Hey, this is Red Man and you are listening to Kill Tony check out our website death squad dot TV There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates You can come see us live every Monday. We're at the Vulcan gas company here in Austin, Texas But we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also so go to death squad dot TV and click on tour dates Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad TV. There you have to kill Tony shirt Death squad shirts hats everything at shop squad dot TV Ryan J He is the house artist he draws every episode He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff go to Ryan J Ebell dot com and last but not least Tony Hinchcliffe dot com for everything golden pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Austin, Texas, it's Monday right here make some fucking noise. We're doing it Look red bands here everybody.
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We are here you are here In Austin, Texas every single week I have a couple of the best comedians in the world on this show this show started at the comedy store over eight years ago There's no other podcast that has taped as many live episodes as we have and we're now here in Austin And for that you get rewarded tonight by two comedy store icons and two of my favorite comedians in the world ladies and gentlemen Eleanor Carrigan and Joe Rogan everybody. Oh Shit oh shit Wow look at you. Look at your faces. Come on get in here Eleanor Carrigan and Joe Rogan are here This is kill Tony Live in Austin, Texas absolutely incredible you guys have been guests multiple times Eleanor Carrigan just released her first special everybody Ladylike available now absolutely everywhere So such an exciting thing good Eleanor J Carrigan calm and listen to it support her She helped me get my job at the comedy store fucking over 14 years ago She was a waitress at the comedy store for 16 years before starting 12 12 years before starting stand-up comedy basically with me right in 2007 Yeah, 14 years.
I'm doing it. So look at us brothers and sisters Can you just show everybody you have the American flag printed? It is true. These are my notes.
I figure if you're gonna write on paper, why not do it right? My favorite part about this American papers that was made in China. They do it good. You know right on the flag So I'm pretty excited.
This is new paper. Thanks for noticing Joe Joe Rogan of the JRE the podcast welcome back Joe we've had a lot of fun Here it'll be here it'll be here you're with us on episode 500 at the Paramount Theater here in Austin We've been having fun. What number you I know this is five I 21 yes, yeah, I think it's close probably yeah, we've done it every week every Monday except for two in May for some weird reason I don't even remember what happened. We don't need a dog about that.
That was also those problems were also made in China You know what I mean everybody? And we have begun Everybody over a hundred people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight They you know their time is up and you're the sign of a kitten that means they did 60 seconds of stand-up comedy and their time is up They have to wrap it up then or they're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear So that's how it works. You're gonna see people do comedy tonight is that exciting everyone and then we talk to them afterwards We find out more about them about their lives and figure out what's exciting about them and insanity will ensue So let's start the show before we go to the bucket Why don't we bring one of our regulars up here? We have three people in town that do a brand new minute every single week It's a very very hard thing to do in Santa comedy sounds easy, but it's not these guys make it look easy your first comedian your first regular tonight originally from New York moved to Chicago took over the entire improv scene there was the one the highest ranked members of second city of all time and Got diagnosed with ALS and decided to chase his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian ladies and gentlemen this kicking off tonight a brand new minute from the great Michael Lehrer everybody Guys this is Austin Texas, this is kill Tony you gotta make more noise for Michael Lehrer everybody The world is changing people He used to be always better on black now It's always been on I do a couple in the making my middle Hey to the people of life he understand channel my inner spirit do not give up Tender you can no longer control your force Hey Back, but who gives a fuck we got school board meetings.
Yeah, I want to see a bunch of angry duds She take care of an with the PTA present in its eye Yeah, she's trying to help her kids the only thing good about the Delta variant is somehow Some way to nor is he scanning residuals Michael Lehrer everybody very rarely does he take a shirt off. This is exciting. He's basically for those of you just listening to the podcast He's pretty much a naked right now. Oh, this is like hurt pressure His story Randy Street mother fuckers.
Ah Repin rainy street. We've seen this before that is indeed where he lives rainy street is a street made of bars And Michael Lehrer lives there as if he didn't have enough temptations in life to worry about Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm going through some shit and once in a while. I like to take the edge off Love it Michael.
Yeah, I'm a Tony is already in a rough, but I really wanted to come here today to expose Hans Kim. Oh Wow Confidential and I'm telling you can tell that it's serious because the letters start big and they get smaller as they get closer to the PTA He really I could tell he did this himself The end looks like a drawing of the United States of America You can tell that is indeed Michael Lehrer's handwriting or footwriting. I'm not sure how he does it really Confidential oh my goodness. This is a weird perhaps Confidential spelled like King Kong.
I do believe that's a reference to Stive stick. Oh Shitty dropped it. That's it. Thank you.
I called the name. I'm kidding. All right, yo Hi, skin is a fraud and it's fully all you and I moved here to get pussy and he's getting all the pussy Hans Kim is indeed. This is a fact.
Hans is getting all the fuss. I mean look at me It's pushing hi skin is not his real name. His government name is Come on some young guy. Oh Michael come on.
Why would you do that to poor Hans? That is his name? Hey? I'm done Michael Lehrer ladies and gentlemen in and out very silly once a night for Michael That's just silly.
It's barely got any clothes on Alright One more time for the great Michael Lehrer everybody. He's doing it You got a love a guy the closer he gets to dying the more clothes he takes off every week I don't know what's gonna happen next week. There's not much left You guys ready for your first bucket pull of the night anything can happen here. These are people They're scattered in the backpack there Make some noise for your first comedian tonight.
She goes by the name of Audrey Scott everyone. This is a new minute from Audrey Scott Thank you so much. I've tried to watch my diet and one thing I always say away from our breadcrumbs because that's just for the birds I wasn't sure if that'd be funny or not but ducate quack. I have a girlfriend who keeps getting back together with the same guy So I got you only get back together when I complain about him.
