Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live.
Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Death Squad shirt, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv.
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Go to RyanJEbell.com. And last but not least, TonyHitchClip.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Get up for it, Tony! Hitch Clip! Fuck yeah, Austin, you ready to do this fucking shit tonight or what, huh? Yippee!
Brian Red Band's here, everybody. Hey, guys. How about a hand for the band, ladies and gentlemen, am I right? Wow.
That's the great Matt Muehling on guitar, everyone. John, that is D Watts on the drums, John D's on the keyboard, and our good friend D Madness here on the bass guitar, everybody. Brought to you by Stripal Peanut Butter Whiskey, that is the Kill Tony Band. You are at Kill Tony.
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In your city, or around your city. April 8th and 9th, I'll be in Philadelphia. April 21st to the 23rd, come see me in Miami. May 5th through May 7th, Phoenix, Arizona.
I'm back with you. And May 20th and 21st, I'm back in Salt Lake City, Utah, a place with an unbelievably great sense of humor. So come out, see me on tour, and maybe I'll give you a high five or I'll spit in your mouth. Hey there, auto mechanics and super cool do-it-yourself guys who work on their own cars.
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But if you are a fan of Kratom, then it's time to stop overpaying or having to go to corner stores or gas stations to find it. So one more time, thank you to YoKratom for supporting the show. And if you're into Kratom, YoKratom is the one place where you can find $60 kilos. These guys are one of the biggest Kratom wholesalers, and they created YoKratom.com so that you can buy directly at incredible prices.
So one more time, it's YoKratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Austin, it's Monday night. There's literally nowhere better you can be.
Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? All right. Tonight's guest, one of my favorite human beings. This is the return of one of our favorite guests of all time, ladies and gentlemen.
From Los Angeles, California. This guy joined us at the Comedy Store. He's one of the greatest fighters of all time, everybody. The youngest ever champion in UFC history.
He makes a noise for our very good friend, the great Josh Barnett, everybody. Oh, yes. Powerful. Wow.
How exciting is this? Bloodsport. Warbringer bourbon. Powerful.
Josh Barnett. Hell, yeah. Wow. Give it up for the house, man.
I know. That Wish.com version of Voltroar. I like it. Josh, welcome.
Ever since it's become cool to slap comedians, I decided I'm exclusively booking UFC stars to be guests with me. Yeah. No doubt about it. Try me, bitches.
I know your girls have worse things than alopecia. You know what I'm talking about? That ain't happening tonight. Anybody tries to fuck with me, Josh Barnett is here.
That's right. That's right. Although I'm afraid of getting stuck with any dirty needles or anything like that. Yeah, it is.
You are visiting Austin. It is wild. I feel like home. Yeah, it is.
I always say 16 years in LA, I'm new trick with this. I got away from all those liberal fucking smartasses just to live here with a bunch of liberal dumbasses. That's Austin. I realize it's not.
I try to dress up and be more Texas, but the truth is I'm just trying to run from West Hollywood and I can't get away from it. Anyway, we're going to have fun tonight. Josh, you've done the show before. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage.
You know that 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Oh, it's the Angry West Hollywood Bear will come out. Oh, my goodness.
It's so loud and aggressive and annoying. And then I interview the people for a few minutes afterwards who find out more about them. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen.
You guys ready to start the show? Your first comedian doing 60 seconds today as a regular on this show. Since getting the role of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week, he's had the chance to open up for Joe Rogan and me on a regular basis. This guy is making a living as a comedian.
This is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim, everyone. Hey. I don't understand why Will Smith is so insecure about his wife's physical appearance. I mean, if she wasn't hot, we wouldn't have all fucked her already.
On Tuesdays at four. He's like, keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth. That's where her pussy goes. How are you supposed to make her come if you're talking so much?
Chris Rock should have been like, no, I wasn't trying to make fun of her. I was just trying to fuck your wife. I think the real victim in all this is Demi Moore. Who knew that Will Smith hated...
Holy shit, Demi Moore is up there right now. Who knew that Will Smith hated G.I. Jane so much? Maybe he should have said B for Bandetta.
Thank you, guys. Wow. Exactly one minute. The autism in full effect here this evening.
The great Hans Kim covering brand new topical stuff from last night. Who would ever guess that we live in a world where you could talk shit about Will Smith like that? You know what I mean? Get applause for it.
Yeah. Yeah, it's incredible. I thought it was funnier because I could never have sex with Jada Pinkett Smith, so... I think you probably could.
