Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony check out our website DeathSquad.tv There you have every past episode of Kill Tony including video portions of the show and if you click on tour dates You can come see us live every Monday We're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas But we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows also so go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have to kill Tony shirt DeathSquad shirts hats everything at ShopSquad.tv Ryan Jay Ebel. He is the house artist. He draws every episode He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff Go to RyanJEbel.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony You're lying from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas We're at the point of where you're at in Austin, Texas We're at the point of where you're at in Austin, Texas So you guys ready for a great fucking night tonight or what huh?
Ryan Red Band's here everybody, that's the noise for him Hi, and how about I have this amazing band am I right folks? That's a Kill Tony band brought to you by screwball peanut butter whiskey The best peanut butter whiskey in the world. Mmm. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums everybody Matt Muelling on guitar John D's on the keys And the great D madness on the bass everybody.
He's here Lied in the flesh. This is Kill Tony brought to you by the Yellow Rose, the Red Rose Shout outs to the two best strip clubs in the world that happen to be here in Austin, Texas Also brought to you by White Claw and Red Bull as of right now And also the W Hotel everybody where now you can save 25% off by using the promo code Kill Tony on a Sunday or Monday night Stay at W Hotel in Austin, Texas if you're coming to visit for the show To our favorite barbecue place, CM Smokehouse. Here's a little bit more about the amazing people that made tonight's episode available for you for free On the internet here right now. Hey y'all.
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So don't forget to always check them out because I heard they have a new cotton candy flavor right now They're great and that's the best thing about them. They're taste how they taste is better than anything I switch from being somebody to drink Coca-Cola every day and horrible sports drinks now. I have a liquid IV It is crazy. It's one of the few things that you and I both completely agree on you love good tasting stuff I like stuff that makes me feel good afterwards and liquid IV has both yeah has five essential vitamins also all B3 B5 B6 B12 and vitamin C With three-time the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks.
It's made with premium ingredients non GMO and it's free from gluten dairy and soy So grab liquid IV in bulk nationwide a Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to liquid IV calm and use the code Tony at checkout That's 25% off anything you order when you use promo code Tony at liquid IV calm experience better hydration today at liquid IV calm promo code Tony hey y'all have you heard about labradoodle coin my pizza delivery guy said it's the next big thing But I'll probably be holding off on throwing my millions into it because I've already got access to the newest game in town a startup already valued over a billion dollars It's totally changing the way people invest by giving them access to one of the most exclusive assets in history This asset has been making headlines for decades and making ballers like Oprah Bezos and Jay Z millions But thanks to this startup and their revolutionary approach anyone can now get a piece of the action go to masterworks.io Oh and see why I'm excited and no it's not a fucking NFT. I wouldn't do that to you guys I'm so excited about masterworks. I secured all of our listeners exclusive access Just go to masterworks.io and use promo code Tony to skip the wait list again. That's masterworks.io promo code Tony See important regulation a disclosures of masterworks.io slash C Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what huh?
Every single week we have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show and you know I'm gonna be honest with you guys since moving to Austin It's a different than where our home was for eight years in Los Angeles My accessibility to guests was absolutely incredible and we do a pretty fucking good job here But this is an extra special one This is a true comedy store throwback the this guy is the first friend that I made in standup comedy We started in the same week We got hired at the comedy store both of us together a month later truly my brother in standup And it just so happens that his girlfriend is the newest star of the brand new jackass forever movie ladies and gentlemen These are my friends mad at your and Rachel Wolfson everybody Hey, they tore together. They're both standup comedians Mad Edgar Rachel Wolfson welcome indeed You guys made it all the way from out layer here at the number one live comedy podcast in the world congratulations. Oh, yeah Thanks for having us Tony. Thank you Tony.
This is awesome. These are your friends. Yeah, these are my new friends These are your friends. I've invited them all here at once How many of you have seen the new jackass movie by round of applause?
I swear to God and I never you get you listeners on this show definitely know that I hate almost everything in all of comedy That has been made for the last 15 years except for South Park and Jack at this new jackass movie is unfucking believable if you haven't seen it check it out It's unreal and it's so cool. They have a new some new cast editions and Rachel's one of them and you kill it It's amazing. So you've been riding this wave number one movie in the world for like a couple months. Yeah, hell yeah Hell yeah, you've been riding her wave to Coming soon Fun fact there's Matt and I have been suspected of being gay together for 15 years by literally everybody that we did stand up with back to Los Angeles through guys and random police officers here in Texas on the road on tour about a decade ago one of the first places Yeah over a decade ago.
We went to Corpus Christi and we were in line at a what a burger at 2 a.m And yes keep playing it I need that for this story and mad at your right and I were in a water burger We're goofing around we're like pro wrestling fans So we're in line waiting fucking with each other a police officer comes up to us and says you need to get out of here And we're like what we never got whatever that night they literally kicked us out We weren't doing anything wrong our friend who lives in Texas who we were opening for that night was outside on a phone call We walk outside. He's like what the fuck are you guys doing out here? Where's the burgers that he goes? We just got kicked out.
I go we just got kicked out there you go We don't need anymore sound effects in this part me and these there's not even a phone call there red band no one That part was 30 seconds ago red band anyway. He goes what the fuck why they kick you out? We go we don't know he goes in gets arrested defending our honor the next day turns out He's friends with the chief of police and takes a phone call on speakerphone. There you go.
There's your chance you idiot There you go. Thank you very good. We get it. You have a soundboard Okay, but thank you red band anyway, so he takes the phone call we're in the car and he goes What's up, man?
Why did your guy arrest my friends last night and the chief of police of Corpus Christi goes well story? I heard was that there was a couple faggots five in a water burger There you go. Thank you Anyway, you guys know how this show works a bunch of comedian signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted of standup comedy And then I they talked to me and my amazing guests right afterwards We get to meet people together They're nervous as fuck some of these people have been waiting years to do this show some people It's the first time some people that they've been doing this 15 years So they think they're men it should be better than everybody's are you guys ready to start this fucking show? You know works after 60 seconds you're the sound of a kitten after that There's the growl of the West Hollywood bear that means wrap it up and we have a few regulars We're gonna start the show with a regular tonight everybody.
This is super duper exciting one of the newest regulars on the show He's been doing it six months his life is completely fucking changed in that time I just did an arena with this man this weekend in Jacksonville, Florida. Make some noise for him. It is the great Hans Kim everybody Good to be here. I love here here in Texas.
I was recently shooting a gun remembering the Alamo and I was like maybe we shouldn't be putting kids in cages anymore, but then I was like remember the Alamo Fuck them kids They killed David Crockett State hero I hope those people in Ukraine know how many Instagram stories and posters that I made for them because If they lose now, I'm gonna look ridiculous. I paid ten bucks extra for gas now. You guys are your part You think you think there's someone in Ukraine right now. That's like yeah, I don't really pay attention to politics Doesn't really affect my life Thank you Wow exactly a minute.