So she called me the other day. She's like oh my god He's gaslighting me and I think she should be more grateful because if I had a man to light his parts on fire in front of my face I would marry him the same night Sadly, I'm still single no one's done that for me yet and as much as I love being respected by a man a woman Hater always knows how to massage a knee. I'm pro choice I believe that women should have the right to choose to have a life or choose to take care of one But if you choose to take care of one don't leave it in the back to give your car with the windows rolled up Every time I see this I'll walk up to the window break it in pull out my gun and shoot the baby in the face Because someone has to put this baby out his misery. Thank you.
All right Audrey Scott everybody. Hell yeah She's dressed like the comedy store, but she doesn't write like she's from the comedy store Welcome, how are you Audrey even on the show before I have how long even when stand up two years counting covid this month? So yeah, all right two years all of it here in Texas. No, I moved from Virginia a little less than two months ago All right.
Yeah, okay. Is there a big scene in Virginia? I was the only one running on my city for a year There was more going on before covid, but after covid my town was so small I was kind of rough for the people are doing comedy before Hand to come back out. What do you think about the what do you guys think about Audrey Scott here?
This is a I'm not asking you guys the audience. I'm asking a Joe and Eleanor with it. They think about Audrey What do you guys think of that performance? Eleanor's audience is saying well done.
That's not what I guess the guests are just gonna let the audience decide on this one That's I think that's the way of being nice. I'm being nice. I'm being that she said that was well done That's nice. That must be one of your friends where oh, thank you so much.
Whoever said that you ever do any of those jokes before Yeah, you do you like those jokes? The guys like when I wrote that last week, so I'm working that one out the misogyny I just was staring at people and rubbing my knee I just in the breadcrumbs Yeah Yeah a lot of a lot of cheese. Yeah, it was like red bands refrigerator. There was just a very products What do you do for work Audrey?
Nothing so How do you make money? How do you survive? Every now and then I do shows for ten dollars and it's great You know if you do two shows on a week that means you make $20 Wow No, I just Think I will I'm gonna save in this one. I'm trying to do Did you see only fans Audrey up here?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry questions from the audience What's your living situation that you can survive off of $20 a week? So I just moved in with my friend Kristi Nova here at Lady Rent is very affordable and it's a very nice house very happy to be there $60 a month You math wizard that's not even the right now if you multiply that by 10 then yes So what 600 month, okay, so how do you get that money?
Oh, I'm gonna save this one. She lets guys practice tattoos on her Look at the bong one You have a bomb on your bicep buzz your dad it'd be so upset Even if you get a fucking bomb I'm not that bad. You only need to have lava lamps have bombs I might have long my own money. Yeah, it's all the same Thank you for recognizing that he was my biggest writing inputs We got me your biggest writing influence.
I'm not saying I'm as cool as him or talented, but a hundred sounds It's the reason I write oh well I might not be doing and not just jokes but writing in general. I've had a public speak a lot of my life So you got me into writing differently You public speak outside of stand-up. Yeah, I was raised Mormon. So I said to give talks when I was eight years old Oh, that's what's up.
Yeah One of those I knew something was just like this and wires one of those killer Mormon Canadians Not the right spot. So do your parents help you with your rent? No, no, I saved up a lot of money for I moved here. I worked at Chili's Wow Yeah Bottomless tortilla chips you still talk to your parents.
Yeah, we have a good relationship now Yes, it was rough. It was on the rocks for a little while, but now we're pretty good. Yeah, I've never seen your show I showed them one of my sets and I have a joke about a Live I showed I showed them a video right before I moved and my mom was like I'm never gonna listen to it said again until it's appropriate So I don't know if they're gonna be listening to one. I might just try to be cleaner because it's a good challenge as well So well my parents proud.
Yeah, somehow everybody that yeah It seems like you're leaning that way those jokes that you were last week about massaging and Ian breadcrumbs. Yeah, you're You're more than thank you. I'm not someone finally recognize All right Audrey well, you're a lot crazier than you look, you know, thank you so much. Thank you Have you gotten a kill Tony joke book before I have a big one or a small one big and well guess what my friend?
It's perfect. You got a small one this time from our friend bones. I That's Audrey Scott. She's that underscore illumin Audrey underscore on Instagram Yeah, that sounds great.
Let's order a drink. I'll have a delicious crown royal and Coca-Cola if you guys have a chance to Red band once one too and team madness once one also All right, this is very exciting. This young lady was just up recently ladies and gentlemen makes a noise for Brittany LaDesma Look at that two ladies to start the night with Eleanor Carrigan here lady like available now Way in the back that entire back area is filled One more time for Brittany LaDesma Not to brag. I have a transgender sister.
Yes. I am more interesting than you When she first came out. I wasn't shocked because she's always been a bitch My mom over reacted though You would have thought Costco had something whole rotisserie chicken or that rod Stuart had died Like your kids just transgender not a Holocaust denier She was like I can't look at a single penis without thinking about the son I lost Calm down. There's no need to cry about another dick of the past I do think it's just because she was afraid because people tend to be transphobic for example Men thinks it like makes them gay dad sex with a transgender woman But personally I think that's the straightest thing you can do because that's a medical grade posty.
That's the tightest it's ever gonna get It's like hitting medical weed for the first time. It's never gonna be the same You're gonna say no to a medically tight posty. Okay faggot There you go there's a minute from Brittany Ledesma indeed Welcome back. You were on last week.
Yeah awesome. Congratulations. Good luck with two weeks in a row That's very very lucky of you transgender sister. Yeah, this is all true.
I do have a transgender sister Right and how long ago did that happen last year? Okay? What have you noticed any significant changes since then? Oh, they're also a heroin addict.
So oh Yikes, I guess they have one less thing to inject into now, huh? You ever fuck around with her as a kid. Yeah, do you feel bad? I used to dress her up like a girl and now I feel like I cost it.
Oh shit That might be worth mentioning during that that whole thing. So that's gotta be interesting where their signs early on I thought she was gay growing up. She kind of is yeah It's a pretty close guess like it's like, you know, it's very close Yeah, exactly something like that. I love it.
Uh, Eleanor, you're from South Philly. Do you know what transgender means? We don't have those around here. We don't pay any attention to that shit I'm not fully transitioned yet, but are you your jokes are excellent.
