Imagine yourself in Ottawa, surrounded by thousands of vibrant tulips, and discovering your new favorite microbrew before cycling along scenic by paths, and wandering through a museum and all. Adventure awaits in Ottawa from oh to ah, plan your getaway at Ottawa2erism.ca Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show.
And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road. And we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates.
Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirt, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebel, he is the house artist.
He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbel.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Tony.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band and you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony. That's my friend.
Fuck yeah, Austin, you guys have to make more noise than that. Are we doing this shit tonight or what? Oh boy, hey look, it's Brian Red Band everybody. That guy invented podcasting.
You're a Kill Tony, sponsored by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. Guys, how about a hand for that band that you just saw for him? That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John Dees on the keys.
Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. And this of course is our best friend in the world. Greshop of 50th birthday, D-Badness is here everybody. On the mother fucking bass.
This is Kill Tony brought to you by Red Rose Yellow Rose White Claw and Red Bull. Look at all those different colors on our sponsorships. What the fuck's up with that? I just noticed that right now.
Red Rose Yellow Rose White Claw Red Bull. And also the W Hotel where now you can stay with a discount on Sunday and Monday nights by using the code word Kill Tony at check-in. Save 25% off the W Hotel here in Austin, the newest sponsor of Kill Tony. Also, shout out to CM Smokehouse and here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors of Nate Tonight's episode available for you right now.
Hey y'all, I'm back out on tour doing stand-up comedy. Come see me live in your city or around your city. April 8th and 9th, I'll be in Philadelphia. April 21st to the 23rd, come see me in Miami.
May 5th through May 7th, Phoenix, Arizona. I'm back with you. And May 20th and 21st, I'm back in Salt Lake City, Utah, a place with an unbelievably great sense of humor. So come out, see me on tour and maybe I'll give you a high-fiver, I'll spit in your mouth or something.
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and Chris Red Busdown is inspired by the crew's real-life chemistry conversations and friendship. The result is in a reverent, offbeat, unpredictable swirl of hijinks and absurdity. We know these guys. I've worked with Jack Langston, Sam and Chris literally for over a decade.
I mean, they're the best. I'm so happy about this opportunity for them and the show. Seems great. You know what it's about, Red Dam?
Yeah, the friends navigate obstacles and opportunities in and out of the workplace, including, but not limited to, climbing a very short career ladder, fending off horny church ladies, and hiding from your best friend during a fist fight at the Fondue Factory. Oh my goodness. In a moment where everyone has something to say, the four friends relish saying not much of anything, or alternatively, the dumbest thing possible. Look, these are our funny friends.
Check it out. Busdown is streaming now, only on Peacock. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Alright.
Beautiful. We have the great Ryan J.E.Vell drawing tonight's episode, the brand new Vol.3 Kill Tony the Artwork book is available now at RyanJEVell.com. And yeah, tonight's guests, ladies and gentlemen, we always have one of the funniest people in the world on this week. No different.
I'm so excited about this. It's his first time as a guest on the show. I'm trying to get him to do this for years. Comedy Store paid regular.
Legendary comedian. One of my favorites. Tom Popeye everybody. Wow.
Fuck yes. The great Tom Popeye everyone. He's here. Live in the flesh.
Hell yeah. My man, Tom Popeye is on tour. Tickets available at TomPapa.com. Make sure you see him when he comes to his town.
But right now he's in Austin, Texas. Austin, are you excited about Tom being here everybody? We're going to watch Stand Up Comedians try their hardest tonight, Tom. I'm very excited.
We're going to do this shit. You're a veteran of the game. You know what's going on. Have the show with you.
Something go wrong with the lights? It's a special lighting change. Sexy and awesome. Whoa.
There it is. Hell yeah. So you guys know how it works. There's a few regulars that do a new 60 seconds every week and also a bunch of comedians.
Maybe you and the audience signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds. If I pull their name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up there or else they're going to bring out the angry west of Hollywood bear.
And then immediately after they're set, I interviewed them and asked them about their lives. We find out more about them. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? This is it.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen. Getting things started tonight for us as always instead of going to this bucket and having there be an opportunity where someone just comes up here and bombs and freaks us all out too much. Instead I like to start the show with somebody who consistently kills.
He was the newest regular on the show. He just got past a few months ago here and has been opening for me and Joe Rogan ever since. Here were the brand new minute. It's Hans Kim everyone.
Here we go. I'm sad that the pandemic is over. I love wearing my mask because I'm a liberal and I love smelling my own fear. It turns me on sexually.
