#55 Reciprocation of favors

This is another weird one. People don’t tend to choose it, and they often need help understanding it.Here’s how I explain it, imperfectly, when I’m sitting with someone doing the sort:Imagine I bring you a cup of your favorite beverage. Out of nowhere.What do you feel?Do you feel loved and cared for?Or do you feel a sense of urgency to reciprocate? Do you feel a sudden, heavy weight that you now “owe” me a beverage?Do you have a value for returning the favor? Or do you simply let love do the talking?I’m not rightly sure what I think about this card. Or what my level of value might be for this concept. Let’s explore it together.I guess in the worst circumstances, this value could produce anxiety.Every time something nice happens, it’s as though a burden is laid at the feet of the giftee. That would be heavy indeed.If I buy you lunch, and you spend the whole meal doing mental math on how to buy me a dinner of equal value to “settle the score,” we aren’t having a meal. We’re conducting a transaction, and I hate the ledger.I hate the idea that relationships are a balance sheet to be zeroed out.That feels antithetical to everything I believe about grace.But... let’s look at the flip side.Let’s say you make good on that promise to bring me a box of Island Punch Spindrifts.I would not probably feel like I needed to rush right out and buy you something of equal or greater value.What I would feel is loved and thought of.It would make me think you were paying attention to my words and my likes and you wanted me to feel seen.That, in turn, would endear you to me. And naturally, organically, I’d be on the hunt for a way to love you back.Is that Reciprocation of Favors?Yes, I suppose so.But there is a nuance here—The ledger vs. the echo.* The Ledger says: “I owe you.” (Definition: Avoidance of indebtedness). This is about me. It’s about clearing my name.* The Echo says: “I heard you.” This is about us. It’s about keeping the connection alive.If you shout into a canyon and there is no echo, the sound dies.If you pour love into a person and there is never any return—never a nod, never a thank you, never a mirrored kindness—the relationship eventually withers. Not because you were “keeping score,” but because flow requires a circuit.I think back to the Mycorrhizae from the last essay.The fungi give nutrients to the tree. The tree gives sugars to the fungi.They aren’t sending invoices. They aren’t worried about “indebtedness.”They are just living in a state of constant, fluid reciprocation. If one stops giving, the other dies.The danger, as established, is in putting things on the backs of another person in expectation of reciprocation.“I did this for you, so now you must do that for me.”That is manipulation. That is a trap.But the beauty is when the reciprocation is involuntary.When you love someone so much that you can’t help but return the serve.I don’t value “Avoidance of Indebtedness.” I am happy to be indebted to the people I love. I am happy to owe you my time, my ear, my heart.But I do value the Echo. I value the back-and-forth. The volley. The dance.So, if you bring me the Spindrifts, I won’t pay you back.But I will probably write you an absurdly long text message telling you how great you are.And that, I hope, is a melodic echo. Get full access to Nick Walton at nickfromoregon.substack.com/subscribe