I'm saying I'm gonna give you a compliment I'm not gonna be me. Thank you Absolutely. How long you been on stand-up, Brittany? Two years.
You work here at Vulcan. Is that right? Yes, what else do you do? What do you do for fun?
I've been taking a lot of shrooms recently Okay People just hand them to you and yeah How does that go any highlights from that or low lights? I saw a dog run away the other day from its owner on it Who was tied to a stool and they couldn't catch them. Oh shit. Did he take the dog take the stool with him?
Yeah? Wow He left him outside. Is he where? He was at a coffee shop and he left him outside tied to the stool and then was this like in the city?
Was this like in the city? Was this yeah? This was over off at like 4th Street Wow? Okay, I was wondering what that thing was that I hit that was attached to a stool by a rope the other day I just kept on driving.
I don't have enough time for that. You thought it was Michael Larry Yeah, I love it Brittany. What's something crazy that we don't know about you? Oh God, I don't know Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot.
What are you thinking right now? Did you sign up you fucking normal ass plain ass white guy? Shut up shut up You fucking idiot you thought something was gonna happen right there some type of dream situation you shut your fucking mouth Never in a million years welcome this has to be your first time here. So welcome.
I'm mad at your friend that brought you here Brittany you had a great set two weeks in a row absolutely incredible You got a big joke book last week right here. Take a small one just to have his little souvenir There goes Brittany L ades my everybody's she's on social media Brittany LED. We're gonna keep it moving That's unheard of to have two ladies pulled out first here. Oh Very very interesting show so far make some noise for Tom Murphy coming out from the back How many you guys like him in comedians do good on the show?
How many of you like him in comedians do bad on the show? Okay, pretty even wow makes the noise for Tom Murphy everyone one more time for Tom Yeah Yeah, you guys like sex Yeah Hey, that's a better reaction. I got it the Dollar Tree Christ Yeah, I like sex. I don't have it a lot, you know I yeah my girlfriend actually dumped me about a year and a half ago during the quarantine So a little clue you might be the problem in the relationship, you know Yeah, she's allowed to see two people on earth right me and her female roommate.
She's like yeah, let's cut that plane half Yeah, she hates pussy. She hates it. I've tried to show with the video. She's not into it, you know And after I was kind of just open the quarantine with continue because we said I know she's not fucking anybody You know unless she suddenly gets a thing for uber eats drivers, you know Which I know is not the case because I am an uber eats driver Oh And then and after the quarantine ended I just kind of hope she get covid just good It's nothing to get started.
She's a lovely lady, you know, it's just a red pepper respirator down her throat then you know Jeremy, you know Yeah Tom Murphy everybody Tom Murphy Fuck yeah, look at you. This is very exciting. You've never been on the show before I would remember you You are an unforgettable face. Welcome.
This is actually I can't believe you sound as weird as you look It's me it's just what I talk like It's me like a dindel right fucking one Is this is incredible. I've always wanted to see what William Montgomery's grandfather stand up was like Absolutely incredible. Oh my god. You look like both the wizard and his student at the same time You could be 114 or 14.
I'm not sure which one This is incredible. Are you an M 80 like what are you are you literally a firecracker? Irish German Irish German. Oh my yeah, yeah, look at that.
I guess one's a little more German than Wow look at you. Holy shit. So you look like this all the time you go through it's yeah You go like grocery shopping with that head edge. Yeah, do you get a card or do you know one of those like carry hand things?
Depends on how long they let me out of the toilet bowl for you. I just who bought a shot tonight guys who? About the William Here you go Yes, there's a shot the William Montgomery shot which has nothing to do with the moment that we're talking about right now Yes, again, he looks like William Montgomery. We mentioned that a little bit ago.
Yep. Is that a natural hair color? Yeah, I wouldn't do this to myself I'm not gonna show porn publicly like that daily, you know, yeah, I don't like that. I'm doing this all you I don't want you to be credible.
It really is you look at the coloring. I mean it changes you look you were built D madness that I'll live without seeing what's going on here. I bet he can even see this yeah It is so white that perhaps it pops through D madness's vision That's the redest red hair It's like an off-duty Ronald McDonald or something like that is her Like a lover Jack that got kicked out of his family because he couldn't run on the wall. Okay, you don't have the body So Tom let's just in shock a little in shock.
What do you do for a living with a head like that? I'm just gonna try to keep milking that I'm just gonna yeah, that's good I'm serious about the uber each thing. That's what I do now. Wow really holy shit.
I'll do 29 I Love it 29 years old. What's your love life like you out there? Just leaving bright pubic hairs and people's sheets somewhere. Yeah, I fucking know you've been seeing Tom Murphy again I've done a nine inch long pube in my fucking alright.
What's your love life like Tom? It's not I would recommend it Wow like you go on dates and stuff I Go ahead tell us the question was do you go on dates and stuff and no I? Sit last day I swiped and I keep swiping I swipe her while have you ever thought about using someone else's avatar? Is your avatar just literally being the king of catfish?
I turned down sex like two weeks ago. Yeah, tell us more about that. Who did you turn down? It was she was 18 and I'm 29 so I feel like that was weird.
Wow. That's hot as fuck. What are you doing? I know red bands thoughts are not the thoughts of kill Tony or I had five seconds after it I have it I was like Yeah, what were you doing my internet browsers already filled with them like why am I hold on Tom?
Just relax. What were you doing hanging out with an 18 year old were you like letting her on an amusement park ride or something? I was illegally at a bar. What she was illegally at a bar and then she told me she was 18 after we've been talking for a while And if she was illegally at a bar Blatently lying about being 21 you believed her saying that she's 18 I don't know Tom I mean if you were a pedophile it would just be two on the nose, you know what I mean like it doesn't even make sense You look too much like a pedophile to be a pedophile.