I think you should. Yeah, I think... I think it's not quite as hard as we think. Didn't she fuck a kid?
Like her own kid's friend or something like that? Something like that, right? Do you know the details, Hans? Yeah, he was 18.
Wow. Friends with her, she found a whole new Fresh Prince. You know, if you've got a Trapper Keeper, you could probably pass for a kid. Yeah, exactly.
100%. Fresh Prince of Sal Carrillo right here. Hell yeah. Hans, were you watching that?
What's your take on that? I don't think you should hit people. I think you should talk it out. You know, if he says something offensive, just be like, shake your head.
You ever slap anyone or didn't slap, Hans? I did punch a guy for throwing his burrito at me in New York. Whoa. Was it because it was a terrible New York burrito or was it because it was aimed at you?
Yeah, he was expecting Chinese food and I gave him a burrito. Oh, shit. You sold him the burrito? You worked at the burrito place?
No, he was just eating a burrito and he was looking at me. I looked back at him and he was like, what are you looking at? And I was like, fuck you. Wow.
Look at you. What a badass you are, Hans. Such a nerd. You have some deep hidden John Wick energies underneath there.
I was very, very confident somehow. Where do you think you'd get your confidence from? Just the knowledge that physical altercations rarely happen. So you're basically hedging your bets.
I'm probably not going to get this shit kicked out of me right now, so fuck him up. Hans, I'm always interested in keeping up with your love life. What's the weekly update here? You went from no action to getting booked on the show weekly and then all of a sudden your wildest dreams started coming true.
I love hearing about it. It's been amazing. I hung out with four women, got a couple kisses, got a couple dry humping. Whoa.
He's moving quickly. Hell yeah. But no sex except for my steady, the Ukrainian woman. She's holding me down.
Mad props. Slava Ukraine. I'm a good one. They're beautiful people.
I support them fully. Under their legs, under their stomach. Have you been sleeping with her regularly? Yeah, like probably two or three times a week.
And that's this week too? Yes. And you hung out with four other girls? How do you have this kind of time while also performing so much stand-up comedy?
It's crazy what happens when you don't have a job and Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan give you $100 bills regularly. Yeah, damn right. We expect that you pay those bills, by the way. Those are loans.
Hans, anything else crazy happen this week in your life? Everything good? I went to my friend's house to play a little game of Settlers of Catan and his... Yes.
And then his dog... I knew there was dorks in this room. Go ahead, Hans. I love Kim Sells.
I went to his house and then his dog actually bit me on the leg. Oh, shit. Oh, how mighty you've fallen, huh? The teacher has become the student and the student has become the teacher.
It's a case of your own medicine. Yeah. Your people went from biting into dogs and now they're biting into you. We actually have the dog.
We have him zooming in right now to the podcast. He's very disappointed that you're talking shit about him. All right. How did this happen, Hans?
What happened? I was like, hey, I'm coming in 15 minutes, but I was right outside their house. And then... Wait, you called the dog on the phone?
All right. Obviously, you guys didn't smoke the same strand as we. Wait, there we go. Okay, very good.
Thank you. Hello, is anyone there? Okay. So you called 15 minutes, but you were there.
And then what happened? And then I opened the door. I knocked open the door. And then he was like nipping at my hand.
And I was like, oh. I was like putting out really nervous energies, I guess. Yeah. And then I walked in.
I was like getting this blanket off the floor. And then he like, ark. And then, wow. What did you do?
I was like, oh, that hurt. And then some girl was like... You turned into a gay man when you got bit by this dog? All of a sudden, you retracted the dudes.
Oh, God, my ankle. I just stayed swept even. I'm just surprised that you're over there playing Dungeons & Dragons. You didn't make a savings throw or something.
Woo! See, I knew I was going to land. I love it. All right, Hans.
Well, a brand new minute. You did it again. Very, very good. You're just a fucking machine.
Everybody loves you. Anything else? Minus the dog. I'm happy to be here with Josh Barnett.
I love you. There you go. Look at that. That's respect right there.
Aim higher. That is my advice to you. I'm just really thankful. And thank you so much.
You'll pay for it later, but thanks. There he goes. The great Hans Kim, everybody. To the bucket we go.
The show begins now when we meet a complete stranger. Always exciting. Anything can happen. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight.
We know this young lady. Christina Mariani. We have movement? Okay, here she comes, everybody.
From deep in the upstairs all the way down. It's a big building here. One more time for Christina Mariani, everyone. Hi.
