing, and a strong want, but not a "need." David added: "I am certain that you can find happiness by focusing on the things most important to you, but no one can be happy all the time. We desperately WANT, but definitely do not NEED, freedom of speech. Of course, you can say, "we need it to have a fully functioning democracy," and that is true, but it true by definition. Kevin, Rhonda, and David thank you for listening today. Again, let us know what you think! Let Us Know What You Think of This Episode Please use this link to take a very brief survey and share your opinion with us about this episode Contact Information Kevin Cornelius, LMFT is a Level 5 Certified Master TEAM-CBT Therapist and Trainer and the Clinical Director of Feeling Good Institute--Silicon Valley. He specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, relationship problems and insomnia. You can reach Kevin at [email protected] and visit his website at www.tools4change.me. Dr. Rhonda Barovsky is a Level 5 Certified TEAM-CBT Master Therapist and Trainer and specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. Check out her website: www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com. You can reach Dr. Burns at [email protected]. Feeling down in these turbulent times? Take a ride on our Feeling Great app. Feeling Great feels wonderful! You owe it to yourself to feel GREAT! Give the Greatest Gifts of ALL--Love and Happiness!