Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live.
Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirt, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv.
Ryan J. Ebell, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.
Go to RyanJEbell.com. And last but not least, TonyHitchClick.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Get up for Tony. Yeah, yeah. Austin, are you guys ready for a crazy fucking night tonight, or what? Hey, Ryan Red Band's here.
Hey, everybody. It's nice for Brian Red Band. You guys with me? Are we comfortable?
Have a hand for the band, everybody. The Kill Tony Band, brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Delicious. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, everybody.
John Dees on the keyboard tonight. And, of course, on the bass guitar, the great D Madness, everybody. He's here, live in the flesh. Took a week off for D Madness Day.
It's a real holiday. It's an actual holiday in the city of Austin. This man has his own fucking day. And it's February 14th.
In the city of Austin, it is D Madness Day. And, by the way, Saturday, he's celebrating his 50th birthday. So, have a big hand for D Madness. One of the backbones of the show.
This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the entire world. Just so happen to be here in Austin, Texas. This show is also brought to you by White Claw and the W Hotel, where now you can get 25% off on a Sunday or Monday night at the W by using a promo code Kill Tony. How cool is that?
So, if people are coming in to visit the show, stay at the W. Eat delicious DM Smokehouse. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Before we start the show, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors of May.
Tonight's episode available for you here, right now. Hey, y'all. I'm back out on tour doing stand-up comedy. Come see me live in your city or around your city.
April 8th and 9th, I'll be in Philadelphia. April 21st through the 23rd. Come see me in Miami. May 5th through May 7th, Phoenix, Arizona.
I'm back with you. And May 20th and 21st, I'm back in Salt Lake City, Utah, a place with an unbelievably great sense of humor. So come out, see me on tour, and maybe I'll give you a high five or I'll spit in your mouth or something. Hey, y'all.
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You can take the kid out of Gary, Indiana, but why would you? In Bustdown, Peacock's new original comedy series, four friends working at a Midwestern casino are aspiring to be mostly where they are. Created by and starring Jack Knight, Langston Kerman, Sam Jay, and Chris Redd, Bustdown is inspired by the crew's real-life chemistry conversations and friendship that resulted in an irreverent, offbeat, unpredictable swirl of hijinks and absurdity. I know these guys.
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You might know Chris Redd from SNL. This is all about the friends who navigate obstacles and opportunities in and out of the workplace, including, but not limited, climbing a very short career ladder, fending off horny church ladies, and hiding from your best friend during a fistfight at the fondue factory. In a moment where everyone has something to say, the four friends relish saying not much of anything, or alternatively, the dumbest thing possible. Bustdown is streaming now, only on Peacock.
So I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on the show. This week, we have three of the funniest comedians in the world as guests on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Freddie Gibbs, Brian Moses, and Joe Rogan. Yep, they're coming.
Fresh out of fucking some Italian restaurant. Freddie Gibbs, Brian Moses. We got Brian Moses, everybody. Joe Rogan.
And one of the great rappers and comedians of the world, Freddie Gibbs. We are here. Chaos. Chaos is amongst us.
I tried to warn you. This guy's scared for his life. Get this guy's face. I tried to warn you, motherfuckers.
This. Woo! Hell, yes. This is an overload, a Kill Tony episode on steroids.
Always fun, but we have amped it up a little bit. Oh! The man himself. This is so dangerous.
I'm Joe's designated to get tonight. I love it. Freddie Gibbs already sounds like a Joe Rogan compilation video. It's pretty exciting.
Bro, he said it 75 times today on the podcast. No, no, no, Joe. We said it 100. Yeah, but 75 is conservative.
We're going to have fun. You don't want to get accused of misinformation. 75 is the right number. Miss Nigga Nation.
It is tonight. Tonight. All right. Whatever they want.
Yeah, we kidnapped Joe. We're going to make it at least 79 times. I'm willing to donate money to Parks. Parks is the nigga we just met.
A bunch of people signed up to be on the show. They get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted, and then we talk to them afterwards. I interview them about their lives. They have the opportunity of a lifetime up here.
Freddie, Brian Moses, and I have been hosts. We've been high since 12.30 p.m. Yes. Yep.
They did a podcast today. This show is a real problem. Hey, how come white people like to drink White Claw? Oh, shit.
