Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony check out our website death squad dot TV There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates You can come see us live every Monday. We're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas But we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also so go to death squad dot TV and click on tour dates Our website for all the merchandise is shop squad TV there. You have to kill Tony shirt Death squad shirts hats everything at shop squad dot TV Ryan J Bell he is the house artist he draws every episode he sells prints of all the drawings He does and we have the kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff go to Ryan J Bell dot com and last but not least Tony Hinchcliffe dot com for everything golden pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Austin, Texas, it's fucking 430 in the afternoon. Are you guys ready to do this shit or what?
Yeah, I'm a infrared man everybody. Hey everybody Welcome to kill Tony brought to you by the yellow rose on the red rose It's just so having to be the two best trip clubs in the entire world. They're both here in Austin, Texas How cool is that? Guys, how about a hand for this band everybody?
Does it get any better than that? Matt Muelling on guitar Michael Gonzalez on drums And that right there's the great D madness on the bass guitar Good morning fellas. Yeah, it really is. We had a blast here last night We're here again South by Southwest is happening and for some reason we decided to do daytime shows the Sun out Look what I mean though.
Hell yeah, they are the very best at what they do and so is red bull white claw in the W Hotel where now if you come on a Sunday or Monday night use the promo code kill Tony save 25% so many cool sponsors that keep this Machine running and here's a little bit more but the amazing sponsors that made this episode available for you here right now Hey, y'all. I'm back out on tour doing stand-up comedy come see me live April 21st to the 23rd come see me in Miami May 5th Through May 7th Phoenix, Arizona. I'm back with you and May 20th and 21st. I'm back in Salt Lake City, Utah Place with an unbelievably great sense of humor so come out see me on tour and maybe I'll give you a high-fiver I'll spit in your mouth or something.
Hey y'all. I'm telling you I am loving the year 2022 things are happening We're getting back on our feet everybody's doing live shows. I'm back on tour and most importantly I'm happy about my health right now I've been doing a lot of crazy exercises a lot of hydrating and I'm able to do that because of amazing liquid IV What a game changer one stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone with amazing flavors Like watermelon lemon lime strawberry peanut colada and more it helps me stay healthy I'm doing intense long days in the Sun out there golfing doing a little bit of fucking hot yoga as of late and Liquid IV is a game changer. I don't even drink normal water anymore I mean I mix it in but liquid IV is what I use to literally survive these hard hangovers hard exercise routines Liquid IV is a godsend red band you do not exercise But you know exactly about liquid IV I drink and I tell you it helps me with that every night before I go to bed Liquid IV when I wake up I go to that refrigerator.
I get one of those big bottles of ice water freezing cold I put my golden cherry liquid IV in there and man. It is so refreshing. Yeah, absolutely I agree liquid IV is also really good people. They've donated over 19 million servings of their product globally to the people that need it the most It's just incredible.
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They have the gummies. They have the vapes It's great I didn't think it was gonna work when I first did it because you know you're kind of question things like this But oh my god, it works I get messed up on this so if you're over the age of 21 and living in the majority of the states where this is legal Go to yodelta.com and stock up on delta 8 what is delta 8? Well, it's found in hemp and can be legally shipped to various states and get you high at yodelta.com You can find a mix of gummies vapes for all your getting stone needs I can tell you that delta it works and all these products should be taken responsible So once more that's yodelta.com the official delta 8 sponsor of kill Tony and if you use promo code Tony You're gonna get 25% off. So once more that's promo code Tony for 25% off yodelta home of the delta 8 that will get you super high Hello y'all fans of this show over the age of 21 I want to tell you about yodelta the home of the $60 kilo.
How much $60 for what a full kilo of cratum? That's right. If you're currently a fan of cratum you can get it for our newest sponsor yodelta Yodelta 8 that will get you super high Hello y'all fans of this show over the age of 21 I want to tell you about yodelta 8 that will get you super high Yodelta 8 that will get you super high So we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this week no different two of my favorites two of the best in the world Two ladies that I've been doing this with for over a decade two of my besties two of my favorites It's the great Punky Johnson and dicey everybody Wow Saturday nightlife Punky Johnson and The Los Angeles gangster the Dallas murder Hi dicey come on and sit down make yourselves at home Hell yeah, welcome to the show ladies. How are you?
Oh shit? Father everybody this is excited I said that's your dad. I miss my own disc fuck. That's my dad.
Yeah, you're like you're like she madness It's a badness Tony. I don't want to start with you. Okay. Oh shit.