He does it every week. He's a freak of nature just out here flexing getting things cracking unbelievable Hans Kim living your life you dress like that tonight You look like the Asian version of the movie up What would that be called side way if he had AIDS you do you look like a more Asian version of the goonies What do you know that's the same guy from Indiana Jones? Sure, I don't know there a lot of people said a look alike It's the same person is the Asian version of Indiana Jones to or as I call it iPhones Okie dokie Hans Kim is here you're coming off of the most amazing weekend of your life. I saw it I was with you I witnessed it your first private jets you've almost fucked up everything in every single way the entire We've been you're just so awkwardly adorable autistic that you can get away with anything Joe Rogan loves you now Wow, I mean he did call me a faggot.
Well. Yeah, I mean that's just that's just part of the job my friend I'm super happy that I got a chance to do it. It was amazing I I brought my tripod and that was like a whole thing like my I brought my tripod on the private jet and they're like what is this? Yeah, we're probably tripod in an actual camera to record his arena set ladies and gentlemen out No other way in the world to get someone to get Not realizing that he could ask the person that is a professional Audio video person that works at arenas that maybe they could record it for him.
No the most Asian thing ever is taking your own photograph everybody That's him Nobody loves taking even motion pictures more than Asian people. All right Hans tell it tell them what happened after that After that we had dinner, you know Tony called me a faggot a couple times look I mean, let's face it. He ain't the alpha in the group, you know what I'm saying I would do the same to each and every one of you if given the opportunity faggots And then what else happened? Doing physical comedy very good.
Okay. Thank you, right? It's wearing a gay pride shirt everybody little for those of you listening to the podcast red band hates you Okay, what else I saw the Korean zombie gave him a respectful Bell. It is true the Korean zombie San young Chan Chan Chan song, okay Lord knows I'm not to go to on these parts, you know what I mean?
The odds of your first weekend being a UFC weekend With also the Korean zombie headlining with something it was really crazy. It's like you brought me there to watch a Korean guy get beat up I like that. Yeah, yeah, that was the plan. We want to make sure you know There's not enough faggots in the world that we could call you to really get the point across like a white man beating up a Korean man That's the thank you.
Where's that where's this coming from? Okay? Thank you. That was the worst whatever that was was the worst Bookey a 22nd sound effect.
Thank you right now. You want to hear it again? No So what else Hans I have a girlfriend now what? How did this happen?
What is going on? She's very talented and beautiful and we hit it off and you know now. I'm out of the market. Yeah, who's the faggot now Tony?
Yeah, I am I'm out here. I feel like you got a girlfriend in spite. Yeah, like it's not about love I she was at kill Tony. So it's kind of Tony's my matchmaker.
Wait. What happened? She came to the show and then we danced to another hour and Wait a second. I actually think I heard something about this tonight.
Let me ask you something Hans I swear to God I can't believe I haven't brought up to you. Fun fact is that I don't coordinate any of my interviews with any of the regulars I like to keep things fresh and improvise believe it or not Even though I have made fun of the Saudi Arabian cowboy before that when I talked about during the ad break I actually do know him however I don't coordinate anything with with Hans and so I'm gonna ask you about this and this is gonna be a first-in-life podcast history I'm gonna ask you a question. I heard a rumor that someone walked into the green room two weeks ago after a kill Tony taping And that after party gets pretty fun people have a lot of drinks There's a lot of alcohol people smoke and having fun anyway I heard someone walked into the green room and saw you using a one of those massage things I'm a is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, thank you sir And on a girls vagina while she sang our God is an awesome God Thank you.
What the fuck is that? Look it up. You're the sound guy dude Play it our God is an awesome God Wow Now you were drinking that night a lot, right? Yep.
Uh-huh. Do you remember any of this whatsoever? Yeah, I have a recollection It's coming up for me. Yeah, what was it like tell us about it?
It was like I want to have sex with this girl and she wants me to use a massage gun and then she's presenting the ass and The massage gun sort of wanders to a perfect location Okay, do you have any idea why she was singing our God is an awesome God? I think we're doing a bit we're doing like a riff While you had a Faragana on her vagina. Yeah, I mean that's not good for the vagina. That's like 15 Hitachi's all in one That's that's not good for the Faragana.
Yeah, it smells really good now. Oh, Hans. You made it weird Hans Yeah, but what about the vagina The China is really smelly. No, it's great.
All right. Let's get rid of the I don't even know what's happening anymore So Hans now. She's your girlfriend. Yeah, okay.
See you guys talked about this You're like we're gonna go steady because you're saying it very confidently and I know you pretty well Which means you wouldn't just say that someone's your girlfriend if they weren't well It's getting pretty hot and heavy in the bedroom or talking about genitals and who owns them and what we're gonna do with it Which genitals exactly are you guys wondering his own by who mostly the cock in the vaginas? Oh the tits haven't made an appearance yet, but I hope I'm going to 200 without how do you not see the tits? How do you see the vagina for typical Asian skipping? That's bold you skipped it and graduated with a master's in pussy It's a better genital you can do more with it Wow Hans I know this with your hand you're doing the international sign or you were of kidnapping which is like a for another visual joke on a podcast Go more.
We got video now. I know I know literally nobody's looking at his hand well now. They are moving on Hey, Hans I noticed a minute ago. You were doing it.
No, you was just doing it when I was saying it anyway I love it man. We did not miss a beat taking two weeks off our chemistry is right back to fight shit. It's perfect Yes, a lot of no ways coming from over here. I love it.
Hans You just had the best weekend of your life. Am I correct? Yes. How many rib eyes did you eat about four?
That's right. That's an actual fact and I saw him eating crab stuff lobster as well Hans so much fun You are setting the new standard for being a kill Tony regular. It's super cool What he absolutely killed in this arena this weekend. It's your grown-up stand-up comedian now, and it's so much fun Hans Kim everybody Thank you guys There he goes.
What's wrong? I stand movement over here Hans Kim Okay, I pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. It's a noise for Demi Chang everybody Demi Chang Big pops from the audience here I'm all one more time for Demi Chang everyone.
Hey guys It's a really weird time in the world to be Asian or to be Chinese right now not just on kill Tony But uh, I've been brainstorming what I would say if I actually had a racist encounter because in real life I hate confrontation, but in my mind, I'm like, I wish a motherfucker would Even though a real racist won't really care what kind of Asian you are they just see 50 shades of yellow But I just imagine someone coming up to me like bitch you got that kung flu you from Wuhan I'm from Vietnam We don't all look alike That one might backfire though if they get a little triggered from like the Vietnam war or something, but don't worry I plan B I'll be like well Hanyaseo Oh, you're welcome put a k-pop and Hans a Kim Demi Chang everybody welcome to the show Demi. Thank you. How are you? Good?