Allegedly, it could be anything. I'm trying to say, niggas don't drink hard seltzer, but we're going to get into his life. Can we get a light skin cloth for my friend Freddie up here? So we're going to watch comedians do 60-second sets.
You know the time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. They're also going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what?
Huh? Listen. Listen. We need a bottle of Buffalo Trace for three, these gentlemen.
Yeah. Bottle of Buffalo Trace. Three glasses. Going up first tonight, instead of reaching into this bucket, I'm going to have one of the regulars go up.
He performs a brand new 60 seconds every week. To show you how it's done. What's up, Vulcan? Live long and prosper.
I got a new iPhone, and people are always like, hey Hans, get off your phone. Be in the moment. I'm like, I am on my phone, away from you. This is on purpose.
I wish people would get on their phones more. Who are these weirdos at bus stops making eye contact with everyone? Google something. Learn.
Educate yourself. I love these people. They're like, you know, these smartphones are ruining our generation, but all the worst genocides and war crimes happened before this smartphone. They're like, get off your phone, Timmy.
There's a Jew right in front of you. Pick up a pitchfork. It's pretty stressful nowadays. You have to have no storage on your phone, just in case you're the one that sees a cop murdering someone.
Thank you. That's how it's done. Hans Kemp. Follow Buffalo Trace.
Hans, you did it again. Another brand new 60 seconds. We have watched the shirt get smaller and smaller over the last few weeks. For those of you that follow the show closely, this started off as a full-length shirt with strings attached to the bottom.
You did last week, literally last week, the same shirt with the strings not attached, and this week you've taken the arms off. Hans, what does it all mean? I'm just getting used to the Texas environment. I'm becoming one with the Texans.
I think you're transitioning, dude. Freddie Gibbs is here, y'all. She is. He's transitioning into Margaret Cho, everybody.
That's what's happening. Hans, what's going on in the world? What happened this week? Hans, do you wear this on a normal occasion?
Joe, I don't know if you know this, but slamming a microphone against the table isn't exactly podcast gold. Perfect. Stop questioning me, bitch. Should we need to put it on a little arm for you so that it holds it up in the air like your show?
No, give me a pillow. Can we get a hand towel off here for Joe to slam the mic on? You look like that new swimmer, nigga, bitch. Swimmer, nigga, bitch is the greatest line I've ever heard in my life.
Hans, what's happening in your sex life this week? Just talk about it. I met a woman after the show, a Jewish woman, and I made out with her furiously. Can someone play Riders on the Storm?
We got DJ Red Band on it. It's just seven more minutes, and we're going to have this loaded up here. He's all over. Why is this all popping into your head right now, by the way?
Does this have anything to do with Hans? Your name? Hans. Leave Hans alone, man.
Hans. Where's your sleeves, bitch? Hans, I love you, but it's 47 degrees outside. You're the only nigga with no sleeves.
No, Hans wearing an AIDS quilt. That's what that is right there. It is sad. That is something else.
I don't think I've ever seen a Korean with their arms exposed like that before. He's a lumberjack. Hey, honestly, I'm going to keep it real. It's black history, man.
Why y'all got Asian niggas up here? I'm going to say black history, man. The nigga Joe Rogan put the mic down. Between half and one hours for black history.
We should have an all-black lineup. Everybody got quacks. That's a little presumptuous, Freddie Gibbs. There's not enough black people in Austin to have an all-black lineup on Kill Tony.
It's black history, but, digger. Yeah. We're not everywhere yet. Goddamn.
What do you think about black people? I think they're the most talented people ever. They deserve reparations. Oh, wow.
You're goddamn right. Wow, look at this. Hans really opening up. What else is going on in your life, Hans?
I did a sold-out show at the Domain. I headlined it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's headlining now.
At the mall? Yeah. Damn, nigga. Did a sold-out show?
I sold like three fucking- I shit on his whole dream. You ain't shit. Keep fucking with them niggas. Keep fucking with them, Hans.
You can do shows at the mall. What the fuck? I go to the mall a lot. Hell yeah.
I might see your ass at the mall. You can just take over malls, Hans. You can just exclusively perform across from Orange Juliuses or something like that. You can be the mall guy.