Don't make me start with you Oh, oh fuck you look like you should be flying a helicopter when you go. Oh come on You know wrong part of town. Oh, oh the band's gonna jump in on this too An extra long fucking ring shot there Matt Muelling's doing his own guitar solo on this you gotta be fucking oh Welcome welcome Punky you've done the show dicey the strip first time dicey has a podcast called the imperfection we've done gigs you ladies have I worked with me for years on the road opening and featuring and whatnot So we're gonna have fun. You guys know what you're in for we do have one more special treat This is a there's a massive festival going on.
So you guys want a special treat Joining the band tonight former band member of the show for hundreds of episodes here for this episode right now ladies and gentlemen the legendary Jetsky Johnson is here everyone What what is happening? Holy shit the stone cold assassin The picker of moments the chooser of words Welcome back Jetsky. I'm excited to see you and you were trumpet Hell yeah room room so she's gonna be joining the band all night She has a live microphone because she's an established star on the show and you guys know how it works a bunch of people Sign up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds uninterrupted stand-up comedy some people get big breaks out of this they get work out of this Show some people just fail miserably right in front of our eyes and it's incredible and it just is so it's just it fills apart It's like bone marrow. It's like a special high quality part of Satisfaction that you get from watching somebody completely fail at their dreams with an opportunity to really do something great After the 60 seconds of your the sound of a kitten and they have to wrap it up or sleep ring out the angry West Hollywood bear Just just really allowed an annoying sound so and that's it And then I talked to them afterwards interview them find out more about their lives and they get to deal with the forces of punky dicey Jetsky and the soundboard of red band you guys ready to start this fucking episode?
Jesus Christ Just having like one of those fast explanation parts guilty of the show which is gonna give me these sports But just fucking do that instead of me having to say that every episode I guess I've explained it to some of these fucking look at these we're he travelers that we have Anyway, this is it let's start it with a regular everybody here with a brand new minute this guy a regular form Six months now makes a noise for him the legendary Hans Kim everyone All right, here we go. It has begun 60 seconds uninterrupted new material from Hans Kim. Hey It's gonna be here in Texas. I've been dating a lot more conservative women or I'd like to call them the daughters of the Confederacy They keep trying to break up with me, but I went them back after four years of bloody struggle They keep making statues to their ex and they won't take it down kind of annoying I don't understand conservative women.
You're just gonna let men what to tell you what to do with your body That sounds like a liberal thing to do. You should try to win instead of just letting men win I don't respect you would don't try to win Good to be here. I accidentally came on this girls sheets and she was like oh I have to wash these now What a hassle, but if she came on my sheets, I want to watch those things for days I'd wear it as a cape go to a bar Everyone thinks Asian women are sexy not everyone thinks Asian men are sexy Which doesn't make any sense because how do you think Asian women are created me fucking? I'm a crucial part of the sexy process.
Please. I'm trying to get me. All right. Thank you adorable I mean is there anything cuter in the world in a brand-new minute from Hans Kim welcome back, sir.
Thank you for having me Okay, you sort of a you sort of lost everybody for a second. Yeah, which is a rare treat coming from you Yeah, I went political and yeah, it's four in the afternoon Jesus of all the days to pick your fucking politics It was fun to watch you recover though. Yeah, they're not the better than 30 seconds into a set someone says good to be here You know the true reset you got read that I'd really laugh hard at that one. I love it So what's been going on Hans?
How are you enjoying the festival? I've been having a great time I've been socializing till 4 a.m. Talk into beautiful ladies and walking them to their car and watching them drive away Wow, how many ladies have you walked here their car just one is that like your move or you like can I walk you to Your car Whenever I can I try to get them alone Ladies Hans has a little bit of trouble closing. Punky is a closer.
All right. I don't know if you know Yep, they have their own entourage of course everybody everybody's It's all works having punky and dicey on the show special one of the one of the members of their crew brought a baby with them Everybody just so you know so you know what kind of fuck life we're living here my gangster friends Dallas's dicey New Orleans Punky Your ghetto is fuck ladies. I'm happy to have you here The babies in a stroller I don't think I can get cigarettes Hans have you ever been with a powerful black woman before I actually lost my virginity to a PB W a PB W are you placing an order right now? Oh?
My goodness You say PB W. Yeah, what the fuck is a PB W powerful black woman? That's what I thought I thought I thought it was peanut butter wafer for a second I thought it was peanut butter watermelon because okey dokey. This is why Hans can't close everybody You can sometimes you get to see it publicly right here very eyes I'm like you ain't bring those spring rolls no appetizers.
They can go garlic noodles with the fuck you useless dicey What do you think about this? What's going on here? I just keep seeing road trip, you know when he got the when he got the black Bitch's draws shit Now either of you ladies ever been with a with an Asian I got all the way to the Em in man before I realize it's gonna be a note from punky Hey, maybe that's maybe that's how you become the level of lesbian that you are Are you the woman that he lost his virginity to? And you're like I'm never going to get me to my first buffet.