How are you? Good? Welcome? Welcome welcome.
How long you been doing stand-up comedy about nine months nine months, okay? All of it here in Austin, Texas. I started in DC actually DC. What brings you to town?
I travel in RV full-time with my husband. Oh, okay. We were we live in Joshua tree actually. Wow.
Oh, very cool. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely That's fun. So you do a lot of like mushrooms and stuff.
I would like to That's one good thing about comedy everyone wait you live it after you lived in Joshua tree sober. I was in the military So oh, okay, which military where you went? I was in the Marine Corps. Wow very good.
Thank you Very good. That's great. What did you do there? I was a they called a manpower officer or an adjutant So a bunch of admin legal are they still allowed to call it a manpower?
Is it a they power now? Yeah, it's a people power Wow So exactly do you do now or what did you do? In the Marines like what does that mean? The people that were in charge of the unit.
I was their bitch and Did a bunch of paperwork and you were like everybody else's Hans Kim Yeah, it was not fun. I love it very good and you were born and raised in America Yes, I love it and your parents are both Chinese came here from China. Yes, okay Anything cool about them are they proud of you for doing stand-up? What do they think about you trying the arts?
So my mom's office recently had a women who inspire you for women's history month and she wrote a write-up about how I destroyed all her dreams That's very Asian Wow, so that's just out there on the internet somewhere. Yes, I put it on my Instagram I was like everyone check this out. I'm she's so proud of me. That's incredible What can you do any any lines that you remember specifically that stuck with you?
She's like well, she destroyed I wanted her to be a journalist like Connie Chung But but then she destroyed my dreams by going into military and then finally I was proud of her for being a Marine And then she destroyed my dreams again by trying to be a comedy. Oh You're trying to be a comedy. That's very Asian of you and your mom. Yeah Red band is a band-aids and Asian girl.
Yes, I'm aware. I'm eating Asian girl. I actually just texted her Tony Yeah, it says you're on stage now With a picture of you and it does you guys really do look People have told you that you look like red bands girlfriend Like if she was buff and shit. Well, I was like you're trying to get on kill Tony just like no red man girlfriend Wow, look at that.
I'm pretty sure he's about to invite you to do the next 10 Thursday night shows that he puts on here It's incredible. I have a driveway for that little camper of yours It'll fit well, okay. All right, we get it. Okay.
What do you do for work now? My husband and I have an e-commerce business. Oh, okay work from the road and your husband. What ethnicity is he?
He is white. Yeah, wow look at that very original of me. Yeah. What does he do same thing e-commerce?
That's it you guys just do that he built it when I was in the military because we knew it'd be moving around But then I was like fuck this right now. What exactly does that mean? What do you do there? What is he what are you doing for e-commerce?
So we basically sell stuff on Amazon and Walmart? We're third-party vendors So you buy me and bulk like on wish and stuff and go like oh you want to drown helicopter on Amazon yourself? Well, we use American Distributors, but now we sell like sex toys and stuff. So whoa look at that.
Yeah Look at that. That's incredible. What kind of sex toys are you selling? Oh all kinds anything on to check out our store Wow John D's playing sex toy music over here Do you have the thing like the remote thing, you know where you could like you know There has a little pink tail that comes out of their butt or whatever.
Probably I've learned a lot of new things It's a lot anything. I thought I knew a lot and I'm like I don't know what the heck this half this stuff is. Do you test them all? Red band Jesus fucking Christ It's our first time on the show.
Why don't you slow it down? What's something you have any special skills or talents something else that you're good at other than stand-up comedy or military? I'm Asian so I took lessons and everything as a kid, but I'm out of practice So I guess I'll say like voices or I like impressions. Oh, well, what kind of impressions do you do?
I've never seen a female Asian impression. I like accents. I won't say impressions. I like okay.
What kind of accents? Like different races. Oh, wow, let's start with blacks This is great. This is great.
I'm very excited to see your black impression Did you say black oh I'm gonna stop you right there. I Can't get that. Yeah, that is incredible. Actually, you did do an impression of a black woman during your act I did notice that you did say wish a motherfucker would Yeah, I wrote it down because I'm like she's talking about sort of being racist, but you weren't thinking that you were being racist But you were totally being racist.
There you go. I saw it. Wait, can you do an impression of a white person? Yeah?
What kind of white person? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I thought there was a white girl on stage for a second. Yeah, yeah What kind of a white person? There's all different kinds.
Can you do like a valley girl? Oh my god, so like I have so much to talk about all right stop stop stop Sounded Asian is fucking my right people. No, I love it. Can you do perhaps an Indian person?
Okay, babe. I don't know if I'm still allowed to do this. Whoa It's not your idea. What do we think about that?
You're close to those people. That's like your Oklahoma or something like that I don't know. I never really took geography class. I love it.
What's the longest set you've ever done? What is the longest set you've ever done? You're nine months in like 15 to 20? What?
Whoa? What are you gonna do it? I'll rise to the occasion though. Oh, you will all right.
Would you like to do five minutes at the beginning of the show? Look at that. Oh my goodness As long as it's not only because I'm Asian no no my girlfriend will be here and I want to trade places with her no Red band. Thank you so much indeed.
Thank you Demi Chang everybody walking out here with a brand-new joke book from bones. I handmade leather Legit fucking you guys want another special treat right now? One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show Retired six months ago or so because he has ALS Lou Gehrig's disease a completely degenerative disease that kills every single person that gets it He retired six months ago and somehow a couple weeks ago. He's gotten a bit of a second wind He is a legend in the history of the show improv guru out of Chicago for 30 years Kill Tony regular for two years ladies and gentlemen.
This is the return again of Michael Lair gold medalist at the Improv Olympics You know I mean Audiences sounds like that in every drug corner of the experiment we call America But this is where I couldn't leave Now I'll take this you have a lot of abortion you are not saying gay in school But I want you if you outlaw fucking Joe Ruggan will move back to Hollywood Tony Yes, yes, you may a lot of people don't know this But he is a gold medalist at the Improv Olympics He's coached by Sharna Halpern the inventor of improv ladies and gentlemen doing some improv for us Michael Lair everybody Tony Yes, if you ever wonder he handed me this special Michael Lair intro piece of paper earlier for the first time ever And so I'm gonna read what I'm supposed to read if you've ever wondered what it is like to have sex with Michael Lair You're about to find out I'm going to ask our live audience for suggestions of Non-sexual common household items persons places things brand name celebrities you name it and Michael will improvise how sex with him is like your suggestion To get us started. Can I have a suggestion of a household object? What did that guy with a deboycl first? No that was first guy Broom Six when he is like a broom I feel we're done.