I would love that. White people have a lot of money. Oh, Rogan's right here. Yeah, D-Madness is here.
All right, Hans, well, you performed a sold-out show. You met a Jewish girl. Did you have sex with a Jewish girl? No, she left in the middle of making out.
Wow. Damn. She was trying to save time. She was like, I'm really good at sex, and I don't want our first time to have sex to be bad, so I'm just going to leave.
Why would it have been bad? She said she was drunk and tired, and she didn't fall. That's a perfectionist. I think I was just moving too slow.
I was just making out with her way too long. I should have made a mess. I don't think that's right. I think it was the right amount of time.
Why didn't you do anything with your hands? What kind of guy hooks up with a chick with no sleeves and doesn't fucking close? You know what I mean? The type of girl meets a girl who wants to love him.
Goddamn, Hans. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Can I have another glass with ice in it up here?
I fucked up and only got three. I need one more. Damn, man. Have you talked to her since then?
She texted me today. She's not here, though, right? No. Call her up right now.
Oh, shit. Should we call her right now? Call her up. Call her up.
Call her up. Call her up. Call her up. FaceTime, son.
Yeah, FaceTime that hoe. FaceTime. FaceTime. FaceTime that hoe.
I'm FaceTiming her. Yeah. Ask her if she likes niggas. Yoni.
You ask her. Don't ask her right away. Ask her how she feels about. Pancakes.
Pick up the phone, bitch. Ah. Horseback. Hiking.
Damn. Damn, you can't even get her fucking hook up on FaceTime with this girl. Give me your phone, bro. Yo dick must be little as hell.
She's like, normally I'm really good at FaceTime calls, but I'm just not feeling it right now. I'll FaceTime my bitch, but you do want me to do that? Get in there, Yoni. Get in there.
Get in there. FaceTime yours. Who's yours? Enjoy your FaceTime yours.
I don't have one, sir. Right, right, right. Spot, spot, spot, spot. Why do you think she's not picking up?
Why don't none of your hoes pick up? Right, because I made out with her too long. Damn. Nothing's happening.
She's not picking up. Hold on, hold on. My bitch picked up. Hey, baby, this nigga need to get us some pussy.
Can you bring him a bitch, please? My bitch bad. I'll keep a bad bitch at all times. You dig what I'm saying?
Hey, where you at? You outside? You outside? Yeah, bring your ass in here.
This nigga needs some pussy. Right, he's on the storm. Hey, hold on. Give him some ass.
My girl, she got you. Look at this nigga. You dig? You're very attractive.
All right, come here. Come here. Bring him some pussy. Call some hoes for this nigga.
Thank you for having me. I got you, baby. I told you. Thank you so much.
Hans, how do you feel? Looks like you're getting guaranteed action tonight. I feel better than if I got laid two nights ago. Absolutely.
It's the Kill Tony bump once again. How about another hand for the great Hans Kim, everybody? Thank you. Let's keep it moving.
I'm going to get my hand in this bucket. It could be a brand new person. It could be somebody's first time. It could be a local legend.
Anything can happen. Here we begin. First up tonight out of the bucket goes by the name of Nikolai Roscoe. Here we go.
The show has begun. You guys having fun yet, huh? Here we go. Nikolai Roscoe should be making his way to the stage.
We got movement? Is anybody moving? No? Yeah, where the fuck is Nikolai at?
Oh, no. Poor Nikolai. Either going to the bathroom or doing cocaine or something. He fucked up.
Okay. How about a hand for Katie Felton, everyone? Here we go. Katie Felton is going to start tonight's show.
Straight out of the bucket. Any moment. Here she is. Hey.
Are y'all familiar with the term spinner? Like a petite lady where if you just sit around a dick, she can spin around real easy? Yeah. I have the height of a spinner, but my body type is more of a lazy Susan at a Chinese restaurant.
You're going to be surprised how much effort it takes to get me going, so. I'm a millennial, and I feel like being part of your generation is like a spectrum. Like in some ways, I feel very millennial, and in other ways, I feel like I didn't get the memo. Yeah.
Like in the ways that I am millennial, I don't own property. I work for a large tech company, and I think socialism is pretty cool, so we're on board there. Yeah. On the ways that I don't relate, I'm a female, and I'm not bisexual.