I haven't had sex in a while, but I've had a lot of really good food. Which is almost the same because both activities make me moan and afterwards I go vomit. It got pretty awkward the other night because I brought home a really good burger and the next day my housemate asked if I had an overnight guest. And I felt too awkward telling her I was making sex noise as to fast food.
So I was like, maybe. And she's like, no, come on. Who's the guy? And I was like, well, actually, it was five guys.
Okay. Thank you. Absolutely. That laugh lasted exactly as long as you thought it would.
Christina Mariani, welcome back to the show. Hi, thank you. How are you? Always funny you are, huh?
Oh, I don't think so. Okay, very good. Wow. Where do you get your confidence from?
I don't know. My mom. I like to think that this is what Chris Rock is like today. Is everybody okay?
I was thinking it was more like the Emo Phillips books on tape. The more emotional Emo Phillips. I love it. Christina Mariani.
So what's been happening in life? You know, I went to a wedding and my ex-boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend. So it was fine. I just didn't, you couldn't bring a plus one.
I was told. I think they lied to me. I don't know. It was fine.
Did this really happen? Yeah, it just happened just the other day. Wow. Where was this wedding at?
In Arizona. In Arizona. So these are like mutual friends of you and your ex, right? Yeah.
And you're both there. Did you guys make eye contact at all? We were sitting at the same table. Oh, my God.
Oh, dear God, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. It was okay.
It wasn't too bad. That's a more awkward table than the one that Jada Pinkett and Will Smith sat at outside of the Oscars. Let's see how many of these I do. We might have to release this one this week.
Two weeks ago is next week. How do you both know the bride and groom? Was it his friends or your friends? We dated in college, and so he was his friend first, but then I ended up living with them after.
So that's how we kind of all know each other. Did you wear backwards jeans to the wedding as well? Very rarely do people have the courage to wear their jeans backwards. I'm wondering if that was before.
I had to check. I had to make sure I might have. I don't know. Right.
Did you notice that his new girlfriend was giving you the evil eye or perhaps trying to be nice? Was there any plan of attack there or any communication? No. I tried to say hi, and he kind of just pulled her away.
I was like, oh, God, no. I guess I can't do that. You are so awkward. It is incredible.
I love it. This is wild. Christina is like every girl in the rom-com that takes off her glasses at the end and finds herself. You know what I mean?
She's so nerdy. What's not nerdy about you? What's some of the cooler things that you're into or that you do? Well, what do you think is cool?
Can you take off your glasses slowly? No. Red band. Red band.
Red band. Don't do that for her. Wait. Will you do it, though?
Will you do it for us? No? You won't just for a second? I feel super awkward.
Wait. You get more awkward if you take the glasses off? What happens? What exactly happens that makes you more awkward?
I don't know. I don't want to find out. I never leave the best. I can't take my glasses off.
I might get more awkward. That's incredible. Why do you think you're so shy and whatever that is? I feel like I've gotten better.
She's shaking way less than when she first came on. We're making strides. Yeah, we are. We're making improvements here.
Yeah, we're pretty good, honestly. We're confident. Tony Robbins, here we come. So, Christina, how about stand-up around here?
Have you been single for how long now? Like a while, I think. Right. Yeah, by choice, I think.
Do you get hit on a lot? I'd imagine because you're out there on the open mic scene and there's just tons of people everywhere every single night. You see a lot of the same people do. A lot of these comedians hit on you, I'd imagine, because they do.
They shoot their shots a lot, is what we know. Do they shoot their shots with you? It seems like they would. They're nice.
Right. They ever ask you if you need any help writing some afternoon or anything like that? No, they want to write together. I don't know.
But not help writing. I don't. I refunded someone yesterday because I didn't want to rate their dick pic. Wait a second.
Hold on a second. Explain to us what you're talking about. Well, I got a message on Instagram and they were like, I'll give you $50 if you rate me. And I didn't know that I meant his penis.
So what were you rating? I thought maybe like a picture of him. And then he sent you a picture of his penis. But first he made me and then he sent me a picture of his penis.
And so I was like, I'm sorry, I can't do this. So then I returned the $50. Oh my goodness. Sonny, can we take a look at this photo and rate it for you?
I blocked him after that. I don't know if I have it still. Right. But you did see the picture.
Yeah, unfortunately. And you have seen penises before. Just out of curiosity, even though you're not getting paid for it, what would you have rated it? One to a hundred, let's do.
Because then we get an even more defined. Instead of one to ten, let's do one to a hundred. I'm like how it affected me. You know what?