I'm gonna need to sweep him under the rug All right one for one it is indeed a gold medalist at the Improv Olympics defending his throne anybody else have a What toaster Six when we get like a toaster if I'm into long you're gonna get burned Wow, I mean this is incredible. This is like watching Michael Jordan shoot free free throws. This is incredible Wow That's not Michael Jordan by the way, that's Michael Jackson red man, okay So you also said a person's places things brand name celebrities you name it is literally what's written in the intro that you Had to me so you guys can name any of those things person places anything Stephen Hawking I like it Stephen Hawking Sex with me is like Stephen Hawking Unbelievable holy shit. Wait who said that John D is wants you to do OJ Simpson Sex with me Sex with me is like OJ Simpson The way don't wanna watch it's going to hurt.
Oh red band don't Segment me is like OJ Simpson Juices loose all over you belly button. Oh my goodness Now this is persons places Maybe have a place Grand Canyon Michael there sex with me. It's like they're grand Canyon a big old dry hole This is amazing. Okay, persons places things can someone just name a random thing.
That's not a household object You guys just named household objects What huh huh? Sand oh isn't that fitting? My Saudi Arabian friend wants to know how sex with you is like sand by the way. He said it not me Sex with me is like sin weeks later find something your buck right Incredible this is absolutely incredible.
Okay. I'm going right down the list here We've done household objects persons places things. How about brand names Keurig I like it here. Yeah, Michael and I have coffee together very often I have a an espresso machine not a kirig which is the peasants an espresso However someone's in a house sex with you is like a kirig.
I Sexual in me is like a kirig my cockwork choke out a seal Kirigs are better than the environment. Yeah, I'm in the wrong state and make that joke Yeah, what do you mean the problems with the environment? No, feel like when I was a kid it says celebrities here can anyone even celebrity? Will Smith You know, I may say something about that is absolutely I'm I am the rare comedian who thinks worse than the worst right?
And I only said that because I'm also fucking jayden No, no, no, no, no, I only fucked jayden because when she's going down on me I feel like I'm getting blown by Kobe Bryant and And mama forever Wow Wow Wow Incredible Tony. Yes. Oh, I got a magic trick. Oh, you do all right In a few months he's gonna disappear everybody.
That's the magic trick said that last year Now I'm all right, so I'm gonna treat see if I can make my headband this will be my final Incredible world's greatest magician This will be my final act of the evening I'm gonna see if I can raise my headband off my hand without touching Wow, he's gonna try to raise his headband off his head magic music anybody have magic music You want anything? Any? Any? Anything?
Wait? Wait a second. Wait a second. What is happening here?
Oh? Shit, this is very interesting Wow Wait a second Michael Michael No, we're purposely I'm not gonna make the guys that normally lift you off the stage stay back guys There's no where you can go Michael You literally have no choice but to get your ass back here Michael what's going on? That is the weirdest Hold on can I take a guess here Michael? Can you come back just so I can take a guess it?
What was supposed to this is Michael there getting off the stage in 2022 in honor of the new jackass movie jackass forever out on Paramount Plus right now Wow. Oh My goodness gracious. This is the weirdest Harlem Globetrotter make a wish I've ever seen This is incredible. Hey, this is what you get with reverse discrimination Am I hearing that right?
I can't win everyone So Michael I'm guessing that you were wearing that headband earlier and then at some point you lifted your eyebrows up or something And it like popped up above your head and without trying it or practicing it again I assume that you just thought you would be able to make it happen again almost there man. I can see it It's almost it really is you're so close. Can we give it a little bump? Rachel you lick his forehead for him Rachel Can you just give it to the underside of that headband?
Can you just lift it up like a touchy Michael? Oh? Oh shit This is her scariest stunt yet everybody. Should I do it with my tea?
Yeah, oh shit if this shit's going down dude Magic I Ladies and gentlemen what an unbelievable appearance how loud can this place get for one of the legends of the show Michael? Layer everybody Wow Wow, I mean absolutely flexing I never even saw that Stephen Hawking thing coming somehow. I swear to God It was just that's just crazy. Thank you sir for whoever suggested that unbelievable.
Have a one more time for Michael layer, huh? Some respect Okay, this is another new name for sure. Mix and always for Garner Garner Garner you guys haven't fun out there yet, huh? All right, I'm not seeing any movement.
Oh here he comes Garner everybody come on. Mix and always for Garner everyone I got this So I do go by just Garner because do you know anybody named Garner? If you do by the way me somebody introduces I've been so lonely I Feel this needs to explain my name because well, I don't know anyway I feel the need to explain myself because I forget I actually have a good punch line here someplace Yeah, well, let me explain myself. You know I forgot where that one ended But I'll see if we can continue something else I have to explain myself because I know I look probably a little bit different than maybe what you're used to looking at So I took a 23 and ancestry calm People by my end laws.
I think they just have to get to the bottom of this one. So What I found out was Wow unbelievable Wow you seem like you would be so much smarter than what you are. It's incredible Garner Wow, what a performance. What are you triple boosted super vaccinated?
Is this a fucking side effect? We're seeing up here right now What the fuck just happened Garner? You just have that Pfizer running through your veins right now does you might be wondering why am I gonna? You know what forget it Nothing better than it set up completely abandoned not even giving yourself an opportunity to do good whatsoever I know he took so long to walk up.
I thought he was gonna destroy. Yeah, I know he was walking up here Like the undertaker and then fucking the confidence Like I got this and I was like oh shit. It's incredible. So what you find up in that 23 and me my guess is 80% Kermit the frog Oh, hey, stop that Yeah, what I found out was that I'm actually 25% black 25% generic European and 50% Native American 50% Native American.
Yeah, well it's a little mericant sure it's not 0.05. I like You're saying that you don't believe that he's no everyone's Native American when they say Native American It's like very generic. I think he's Native American because I can't wait to put somebody else on the land that he's on right now Thank you Just one of the best in the world. It's not that big of a deal Son of a bitch I've never seen anybody with a breast pocket on their belly button before that's pretty exciting.
That is a droopy shirt Your black side did not get that. That is the generic European part. That's like I'm gonna do the shopping today 25% black, but he dresses 100% Garner is your first time ever attempting stand-up comedy. Am I correct?
Absolutely. I love it And I'm guessing you are going by a fake name because you have a real job that pays you well. Am I correct? You work for a giant corporation?
He's a gardener. Not really What? The midsize company. All right Tesla But what do you do you an engineer?
No, I am not as smart as I look if I let you go. Right. So what exactly do you do? You're janitor basically I need you to garner.
I know that you're a beta bitch. It's okay. It's okay I need you to project into that tip of that microphone when I ask you a question. I need you to be like it's a midsize company I've seen the routine.
I'll try my best to you're doing good. Have you ever done any public speaking before? I did in school like many years ago, right? I sucked at that too.
Okay. How old are you? 45 45 what made you want to try stand-up comedy for your first ever time tonight? I love people are shocked that he's 45 by the way Totally look 45 by the way Garner.