It's like when someone asks a very tall black guy if they play basketball It's like we we know something like that. What's on the we'd be surprised to know about you Tom? You seem like you have some fucking tricks up your sleeve I have fucked a couple times you have What are we talking about? Cantilopes watermelon what are we talking about?
I didn't fucking jar a peanut butter one. What do you have any special moves you do in the bedroom? Are there any Tom Murphy patented moves? I do kind of it's is that what you do?
I had to try it is rickety if I had to try my fucking shot. Let me ask you this when you come do you just go right? So good Rickety Tom rickety's short ass Ruby yes Wow, what kind of car do you drive? I can't really oh Well, no car hate more.
It's just played safe bitch. Yeah, really work forever drive slow played safe Tom you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy is there something else you're good at I feel like you must have like an old trophy something up on a wall somewhere. Ew. Is he coming or answering?
Yeah, duh. Play any instruments, you do anything, any type of art, any athletic events, perhaps like a corn hole or something you're gonna... Mushroom hunting. A little bit of that.
I take drugs, I don't know. You do? What kind of drugs do you take? You got real excited during that part.
The ones that are around, I don't know, like, just a range. Does anyone have any drugs for Tom? Yeah, good question. Maybe someone...
I bet someone will give you drugs after this. Oh, I wouldn't do his drugs. They make you retarded. Tom, I find you to be completely compelling and charismatic and I hope you come back and sign up again for this show.
I want to hang out with you again. Tom Murphy, take a big joke book from Bones Eye, the great leather maker here in Texas. You think, go back to the bucket one more time and then do another regular? Yeah, let's do that.
Whoa, oh shit, okay. Make some noise for Sean Riley everybody. Sean Riley. Sean Riley.
Here he is, everybody. One more time for Sean. Hey guys. So, like a lot of guys out there, I watch a lot of porn.
You guys ever just watch porn on your phone and then the phone screen locks and you just see the reflection of your face and the phone and you just think to yourself, I'm fucking crushing it. I've been watching so much porn, I started paying attention to the other aspects of porn, like the ads. They just seem redundant to me. You know, like, they just put the ads in the porn.
How'd that go? You gotta be like this. You'll be like, oh babe, you're so good. You're so good.
Not as good as Spotify premium. Yeah, I'm not great with women. Not great. Like when women cry around me, I just freeze up and turn it like a Vulcan from Star Trek.
I just state the facts. Like a woman will be crying. I'll be like, hey, you're crying. You're crying.
You're still crying. Thank you guys. All right, Sean Riley. They're not laughing, laughing.
They're still not laughing. Sean, how long have you been on stand up? Four and a half, five years? Four and a half, five years.
Holy shit. That's four and a half, five years longer than I hope you would have said. How's it been going for? You all have it here in Austin, Texas?
No. I was in South Bay Area, San Francisco. I did about two years there, a little bit in Central California, and then I spent COVID in LA. Okay.
I moved here two months ago. Oh, nice. What do you love about Austin? You've been here two months?
I mean, I think it's just the community. I like LA, but I found it to be like, you know, just people trying to chase clout and shit, and I just really like the community of Austin. More. Okay.
I love that. There you go. You got the there. That's a good answer.
That's a good answer. What are you doing with your life? How do you make money? I work in finance.
Really? Yep. Wow. Wow.
Fuck you. That was his life that he needs to shut the fuck up. Alright, back to the live show. Sorry, it was his fourth time doing that.
It's absolutely unacceptable behavior. Long drive from Round Rock to be here tonight. Anyway. And we're back with Sean Ridely.
How exciting. So Sean, what else have you been doing other than stand up to keep yourself busy all these years? Outside of that I'd like to run. Big runner like I don't know if he miles a day.
Wow, isn't that fucking exciting. What do you like to do when you're running? I love just jamming out to Sylport. I love Pantera.
Yeah, you don't seem this extreme. I'm not an extreme guy. I hope I'm not coming off extreme. I'm a nice guy, okay?
What's the nicest thing you've done recently? Perhaps to someone in your community. Oh No, I actually I do have something for this outside one of the homeless people out there asking me for some money So I said no, thank you politely. Oh I was a nice you have a good relationship with your parents.
Yeah, I could tell that's all fun You're as funny as a guy with that as a good relationship with his parents. They're still together Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone knows if your parents are still together. It's much harder to be a stand-up Canadian with together parents Yeah, is there anything about your life? That's a little bit disadvantaged or anything like that parents are together They're fucking making pancakes every morning talking about how proud they are Riley goes out I did ask it a few times.
Whoa. Yeah, I guess does that kind of disadvantage? I don't know not really Sort of the opposite actually Sean Alright, well you are if you like the flavor of water that you must love Sean Riley. It's his kill Tony debut.
Just really I mean Just like a young is alkaline water Sean here you go. Here's a joke before you take a joke book Sean Riley everybody. This is Sean Riley comedy on Instagram Well There you go. I'm going.
Okay. I'm glad we have this upper sleeve you guys ready for another kill Tony regular Let's turn this shit up right now. My goodness gracious You know no control over the bucket pools, but uh your next regular has taken over the show by absolute storm He was made a regular here in Austin, Texas just a couple months ago He debuts a brand new minute every single week of absolute destruction. This is Hans Kim everybody Hey, my name is Hans Kim.
That's my real name Michael there My name is Hans Kim. Okay, my parents named me Hans because they didn't want kids to school to make fun of me for having an Asian name So they gave me a German one instead and if we write another radar that no idea was Asian Thought Asians were smart My name is Hans Kim. It's a German career name It means I like to eat bratwurst, but only if they're made out of golden retrievers It means I hate Japanese people, but only if they're Jewish and it means I'm a really good k-pop dancer But I mostly use it to goose that whoa Hans Kim Love it another one God damn it you did it again Hans. Thank you Tony showing everybody exactly how it's done Just be Asian guys What I really loved about that said and red band pointed it out to me as well Is that you took that that whole part was from an interview here on kiltoni that German name thing got a big pop You're taking the stuff from the interviews and you're able to generate it straight into material when it gets a laugh here You keep it you work on it and then boom.