Oh hell yeah Hans Do you go to college? Yeah, I went to Georgia Tech, graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Mechanical Engineering with a 2.6 GPA. 2.6! What the fuck?
My heart wasn't really in it. Wow, how does that happen? How does an Asian have a 2.6 GPA? We've never heard of anything like this.
What a waste of an Asian man, you know? Yeah, exactly. You could have sent dicey in to get a 2.6, you know what I mean? How does that happen?
Did you not do your homework? I, you know, I tried at the very last minute. I just sort of like, you know, I played more basketball, I played a lot of basketball, I played a lot of Starcraft 2. Is there an Asian instrument playing over here?
No, I'm kidding. I played basketball. Is that what we're called? You played basketball?
Yeah. I can't imagine how bad you must be in basketball. I, I'm more of like a, all around player, I run around, distract the audience. Oh, distract.
Distract the audience. A very critical part of any basketball team. Hey, over here everybody. So, so, so you're a Harlem Globetrotter, is what you're trying to say?
Yeah, like a Chinatown Globetrotter. Wow, look at that. A CTGT. Oh shit.
Well, Hans, you got the show started. We love you. You're a legend. New minute, every single episode is not an easy job.
And thanks for coming in. Thank you very much. Great Hans camp. All right.
This is where the chicken's a little bit crazy. I'm going to pull a name out of a bucket now. Could be you that signed up, perhaps, did you stand up for the first time? Could be someone who's been trying to get up for months, hoping to break through into the scene.
Anything can happen. Your first comedian going up out of the buckets and I goes by the name of Alden Shav. Alden Shav is first on Hill Tovey. They say one in the hands worth two in the bush.
Unless we're talking about Big Fat Cocks. They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but it takes a lot of time when you're dragging a Big Fat Cock. Yeah, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but I fear no evil before I cast a long shadow from my Big Fat Cock. Hey, I have a very expensive auto-repair lady.
Very expensive, yeah. It costs me an arm and a leg in the Big Fat Cocks. Yeah, they say a little Caesar's Pizza can feed a family of four, but look at my Big Fat Cocks. Oh, man, help me remember my password.
Ten letters. It runs with Matlock. Yeah, that's Big Fat Cock. Anyway, that's it for me.
Thank you very much. Wow. An amazing piece of art right there, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, we've seen Michelangelo.
We've seen... That's all right. They're pretty funny. Wow.
You are the fucking rookie of the year. Look at you. He's a lot too many. He's talking about his Big Fat Cock.
Ladies, what do you think about this? Well, for somebody who can't see Big Cock, you got a lot to see a big Fat Cock. Oh, actually you missed the joke. It's actually a two part Big Fat Cock.
Two parts. Ah, that's the level. That's the level. You want me to have a sick one?
That would be the different levels. Wow, look at you. I didn't miss the joke. Oh, yeah.
I know you don't have a Big Fat Cock. That's part of the joke, I suppose, yeah. You have... This laugh that he does after he says things.
Your laugh is so contagious. It's crazy. You went for it as chortling. Yeah, I know.
I'm not telling you fucking something right now. I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you fucking something right now. What?
Well, maybe after the show, yeah. All right, now we can do this as you two. We can do that. Oh, monkey wants to see it.
I mean, technically you could... It's blind, so you could face that way. I'm just kidding, Dee. I'm just kidding.
Covering your ears isn't going to protect you, by the way. From a Big Fat Cock. It's more of a visual. What can you do?
Dee would just pretend it's a Big Fat pussy. Wow, he took his sunglasses off, folks. Ladies and gentlemen. Very cool.
Makes sense. It's like seeing the neighbor from home improvement for the first time. It's like when you finally popped his head over the fence. It's like, oh, hey, there it is.
I've always wondered. All right, let's talk about you. You big, likable Jolly Motherfucker. You have a voice that I find to be so unbelievably comforting.
Can you just say anything for a few seconds in a row? Do you like the Pledge of Allegiance or something like that? I don't know if I know that on the top of my head. I could say, hey, thanks for having me on the show.
That's not good. I like the better one you believe in what you're saying. No, no, I think that's what I've been quite straightforward. Generally, I can't get on this because I got Trivia on Monday.
This is very big for me. You'll trivia? I host trivia games. Oh, holy shit.
I love that. Have we talked about this before? Actually, I met you at one time at Baker Street. I think that was the first time we met when you were in town here.
Okay, yeah. I do remember that on the patio area. Yeah. I was on Tuesdays, sir.
Trivia night, interesting. Are you like a Trivia master? Well, so I run my own company, and so I host a game on Monday at the Bartis Spring Salud and Tuesday at the Lucky Dogg, and I write my own questions. And then, yeah, it's just like my own little enterprise.