I would have guessed 45. I would have been right on 45 also my favorite president of all time Okay, 45 what's up God you suck Especially since I don't remember what the question was you put me on the spot here What made you want to do stand-up now at 45? Because I've been avoiding it my whole life. It's okay.
Wow Doing getting up and doing this type of fun anybody so are you just knocking things off? Are you gonna murder someone to like what else you just doing things that you haven't done in your life that you shouldn't do? Yeah pretty much Right, but you still work for this midsize company. What exactly do you do with that company?
It's basically customer service It's a wine fulfillment company, so it's you just you like on phones all day you have a headset Not on phones, but I'm on a computer all day. I take from the college. Oh, okay All right, what do you do for fun Garner? You seem like the kind of guy that's on like that girls foot Wikipedia or whatever Wiggy feet.
Yeah Rachel's on it. Yeah. What the fuck I give me a high rating. I need it for myself a steam I Wild The body are you a feet guy no your face does differently I feel like you look like you love toes.
I don't know you were about to tell us about your what is it that you're into I know I was just gonna say I'm not usually like this degree of me when I'm just out on a regular night But I just like going out like you know, it's even good for great good drinks pretty much Who do you? Who do you do this with your friends? Yeah, I'm gonna buddy come in town. I'm in my town tonight alone, but yes You're you don't live in Austin.
No, I can't hear from California. Okay. Where do you from California? What part?
Bay Area okay, that makes sense. I'm starting to see it now. That's starting to make sense you you have a girlfriend boyfriend What are you into I have a wife of 15 years Wow a wife of 15 years, so that's who owns your soul I've been wondering where exactly your soul is and it turns out. It's in the bay and some fucking you know You have an expensive place it's hard to afford living up there, right?
No, I've rented some we got a good place years ago What does she do this wife of 15 years? He also works the wine industry and sells marketing. God. What a boring couple you guys are Do you guys have good snacks?
Wow when you say no, what exactly do you mean? Is it rare? It's a rare tree? It's rare.
We've been around 15 years. I mean if you're a kid no kids. No kids Why is that? That's a much sadder trays.
Okay, forget it. We're gonna know that we cannot go any sadder than what we're already at If you're saying it's sad, I'm just gonna start crying right now because I can't even fucking imagine You had your testicles ripped off by a German Shepherd in 1989 No, I'm kidding. Okay. Oh, do you know what an upside down pineapple is?
That's all you All right Interesting stuff you don't know put it on your front porch and find out it's fun. Okay again I guess that's all right. You're gonna finish the Joker. No, there's no joke to it.
Just do it right out. It's fun Okay Red Man also does his own solo podcast where you can catch him doing jokes like that That's a little more like riddles and puzzles with with nowhere to go and no we're just confusing really I love it I love it. So Garner you what what are you doing in Austin, Texas? Did you come here for this?
I can't have her kill Tony. Are you fucking serious? So like you listen you listen to these episodes you watch and you're like holy shit I could do this no right you're like I'm like holy shit I love comedians and comedy and respect what you guys do so much But I'm like it takes so much balls. I'm like I got a muster at one time.
Do you really respect it? I totally do I totally do the other names in this bucket would probably argue pretty hard with you I'm kidding. What I did yeah What would have happened if you didn't get picked you would have just came all the way to Austin to watch Killtown? Well, I'm still gonna go out eating it would have been a way better where you eating where you excited to eat?
I don't know I got a buddy that's taking me all around town. That's uh, you know, he's giving me the tour I've never been here. Is he here tonight? No, he's coming to the door.
I just tell him you killed Yeah, garner very very very interesting I love that you gave it a try you're a shy guy 15 years ago How much longer do you think you're gonna stay in this marriage if you what why what makes you stay with a woman that you Don't have a sexual relationship with well, I'm gonna say that I mean it's uh, I'm just just not like I'm not getting into this I think we got a little fucking Will Smith on our hands right now. He seems pretty scared to talk about his wife There's someone up here. You want to slap? Okay, hell no keep dreaming buddy.
I Love it Garner. We do have people of all shapes and sizes on this show all the time and you are proof that this show is completely Unproduced and unprepared and anything can happen literally anybody can sign up if this doesn't prove it I don't know what the fuck does how about one more time for Garner everybody Garner have a small joke book hand in that That's a joke book from the great bones. I a real Real leather made joke book you don't know what upside down you count pineapple is no the fact that you're still mentioning without explaining it Is a cool hole? Okay one other person knows that's great.
That is great great for comedy when the minimal amount of people know what you're talking I know a lot of people say that's the best comedy is let's ship it to people out of 350 understand makes a way through your next comedian pulled out the bucket goes by the name of cat Swatner everyone cat Swatner one more time for cat everybody I I have not had an abortion But I have driven a lot of my friends to have abortions, you know always the bridesmaid never the bride I'm wearing the gown next time The hospital gown okay, you guys get it My parents are divorced, but works out well for me, you know, they can't gang up on you if they don't hang out anymore I Came out as bisexual to my dad last year and he was great about it You know, he's like I love you. I'm proud of you all I want is for you be happy and don't tell your mom But of course I told her, you know, and all she said to me was oh, okay, so what do you want for lunch tomorrow? I was like a pussy Cat Swatner am I saying that correctly? Yep.
Welcome to the show. Kat have you been on here before? Yeah once before yeah, while ago Yeah, yeah, yeah, welcome back. How's life changed for you since the first time we saw you?
Um, I don't think it's changed that much. Okay, perfect. Very good way to ride that kill Tony bump all the way to the moon I think I got one new follower. Wow.
All right. I don't remember your performance must not have been that great I'm kidding. Welcome back. Hi very cool remind us how long you've been one stand-up comedy about a year and what do you do for work?
I have a very boring job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up? Yeah, what is it? I'm a research coordinator.
Yep, indeed boring job So is that true what you said about being bisexual to your parents? Yeah, and what did they say about this? Like how do they actually feel like uh, that's actually how they felt really? Those were the two responses I got so like when you told them why first of all why would you tell them?
It's one thing to tell your parents that you're gay It's another to tell them that you're bisexual because I mean, let's face it. You're just a big whore. You know what I'm saying? Mom dad, I will fuck anything.
That's literally what my parents is, right? Yeah, I don't know I wanted attention or something. I don't know. Huh?
I like I wanted attention or something. Right, right. Did you offer to perhaps fuck your parents when you were saying it? Like I'm so bi we could do this shit right now No, I was dating a woman at the time So I was like right and you were bringing like a woman home with you sometimes to sleep in your place.
I don't bring anyone home No, you stay at their place. I have my own place right right? You don't take anybody to your parents house. I get what you're saying right you take them to your little lesbian apartment.