A hundred and one. Oh, wow. Yeah, I can't imagine how awkward you must have been after that happened. That's an interesting one.
Is there any times where your awkwardness gets you into trouble? Or your shyness? Any time you didn't say something? Maybe there.
That story was kind of one. But it wasn't too bad because it was online, I guess. I don't know. I can't think of anything off the top of my head right now.
Right, absolutely. All right, Christina. But, yeah. All right.
Christina, are you here Thursday? I would love to have you on the Secret Show. Whoa, there you go. Look at that.
Christina Mariani, everybody. There she goes. On to the next one. She's already got a book, right?
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Visit manulife.ca slash health to learn more ways Manulife can help. Um, okay. Back to the bucket. Let's get another one up here.
JC Madison is next on Keltoni. JC Madison. Here she is, everybody. One more time for JC Madison.
Thanks, guys. So, my husband just celebrated his 40th birthday. I thought it'd be nice to book him an orgy birthday party. I didn't think anyone would come.
We've been trying to spice things up in the bedroom lately, so we tried pepper spray. It led into blind role play. Kind of nice. It was cool.
Yeah, so, I'm left-handed, guys. I'm left-handed, and it means that God hates me, but I can give a really good reverse hand job. It's really weird, though. I have to, like, specially order stuff.
I had to order a special pair of scissors just to stab my husband. Yeah, it sucked. It's fucking expensive, guys. And the forensic people definitely know it was me because of the blood spatter patterns, you know.
All right, that's it. Thank you. JC Madison making her Keltoni debut. Am I correct?
Your first time here? No. Actually, we were here for the Valentine's Day show a couple, you know, a month ago. Yeah, I know when Valentine's Day is.
Yeah. Good. You performed on that show? I didn't.
Actually, my husband Chris did, Chris Walker. He came up. He performed. We were in a band called Tank Top.
That's right. You guys were on the show in Miami. Yes. That's right.
Yes, we were. We were in the Miami show. It was a lot of fun. Very good.
Absolutely. Yeah, so that was fun. Uh-huh. JC, how long have you been doing stand-up?
What the fuck did you just do up here tonight? It was bad. It was bad. I've been attempting.
Congratulations on being one of the three hosts of the Oscars last night, by the way. That's so cool. Thank you. I'm just glad I didn't get slapped in the face, so.
You did tonight. Oh, I know. This audience unified turned into one big Will Smith Megatron over here and slapped the shit out of you with the saddest thing you want to be slapped with. The only thing harder than a hand is the truth.
You know what I'm saying, everybody? It's true. Yeah, it's true. It felt good, though.
I like a little slap, you know. Okie-dokie, don't know what that means, but you are about as funny as cancer. Has anyone ever told you that before? Thank you.
I feel like I'm benign, though, you know? I don't think there's anything nine about you whatsoever. I love it. Be nine, maybe two.
JC, what do you do for a living? So I actually got a new job, like, last year. Okay. I'm a dental technician now.
Wow. Yeah, so I make dentures. Okay. Yeah, it's not exciting.
Okay. Yeah, so I make dentures, and I digitally, I 3D print night guards and stuff like that. It's a big industry in Florida, because of all of the meth heads. Gotcha, I see.
Are they going to afford dentures? Well, with insurance. When you're doing dental tech, do you tell people to stop eating candy and give it all to you? Yes.
Yeah. JC, when you're not playing music, what do you do for fun, other than the band that you're in? Shit, I do. What do you do in the band again?
So I sing, and I play guitar, I write songs for our band. Okay. And I'm also in a 90s cover band. I play bass.
What cover band is it? So it's called the Smashing Pixies. We're super nerdy. We basically just cover, we just cover the Smashing Pumpkins, well, the Smashing Pumpkins and the Pixies.
Oh. Yeah, so. That sounds very depressing. It is.
Yeah, you really, you don't want to see the people who come to our shows. It makes me want to kill me. It would have made more sense if you would have combined the names into the Pixkins, I do believe. Yeah, but then I'd eat the band and there wouldn't be a band, so.
Want to slap turns into a show? JC, would you mind giving us a little bit, did we hear you sing in Miami? Did I make you do it there? Let's hear a little version of something.
Why don't you tell the band something to play for a second? They're very good. They're nothing like your band. They can play anything right away, so.
Just tell them what you want. They'll immediately jump in. So just. Are you for real?
Last time I sang a song from Beauty and the Beast, so this is going to be awkward. Guys, guys, be like all of her teachers growing up. Give her an F, a D, and a C. No, wait.