It's fun. Every week I write about four of them. I have a video to start up. I think so.
Well, I've been doing that for a while, but maybe like eight or nine years. Okay, it's fine. But you're good at Trivia yourself? I'm horrible at Trivia.
I'm actually very bad at it. The skill of it is the writing the questions precisely is sort of the skill area. Is every answer to your question my big back, huh? Jet Ski.
The back lights have activated. Please, they're not. I'm over the... They get 100% every week.
Look at how you laugh. It's the cutest thing. Thank you. What do you do for work?
I host Trivia show. You really make money hosting Trivia shows? Well, I also host the Lucky Dogg open mic, and I host another showcase at any road. And that's what you do for a living?
Well, it's almost a living, yeah, but I'm getting there. Yeah. A lot of people come back to play Trivia. Believe it or not.
Yoni, get your handheld camera in close on this guy's laugh. I've had many of the people that really get in there so that the fucking YouTube can see what the fuck I'm talking about. Now, don't lean into it. Come back over here.
Come back over here. Normal interview. Play it cool. Welcome to Hollywood.
There we go. I love it. Tony, I can only see him shaking. I'm really afraid he's going to fall on the mic.
No, no, I got a strong legs. It's a very bouncy structure. So let's talk about it, Alden. You do that.
You do Trivia. You have fun with that. What else? What else about Alden?
What would surprise us about you? Any special skills or talents or hobbies other than hosting Trivia? I guess I make my own homemade hummus. What?
Oh my God. It's very popular. Yeah. Yeah, that's like at the fat party.
Oh my God. You make homemade hummus? Oh yeah, all the time. Fucking disgusting.
Oh, it's so good. What? I just picked her a kitchen sink filled with fucking frothy hummus. No, no, it's so easy.
Do you have an instant pot? And just you sweating over it. It's like, all right. It's just going to be good hummus.
No, I let the machines do all the work. You have hummus machines? Do you have an instant pot? Yeah.
What? Do you have an instant pot? No. Oh, well, then you take a lot longer for you there.
Yeah. If you have an instant pot and a food processor, that's all you need. What is an instant pot? Well, you know, it's like a pressure cooker.
You just like cook things faster in there. You just put a bunch of dry garbanzo beans in there. Oh shit. And you take a nap.
Wow. I think a lot of people have been wondering what kind of diet did they have to go on to look like you and what we're finding out about. You want to become a big man? Oh yeah, garbanzo beans, I guess.
So garbanzo beans and a pressure cooker. You know, Tony, all I like to do is bust out my instant pot and... That's pretty good impression. I do that all.
I actually give out the hummus quite a bit. The shows people seem to like it. You give it out to the hummus? Well, if you could...
Oh, who's the hummus? I keep hearing hummus every time you say hummus. So maybe our hummus. So they do get the hummus.
Yeah. Wow. Look at that. It spoke too much meat before this show today.
It's early afternoon. I'm counting. Yeah. Okay, Alden, anything else interesting about you other than homemade hummus?
I feel like we're missing something here. I feel like you have a whole double life on the internet that you're not telling us about right now. He got bitches chained up somewhere. I'd say that.
You are scary as hell, man. Really? I feel like I like the bull. You are also very like, you know, I wish I was, you know, the winter's over.
That sucks. Oh yeah, I suppose. I love you to do the homie sometimes. Good.
I'm more right now. Yeah. I'm not going to go all over here. I said he's wearing a Viva's.
How scary can he be? Oh, Viva. Oh, no, I don't know what's going on. I got these for $6.
Exactly. I'm a discount how? Yeah. Those are fat guy shoes.
Oh yeah. It's a specific kind of shoe. I mean, every shoe he's got is fat guy shoes. If I can't hear the skinny shoe, I would trip.
I like your style, man. How long have you been doing stand up? I've come up on three years now. Okay.
All of it here in Austin. Yes. Where are you from? I'm actually from Northern Michigan.
Oh, wow. Okay. What part? That's where this is.
Where are you from? Oh, yeah, that's where we are. Oh. Oh, yeah.
That's good time. That's where they have it. Michael Moore is from there. Wait, are you Michael Moore?
Oh, yeah. Nah. How about one more time for Alden Shav everybody. Alden, take one of these handmade leather, Texas leather notebooks.
The great Alden Shav everyone. Making his Tiltoni debut. Your next comedian goes by the name of Nick D's. Nick D's.
There he is everybody. One more time for Nick D's. Yeah. All right.
A little bit about me. I have a black stepdad, but I also have a black step son. So I just like to tell people that it skipped the generation. It's on this mother's side.
Actually, that's a lie. My son's half Hispanic, so all year round, he's just darker than I am. And he loves to let me know. The other day he came up to me with a piece of paper, and he was like, hey, look, it's you.