Yeah, right So when was this when did you come out to your parents? Like two years ago two years ago and then no Relationship with any two women has ever lasted for two years. So How soon after that did that one end? Oh pretty quickly.
Yeah, I did think I was a lesbian for two weeks trust me. We've all been there Do you ever have any regrets coming out to your parents? Oh, yeah, yeah, I Mom It's my mom's like doesn't like women even though she's a woman. So she's wow.
Yeah, it's oh that doesn't sound like any women Well, what was worse telling your parents your by or telling them that you want to be a comedian? They're actually pretty supportive of the comedy thing which is shocking to me, but yeah, it was you know, my dad's great He loves that shit What did what did dad say what exactly was dad's take on it? Mom's rough dad loves the ladies cracking? He just wants to be happy.
Right. Oh, that's great Did you do any like lesbian-ish things as a kid where you a softball player or perhaps? Did those little finger exercises where you squeeze balls and things like that lesbians do that to strengthen their fingers because it's basically their penis Sorry, it cracks me up every time I think about lesbians. It's like the funniest thing to me I played softball.
Yeah, right. Okay. There was so there were signs But what is a buy softball player? What were you like a designated hitter?
You didn't really play the field? Just got called in every once in a while. Sometimes you'll play baseball She played both softball and baseball completely bisexual. Yeah, I wasn't good at it.
No, right, okay You still have to you show us like I used to throw ball like no, it's okay I was like I don't even know what I did. I said your bottom. You don't even know what you did very good. All right, uh Cat so you research your research coordinator What do you else about your life is fun?
The current you have you done anything new lately any new hobbies or things that you're into what exactly about your life doesn't have to be funny Just anything right? I mean it's it's more fun for me. I I recently got silver. So that's Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, that's great. It's actually the whole audience is sober after you're act. So that's how we all have that We all have that in common. Thanks What made you want to get sober?
What was your bottom? Telling her parents she's by Just you know, I was blacking out like every weekend I do a bunch below. Wow look at that the gateway to bisexuality That's the best kind of bisexual girl that I know right? What nothing?
Is that even a sentence? Okay, red man. I love it So what else cat anything else interesting about you? Do you have animals?
Do you have a cat? Oh, okay? We talked about him last time. He's very cute.
Okay, I mean you think everything's cute So it doesn't really mean much coming from you. How often you fuck this dog cat? Tell the truth There it is. We actually have sound Red Band was able to get into your that is the audio of her bedroom right now Actually, not right.
All right, forget it. I fucked up that one. I love it cat so much fun. Congratulations You got pulled out of the bucket again Yeah, yeah fun stuff stand up squing good for you here in Austin.
What do you think about the scene? You have friends here everybody happy sure. Yeah, a lot of friends everyone's pretty cool. Have your parents seen you perform?
No Why is that where do they live? They live in Beaumont. Beaumont. Yeah, okay.
It's um, what do they do? Your dad is a rancher and your mom is a teacher My dad what does he do? He sells stuff and plays in a band? Oh What's he play drums?
Wow, okay? There you go. All right You're dead we found out coolest thing about cat is that her dad plays the drums everybody. How about one more time for cat Swatner everybody here cat take a joke book There you go All right, all right, make some mystery next to me and everybody Eric Gilman everyone.
I actually know this guy Eric Gilman has been bicycling. I know this guy from The show before it's currently on a bicycle trip around the country one more time for Eric Gilman everyone. Yeah Hey, I saw you yonder and I said You know when you yonder I comedy set a ghost comes out and it's taken a dick in your mouth. That's a fact Speaking of science Something I've been thinking about I don't have the answer But look when you're getting your dick sucked by a ghost and you come just the come going to the ghost I'm gonna just splat right on the floor.
I don't know I'm just saying if that ghost came through your wall then that comes going on the floor and you got yourself a certified Ghost load But yeah, I've been on kill Tony once before something you found out about me is that I'm riding a bicycle cross country for charity and Although I don't know what it's like to be Tony Hinchcliffe and open three days straight on the road for Joe Rogan After riding my bike three days straight on the road. I know Tony's butthole feels like a Monday morning Jesus Christ. I just take a shot of the champ man. Thanks for having me dude indeed.
Absolutely. How about one more time for Harvey Dent everybody's here Live in the flash really is Too Faced after all you really stabbed me in the butt there at the end exactly It is incredible a lot of Joe Rogan gajos I mean how tough a man does one have to be too not be gay, but I guess any two guys that hang out are super successful They must be fucking right. I'm just glad my ass isn't taking it anymore, right? Yeah, yeah, Fred band.
Yes Joe. Yes red band is applying the Joe Rogan used to fuck him everybody. That's how gay Joe Rogan is Is that fuck a red band? everybody Joe Rogan be so gay that he will fuck red bands Anything oh my god.
I love it. It's great to be here man. Hey, welcome. I forgot you were here Eric Gilman now, I actually know you you've been on the show before and we hung out and we met it really chill like hung out at Skankfest yeah, yes, we made love to one another very good I was on a quarantine episode.
Yeah back at the in the city of Los Angeles. Uh-huh. Yeah Comedy store indeed crowd of zero and you got the same amount of laughter tonight. That's so cool.
I'm trying to 350 You got the same amount of laughter. How does that feel but it feels great? Have you been doing stand up? Yeah, I started right before the pandemic and so it's like very wise doing an open my gonna show it up and then like now You're currently raising money for what exactly I'm riding a bike.
I run my bike here right from Miami From Miami and you're going to San Diego is that right? It's crazy that he called you gay. Yeah crazy my house is taking a pounding Yeah, yeah, I'm riding I'm riding I built a hospital in Haiti after the earthquake with friends and Angel Wing's International is the nonprofit It's a riding a bicycle from Miami to San Diego your cycle much like the last comedian both by yeah exactly Yeah, who's gay now you homos? All right, let's talk about it Eric.
Are you get it? Are you are you having any fun while on this bike ride? Are you just sore all the time like what's going on any drama a lot of fun? Not a lot of crazy drama?
I was gonna hit by car. Oh look out rest in peace doing taxes someone Feel like you're trying to go for me, but for the most part all good former fuck guys We uh shout out to Hannibal Burris bit. We hired a second line We were in New Orleans and we hadn't followed through the street. That was pretty great.
Wait, what happened? We hired a band so like a band to follow your bicycle no to follow us through the street We had a parade in New Orleans. Oh, okay. I'm like but I see some sketchy shit out there like a lot of roadkill every animal You can imagine sad but a flat tires any five five five tires so far Wow Two seven flat jokes tonight.
Yeah, I'm a human train. It's okay I'm like random stuff flat tires five now You're about to go through like the hot part of Texas and the desert. What are your what's your preparation like for things like this? My listeners that literally never exercise wanted want to know Preparation age exactly.