Oh yeah. I love being a Kill Tony regular. It gives me a certain level of power that I use to try to get laid. But it has been really working out for me.
I've been making a lot of friends. It really makes me respect Harvey Weinstein more. He made it look easy. I've been trying to cut down on porn.
I think porn is unhealthy because it creates an unrealistic expectation of women. It shows them saying yes and having fun and experiencing pleasure. Thank you. Wow.
Hans Kim. Every week. You make this look so easy. Bang, bang, bang.
New joke, new joke. All on you. What? It's kind of hard.
Yeah. No, it's good. But you've been doing your homework. Yeah, I love homework.
I know you do. Absolutely. You are a master of the art. Is this all true?
Have you been cutting back on porn? I tried Tuesday. You tried to cut down on porn on Tuesday? How long did you last?
About 36 hours. Wow. Look at that. And when you finally went back to porn, what kind of porn do you like to look into?
Are you a combination women or white girls? Yeah. You just said yes to everything. They're all pretty good.
They're all pretty good. It's very inclusive art porn porn. I watch this Japanese massage porn where they do the armpits. Explain to me exactly what the fuck you're talking about.
You said that we all know. It's like your home page when you get any iPhone or something like that. We have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, D-Manus has a hell of an imagination now.
That's the thing. So these women slash victims, they go to a massage parlor and then the masseuse starts concentrating on their armpits and they're like, it's like really, they don't, it's kind of annoying and weird and then they start working on their vaginas after that. Wait, Tom, it's so weird how you go from liking someone so much to wanting to get out of the same room as him. So he changed my vision of him in less than a minute.
The jokes were like, holy shit. And I'm like, holy shit. Oh shit. I'm sorry, Tom.
Wow. So Hans, what else has been happening this week in your normal life? You always have interesting stuff happening. Other than trying to hold back on porn for a bit.
What else have you? I put on Instagram that I was throwing a house party and then all these people DM'd me for the address and then I just gave it to them. Wow. So stupid.
Well, you say it like you weren't planning on having a house party. Did you have the address on the original post? I said DM'd me for the address. Oh, but then the people in the comments all started posting the address by the way.
I saw. They did it. Yeah. So did you have a house party?
Yeah, I had a good time. A bunch of dudes came over. Watch some armpit porn. Oh my goodness.
So what do you guys do? You and the dudes that came over? We watched the UFC. It was on Saturday.
We did some karaoke. We lit a campfire. Well, UFC, huh? You're like, wow, there's a bunch of dudes here.
How do we get more dudes here? Get some dudes barely wearing anything wrestling with one another in the mix. And how do we get them to leave? Karaoke.
What do you sing for Karaoke that night? Mulan, I'll make a man out of you. Wow. Wow.
Incredible. Not only did you make girls pussy's dry up right then, you also made their armpits dry up. Oh my goodness, Hans. So you sang karaoke?
Was there any females there at all? There were like seven. Wow. Goodness.
And then you just were friend zoned all night? Yeah. There was one time we took a girl upstairs and then I showed her around and then we went downstairs. Oh, wow, there was nothing to that story.
So ever. Here comes something, absolutely nothing. We went upstairs, we went downstairs. This is a half bath.
This is a closet. Did you show her all the rooms? What was she saying that made you feel like you weren't succeeding in your maneuvers? She was like, okay, where's the party at?
She was like, wow, it's so dark in here. You need more lights? Hell yeah. Given fucking Martha Stewart at Tori, her play is like this.
She was designing. She was having a good time. She left. And then there were six.
Hans, I absolutely love you. Every single week you come out, you get the party started with a brand new minute. You're the man. We love you so much.
How about I hand for Hans. Alright, now we go to the bucket where anything could happen. Could be a homeless person. Could be a local legend.
Anything can happen starting right now. And your first comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Chris Keene. Everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted.
Going to Chris Keene. Chris Keene. Oh, there he is. Here's Chris Keene.
Everybody, one more time for Chris. Thanks guys. Nice to be here. I've been working a lot.
I work in customer service. Everyone I work with is angry. They got to wear a mask to work. It doesn't bother me, man.
I've been wearing a mask to work for years. It's called a smile. I've been trying to find a new job. It's tough, man.
A lot of people worry about illegal immigrants stealing our jobs, but I think it's the rock stars. Every Craigslist job ad looking for rock star waiter, rock star janitor. I got to sell 10 million records to take out the trash. I even saw an ad looking for a rock star maid.