Then he pointed out the lines, and he was taking those or your veins. So then I grabbed a blank piece of paper, and I was like, hey, look, there's your dad. And he was like, there is nothing there. And I was like, now you get it.
And so did your mom. Yeah, I like doing that joke, because I'm like, hey, man, if your dad has a problem with that, he knows where to find me. It's actually the house that he used to live in. It's actually the same bedroom.
I'm like, hey, man, you used to pull into this driveway and this woman, and now I just pull out. So Nick D's everybody. He's very mean to this child. He's not mine.
Well, I mean, she's Louise. Isn't that what decides if you're mean to a baby or not? It's not mine. All right, Nick, welcome to the show.
How long have you been on stand up? Four years last month. Awesome. All of it here in Austin?
No, I'm actually one of eight. Got on yesterday. I'm one of his friends from Virginia. Oh, yeah, you guys took a big caravan from Virginia out here.
How many of you came? Three of us? Oh, OK. Not quite the caravan I pictured.
It's three dudes, OK? Very cool. How's your trip in so far? It's red.
I've never been to Texas before, so it's pretty chill. I like it. OK, where have you been? In general?
We're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I mean, have you never been to Texas before? I've been to Denver, New York. That's two.
Carolina. OK. Both of them. Carolina.
Sort of. I've been lost them on the third one. By everybody. All you guys were like, what does Tony mean?
What a weird question. I was like, how do I go in? And then we lost you on three. Denver, New York.
Carolina. Carolina. What the fuck are you talking about? The name of the fourth place you've been?
Florida. Oh, that's pretty broad. Yeah, I did. Are you just guessing at this point?
I'm like, I know there's 50 states I've been to. You know, one story. Kids are. I don't know whatever.
I love it. So you're really, what's the deal? It's your, I could barely keep up with the whole story. There was so much giving at once.
So you're banging a girl that has a kid? Yeah, I was. I actually just moved out like a month and a half ago. OK.
You moved out. Yeah, so we broke up. I don't know. Ask her.
She did it. I left. I left. I mean, that got sad.
But like, oh, no, she didn't tell you why she broke up with you. You have no idea. Maybe it's because she heard the jokes about the kid. But like, oh, the actual baby is crying, everybody.
The actual baby is crying. I thought Red Dan was over here going crazy on his side effects button again. Oh, there's your baby. Oh my god.
Oh my god. It's always good for podcasting to have a baby around. It's always, I don't know, all the best podcasts are doing it nowadays. Let's have a baby.
It makes it more organic. You know what I mean? We were all once that crying baby. Anyway.
I love it. Nick, what else? What do you do for work looking the way you look? You work at a cell phone saying?
Yeah. You don't work at T-Mobile. Yeah. So it works at Verizon.
I work at T-Mobile. Yeah. No shit. Yeah.
I have good benefits. Fuck you. There's dope. I have hand tattoos.
Where else can I go? I don't fucking. You're exactly right. I got cell phone vibes from you.
I feel like you'd be good at it. Well, yeah. I could be a chef. I'm having a secret conversation.
Yeah, I know. I thought he would be fine. He would be fine. But also, you know, you could do it all the rest of the people who would be a chef.
They'd be in a bag. Where I belong, that's cool. Yeah. I was, I mean, I used to cook.
What would you do? Put garbanzo beans in a pressure cooker? No. Fuck.
Take a nap afterwards. I love it. So you're not without any more. Have you got any action in the month and a half that you've been single since you got your heart broken?
No. No. No. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. You are a very attractive ginger. Thank you. I appreciate that.
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. We had a moment. It was upstairs.
I need to stop drinking this shit. I need to stop remembering shit. But you're a cool guy. I know they got some single bitches in here.
Now, wait, y'all hold that. Come, come, come, come, come in. It's broken heart now. Raise your hand, holds.
We got, I say, holds. What's your most passionate ass? Fuck. Oh shit.
Look at this creep. I love it. Look at this. It's too weird.
Oh, everybody. Jesus fucking Christ. Hell yeah. Get down for it.
Don't talk about this. Look over at Yoni for a second. Over there. There you go.
These fucking people have no idea what this. Sometimes I'm stuck here hosting. I'm going to be winning faces in front of it. It is bright.
Fools and goblins out here. You look like kenny gee. Like, where's your saxophone? Yay.
I'm going to shut up for the rest of the package. No. No, you're going good. I'm trying to hook him up with a beautiful woman in his fruit cake.
Hey, I'm a fruit cake myself, so that's not an insult. So, Nick. I love it. Any other hobbies?
What else are you going to do for fun? You're covered in tattoos. You must be into something cool? Yeah, I mean I could draw and stuff.
You can draw and stuff. I like to cook and I like to draw. You like to cook and draw? Yeah.