I'm not into ass-eating of any kind, and I've never diagnosed myself as autistic, so. All right. Katie Felton. Welcome.
You've been on the show before, correct, Katie? Yeah. Okay. Well, welcome back.
How's life been going for you? What's shaking? Everything good? Everything is good, yes.
I love it. Absolutely. You're one of the funniest Cabbage Patch dolls I've ever seen in my entire life. Thank you.
Let me start right there by telling you that. You could be Amy Schumer's stunt double if you weren't already funnier than her. Good. Oh, hey.
I love it. We're going there tonight. Katie, welcome back. Thank you.
So, you covered a lot of ground there. How old are you? I'm 33. 33.
How long have you been on stand-up? It's coming up on three years. Three years. I love it.
How's it been going for you? All of it here in Texas? Yes. You started in Austin?
Yes. Very cool. All right. So, you perform a lot?
Yeah, I try to. How do you make money? I have a job. What's your job?
I work for a coupon company. A coupon company? Yeah. Those still exist?
Yeah, they do. Wow. I bet you know the Jewish girl that Hans has been hooked up with. We're having fun here tonight.
It's a comedy show. Not to be taken out of context at any point. Okay. So, the coupon company and what else?
That's just a regular 9-5 job. That's how I get my money. Okay. Very good.
You like it? Yeah. It's fun. We chatted about this a little last time.
I'm an offshore manager, so I was telling you, we hire people from India to help us do everything. You like niggas? Wow. Look at that little head shake.
She really does. We can do something with that little Lazy Suzy body booty. Yeah. You guys like me on Hinge a lot.
Yeah, you like niggas. Oh, my God. Katie. Katie.
She didn't hesitate. He's like, you like niggas? She's like, I like niggas. Yes.
Yes, sir. I like niggas. Yes. Yo, Rogan's here.
I like niggas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that your preferred type of guy? Is it a black guy?
She's like, no niggas. If anyone that likes me, I'm into that. Anyone that likes you, you're into that. So the answer is yes.
Hans Kim, you're on deck. Hans Kim. No. I don't think Hans could close with this one at all.
Okay. So you have a current boyfriend or anything like that? Talking to somebody, but nothing official. Talking.
So you didn't talk to a nigga, though. Not this time. Yeah. This is just a plain white guy.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Nothing sadder than being stuck with a plain white man in the year 2022. Do you guys know what this music is from? This is Bill Bixby, the Hulk, when he's walking away. Yeah, it is.
I did know that, and I'm surprised you nailed that. I thought you were going to fucking say Riders on the Storm or Flashbacks or something like that. Oh, my God. This is real Nixby.
That's who this is. Niggity Cricket. Katie, what do you like to do for fun when you're not with black men? Get any hobbies or anything like that?
Yeah, I have a dog, so I like that. I like doing karaoke. What's your song on karaoke? How do you compare a nigga to a dog?
Oh, my God. Michael Vick. Michael Vick. I'm outraged.
What's your go-to karaoke song? I like 90s songs, so pretty much anything from there. But I mean, that's a very long. I know.
What's the song that you sang recently? You like EPMD or White Snake? That's 80s, Joe. That's 80s.
What happened to that hand? No, no. White Snake was like 90s, right? Don't fuck with the White Snake.
91. That's for you to slam my head. I'm so confused. I've had so many confusing thoughts.
The show's out of control already. Yeah. What do you prefer? Like Asa Bass, Shania Twain, Cole, Brooks and Dunn.
Yeah, brother. Brooks and Dunn. Bands and not songs. Oh, um, That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain.
Okay, why don't you try? Why don't we get a little? Would you guys like to hear a little sample? She's a comedian, but don't you guys want to hear what might happen?
Yeah, yeah. Can I request one? Can you do DMX as my nigga? Wait a second.
That's not Shania Twain whatsoever. Shut him down. Open up, Sean. Wow.
DMX needs chaos. Oh, yeah. I ain't mad at you, nigga. Da-da-da-da-da.
Da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, white girl. I ain't mad at you, nigga.
Damn. Turn that motherfucker up. Yeah. Hey, turn that motherfucker up.
Yeah. Yeah. Turn that motherfucker up. We're not going to live forever, ladies and gentlemen.