Ah, yes. Just like my idol, Bruce Springlean. I always wanted to be a rock star in high school, man. My high school, everyone had a nickname in my high school.
There was this super popular kid named Jack Morris, so everyone called him J-Mo. Then there was this other kid named Tim McCarthy and everyone called him Timmy Mac. Yeah, what's up Timmy Mac? I'm Chris Keene, so everyone called me Fag.
Thanks guys. There you go. Chris Keene. With a little F bomb there at the end.
How are you Chris? Good. How are you? You're an interesting looking guy.
What ethnicity are you? I can't figure you out. You look like Robert Downsey Jr. I'm Armenian.
Armenian. Oh, look at you. All right. I haven't seen one of y'all since I left Los Angeles.
This is wild. Hell yeah. What are you doing in Austin? I just moved here from Los Angeles.
Right. Pasadena? Do I know? Do I even have Pasadena?
I was in Encino. It's all the same. I love it. So what do you like about Austin?
How long have you been here? I've been here for like six days or something like that. Okay. Do you go to HEB or do you go to HEB?
My father thinks... Just one guy got that. Okay. I mean, I'm murdering up here right now, but I guess only this guy's paying attention to my racial, local reference jokes.
Go back. When the episode comes back, go watch it. Watch the part that you missed. What do you do for fun?
See, the kind of guy that always has a pair of dice on his pocket or something like that. You must do something for fun. I like watching movies. I like movies alone.
Okay. You go to the movie theater? Yeah. By yourself?
Usually, yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. You ever sniff the person in front of you?
It's the vibe that I get. It's that you're there for the sense that you don't get the popcorn because you don't want to clutter up your nose. What's the last movie that you saw? I saw...
Shit, man. I saw Jackass. That was great. It really was.
It really was great. We've had a lot of those guys on the show and our families are all closely related to the Killtonian Jackass family. So, I gotta say, I mean, unbelievable. For those of you that didn't go see it, go see it.
It's unbelievably hilarious. You saw that in Encino? Yeah, in Sherman Oaks, yeah. Okay.
What's your job? What's your job? What do you do for them? Oh, man.
Well, I just moved here. I just do like delivery driving and stuff like that. Oh, you're a driver. So, you really are Armenian.
Super cool. Amazing. I knew that the new word driving was coming whether it was taxi or delivery. Something.
You guys love driving. What kind of car do you have? You have a black Mercedes? A white one.
We usually have like yellow cars and stuff like that, man. Yeah. What do you say? What I asked you do about yours?
Oh, I just got a Chevy Cruz. Yeah. Well, okay. Not very exciting.
All right. Okay. Why did you choose Austin? I just, it's cheaper.
I need to save money. I'm old, man. How long have you wanted to do stand-up comedy for your whole life? I was a musician for a long time.
I started doing comedy a couple years ago. You started a company? Oh, I started doing comedy a couple years ago. Oh, yeah.
You were a musician in a band? Yeah, I was in a band. We were called Mean Creek. We toured a lot.
Okay. What did you do in the band? I played guitar and stuff. I was in the band.
I was in the band. I was in the band. We were called Mean Creek. We toured a lot.
Okay. We were like, what's wrong? Really? Yeah.
Wow. Interesting. Like just regular electric guitar? Yeah.
Okay. Why are you laughing right now? I don't know, man. It's a comedy show.
No. No. No. Don't clap at that.
No. No. Don't clap at that. You're supposed to be laughing.
You fucking assholes. Not the cast. Oh, so brilliant. Oh.
Shut the fuck up. It's getting an asshole to me up here. Regular electric guitar was pretty funny. What do you think?
If we gave you a guitar, would you play a little song and sing something for us right now? Jesus. I don't know what to play, man. I haven't played in a while.
I can play. Can you try something? Can you try? Okay.
Chris seems a little shy, but I think he's going to get into it. If I know anything, we could get him. Spray him with Cologne. He'll get excited real quick.
It's Armenian. Give you a couple of sports of aqua-jorchia. Drakhar. Hell yeah.
This is it. This is the grandfather of the lead singer of System of a Down Everybody. This is the great Chris Keene blessing us. I haven't played guitar in a long time.
I'm sorry. I got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I got the month of May. All right.
Chris Keene, everybody. Wow. Chris, you need to stop doing comedy, my friend. You need to get back to your roots.
Start touring his Bruce Spring clean. Chris, thank you so much. That was amazing. That was very, very special.
Thank you. I'm going to show you a joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas. That's made by the great Bones Eye, who not only makes these amazing joke books by hand every week, but his brother also made us made Red Band and I brand new Kill Tony ashtrays.