You're going to be single forever. I'm not like I'm good man. It's cool. I don't want to fuck you.
I'm sorry. You do you have a crusty mustache I don't want to I want It is frightening. It is absolutely scary. It's distracting All right, well trying to figure out something about you.
We must be missing something you what's your living situation in Virginia? So now I'm on a couch, but I was in a house. You're on a couch. Yeah, I live with a buddy of mine from work Right, so he's in like a house or an apartment in Virginia like a couple bucks a month like he won't let me pay him Which is weird because he has a kid and he's he won't take my money Oh shit, we're on a couch and there's like a kid being loud and fucking running I feed both of that like I he likes a nurse.
Yeah, okay All right Nick, you have the energy of a guy that traveled here from Virginia for this I'm gonna keep the show moving along. Thanks for coming on. Thank you everybody And I'm any joke folks. We're running out of big joke.
But you know what? Let's have a special treat you guys like special treats, right? One of the regulars on this show ladies and gentlemen is here an absolute icon a joke writing wordsmith a roast legend He's here fluent today from Los Angeles, California makes a noise for David Lucas Yeah, Jesse Smolia went to jail and shit Five months he was in the courthouse talking about I'm not suicidal. It's like why are you scared to go to jail you gay?
That's a vacation for you He gonna be the first person to go to jail and walk into the showers backwards You gonna drop the soap on purpose I never believed Jesse Smolia to begin with because he said that two maga supporters Tied a new surround his neck and sprayed him with bleach And it was negative degree weather in Chicago and one thing I know is I've never been called a nigga in the snow That that shit is safe for the heat, you know Anybody races at the snow they're gonna shit don't happen All right guys, thank you Great David Lucas Hell yeah beautiful beautiful brand new shit. I love it. So about Southwest hell. Yeah Tony was doing a wet t-shirt contest on six street You were doing a wet t-shirt cons At Wing Street Street you're fat Welcome to the back David.
I'm always happy. It's I've been seen you in a couple few weeks Yeah, the collar around your neck look like you're a native on cotton balls, okay? Well Well, I mean you would know what cotton's live I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood. I'm allowed to do those types of jokes.
You're not allowed to do those types of dicks You're not I'm just kidding if he was a live back in those days David would have just picked cotton candy Yes, yes, if you are a lie there knows days you would have been a comfort girl That means the woman that takes care of all the white people that come to the plantation Take it to the back of the house, you know second second real quick I Want to I want to I want to get roasted too. Oh shit tell me something about me. You just mean you carry condoms next to your tampons David Strong is a bully of the roasting club, right? What else you've been doing?
What else is going on? Just the same this weekend in Nashville nice I was late. I was beer yesterday, but I was drinking at the barn through up when I was born and they went Through up when you were boarding the airplane no for real, but that shit was real bad What the hell happened? I had to take all my shit.
He flew it here the awesome before I got here your dog Brian. Yeah service Okay, so wait were you throwing up like before they started boarding during boarding like when exactly what tell us what happened You know, Jelly Roll the musician. You might know Jelly Roll the musician out of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah Jelly Roll.
He's a big time like gangster country singer slash rapper Okay, pretty big and I was drinking with him all weekend And then I got to Atlanta, you know, they say like if you want to get rid of a hangover like drink more liquor Oh Hell yeah, I don't know. Hey, I was basically like one beer one shot you drank. Oh, yeah, you was fucked up Damn, so when did you start throwing up? I felt sick when I left the bar, but I was like, you know what?
I was just tough this shit out and swallow it right? Yeah Yeah, it's a fat guy thing to do That's how you know David's not a believer. He'll swallow it back down. He's like I'm not wasting this Yeah, and then when I got to boy, bro.
It was like fuck that right. It's like a whale's mountain. Oh No, so you were just spraying everywhere. There was no chance that we'll let you go on.
Yeah, Jesus David What if somebody had video without what if you went viral like that one guy at the baseball park that's throwing up on himself? I hold nobody did. I mean when I met the airport address pretty incognito. You know, I'm saying I do yeah Yeah, yeah, David rewearing a mask when you're throwing up on their phone.
I don't wear mask in the airport That's the one time you should wear a mask when you're throwing up in the airport I don't wear a mask until I get on the airplane, you know I'm saying and then I really don't wear a mask it depending on where I'm flying if I'm in coach They make you wear the mask, but in first class they don't say shit right. Yeah, COVID is for poor people. Yeah They never say shit to me when I'm in first class when I'm in coach that shit drop to the middle of your nose Oh my god, it's so true. Yeah in first class that if you fall asleep in your mask falls down they just come over and They don't say shit, bro.
They say zero. I have I have my mask off on the table. You know what I'm saying? So I will tape a strut about my off not to put a mask on Yeah, I always look like I'm drinking you know what I'm saying, right?