Oh, no, just I mean get stoked be here on Kill Tony and Austin This is amazing. This is all if you want to eat get fired up and just fucking keep going just do you have a car? I'm tired you get tired of your friends are a car following you just to make sure you're alive and have an amazing and Incredible girlfriend following in a support vehicle. She's over in the back of the bar there hide.
Maybe we should how many you think we should bring her out here Right now Is she shy Eric is she shy a little bit what's her name? Fun like a baby makes it makes for fun everybody here. We go. Let's get a random ass stranger up here What happened tonight?
We're gonna meet fun everybody. How about a hand for fun everyone? Oh? Shit look at this.
Oh damn these two Wow missionary position Look at this. It's like Book of Mormon meets fucking Jerry Springer. I like this what a match made in fucking Yeah, she's gonna write on his pigs Right guys are on ride, you know, all right the bike she rides me. It all works out Wow Oh my that must have killed in Corpus Christia on your way here from Miami.
That's great. Where did you two meet out? What fucking convenience store with Apple past cheering at that what app do we meet on? Oh?
Okay, fine. What do you do for work? I'm an environmentalist. I work with removing and preventing litter and marine debris Wow Yes, come on everybody get it over fun.
She's out here pick up your trash. Come on there pick up those $1 bills Come on guys litter some ones. All right, that's enough Benny let's talk in trash So that must be the most boring job ever though by the way following your boyfriend riding a fucking bike Like are you just like do you hate him so much right now? Yeah, what are you?
What are you driving during this? I'm guessing a Kia Sorento. No the opposite We got a lovely 16 foot moving truck donated to us by his friend John Ruff of Ruffin ready moving So I am bouncing along beside him in a giant 16 foot truck Wow that is incredible and it's just you in there Wow You like start the day and then I'll ride for a while and then we'll meet up and refuel and then go to the next button Let me ask you something fun You're an environmentalist how do you feel about Greta Thumbert because she is like nine years old and she's doing more for the environment than everybody So like are you sort of like fuck this bitch? It's like it's like how Yodlers felt without Walmart boy made it big.
It's like god damn it. I've been doing this She ever dick age no great is cool. We need everybody So Tony she's driving around in a fucking semi for no reason burning all this extra fuel and the killing the environment So this guy could just ride his bicycle nothing better for the environment than a 16 foot truck from Hey, I mean I buy the car to try to truck to people and gas is like a hundred dollars. It's good.
Oh, maybe a pretty Responses you can I plug the non-prove you already plug fucking everything go plug your ass dude That's a job and oh you son of a bitch try to turn it into yet another gay joke Eric Gilman no plug it go ahead Then Eric rise for hope Instagram Facebook when you get out of here on lock your phones all the money goes directly back to the Non-profit so just appreciate all the support and we're doing this thing here and I want to say a Huge thank you to kill Tony and the whole crew man. Yeah when I was on here last time Oh, she just posted a picture of me doing comedy at the comedy store Which is fucking me to a crowd of nobody right, but I got a paid gig off of that which I donated back to the nonprofit So she'll yeah, really appreciate it. You got a paid comedy gig from that Jesus good thing you gave that money away Yeah, right that's fucking blood money But it came from a picture I posted being on kill Tony like you're comedian I'm like yeah sort of well, I bet they appreciated that 20 bucks. Yeah, absolutely good goes a long way Eric I love it.
You're doing something. I guess it's good for people Eric writes for hope right Yeah, Eric writes for hope and there he goes Eric Gilman everybody we're gonna keep it moving along and I'm a one more time for fun Everyone she didn't have to be here, but she was There you go. There goes Eric Gilman coming in for handshakes everybody here Eric take one of these there he goes Eric Gilman and we use it to patch your tires You guys like the flavor of water you'll love Eric Gilman's comedy Absolutely just as mediocre as it gets huh the opposite whoa This is wild. Oh fuck yeah, this is a really big deal everybody This young man is one of our favorite local comedians.
He's never been on this show before he's completely overqualified for this Let's see how it goes makes a noise for Austin's own Casey rocket everybody Holy shit Down Serious XM real real trap shit Hell yeah goddamn boys turns out at her all works even better when you put in your dick hole his way man The old Pez dispenser trick where my nineties get that I'm sorry to grunge for you my mistake. Oh, yeah So young so grunge so grunge bro. I used to fucking cut myself the kids cuisine commercials. Who's like they boys huh?
Where my fucking nineties get that oh fuck the penguins snowboarding on a big pile of mashed potatoes So young so young slap a diaper on my ass and make a daycare daddy Here's a fun story. You guys are gonna love this my dad actually tried to make me wear diapers So I was 24 years old fucked up artists. I don't have a dad Who was that man the great Casey rocket everybody we've been I've been watching this guy do exactly that for For like a year now. It's all he does is smash I know this is your kill Tony debut, but he is famous among stuss local Austin comedians Absolutely crushing all the time long sets the short sets fucking harmonica out of nowhere everybody This is incredible.
He's completely overqualified for this Casey can literally do anything. He's a monster Casey you're a real human being, huh? Yeah Yeah, the song from drive remember real human being fucking bombing Oh, I wanted to give you something Oh, wow you show it to the crowd well there it is it's a picture of grimace in the White House Wow That is a rare treat this way is this what you masturbate to? It's hand-drawn.
Yeah, I went I went to the school of hard knocks with grimace. It's a funny story No, I just keep that on me at all times Just in case you never know when shit's gonna hit the fan You might need a picture of grimace in the White House to get you out of a tough bind When you're back against the wall And the bullets start flying you never know when a sneaky little picture baby little grimace get you out on done with that boys, okay Take it a little do you never know I did it again. I did it again. Oh rocket.
It's like a sniples in the room Some things never change. I don't know man. You said you were like Casey. You're a real person.
I was like, I don't know man I'm just here to flick nips and give that pictures of grimbie, baby Then it's off to the old methadone clinic This is all he does all the time You can literally do it for like hours continuously Yeah, we're all riff energy. It's all riffs all the time. That's absolutely right and you've gotten good at writing this wave It's actually your whole thing and it's incredible and it smashes all the time in front of all different audiences shapes and sizes all the time 100% of the time. Thank you so much It turns out projecting into the microphone while being constantly entertaining while mixing in well written material works in the start form for those of you That signed up for the bucket tonight that got up earlier.
This is how you do it. Shokes. Thanks. Thank you guys There was one guy earlier.
I don't know if you saw him Casey, but he came up here and he's like well You might be wondering why I go with the name Garner well actually Was your first set like this or did you have like a normal process like the beginning of it? I sung I sung chandelier by see you for like four minutes at a talent show and with no music and And there was like 150 people was at a talent show at Georgia Southern University and yep Don't know what that was. Yep, you know the old Georgia Southern saying And I was running around singing chandelier by see a nobody laughed at all zero people and zero people laughed and zero people cheered And there was one girl and she went what is he doing? And I think about that before I get on stage every time Incredible I love that and how long have you been doing stand-up full-time?