How cool is that? You have to sort of be closer to appreciative. You get it. All right.
Quinn Collins is next on Kill Tony. Here we go. You guys having fun out there? All right.
Here she is. Make some noise one more time for Quinn Collins. I used to be a hooters girl and when you get a good review, they read your review before the shift in front of everybody. My favorite one is a five star that said so glad hooters started having her list looking girls.
So, Quinn in my book. Dating when you're stupid is kind of hard. I was talking to this guy recently and he told me that we're platonic and I was like, what are the earth-shifting plates that you're my boyfriend? Fuck.
Turns out that means you're all fucking but you're not going to meet his friends. Another guy asked me what my favorite position was. I told him I was going to be short-stop but I was real scared of the ball so they kept putting me in outfield. I'm trying to find four lee flovers.
It's fun. I'm trying to go. There you go. Quinn Collins with 53 seconds of stand-up comedy.
There you go. There's the cat. There you go because Red Van loves that after someone has done. So I waited for that to happen.
There you go. Quinn Collins, welcome. How long have you been to stand-up comedy? Two years.
Two years. Okay. How long have you worked at Hot Topic? First of all, it's not a face Tony.
It's who I am. Hell yeah. Absolutely. So you're a member of the Adams family.
I am. Absolutely. It's a witchy woman if you will. They are compliments.
Okay. This lady is very, very horny up there. So Quinn, how long have you been on stand-up? Two years.
Two years. What do you do for work? I just graduated so I just serve in Barton right now. Servin' Barton.
Okay. People wooing for graduating. That's cool. A lot of dropouts are Kill Tony fans people.
I love it. What did you graduate with a degree in? Communications. Wow.
Okay. What are you planning on doing with that? Nothing better than an um from a communication major. Perfect.
A lot of skipping class, huh? Yeah. I like your style. Okay.
So you just serve in Barton. What do you like to do for fun? Um, well I recently started running when I first moved here. Something like Healthy to do and then I got hit by car.
Oh shit. Yeah. It was like they were supposed to stop because there's a four way stop and I was like oh I'll keep pace because you know. But they weren't stopping so then like I like tried to slide down some kind of like ricochet off their car and like got checked off and hit my head.
Wow. When did this happen? Like uh two weeks after I moved to Austin. Okay.
At night and all black. No it's like broad daylight. Oh it's hilarious. Oh my God.
Sometimes you wear different stuff. You were wearing something right away. I do. I do wear different stuff sometimes.
I'll hurt for you. Um not that bad. Like I said I just got kind of straight up and like hit my head like a little bit but uh. On the cement.
On the cement. Right. Like a scrape, hit your head or like a doof. I get to like a doof.
Yeah. Like a doof. Did the guy stop? No they kept going.
They kept going. Really. Did you get his license player hit and run? No.
No. I just got hit by car. I like jawed their license plate down. Wow.
It was a hit. It was a run and a hit and a run. So Quinn what made you want to start doing stand up comedy? Um well I kind of started because uh I got a few friends in like Christian stand up and I'm from Knoxville Tennessee.
Uh so I kind of started doing it that way and it kind of stuck and uh I don't do Christian stand up. What the fuck is Christian stand up? I feel like it must be the opposite of whatever I'm doing. What's that?
But yeah it's uh and I just really liked it. Uh it's from like I just, it's not so such a cool little comedy scene to be honest. You give me an example of like a Christian stand up joke that you had. It's like the dude setting like the Chick-fil-A songs and then like the Christian mom share it on face but they get it.
What? It's like they sing songs about Chick-fil-A and it's like all super clean. No. Yeah you realize how much I wish I was kidding Tony I'm telling you the truth.
Wow Knoxville Tenn, what's the dumbest thing you ever saw in Knoxville Tennessee? Oh my god. I'm from Appalachia. That's a very broad amount of things I could say.
I don't know. Um I think well we see a lot of uh like there's like the Christian signs everywhere so it's like everywhere there's like a like constant like church things uh Jesus is coming is a big one. Oh shit. See you at my energy.
Alright. Alright. Interesting. Were you raised religious?
Was your family religious? I was raised uh Southern Baptist. What do your parents think about you doing stand up? My dad thinks it's super cool uh so like my both my parents think it's really neat um it's one of those where it's uh like my mom will like listen to someone like stand up and she's really supportive because I'm 24 years old but she's like well I don't know Kwen you know your family does support things you do they might see it.