But the mask ought to be gone with mid-April on airplanes Fucking pointless bullshit Yeah, anyway, David what else is going on you excited about anything at the festival this week? I don't really know what I'm just here. Yeah, I guess you're right. You're either puking an airport in Nashville I guess you don't really have any plans shit, but I'm in San Diego this weekend I'm at the live factory Friday for two shows and then San Diego Yeah, they got a little bullshit as life And then I only did see perform at the lab factory also perform to the chocolate factory And then I'm in Naples, Florida in May I think May 4th and then May 8th.
I'm at size splitters in Tampa side splitters That's fitting for you What you got asked letters? This how dare you Love it. All right, David. Well another unbelievably great performance so much fun roast Lord great comedian One of the newest touring headliners David Lucas You know what?
Let's do another special treat back-to-back. Let's just go right into it We have another one in the history of the show that's traveled all around the world hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of episodes of this show There's only been eight or nine people ever that have won something called a golden ticket Which means they get to perform anytime they're at that show for eternity This guy is here. He's from Canada. This is Jared Nathan everybody.
I Would watch it Can I believe them if I had to eat some someone I would take their arms and legs Boy, I would go outside and smoke a joint get it and I would take it down with a fine key on tea Okay, that's a minute from Jared Nathan. Hell yeah, you got through it a little hard to understand today I love it. The medicine works better at night or something like that. I love it.
Welcome back to the show Jared your life kills all the time It takes a second to adjust to the sound of your voice you it is a brute He's in a quiet taste Just so that my friends here who are scared to death for their lives right now No, why don't you tell them what what do you have like a condition or something? What do they call you? What do doctors call you? No red ban and he's not a seal I Am globally delayed globally delayed.
All right. That's a fancy way of putting it It's a lot funnier that's sort of what I was looking for there. I Love it Dicy, what do you think about this guy? I mean, I think he smokes weed so we're a good friends and I've never fucked the white man But I consider you oh shit.
Oh shit Imagine if this is the first white dude Hell yeah, he's gonna throw you around the room and shit. Just lift her up against the wall Jared if you ever been with a black woman before I have wow I did it Tony that might get why he talks like that. Hell yeah, that's what happened before he hooked up with a black woman He sounded like me perfect anunciation One of these sweetest talkers in all of Jared when you're with a black woman Did you notice something that there's there any differences that you notice being with a black woman that's different than being with a white woman? I'm open a lot more open Wait, how did the meagos get in here?
I think what he's trying to say is the black of the berry the sweet Oh Shit, it's bitches about the thrower baby off the balcony Demand is leaving he's literally seen enough I have to keep going we have to go longer Jared if you were if you had a chance at hanging out with dicey if she wanted to get romantic with you right What would be your first move? What would you start with a with a delicious dish like dicey? Oh yeah? He is hard as a rocker speechless Thinking about it.
I like I like it when I like it when the guests actually listen to the question and think about an answer That's what Elon Musk does. I know how do you like We're not whipping it through the glass That's true. I'm sure hunky is the decider of who can eat pussy and who can't people don't know she's the judge She's like the Gordon Ramsay of that shit. She just comes over your shoulder and yells at you Uh Jared can you show us maybe a little bit of your pussy eating technique perhaps you could face the only where the fuck Yeah, it's right our camera guys.
I never anywhere to be found here. He is in the darkness Just look right at him right down the barrel there. Okay. Well, no don't go that way.
You go in the middle of the room Jeez, yoni get in the go get in the middle of the fucking room Why do I like to tell you this how you talk? I want the audience to see where I was pussy eating but we need a camera for you Yoni we need a camera guy to just films Yoni filming the show just so everyone can see how silly his movements. He's so Instincts are just wrong All right, Jared. Oh, oh, oh shit This place is chaos Look at you the Canadian convoy himself.
Jared Nathan is here There was a moment where nobody believed he could eat pussy and then all of a sudden that tongue just flickering out with an incredible bonus amount of drool and extra lubrication That is incredible Yeah, punky One thing before you get out, I don't need to be serious, but yo, you got mad heart you come out here You be who the fuck you are you keep it genuine and organic with yourself mad mad mad mad Oh, thank you That was beautiful Jared very good work. Congratulations. You're gonna be here tomorrow as well, right? All right, you're having fun everything good.
You happy? Jared Nathan everybody Tony Yeah What a great golden ticket Cool great golden ticket. I agree very fun stuff. All right.
Let's keep this fun train doing along Let's see what happens next your next meeting goes by the name of Michael Ridley Right out of the bucket seems like a new name Oh Good I'm Asian but I'm also half white. I'm a fortune cracker So half my family talks like this and the other half folks like that I'm a Filipino southern Asian from Virginia. I'm three of three. What's good?