Like, if I could, like, play the guitar, then I would do good, but. No, no, no. You think you can play the guitar and sing better than you can just sing with the band? Yeah, I'm not even kidding.
Matt, what do you think about this? Do you want to give this young lady, I mean. Thank you. Hell yeah.
Look at this. Yeah, that, yes. A musician would put it in there, yes. Yes, true.
I suppose that I might need it. It'd be super awkward bending over the table singing with a guitar. Are you ready to rock? I love this.
Look at this. Who said Meat Loaf was dead? Yeah. Shake your head down.
Oh, wow. Ladies and gentlemen. That was crazy. Yeah, you're living your dreams.
You're the music capital of the world. It's true. You just bombed. You have a chance at redemption right now.
This is Kill Tony. Maybe I could show you guys I'm a little better at music than comedy. I certainly fucking hope so. Should I do a cover or an original?
Just fucking kill it, JC. Go for it. Do you guys like Johnny Cash? Yeah!
I hear that train coming. It's rolling around the bed. And I ain't seen the sunshine since. I don't know when I'm stuck in Folsom Prison.
I hang my head and cry. Wow. JC Madison. I just wanted to listen to her all night.
I like your style. I think you should always do bad comedy before good music. I think that's a thing. You lower everybody's expectations.
Everybody's like, I hate this bitch. Get her out of here. And then all of a sudden you go up there and just fucking kill. You were smashing.
You were smashing and you're shaped like a pumpkin. That was incredible. Thank you. So, yes, Billy Corgan would be proud of me.
Hell yeah. I love you, Tony. I appreciate you. You absolutely killed.
Congratulations. You are indeed. You are right. You're a better musician than you are a comedian.
JC Madison, everybody. Thank you, guys. Take a big joke. That's from the great Bones Eye.
He makes those with his bare hands. I'll get better. Thank you, Tony. Got a real Texas letter.
Yes, we do have a very special regular, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, in the history of the... How many of you are longtime fans of this show? Yeah.
We are in for a very special treat right now. This is the return of a young man who absolutely is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Turns out he has a dilapidating disease that straight up kills you when you get it. And so he retired a few months ago.
However, he's been feeling sharp the past couple weeks and wants to continue to live his dream. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Michael Lehrer, everybody. Just one night on my fight. Just one night on my fight.
Now, I can only sing from now on because my vocal exercises make me have to resonate my tone in different parts of my face. So, I'm going to tell my jokes while I'm singing. Josh Barnett on my fight. Just ACDC, you fucking retards.
Five, six, seven, eight. Josh Barnett. Hey, Josh Barnett might be the heavyweight champion of the world, but I would fight his bitch ass. But I'm a cruiserweight.
Josh Barnett. I thought y'all were studio musicians. All right. Now, Tony, I can only talk clearly if I sing and I have an improv background.
And if the band gets their shit together, I'm going to improvise a song off of an audience suggestion, but then they'll have to start, I don't know, playing music. Hey, Michael, before we go on to this, just so you know, a lot of these songs we have to cut out of the actual episode. I don't think we have to worry about Michael Lair hitting the notes good enough to set off YouTube's algorithm, Red Band. It's actually, it's the music.
It's not the music. I'm pretty sure Michael's not going to shock us like JC Madison did. It's the chorus. When I was just a baby.
Bye-bye. Josh Barnett. Bye-bye. What are you?
For real? I've been working on my vocal actions, and to speak, I can only sing, and I know what joy that brings, so I want to sing, and I'll improvise it for all the dudes and for all the chicks. Okay. Do you want these suggestions?
Yeah. All right. Anybody have any suggestions for Michael's song? What?
No ACDC is what John Dee suggests. Tony, Tony, you know what? Oh, I got an idea if I may. Yeah, you may.
I'm an improv guru. Yes, he is. Josh Barnett, this is literally one of the greatest improvisers of all time. He had a shot at SNL.
He basically told them to go fuck themselves. And then God told him to go fuck himself. Oh, I had a great joke. I'm Josh Barnett if you're sitting right for three more fights.
That's good. Now, so I'd love to bring a silly, you know, different taste of the show. So I'd love to play a game right now called Words Worse. Words Worse.
All right. So you're going to get different occupations one at a time. And when I say one, you get a new occupation. But with that occupation, I'm going to give as many examples of the Words Worse version of that occupation.
Okay. I think I sort of get it. I don't know. So listening to you, I feel like I just got shot by a horse tranquilizer.