It's always kind of that but she's it was funny though so it's like they like it but. Right. What did they think about Hooters? They like they love Hooters wings.
They what? They love Hooters wings and I like always want home. Oh wow so they were happy. Yeah.
As long as you don't work on Sundays that's all that matters. Right. Hooters does make you happy. I don't know.
Hooters makes you happy? Yes they're slogan. Oh okay. They used to have a different one right?
I don't know. Right. You don't know much. Uh Kwen you have any special skills or talents or something like that you seem like the kind of girl that carries a slinky around with her or something like that.
That's so funny you say that. No fucking way. Oh man you got me good on that one. I was about to retire.
Do you have crystals or anything weird in your person? What the fuck? I have a moon ring. A moon ring.
I have a moon stone. Like it's a shit. It's like my girl reference here. No it's like a crystal.
Like a stone ring. Yeah absolutely. Do you do drugs? No.
Not at all. Do you drink? I do. I'm Ukrainian and Irish so I definitely drink.
Ukrainian and Irish. Oh wow. They say yeah. You like to drink and be poor and not have weapons to defend yourself.
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no we did it again. I feel like we were there.
A lot of people keep asking me especially recently like how I feel about the stuff going on in like Ukraine. Like similar to Joe Biden. I don't really know what's going on. Ahh you are correct.
Hell yeah. And also similar to Joe Biden you guys aren't good at going for runs. Nice. Nice.
Well Quinn fun times. I love seeing new faces on this show and congratulations. A fun new minute and we're going to give you a little joke book. Take a little joke book with you.
Made by the great phones. We're going to keep it moving along here. You know what let's get one of our new regulars up here. This guy.
I don't know why I said Hans is the newest regular. This guy is the newest regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute of standup. Every week that David Lucas is in here ladies and gentlemen this is Ellis H.
Here we go. Alright. Okay that's weird. You can tell he's a new guy.
Here he is everybody Ellis H. Oh man. Y'all looking good tonight boy. Grown in sexy in this bitch.
Y'all looking better than the last crowd I performed for that motherfucker looks sick. No bullshit you're not a dude came up to me and was like yo man you're doing good work. Um you're hilarious man. I'm un-backs but it's all good because you know laughter is the best medicine.
I said nah I'm pretty sure medicine is the best medicine. You can't go to St. Jesus with that bullshit. Laughs the best medicine.
They will kick your ass out of that hospital quick. Get on out of here. These ladies need medicine. But y'all I am just so tired of COVID.
I'm tired of it man but I feel like as soon as I want to be comfortable again you know. But I feel as though as soon as we start talking shit COVID run up like a goddamn gang member just fuck the fuck this bitch. What the fuck you say I'm new to you all over your ass bitch. Say it's fun again.
But what killed me man is just how it just keeps changing them new to you. Like it's a delta and then it's an omicron. And they talk about a vaccine. Fuck the vaccine.
We need out the misprimes in this bitch. Hell yeah. Ellis H. Very fun.
Ellis where were you? It took you a while to get up here. It's so unlike your people to be late for work. Oh shit.
You looked back like he was mad at you for that rim shot. Did you see that? He's like oh this guy's. No okay so I like usually it's one comic two comic three comic others.
But this time it was one comic two comic. Ellis H I was like fuck so I timed it all for all. Right what were you doing? I'll just practice some of my shit.
Oh you were? Were you like in front of a mirror or something like that? Oh no I was just pacing back and forth. Okay just going over it in your head.
Yeah. Hell yeah. Ellis has been going on in your life this week. We saw you last week.
Anything change? Anything new? You know what's crazy Tony? Okay right after I did myself whatever I was like damn I was illegally parked so I went to go see if there was parking available.
And then you hit a girl that was running? No go ahead. Oh no I was like okay no someone broke into my damn car. It's all it's all my backpack with my journals in it.
Like comedy journaling my jokes. That's like four years worth of material I was fucking pissed. Oh damn that sucks. Yeah man.
I was gonna say after I saw your set today I was gonna be like did somebody steal all your work and joke boats. That seems like you really just threw that together on your walk up here. Yeah I mean you are one of my most favorite people ever to make fun of because you really you really show your emotions immediately. No I was not because it's still tender and shit.
I'm just mad though because I was like I don't give a fuck about too much of anything. So that journal is like my fucking life. So I was thinking about finding the bum. Like going out on the streets looking for the motherfucker with my journal.
It would have been hard to find. I just got to find the funniest motherfucker in the streets. I would have been like that. There you go.
That's none of a bitch. Yep. Did you try the trash? There you go.