What's good Austin? Motherfucker's really out in Austin dude. I went to Tennessee to do some work for the CDC They didn't even have vaccinations out there. I just stood in the line and coughed in people's mouths Just an Asian ass cough and all the redneck smells The yellow feller done coughed in my mouth.
I'm sick They don't even have vaccination cards out there. They just go you just go down to the office Deepo get you some card stock and go down to the library. We just burn them out scribbles on on there Joe Biden don't need to know about it. What's up?
There you go Michael Ridley Let's get a stand-up comedy. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the show Michael. Yeah, dude.
What's up? How are you? Is your first time on here, right? Yeah, yeah, awesome.
How long did one stand up eight years, baby? Wow? Yeah, we're out Virginia Beach new for news North Virginia. Did you come with the crew as well?
Yeah, I did. You're the third person. Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. That's incredible Yeah, hell yeah, so your friends with the red-headed guy with the tattoos. Yeah, yeah kind of oh Shit probably not anymore Love you Nick. You guys have some drama on the no no we're homies man.
He helped me out Okay, he's the reason why I got here very cool He posted a video of me at a local club and one of my homies saw it and they sponsored my trip and flew me out here dude Wow So if it wasn't for Nick these I wouldn't be right here right now. So I love that dude, yo That's great. I like you're accepting an academy award Your name got pulled out of a bucket Eight years all of in Virginia Beach. What keeps you there?
What do you do for work? I fucking I'm a purchaser for body shop So I buy the parts and shit. I'm a parts manager. It's fucking it's a nightmare.
Yeah, it's a logistical nightmare Okay, how did you get into that? I was uh you want oil changes and getting tired of that and I just hopped around from auto shop to auto shop So like I'm like in the cars and shit. Okay. I build like me out as shit.
Oh, okay. Yeah What do you think about that? Let me ask you this. What do you think about that new mid-engine Corvette?
They're fucking gnarly as fuck and I saw somebody actually drop one on a lift at one of my jobs Like it was on the lift and it fell because it's really shitty Well, you look underneath you can't like put it on a lift It's like weird like where you where it looks like you could raise it doesn't so I totally understand why somebody could totally fuck one up How far did it drop like sideways and the posts like go through the corner and it was all fucked up like just dangling like this Oh, no, those are old boomer wide dudes. Why man you fuck them? I got the new C8 dude, right? Yeah, you don't want to piss that dude off.
He's like definitely don't want to piss that guy off Uh So what kind of car do you drive? I drive it to coma x runner because I'm Filipino and that's like it's like the I thought you'd have like a high-enday or something No, fuck Korea. Whoa And your Filipino you said yeah, I'm a jungle Asian. I'm seen as lesser.
Wow Hans looks down to me. Hell yeah You're Asian you can say that last time I saw someone do such an insulting impression of Asians on this stage. It was me You came out of your guns ablaze and fucking praising absolutely What do you love about being Filipino? I love how I'm basically like the vatos of the Asians And white people love lupia and poncet It's just like I don't know every time there's a every time there's like a holiday party at work They're like so you gonna bring that poncet you're gonna bring those uh you gonna bring those egg rolls, you know with the pork in it I'm like all right whatever let me hit up my plug right because I don't I don't know how to do that shit Dude, I'm half white and act Okay, very very interesting.
Yeah, you seem like the kind of guy that watches fast in the furious on your phone all the time No, dude, I saw Tokyo drift and then I moved to Japan like a year later Are you serious same situation like military kid flies out? Yeah, gets kicked out of school flies to Japan to go live with his dad Really like a month after I saw Tokyo drift I was living it son. That is the most Asian shit ever You saw play that fucking thing. I gotta get the fuck out of here with my dreams.
How long were you in Tokyo? I was actually no canawa. Okay. Yeah, it's a small island off of the Japan indeed It's like a white taurihon so is from there fuck.
Yeah, it's dope as fuck man. I want to buy a condo there one day when I got hella monies Okay, I got the big dreams. Okay, it's a hard hard ass at the end of that monies monies Yeah What? Me?
What's up? That's all you last night too. Oh shit. What's good bro?
Okay, no, hey, I'm patient zero with covid. No, no, no, no, the way you was coughing in that night I got the money to know what yeah, we're mind vaccinated people that let's make out Christ's got a control never seen an Asian on crystal meth before this is exciting dude I probably drove to stony at Jesus. Yeah, what happened last night. Well, I know we got drunk as fucking watch a bunch of homeless people Fight in a alley.
Oh, no, we didn't I didn't tell you that crazy last night. No, no, we just happened up in yeah It's just like drunk shit like hey, okay. Yeah I appreciate you. I appreciate you.