Yeah, I'm working on a bit about how the future of manhood is Asian men so invest early Oh, yeah, get in on the stock while it's rising. What else has been going on Hans? I recently was verbally threatened by a McDonald employee verbally threatened. Yeah gang violence.
Oh my goodness What's what exactly sounds like fun? What is gay violence gang gang violence gang violence? That's why that's why my gay violence thing They don't have I'm like a violence. Oh, hi.
You got threatened by a McDonald's employee. Yes gang violence. Yeah, what are they a micker grip? You never get to do a McDonald's gang joke people Just because you're not loving it doesn't mean people some people on the internet are gonna love my Nick Crip joke.
Yeah haters Gang violence at a McDonald's I've never heard of such a thing. It was preposterous. This is a society, you know It's a place of business. Oh my god.
It's what started off. Yeah, I was just Waiting in the drive-through for 30 minutes to be told it was closed next thing. You know, there's a hamburger at your window like hey So what happened here they tell you that it's closed and then what you're like I've been waiting here 30 fucking minutes And then I just asked him where he works and then he got all mad at me for no reason at all Wait, you asked somebody's wearing a McDonald's uniform. Yeah, I was like, what do you work?
He's like what? What do you where he's like here? I was like, yeah, that's right. Oh Oh It's funny when you find out the full story, right?
Oh, that's right is a different thing Look at on taking his kill Tony energies to the McDonald's drive through Jesus Do you know who the fuck I am? I'll take a number three with a small fry. That's called the curse of kill Tony It really is the egos grow fast here I mean I live in a van so I don't really know that's right the only thing Saturday getting turned down into drive through In a McDonald's getting turned down into drive through McDonald's in your house The guys like take your life and get the fuck out of here take your everything Oh, my friend's house he lets me plug in and I have an AC in there, so that's not bad. Yeah, it's like an extra room in the house Long you plan on living like this.
I mean definitely, you know, I don't really mind it as long as you know Become a problem you want to fuck I can tell you we've asked him that it is not a problem Joe Turns out a lot of ladies like making their way back to that van if they even make it there You know Hans famously had sex with a girl in a room closet here at Vulcan gas company Just a few weeks ago He's on a streak right now every single week a beautiful woman has come out of the audience No one knows where or who it's gonna be they randomly just do it and they come up and they make out with innocent old Hans who before coming before becoming a full-time cast member of the show had a pretty slow-moving sex life. Yes I mean, yeah, I mean it's changed a lot You know Hard are you getting pussy just from the show you don't have to answer that We have these new shirts that have been made If someone there's a beautiful girl out there in the audience that wants to come up and you have to really make out with Hans though He's a serious kisser. No pecs allowed. This is hilarious.
It's cool, right? Hold on a second lower the music for a second and if that doesn't work if there's a male that brought his girlfriend The brand new my girl kiss Hans Kim shirts are now for sale that did happen, right? Huh? That did happen.
Oh, yeah, if so, there's a girl out there Is there a girl that wants to come up and make out with Hans Kim everybody? Oh, here comes someone I do believe They're making a hand signal. There's lighting. I see professional lighting for some reason.
Oh Well, well, well Hans looks like you got another heavy workload in front of you I Come on guys make some noise Hans Kim living in streams. Oh my god, Jesus Christ All right, that's two. Oh wow. Oh Jesus Christ This is out of control Tony you only have one shirt.
I know I don't have enough shirts for all of this and You guys know there's a pandemic And guess who started it It was hot it was hot Absolutely incredible my guess is that these are the ladies of the yellow rose and the red rose am I right? Wow look at this look what it's become Hans you get the most beautiful girls to come down here and kiss you every single week It's absolutely incredible. Yes It's gonna happen outside kill Tony too, you know, if you see me on the street say hello It really is you see me out on the street Say hello what the fuck Hans you have no limit to your fucking did you know about this before you got here? You know, you know, oh, yeah Do they pay you do this?
You got a free house for a week to do this. Yeah, we have a big buddy here at kiltony. What'd you say? a house fee Stripper tall stripper tall house.
No house fee for a week Thanks for our friend Cody up there the general manager of the yellow rose in the red rose fees holla I love it. That is so cool. We girls are lovely and he's very happy turn look at him. I've never seen a man so happy Look at this Anybody says that is lion Hans is now a wonderful thing look at him Hans does a very special thing Joe where we've seen this I'm in his pants where he Because that's what I'm saying look at him.
He's embarrassed he looks lighter He does a very special thing where he tries to sneak more kisses in when the girls look at him If you look if you look closely anytime one of the girls look at him He starts slowly moving in for another kiss Hans Hans who was your favorite out of the three? You son of a bitch you you first yeah I I'm Smiling oh god. I feel like Stormy and I have a relationship now. Yeah Just in terms of we wish I've kissed her three times now.
Oh wow. Yeah, it's really used to be random audience members stormy keeps coming down I think Stormy likes the tsunami. You know what I'm saying? I did that joke a couple weeks ago, but it's worth doing it again 100% How about how about this little kalisi looking character if uh What the police is hot yeah, that's a queen of dragons.
That's it her dragon right there That's your dragon. It was an honor to kiss the mother of dragons She's very expert with a tongue. I've uh, I've got to learn about that technique. I hope we can have some private sessions Oh my god, I love it.
Hans you're legitimately nervous. This is adorable I'm nervous Joe. Look at this shit. It is the absolute best the yellow rose and the red rose has the most amazing Beautiful and charismatic strippers in the world and uh, it is incredible house fees for everyone for everyone house fees When they first said house fees, I thought they had a live in his house in his van He has van fees so they're all they all have the same thing going on very good.
Hans. Uh, what do you think? Where does the night go from where does the night go after this? I mean we still have the after party.
Um, so maybe we should hang out more I could tell you some of the jokes I was gonna do, but I didn't do here. So Look at the girl next to you, Hans. Her chest is like your report card always Still got it. Oh, come on I just got the middle thing on that one.