It's not normal. H&R would not approve of this. H&R. It's okay.
Humans in. We can all love each other without corporate control. We need to talk about Bill. H&R is going to be pissed about this.
Oh. I love this shit. You can't really control a rocket ship like this. You just shoot it up and let the fucking axis and shit.
It's like gravity do its job at some point. One second, I'm saying, what's Shania Twain's song you're going to sing? Next thing you know, Freddie's dry-humping this girl into fucking planet. I couldn't help you.
I couldn't help you. It was the right thing to do. I asked if she liked niggas. I gave her distance.
We did it. We solved problems. We solved problems. We solved problems.
All right. Okay. Katie, I don't even think we're going to get to your Shania Twain. That's fine.
I think the window is closed. Another great performance. Congratulations. Thanks for having the balls to sign up and do stand up here.
Here, have a big joke from The Great Bones. Yes! This is a legit, real leather joke book. Good job.
Back to the bucket. We go. Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Yasha Kuzman, everybody. Yasha.
What? What? Here we go. Yeah.
What's up, everybody? Fuck yeah. I'm a little upset. My girlfriend broke up with me because I peed the bed.
Which, that's a bit harsh, don't you think? You peed the bed one time and you get dumped? I mean, in her defense, I was standing over the top of her when I was doing it. I shouldn't have aimed for her mouth either.
That was too far. That was too far. So sometimes I go on dates. I recently went on a date and I just knew right away it wasn't going to work out because I was a Scorpio and she was a bitch.
You guys heard the new COVID joke? You probably won't get it. All right. Last one for you.
So I'm really bad at relaying messages. Like my mom will tell me, Yasha, tell your brother, don't worry about paying me back the $20, right? So then I will tell my brother, mom said, you're a mistake. And you owe me $20, motherfucker.
Yasha Kuzman. You're Yasha Kuzman? You do not look like a Yasha Kuzman. I'm sorry.
You look like a Cooper Spencer or something like that. What's Yasha Kuzman? Oh, no, it's Russian. You're Russian?
Oh, sure, shit. Oh, boom, boom. I think they finally launched their bombs on us, everybody. God damn it.
Hell yeah. Well, first of all, I think you should go to jail right now. Not just because you're Russian. But when you peed, you'll be like R.
Kelly. If he's in jail, you should be in jail, too. Yep. No doubt about it.
That's fair. Is that a true story? You really peed the bed? Dude, Robert Kelly got to be in jail.
This white nigga could be here. I don't believe him. No, no, no. We need some fucking justice.
All right. This nigga peed on his bitch, too. I didn't hit the bed once. Was she of age?
What? Was she of age? All right. Yasmin.
Yasha. R. Kelly. Russian Kelly, shit.
Russian Kelly. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? All together in like four or five months. That's not enough time for this experience.
Yeah. This person, this experience, it requires experience. You're not ready, sir? This experience requires experience.
You're not ready for Freddie Gibbs? That's what she said when she got to sell this dick. I thought you were two-up, too, bitch. Yes.
All together. Blunts, Hennessy. It was nigger day for him today. Not nigga.
It's Joe Rogan. And I'm the designated nigga. I don't know what to do right now. Yasmin, you're so boring that another podcast started while you were up here.
A totally different podcast. Yasmin, if I was four months in, I'd be fucking it up just like you. Welcome to the brand new podcast. The experience is the experience.
That's the nicest way I was ever told that I was born. It's true. Four months in, I was likely to bomb historically. Hey, hey, hey.
Yasmin, Yasmin, don't listen to these niggas. Yasmin, don't listen to these niggas. Quit your job. I quit my job.
I did. You go to school via what? With VA stuff. VA, you in Army then?
I was in Army. That's how you say he's in the Russian Army. Okay. I love it.
What branch were you in? Army. This nigga in the Russian Army. He just told you he's Russian in the Army, man.
Don't fuck around with you, man. Hell yeah. This nigga get benefits from Vladimir Putin. Have you ever met a Ukrainian person?
Yeah. Do you naturally not get along with them? I keep evading their house, so. Oh, there you go.
There you go. You little cheese ball, you. I like your style. You know how to roll with it.
Okay, it used to be my house. Whoa, whoa, no. Do you like niggas? I love them.