I've been doing stand-up for seven years seven years where all of it here in Austin I've been here since July. I started in Atlanta and I lived in Boise, Idaho for three years. Oh, okay Boyce is a great city. I've been a boy.
See I've had fun and Boise. Yeah. Yeah. Y'all did your show there my friend Nick Daniels was on it four years ago Yeah, remember absolutely.
Yeah, I was the one time that I was in Boise Yeah, liquid laughs is that huh? Yeah. Oh man. They used to have me host it liquid and I know you would think that it would go so good and it They banned they banned me from host Wow, yeah, they're like we it was like the woman and one of the person we think are great Everybody else fucking hate it What did I do read my nipples and talk about John Benet Ramsey?
What about that is unappealing right? And that was a few years ago that that happened yeah, that was like three years ago, right? Yeah, and what do you love about Austin? You're here full-time?
What are some of your favorite things to do around town? What is the guy like you that walks sideways with your arms out to your side? It's like what do you do for fun? I?
Don't know man. I listen to a lot of book about my book a lot of the same book It's a biography of Gerald Ford a true American No, man. Yeah, I lived in my car for a long time which tracks and then I had a house I live in a home now. I play basketball with the comics and really you play a basketball.
Yeah, we're gonna go play tomorrow I can't really picture that did someone just like play basketball It's a fucking weirdest echo. Oh, yeah, you play basketball name five basketballs Casey rocket you're absolutely a machine. What are what are you looking forward to like a what what's what are you what made you pick Austin, Texas? Y'all came here and Joe Rogan and I heard all the comedians making a big Exodus down here, so I thought it'd be fun.
We could all start some together. Yeah. Oh wow. Wow.
You got serious for a second there I thought you were gonna talk about fucking Some 41 and rubbing your belly button or something like that, but you gave an actual answer. Yeah, that's normally my closer I sing the inside and the entirety of some 41s sophomore album some 42 Don't hit the dough it Casey what do you think the worst joke you've ever done on stages singing C is more of an experimental I tell you what the best joke he did is. Yeah, when he busts out the harmonica for less than a second Yeah, that is incredible. I didn't even see it.
I heard it. It's true. Yeah, keep it guessing keep momma toes Yeah, you use it more when you have more time or just just uh, you just play the one note Pretends like he's listening hard I had it in my car. I keep it on me man.
I keep the grim stuff on me keep the harmonica on me You never know when you're gonna need to riff man. What else do you have in your pockets? Oh good question What else is in those pockets? Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Oh my god We wouldn't even have found out about this We would not have even found out a picture of grimace and Charlie Sheen just in case you get in real trouble. Oh My goodness down the shirt. It goes somehow. It didn't fall out of the bottom.
Okay, very sly literally a better magician than Michael Lair could ever be absolutely incredible This is unbelievable to you anything else that we should know about in your pockets Casey What other crema smurche you got on you? Yeah, no, yeah, it's funny if you wouldn't have brought that up I would have just kept in my pocket and then got my car into oh man. I almost forgot to show the picture of Grimace and Charlie Sheen fucking loser You deserve to live in your car you big nipple freak How big are these nipples? Can we see the nipples?
There's no chance we could be that lucky, right? Oh My goodness, oh, they're so big you can pull them I think I got scared You like check to see if you still had them oh these old things You want to see my nipples in these old rat you keep those in your pockets, too Casey It's a joke. I need to show us the smallest one now now Casey's been a staple of the secret show that I do every Thursday for a while But Casey I've been putting together a twirl right now. I would love for you to come on the road with me.
Oh Wow, oh my goodness It's a tour it's a tour of Italy at the Olive Garden It's Secret Show Thursday. Awesome. I'll be there. Yeah, thank you so much.
Thank you guys indeed cool Casey rocket. Yeah, truly believe that you are without a doubt not only one of the future stars of comedy But I think you're one of the present stars of comedy I absolutely love it when true murders sign up for this show and bless us with a real performance and show everybody how it Should be done in their own special way. That's the real you and you do it your way and it's fucking amazing Come on guys make some noise for Casey rocket everybody Casey Take one of those that's a real fucking leather joke book This is a real badass here folks. You're gonna be seeing him for the rest of your life God help us win TV executives are allowed to give straight white males something again That boy's gonna be everywhere When young white guys are allowed to make it again.
I swear to God. He's gonna be one of the biggest stars If this was the 80s alright, what do you guys think one more time? We've gone too long Is that really how long we've been going? Alright, we can't go to the bucket anymore to close the show There's only one way to do it ladies and gentlemen.
There is a regular that is the longest-standing regular in the history of the show He went from He went from all the way started in Los Angeles with us moved out here immediately has been opening for me and Joe Rogan and everybody on the road He's an absolute beast mix the noise for the big red machine. William Montgomery God, how am I supposed to follow Casey? I'm actually headed back to LA in three weeks. I'm gonna be hosting the roast of Will Smith I asked him if there are any topics that were off limits and surprisingly he said no I Want my tombstone to say RIP rest in privilege You know for someone to have so much privilege.
I sure have trouble smelling it. Does it have a D? Does it have a G? You'll act like you're all cool with trans people so one of them wins the Kentucky Derby They're winning everything these days.
That's why now it's funny in case over a new study suggests 63% of people on their deathbed hearing music And 100% of those cases it's a fixed win Okay, that's up. All right Another a fixed win joke and then sneaking those in for a month now. I've been trying to do you still hate him? I mean I still don't know what they are Apex 20 is just a wonderful recording artist.
Okay. Yeah, it's not a fucking joke. I don't know who just fucking yelled. Yeah It's not a fucking joke Hi, William.
How are you? How are you? It is true. It seems like following Casey rocket is your kryptonite right now I've never seen you so tightened up and nervous like this.
I am pretty tightened up. I'm pretty nervous I was smoking weed in the fucking thing back there But yeah doing good Would you like to introduce Casey as your new replacement as the new regular? Yeah, I'm thinking I will good we've been like working on the paperwork for the fuck up red band. We're joking around Just bring Casey in like Aunt Vivian.
Yeah, we get anyone notices that it's not William. Just start calling him William It was a fucking joke red band. I get it. You're yelling at me.
You do this every week. We get this shut the fuck up. All right So William, we haven't seen you in two weeks So exactly what did you do since the last time I've seen you? It's been a while.
I've been going to the mall I've been doing the stairs of the mall I'm going up like a hundred flights every other day. I just keep going up and down the stairs at the Barton Creek Mall That's there's only two stories to the Barton Creek Mall and there's the stairs that you've been taking our escalators They might be I'm walking up them very quickly. Yeah, it's really easy. Yeah, just a hundred fucking flights.