We're having fun. I'm just goofing. Are you making a living off those fucking things? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely very good. You and Hans can compare all night long. Uh, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. Welcome to the show Hans did you have fun tonight? Yes, I did. Are you living your are you living your dreams here on kiltony?
Yes, I am A brand new minute Absolutely destroyed and then made out with three women after that. This was your weekly appearance by Hans Kim ladies and gentlemen Just a guy doing stand-up comedy Absolutely. Look how happy he is. Hans.
Oh wait, look at Hans. Wait, Hans is kissing Hans kissing the head of the girl. Let's see. We never know when this ends here.
Wait, wait a second That yeah, she's just a little shock for a second. Yeah Yeah How about a round of applause for the band with the appropriate music All right, there they go a little bit of prints the yellow rose and the red rose the green Hans Kim Hans Kim We all live vicariously through Hans. I think Someone sent me an article someone sent me a thread from like reddit or something like that You should see how the incels on the internet hate Hans Kim They absolutely despise that saying now. Why do we have to see you making out with girls?
It should who cares about that? What did you put to chillest haters come to a live show and you'll hear the crowd go fucking wild You can feel it You guys having fun out there? All right Fanduil casino is the home of puff and puffs slots online And we just launched our newest exclusive game puff and puff money mansion stack up houses and spin for massive bonuses for those big bad wins Exclusively on fan duo casino download the app today Please play responsible 19 plus and physically located in Ontario if you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling Is someone close to you please contact connex Ontario. That's the yeah Your next comedian goes by the name of jaden sharp out of the bucket anything can happen here jaden sharp We're having fun What's up everybody?
Hi guys doing an I would you okay? Yeah So, uh, I don't know if you guys can tell or not But you guys shouldn't be surprised that I do not get profiled ever by police Like you know what's there been said over a police scanner breaker one nine. We were looking for an african-american male We're in patagonia right now They're not looking for dudes wearing ugs right now. All right like i'm safe But there's pros and cons with that.
All right like one of the pros during the black guys matter protest I crossed it with white women so much though that I thought the word reparations meant below jobs and chokes next to like eight months like it was intense Con I had to go to white church growing up Pro my youth pass was racist so I only mastered the white kids That's not the best pro like let's be honest No, that's true. I grew up. No one's here. Surprise.
I grew up listening to nothing but fall at boy Jaden sharp welcome welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? This is how long you've been on stand up. Uh like a year on some change.
Okay. All of it here in austin texas all of it here in awesome Is this where you're from? Uh, no, I'm originally from a small town, indiana Okay, how long go to move here originally? I moved here when I was 17 All right, and then uh I joined the military after being in california for six years.
I moved back What branch of the military I'm getting navy vibes from ya close my core. Oh, okay. Absolutely. Hell yeah Do don't don't don't clap for that.
I didn't do shit. I stayed in a chow hall the whole time You did did you uh, did you uh serve overseas at all or anything like that? I stayed at chow hall. Yeah, that's a cook Oh, okay.
I say so you literally served in the military. Yes, exactly incredible Your life never really on the line when you're dealing with a giant pot of chili, you know what I'm saying? Uh interesting stuff jade, and how do you make a living now? I work here.
Okay here at bulk and gas company That's right one of the many amazing staff members here Getting to see a lot of comedy you think working here is this place gotten to the point yet where you feel like working here? You learn a lot about stand-up and booking shows in the art form is it does it have that vibe yet? It does it's helped me Enough, it's more so not just like in like watching you guys perform It's more so just the after effects of like how you like you guys like how you guys communicate with each other to create stuff Like that's what like it's been helping me the most. Yeah, it's like just being an outside observer to it I love it jade, and what else do you do what else do you do for fun?
Uh, so I actually joined I just was a cook because I want to be a chef getting out So I was cooking for forever until I decided to do comedy. So I don't like working for people So I'm like I'd rather I don't like cooking for people. That's a better way of putting it So you you cook yes you continue to cook yes, where do you cook at where I don't just at my house this Why don't cook for a restaurant? No, no, no, no, I'm just surprised you have a house.
You don't live in a van incredible What's your meal like if you had one meal to impress somebody? What is your meal? Uh, I do grilled cheese actually Whoa, that's crazy That's what I had for lunch today. I had a grilled cheese and tomato soup.
My doctor said I wasn't getting enough grilled cheese in my diet So I decided to uh, so you gotta up that game up though. You gotta do a ponter john crass or grilled cheese mozzarella you make a mare narrow with it. Oh shit. Keep it stupid.
I just heard red band coming in his pants. That's incredible Oh, it's on my boots now. It's okay. Jaden.
What's your love life like you seem like a good looking young man? That's all right. Yeah, I do. I do okay for myself.
What do you do? What do you specifically? Yeah? What do you do?
Well, usually what it is is I use like dumb luck and being white skin. I just kind of ride that wave right like If I wanted to I could probably fuck my princess daughter like I'm gonna be honest with you My princess I didn't even know he had a daughter. That's a seven year old daughter. That's fucked up dude Oh red band keeping track of the ages of former vice president's daughter Say like get my direct message ignored by this girl.
I mean red band knows this because he has a picture on his phone already So yeah, jaden what's something that would be surprised to know about your life? Anything interesting about you or your family or uh? You have another pair of shoes. I do.
Yeah, I do their their toms. Good question. I hate those shoes Just for the joke you keep those shoes has to be no unfortunately not I wish those shoes are the worst material that you have White mom black dad. Yeah, absolutely how they meet.
Do you know the story or anything like that? Um, my mom's family is from where my dad's family is in a lcard Indiana. So they learn. Yeah, that's me.
You say Eleanor and dian elk art. Oh, yeah, elk art. Yes I just heard Joe road We heard elk art real quick seven hunting flashbacks over here. I thought you were outing me for fucking his dad I was like, hey, good event.
You've done the road in Indiana, Illinois I love you mom and dad still together. No, of course I love it jaden, what's your favorite thing about austin texas? Uh, my favorite thing that's not indiana. No, yeah, that's she nailed it around that It's not indiana's not california.
So right I I like the art mostly to be honest There you go. Like he was like crass up there painting that like I I love that Like seeing it throughout the city. It's no you're sweet boy jaden. There he goes jaden sharp everybody a good young man Out here doing it right in performing here.
Here's a joke book jaden come here jaden take one of those jaden sharp everybody All right. Let's see what happens now. Make some noise for heather keith everybody Three ladies on this episode. Yeah, I get lady like available Everywhere now if you like stand up, why not support one of my favorite people and laugh at the same time You'll get lady like one more time everybody for heather keith.
I found out i'm horrible at phone sex That's not fun. I was on the phone with this guy and I was like, oh, what are you gonna do to me? And he said i'll give you a clue. So I said barber barber Said did you just did you just do a blues blues impression?
And then he hung up I didn't really hear from him much after that, but he did send me a letter in the mail a couple weeks later You know which reminded me of that song from blues clues, you know the one that's like here's the mail and never fails Makes me want to wag my tail and when it comes I want a whale It was a restraining order Wow heather keith look out Damn hell yeah, welcome welcome right out of the bucket who would have thought someone would kill with blues clues? I know I'm getting fucking old man. I don't know any of this these references you young bucks It's incredible heather welcome how long you been on stand up this is your first time on the show I've been doing it two and a half years, but I took a whole year off for covid Okay, well maybe take a whole year off Um, I had to move back in with my parents in Colorado and I didn't really know the scene so I didn't really right right that makes sense Uh, was that a tough year for you ahead to have been right? Yeah, I lost my job in my apartment I was living in new england, so Okay living in new england which part of Colorado um new hamster clear Okay, they're big new hamster fans.
What are the odds literally absolutely incredible I love it. That's what new hamster people say they're from I'm from new england. I lived in it. It sounds a lot better than new hamster Wow, I love it.
How long have you lived here? Um about six months now. Okay, you came here for the big comedy. Yeah.
Yeah. I followed all my friends here Nice. They all came from Colorado as well. They all came from new england.
Oh, gotcha. Yeah, they're all from they're all like massachusetts That's absolutely awesome. I love it. So how you making a living out here?
Um, I am unemployed right now. Okay. Yeah. How are you surviving?
Um, I was living off my savings for a while and then right now I'm begging my parents for money Not a fan of that. Yeah, gotcha. That makes sense. Okay, and uh, what are you holding?
I'm 24. I just turned 24. You can beg for one more year. Yeah, exactly You're a mean daddy Rogan.
Yeah, actual dad. Whatever. I'm the only one here. It's a fucking dad.
She's gonna be a superstar. Hey, what the fuck? Absolutely And if they don't if they don't answer just literally ask Joe sometime just uh just ask them. You'll be surprised that the magic that can happen Heather uh, so I love that you're here.
What's your living situation? You have a bunch of roommates? Um, I just moved in with like a Random girl off of Facebook. Whoa.
Yeah, it's like two days ago. Yeah, yikes. Like guys not only fans I think she's straight. Okay, that's we got that one in.
Yeah, no, she didn't know me like at all Like she just left a fucking key under the mat and it's like move in. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Damn people are gonna get raped, but that's a wild bitch Yeah, that's a wild bitch.
Why girl? Is it a white girl? Yeah. Yeah, I think oh you haven't even she looks white.
Yeah, I don't know You guys haven't hung out at all. Um, we've had like two conversations. All right. Yeah, what have they been about?
Um, kind of nothing Yeah, just telling her to murder jokes. No, uh, she was talking about how she came to vulkin once and met that Canadian roast guy Did she kiss hones Kim? No, I've kissed hones Kim. You have what?
Is that true? Where's hones Kim? Somebody get hones Kim up here The kid is a fucking savage. Where did you kiss hones Kim?
It was uh, it was his birthday party. I got very drunk Wow No See what if you weren't really drunk you wouldn't kiss the amazing hilarious fastest rising local comedic talent hones Kim I've already got the sample. Hones get back up here. What the fuck is hones?
Hones Hones is swimming in stripper pussy right now. See he can't be here He went from times like a life. I don't want to be in the back. I already ate He's swimming in house fees.
Hones get up here Oh Hones is it true that you've made out with Heather Keith before I'm gonna make out I just gave him my birthday Wow I don't want to do no tone. That's a night. That's a night. You're cute four times right?
Okay, red band. Very good. Yeah, okay All right Yeah, I also kissed Audrey Scott Oh My god three people making out their total net worth 74 dollars. That's incredible Absolutely incredible Hones, how many girls are you making out with a week?
Dude? What's going on out here? Probably around three on average Good All right, all right, give the microphone back to Joe there goes hones Kim ladies and gentlemen Heather what else about you? What would we be surprised to know about you any special skills or talents?
Really, I'm very boring like I like to antique I like to roller skate Whoa roller skating. I'm not good at it. Yeah, I can do the moonwalk Really? Yeah, that's what you do the moonwalk real quick.
Come on. How many you want to see or do the moonwalk everybody? Real quick. Just try your best.
Come on You can do it believe in yourself I see Fun fact moonwalk is the name of hones kim's parents restaurant by the way New walk w o k it's not a face joke. Heather you had an unbelievable set I love it when we find people like you out of the bucket have a big joke about Incredible said that's heather keith everybody her first time on kiltzoni. She's on instagram at adult kiddo all one word Maybe like the first time anybody's ever killed with blues clues. Yeah, that wasn't incredible right?
That was incredible I've never seen a blues clues reference do that good All right, this young man's been on the show before here. He comes again another employee of alken gas company This is nick reese everyone nick reese Here he comes So I just moved out to texas Notice that all the buildings are kind of named the same way Uh, basically the formulas you take the street that you're on and then the service that you offer and that's it That's that's the whole name of your business. Um, so the other day I saw first street dentistry that you know That's pretty cool. Um, then I saw a slaughter lane animal hospital Uh, not as good of a ring to it.
Um, and then the other one that I saw was a convict hill daycare center Uh, I don't really know What the deal is, um, I also noticed that everyone's here giving away mushrooms. Um, that's a thing Um, and I noticed that mushroom dealers have like the same dosages as video game settings So it's like do you want like the hardcore you want the insane the heroic or do you want the legendary dude? Um, I'm aware. I look like I sell you's coke You's coke.
Wow. I've never heard of that before. That's a good. Wow.
You's coke is good. It's a good reference there You really do look like that you look like you look like a really really really good be a horrible rapper I was I was awful rapper. Really you've done that before I did it with you guys really you wrapped? Oh, you got to wrap again.
Michael get this guy. I got to listen to this guy be a bad rapper I love bad rap. I like bad rap as much as I like good rap All right Killing shit up on six street. We won't stop causing these lines.
They'll paint six feet We gonna keep it going off the shop. That's right. We straight kill Tony throwing this reloaded shit That's right. Take the clip and reload it quick and everyone knows the way I goes exploding it So if you would just listen quick the way that nicks been kickin straight to rip thickness is licking this Whoa All right.
Okay That was actually quite impressive That was like cypress hills have eyes Yeah, I'm proud of that one Nick so it's been months since you've been on the show you were on the show back at uh, I can't even remember the name of that club on apple b Yeah, apple bs we used to do it here Well, I didn't even get on there last time I was with the store really the comedy store in los angeles Yeah, the last the last episode I was on was Jeremiah's the guest Wow Feels like forever ago my goodness. So welcome back. That's incredible You made it all the way here to austin you were chasing the dream in la you fled at a good time invested in the right stock And you're here in austin at least getting to perform in front of fucking normal human beings animals and the one guy that was here earlier It's very exciting stuff. So what do you love about austin you live here now?
What's going on clearly you're taking advantage of the incredible restaurants Yeah, I Yoni has it yoni hasn't steered me to a bad restaurant man like I've been at cms smokehouse daily I Yeah, honestly, I've just been fucking eating a shitload of food and like drinking way more than anybody should Yeah, it's fucking amazing. This city's amazing. It really is. It's so much fun.
It is crazy It's a it's alive. I mean there's just things that you have the option to do whatever you want here Yeah, it's pretty wild. Yeah, and the weeds not have bad actually like well, I mean everyone has UPS, you know, exactly But weeds aren't necessarily grown around the corner, you know what I mean? We have that shit smuggled in uh, what uh, where'd you win that necklace from?
I actually uh, I actually Is it like a claw machine was uh, that's david lucas's choker chain from like two weeks ago? That's the same chain I uh, somebody I actually caught somebody like essentially trying to break into my house and uh, I Ran their pockets for it and this was in the pockets when you say essentially trying to break into your house What does that mean exact there was a dude at my house and I didn't make any reservations for dudes to be at my house And uh, and so I was like nice backpack drop it and then I this was in the backpack so how did Yeah, yeah, yeah, what a what a what a twist yeah, so I tried to rob me I robbed I don't think you need to make reservations for a guy. How did the guy end up at your house a friend brought him or Yeah, I had known him for a while and uh He he just kind of was like a dude. I did drugs with him handful of times and then and then one day you're like what's in the backpack Yeah, yeah, I mean he wasn't like a friend.
It was like Yeah, it really is I caught him trying to break into my house when he said backpack. I didn't know this is what he meant. You know what I mean? Yeah I guess it's gay Nick, what are we not talked about?
That would be interesting what? I'm not buying it the story Yeah, it's a very weird story the guys at his house all of a sudden he says drop the backpack Yeah, like the guys with you and he's not he is you know him, but you don't Really know I knew I mean wasn't supposed to be at my house like I just happened to know who he was And he just gave up the gold chain. That's it. Well, it was that or fight me and he didn't want to fight me So like yeah, yeah, damn my house.
Are you underneath that bridge right down the street? This is a bad california. This was like a couple years ago. Right.
Okay, Nick. What's something we don't know about you? That's interesting he robs his friends. Yeah, I guess uh fucking I It's been months since you've been on the show.
I mean, I gotta show here with William on the fifth There we go. All right, so you're doing stand up what a night now. You're out here doing it. I love it You work here.
You're here all the time. You're in the scene. You're taking care of business Uh, Nick Reese ladies and gentlemen that was in here on co-town here Take one of those Keeping moving here Yeah, there is Ben Moffat m-a-f-i-t Ben Muffet may fit perhaps Here we go. It's all happening.
We're waiting for Ben Yeah, come on one more time for Ben Moffat everybody Thank you. Thank you. Good to be here. Just move down Uh, you know, let me properly introduce myself.
Hi, I'm Ben. I'm 25 and it takes two people to suck my dick One to hold up my gut and another one to suffer Takes two people to suck my dick someone has to hold a flashlight while they're looking for it Takes two people to suck my dick. It takes more than one person to pitch a 10 people All right. All right.
It takes two people to suck my dick Because if you find bigfoot you're gonna want to witness Ben Moffat everybody Hell yeah, very impressive. It only took one of you to suck dick on stage tonight Don't hang yourself the ceiling cannot support that here Ben Uh, I've noticed I don't know what you're planning on doing Guy like you with hard work to kill yourself. I've got a lot of pills a few gunshots whatever It's gonna take multiples to be a patient. You are a big boy a little bit.
Yeah, you look like Hank Williams carls jr Ben welcome. How long you been doing stand up or wobbly wobble or whatever it is that you're doing up here uh About two years two years awesome. Awesome. Very cool.
All of it here in Austin. No, it just moved down about two weeks ago from where? Gran Rapids. Okay all the way from Michigan.
Hell yeah, I love it. Yeah, very cool two weeks. You are fresh Yeah, he tried some of the local local places. You've been a water burger.
Uh, I tried that. Yeah, it's uh, very Not great, right? I know these people So we are your asses communist Great though. I'll give you that.